It feels impossible

[somedude81]

Something just shook me awake very early this morning.

 

Yesterday, I had a nice exchange with one of the newer girls at work. We did a little flirting and innuendo happened it's way in there. Now she's on my radar of girls I can be into.

 

Briefly becoming partially awake after a non-related dream, she popped into my head. I was wondering when she worked next and when I can talk to her again, then I had the thought of asking her out then right away there was the automatic thought that she'd just reject me and that completely woke me up, forcing me out of bed long before I normally do.

 

I'm 99.9% sure that she'd turn me down for whatever reason, it doesn't matter what. And I strongly got the feeling that I shouldn't bother anymore with her, to not think about her at all and move on to the next girl I happen to meet, who will also have a 99.9% chance of rejecting me, same with the next one and so on.

 

How am I supposed to feel that I actually have a chance in this game?

 

I'm so tired of the meet new girl, interact, think about her, get rejected routine. But I really don't see anything changing. I almost feel that I'd be better off just not caring about women at all; if only I could convince myself not to.

 

Next time I see her, ugh, I can't even finish that thought. This whole situation with women is hopeless.

[Els]

So... you decided that it was hopeless before you even tried.

 

Putting the cart ahead of the horse much?

[firehawk_1]

cant blame him. past experiences of how women may have treated him.

[Philosoraptor]

Lack of confidence is a killer when dating. If you're not confident in who you are then you will show nothing to anyone to convince them that you are a catch.

 

You'd be best off not worrying about finding a relationship right now and just worry about building yourself and your confidence.

[january2011]

Each opportunity you take up will bring you one step closer to your goals. Don't give up yet!

[Kamille]

So you meet a new girl, have a nice exchange, she becomes a "possibility" and you start thinking "this is hopeless".

 

SD, is this thought pattern similar to reactions you've had in the past? If so, how regular is it and how long have you had this pattern? Have you ever had another reaction?

 

I'm curious to hear the answer to these questions because the thought pattern might explain why you so easily end up in the friendzone (your words, not mine).

 

For now, I will simply offer that you're getting way ahead of yourself. I worry that this will impede you from simply continuing to chat light-heartedly with this girl.

[zengirl]

What's so terrifying about "no"?

 

I think that's what you need to work through if you ever get to yes. In my personal and professional life, I've heard no FAR more time than I've heard "Yes." People who can hear, "No," and keep going (not necessarily towards that same goal, of course - respect people's boundaries - but in general) are going to find success eventually. That's almost always true. Every one I know or can think of who's ever had great or minor success had some degree of perseverance. Taking rejection with grace is one of life's great lessons -- the metaphysical side of me thinks that those who have EXTREME fears of rejection (like you, and -- once upon a time, me, by the way) are working out something that they were sent into this life to work out. Even if that's not the case, a world of real, tangible, useful good comes from getting over a fear of rejection and really putting yourself out there, time and time again. Granted, change up your efforts -- don't be Charlie Brown with a football, but his only mistake is continually trusting Lucy, not wanting to kick a football -- and apply them differently or to different people and learn from your failures and rejections. There is a lot to learn there.

 

But you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. So, even 0.01% (not saying your % predictions are right, but even if they are) is better than that, and the "No" really doesn't cost you anything except what you DECIDE it costs you.

[udolipixie]

You many feel that you actually have a chance if you play the game rather than take yourself out of the game.

 

As well as see yourself as a guy that is attractive and has attractive qualities to the women you want. If you can't see yourself as that guy then perhaps it's best suited to work on the qualities you think are attractive to the gals you want.

 

You could convince yourself not to care about women at all int eh romantic/sexual sense by killing your libido with herbs or prescription medicine and investing your emotions elsewhere.

[wwwjd]

I've found that taking the time to get to know someone first is a great way to guarrentee a "Yes" on the ask out. If you meet them, do chit chat, and go for broke, she doesn't have enough real time to be interested or know if you have anything in common over any other guy that finds her attractive and asks her out.

 

Take your time and get to know someone a little first before jumping on the "let's DATE where I am expressing my intention to be with you romantically and sexually" bandwagon. Unless you are like 70, then just go for it.

[verhrzn]

If it's hopeless, then you don't lose anything by trying, right? Cause you were gonna get rejected anyway, so you might as well try and get it over with.

[ThaWholigan]

Ahh you see you've fallen into what I like to call the flowery trap. Where you think about you two possibly going out together to the extremely minor detail, how everything is perfect and it all goes great........then you think of the million different ways that she is going to reject you with inevitability and get all upset about it.

 

This is a tough one, and although there are a number of ways to break it, they all seem so hopeless (or at least they will to you at this moment).

 

My advice is to not do this. Don't think so much about what is going to happen, you become dependent on the outcome as you have already emotionally invested in it. Try to control your thoughts where possible, even channel them into something else, somewhere else. When you see this girl again, continue to flirt, keep it light, and where the opportunity presents itself, ask her to coffee or whatever you wish, just make sure you make small steps to escalate. I have nothing else past that, but that should be enough

[Philosoraptor]

If it's hopeless, then you don't lose anything by trying, right? Cause you were gonna get rejected anyway, so you might as well try and get it over with.

I love it. You've already lost in your head so even that .1% chance that you give it is more than if you do nothing.

[xxoo]

It is very possible for a woman to like you, and be attracted to you. It is!

 

One idea---Keep flirting with her for the moment. Keep that relationship playful and suggestive, getting to know her better. Develop some more playful, suggestive banter with other women. Then, when that step gets a little easier, move on to the next step of asking girls out. The flirting will build your confidence and chances for success, and having a few "options" will help you be less invested in any one "yes" or "no".

[Imajerk17]

I'm all for going for it. You do need to be careful here though, as she is a coworker. If this were a cold approach, you can express your romantic interest directly, but as this is a coworker whom you will be seeing around, you have to be careful. She might "not date coworkers".

 

Ask her to "hang out" away from work by seeing if you both like doing something similar, and then selling the activity. Maybe you both were looking forward to seeing the same movie or you both like hiking.

 

Flirt with her on the date!

[carhill]

This whole situation with women is hopeless.

 

OK, own that.

 

IMO, get out of SoCal. It's a meat grinder for a guy with your natural emotional style.

 

As others have suggested, focus on other parts of life.

 

Yes, it does feel impossible. That's valid. It will be valid until the possible rules. Maybe that will occur. Maybe not. It's unknown. The next second of life is unknown. Focus on the now.

[truth_seeker]

I can understand SD's fears. If she rejects him and he has to see the woman everyday at work, it's a constant reminder and will make the work environment uncomfortable and awkward.

[ThaWholigan]

I can understand SD's fears. If she rejects him and he has to see the woman everyday at work, it's a constant reminder and will make the work environment uncomfortable and awkward.

All depends on how he approached the scenario. It's possible for it to not end up being awkward.

[zengirl]

I can understand SD's fears. If she rejects him and he has to see the woman everyday at work, it's a constant reminder and will make the work environment uncomfortable and awkward.

 

Depends, really. Depends on how he approaches her and what makes him uncomfortable. It is certainly possible to approach in a respectful way, accept rejection (if it comes) in a graceful way, and not be awkward or embarrassed. Truly, such a thing has happened.

[Els]

I can understand SD's fears. If she rejects him and he has to see the woman everyday at work, it's a constant reminder and will make the work environment uncomfortable and awkward.

 

Fair point. But then it is more of a 'I chose not to', not a 'it's impossible because I'm short/shy/etc'. Huge difference between the two.

[somedude81]

So... you decided that it was hopeless before you even tried.

 

Putting the cart ahead of the horse much?

cant blame him. past experiences of how women may have treated him.

That's basically it. No reason to think otherwise.

 

It almost seems stupid to think I have a chance.

Lack of confidence is a killer when dating. If you're not confident in who you are then you will show nothing to anyone to convince them that you are a catch.

 

You'd be best off not worrying about finding a relationship right now and just worry about building yourself and your confidence.

And that will not happen for as long as I'm single.

 

Getting confidence seems harder than getting a GF.

I've found that taking the time to get to know someone first is a great way to guarrentee a "Yes" on the ask out. If you meet them, do chit chat, and go for broke, she doesn't have enough real time to be interested or know if you have anything in common over any other guy that finds her attractive and asks her out.

 

Take your time and get to know someone a little first before jumping on the "let's DATE where I am expressing my intention to be with you romantically and sexually" bandwagon. Unless you are like 70, then just go for it.

That is how I've always done it. And things have never ever worked for me.

[FitChick]

You have nothing to fear but fear itself, to paraphrase FDR.

[AD1980]

I hear you sd im right where you are its tough you feel like just giving up because youre tired of the hurt and rejection..The possiblity of a women saying yes seems like an impossiblity..

 

I know people are trying to help but most trying to help have had some sucess with attracting the opposite sex so they cant feel where people like you are coming from..

 

To tell someone in their 30's whos never had sucess to magically be confident is not easy or always realistic..

 

They really have no idea whats its like and how lonely unwanted and unattratcive you feel..

[verhrzn]

That's basically it. No reason to think otherwise.

 

It almost seems stupid to think I have a chance.

 

And that will not happen for as long as I'm single.

 

Getting confidence seems harder than getting a GF.

 

That is how I've always done it. And things have never ever worked for me.

 

Then you have the option to give up. Just stop doing anything. Stop trying, stop wanting a relationship. If you can't force yourself to even try, to have SOME confidence in the fact that she is already flirting with you, then abandoning all hope for a romantic relationship is your best bet.

 

(This is not meant in a mean way, I am undergoing the "give up" process myself.)

 

But really, if you won't give up and you won't try, what are you expecting??

[sid3]

 

I know people are trying to help but most trying to help have had some sucess with attracting the opposite sex so they cant feel where people like you are coming from..

 

They really have no idea whats its like and how lonely unwanted and unattratcive you feel..

 

What's one thing you've done recently to make yourself appear and feel more attractive to women?

[AD1980]

What's one thing you've done recently to make yourself appear and feel more attractive to women?

 

I dont know i try to dress nice nothing has really worked so far..