Fiancé owes me money, need some perspective

[Els]

So she's paying rent and bills on the place you share together.

 

Not defending the OP's attitude, but I think he meant that she pays her share of rent, not all of it. I hope.

[ariadne999]

I already don't feel like I can trust her word or trust her with money, and it breaks my heart to admit these things. I

 

 

 

Any advice? Thank you!

 

 

 

why did you ask her to marry you if you don't trust her?

 

 

 

That was a good move

[carhill]

So she's paying rent and bills on the place you share together.

 

And you're going to have joint accounts for the things you share (like groceries, TV, new bed/furniture).

 

And you owe her money too.

 

Hmm.

The OP wrote:

 

And while it is true that I owed her $300 back a few months, I have very recently paid her back and checked in with her regularly on the debt (even though her debt to me was larger)

OP, do you have any outstanding debts with her? I wanted to clarify that since another poster brought it up. An outstanding debt is where you asked for money for a specific purpose, identified that purpose, and promised to pay it back within a certain timeline. An example would be asking for a couple hundred bucks to make a critical repair to your car for transportation.

[Star Gazer]

An outstanding debt is where you asked for money for a specific purpose, identified that purpose, and promised to pay it back within a certain timeline. An example would be asking for a couple hundred bucks to make a critical repair to your car for transportation.

 

To that end, did the fiancée specifically agree to pay X amount by Y date?

 

And who suggested the purchase of the bed and TV?

[Star Gazer]

Well, then she tried to pay $300 towards her debt and you refused it. Odd.

 

This confuses me.

 

OP: Can you clarify? It sounds like either you still owe her, or she DID try to pay towards her debt but you refused (because you didn't want it in a particular form? I agree, that's odd), or something else.

[carhill]

Using the bed and TV as a sample, OP could you clarify how that went?

 

I'm asking for clarification because of this:

 

Whenever I raise these issues with her, she gets a sad look on her face, apologizes and says something like "oh yeah".

 

This sounds somewhat passive. In the beginning, when purchases are being discussed, along with 'borrowing', how does it go?

[FitChick]

Aren't there software programs where you can plug in what you spend and what your monthly budget is? If you don't know where the money is going, how can you budget properly?

 

It's like someone who wants to lose weight swearing he has no idea why he is fat because he doesn't eat that much. He needs to weigh, measure and log his food for at least two weeks to see if there is a pattern and what can be improved/eliminated/substituted before creating a workable diet plan.

[PinkFreud]

Hi all,

 

Sounds like I need to clarify a few things.

 

We split rent 50/50. I pay for electric, she pays for cable. We (usually) split our mutual grocery bill 50/50 as well (though from my previous posts that doesn't always happen). Those are all of the monthly bills we usually split.

 

The reason I was upset with regards to the TV and bed is that, before we had purchased either of these things, we had both agreed to split them 50/50. It wasn't me coercing her into going in on these things together, it also wasn't me agreeing to pay for all of them myself (with my income, I just couldn't afford to).

 

The bed was $800. We ordered it online (which I actually highly recommend) and I paid for it outright, with a promise from my fiance that she would reimburse me for half ($400) in a few weeks. It has now been a year.

 

The TV was $1400. We agreed to go in on it together where we would each put $50 a month towards the TV. She paid for her portion for the first two months ($100) and that's it. Like I said in a previous post, I've put about $450 towards the TV at this point.

 

Regarding the recent grocery trip, we (again) agreed to split the groceries.

 

The main issue here isn't really the money, it's that she's gone back on her word regarding payments she would make for the TV and bed (and groceries, etc.). It would be an entirely different story if I offered to buy the bed for us, or if I got a TV for us. However, it is entirely different paying for these things on a humble grad student income (more like $22k or $25k, not $30k) and expecting a partner to fulfill her end of the paying arrangement.

[PinkFreud]

Aren't there software programs where you can plug in what you spend and what your monthly budget is? If you don't know where the money is going, how can you budget properly?

 

It's like someone who wants to lose weight swearing he has no idea why he is fat because he doesn't eat that much. He needs to weigh, measure and log his food for at least two weeks to see if there is a pattern and what can be improved/eliminated/substituted before creating a workable diet plan.

 

Good analogy. I think having a joint account or using something like Mint would be a great idea.

[PinkFreud]

Regarding the recent grocery trip, we (again) agreed to split the groceries.

 

Edit: To clarify, the total amount for groceries for this most recent trip was $180. We had previously agreed to split the groceries 50/50 (again, this was a mutual agreement, no coercing on my end or anything). I put all $180 on my debit card in the checkout lane b/c it was easier (long line, angry cashier, etc.). She said she would reimburse me for half ($90) in cash that she had on her. I reminded her about it a few days later, she just did the "oh yeah" thing and that's it. Again, this is pretty typical.

[xxoo]

Edit: To clarify, the total amount for groceries for this most recent trip was $180. We had previously agreed to split the groceries 50/50 (again, this was a mutual agreement, no coercing on my end or anything). I put all $180 on my debit card in the checkout lane b/c it was easier (long line, angry cashier, etc.). She said she would reimburse me for half ($90) in cash that she had on her. I reminded her about it a few days later, she just did the "oh yeah" thing and that's it. Again, this is pretty typical.

 

Next big supermarket trip, have her put the purchase on her card.

[LittleTiger]

This seems like a very odd situation to me - at least for a couple who live together, are engaged to be married and presumably in love!

 

My fiance and I live 12,000 miles apart and our finances are already entangled. When he is in the UK with me 'we' spend what we need together, whether that's groceries, new items for the house/garden, or entertainment etc - the same happens when I am in NZ with him.

 

We are both earning, although he earns a lot more than I do (which is how he likes it) and neither of us thinks in terms of his money and my money - it's all 'our' money and it can flow in either direction as the need arises.

 

When I sell my properties and emigrate I expect I will pay for the house we live in because that's what makes sense in our situation, but I certainly won't be charging him rent!

 

OP, agreement on finances is absolutely essential for any couple. Everybody seems to do things differently these days, even married couples splitting things 50/50 (which we both consider bizarre but each to their own). You need to sit down and talk to your finance asap and come to some agreement - if you can't then your relationship is likely to get very rocky at some point down the line.

[zengirl]

The main issue here isn't really the money, it's that she's gone back on her word regarding payments she would make for the TV and bed (and groceries, etc.). It would be an entirely different story if I offered to buy the bed for us, or if I got a TV for us. However, it is entirely different paying for these things on a humble grad student income (more like $22k or $25k, not $30k) and expecting a partner to fulfill her end of the paying arrangement.

 

OK, that would bother me too. It bothers me when hubby says he'll do something and he doesn't (it's rare, but it almost always leads to annoyance, and I'm sure he gets annoyed when I drop the ball too). But it seems like you still have the issues all raveled up: I think when you discuss it --- and you NEED to discuss it --- it's important to separate the issue of her not doing what was promised from the issue of the money itself. Both are issues worth talking about, but they are not inherently the SAME issue, IMO.

[musemaj11]

If you are only making $30k/year, you shouldnt be buying a $1400 TV and a $800 bed.

 

There are much cheaper options out there.

 

In my opinion you guys both arent good with money.

[zengirl]

If you are only making $30k/year, you shouldnt be buying a $1400 TV and a $800 bed.

 

There are much cheaper options out there.

 

In my opinion you guys both arent good with money.

 

This may be the ever time I've ever wholeheartedly agreed with musemaj11. Unless you're living somewhere dirt cheap in general and saving easily, those are some pricey household objects on those salaries. Especially if you routinely have $160 grocery bills. Though it's technically besides the point if the issue is not fulfilling promised sums.

[PinkFreud]

This may be the ever time I've ever wholeheartedly agreed with musemaj11. Unless you're living somewhere dirt cheap in general and saving easily, those are some pricey household objects on those salaries. Especially if you routinely have $160 grocery bills. Though it's technically besides the point if the issue is not fulfilling promised sums.

 

Yes, but, we both earn around that figure and the plan was to split those amounts. $50 a month for 14 months isn't outrageous for 1 person on that salary and I had saved up the $400 I thought I would be spending on a bed. And you're correct, it is beside the point.

[PinkFreud]

OK, that would bother me too. It bothers me when hubby says he'll do something and he doesn't (it's rare, but it almost always leads to annoyance, and I'm sure he gets annoyed when I drop the ball too). But it seems like you still have the issues all raveled up: I think when you discuss it --- and you NEED to discuss it --- it's important to separate the issue of her not doing what was promised from the issue of the money itself. Both are issues worth talking about, but they are not inherently the SAME issue, IMO.

 

You are correct, thanks for the insight.

[LittleTiger]

This may be the ever time I've ever wholeheartedly agreed with musemaj11. Unless you're living somewhere dirt cheap in general and saving easily, those are some pricey household objects on those salaries. Especially if you routinely have $160 grocery bills. Though it's technically besides the point if the issue is not fulfilling promised sums.

 

It is besides the point - but I disagree - it's a matter of priorities. I was on a similar income some years back when I purchased my current bed - which cost considerably more than $800. To me it is the best thing I ever bought and was worth every penny - and I am very good with money! I wouldn't dream of spending $1400 on a TV though!

 

The OP and his fiance have every right to spend their money on whatever they choose - there is only a problem if they disagree on how to split their income and how it should be spent. If he bought a $1400 TV and an $800 bed without getting her agreement first and then asked her to pay half, that is a significant problem. If they agreed to buy the items together and share the cost, and then she didn't pay up, that is also a problem.

 

They just need to talk it out.

[dasein]

Like I said. They behave like room mates. Couples that love each other are not so petty.

 

I disagree with calling a simple 50/50 financial arrangement between BF/GF, and the reasonable expectation the agreement will be adhered to "petty."

 

Being commited to someone does not mean letting them walk all over you where the finances are concerned.

[zengirl]

Yes, but, we both earn around that figure and the plan was to split those amounts. $50 a month for 14 months isn't outrageous for 1 person on that salary and I had saved up the $400 I thought I would be spending on a bed. And you're correct, it is beside the point.

 

Sure, $50 a month isn't an outrageous figure, but the fiscally responsible thing to do would be to save it up first, that way, and then buy the TV. An $800 bed is less ridiculous, but still a bit pricey for people who are struggling with money, as you say you are and as she seems to be. My bed costs less than that, and hubby and I together make several times what y'all are living off of. At any rate, it's not exactly the worst financial management I've ever seen --- probably par for the course for how people spend today --- but I think buying such things on credit seems like poor financial planning, in general.

[zengirl]

It is besides the point - but I disagree - it's a matter of priorities. I was on a similar income some years back when I purchased my current bed - which cost considerably more than $800. To me it is the best thing I ever bought and was worth every penny - and I am very good with money! I wouldn't dream of spending $1400 on a TV though!

 

The OP and his fiance have every right to spend their money on whatever they choose - there is only a problem if they disagree on how to split their income and how it should be spent. If he bought a $1400 TV and an $800 bed without getting her agreement first and then asked her to pay half, that is a significant problem. If they agreed to buy the items together and share the cost, and then she didn't pay up, that is also a problem.

 

They just need to talk it out.

 

Oh, I agree. It's the purchase of it on credit that I find fiscally irresponsible, to be fair. I have plenty of expensive items, but I never feel financially overstrained in buying them and have never bought anything except a car or graduate school on credit (I use CCs of course, but pay them off every month), and those are all paid off now, so perhaps my idea of personal fiscal responsibility is more stringent than others. Everyone is entitled to their luxuries, for sure, but I wonder if they were in total agreement over the items.

 

I disagree with calling a simple 50/50 financial arrangement between BF/GF, and the reasonable expectation the agreement will be adhered to "petty."

 

Being commited to someone does not mean letting them walk all over you where the finances are concerned.

 

They are engaged, not BF/GF for the record. I think that was the greater part of Pierre's point there. Personally, I wouldn't go as far to say petty to split things 50/50 (an odd marriage to my sensibilities to be sure), but I do question the need to pay back the $300 to prove he could and then collect that $300 back, rather than let her take that off her debt. That seems kind of petty to me.

[dasein]

To OP, was the bed just a bed? or we talking mattress, box springs and bed? If the whole deal, you should be paying twice that much, don't feel guilty based on what some post here. The TV though? Maybe a little expensive, probably not based on the amount of use the average TV gets in a lifetime. If you are going to overspend on two things in your house, let it be bed/mattress set and TV. Scrimp on everything else but toilet paper.

Edited April 25, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic debate removed

[reptilelover88]

Your finances, and what you choose to spend your money on, are your own business but it does seem like the OP is more fiscally responsible than his fiancee. I would be very wary of getting a joint account with her at this point. If she never seems to have any money (despite earning more than him), doesn't seem to know where it goes and can't stick to agreed debt repayments, I wouldn't be surprised if she started dipping into that joint account with alarming regularity... You need to get her finances, and your agreement on joint purchases etc., out in the open before you get married or get any joint accounts.

[dasein]

They are engaged, not BF/GF for the record.

 

"For the record," since they are cohabitating, that's the same exact thing, not one iota different other than she may be wearing a ring.

 

but I do question the need to pay back the $300 to prove he could and then collect that $300 back, rather than let her take that off her debt. That seems kind of petty to me.

 

I saw that quirk too. Could it be that there is more to it, and if you sat down with OP he could likely explain it in 30 seconds? but that explanation would take a huge wall o text to type out here? Focusing on that little tangent of minutiae rather than OP's main point and question is just so "Loveshack" isn't it?

[PinkFreud]

To OP, was the bed just a bed? or we talking mattress, box springs and bed? If the whole deal, you should be paying twice that much, don't feel guilty based on what some post here. The TV though? Maybe a little expensive, probably not based on the amount of use the average TV gets in a lifetime. If you are going to overspend on two things in your house, let it be bed/mattress set and TV. Scrimp on everything else but toilet paper.

 

It was $800 for mattress, box spring, frame, 2 sets of sheets, comforter, and pillowtop. King size. I thought it was a good deal. And for the record, I bought this bed outright. We love our movies and TV shows, so we get alot of milage out of the TV. Friends like to play xbox on it too. $1400 got us the TV, HDMI cables, blu ray player, Roku box, speakers, and TV stand. TV is 55".

 

And we do scrimp on everything else ;-)