what does I love you mean?

[standtall]

Aussie mom..artie lang is just trying to provoke you into action..he means no harm. There is a whole chorus of voices here, and you're going to get the bad cop treatment by some.

 

I am going to echo some of the other posters here...stop being a doormat. If you allow this behavior to continue..particularly by keeping your friendship with this women, you are giving them implicit permission to carry on. That is what the doormat behavior is all about..no consequence=continue the behavior. You have to change the way you're reacting to it. What path that is...some other posters are better suited to guide you, but I can tell you by just acting hurt or shaming them, their behavior will get worse. He has to realize that he is/has risked the loss of you and his family life over this.

[Spark1111]

Is there anyplace you and your children can go for awhile? Is there anyplace he could go for awhile?

 

I think your initial blink is dead on rational. YOU are going to make it.

 

But I worry about when the emotions kick in, and they will, trust me, and you will be dealing with a whole slew of rollercoasting nonsense. With five kids, it will not be easy.

 

My initial blink was also that his affair had nothing to do with me, us; that I wanted my H in my children's lives because he was a good father; that I would survive; that I wanted our old, happy, pillars of the community life back.

 

It took 4 years for my emotions to catch up with my initial "blink." I almost lost my mind when the betrayal sunk in.

 

Bottom line: There can be NO CONTACT with each other outside of your purview. NONE --and that is only if you value the friendship more than your marriage.

 

You are playing with fire here woman.

 

Intense attraction and affairs produce chemicals similiar to those induced by cocaine. It IS an addiction that requires complete and total withdrawal, hence No Contact. Good people can and do lose their minds, their spouses, the families, their marriages, and their reputations for lust this strong.

 

I think, know I know, your H will tell you ANYTHING you want or need to hear to preserve the marriage and the affair.

 

Ditch the friendship, IF you want to save your marriage. The kids can still play together, with you or her H picking up or dropping off only.

 

You need to choose and the choice is obvious to me. You can always make new adult friends, but only have one shot to save your marriage.

 

You are so rational and calm, you are only in the first stage: Shock and denial. You too want it all to go back the way it was.

 

Not happening. You need to choose quickly here and put some boundaries into place immediately, or you WILL lose it all: both the friendship and the marriage as these two wind up running away together for "Looourve."

[aussie mum]

So, I gave my H a set of conditions and explained to him that if it weren't for our children I would have him leave our home while he sorted himself out. This was (& still is very hard for him to hear). I don't want to unsettle my children until I am certain that we are not going to make it. My conditions are that he needs to find someone else, other than her to talk to. Seeing that he would never admit what he has done to any of his friends then I suggesed counselling.

I need him to sort his stuff out. I need him to understand what exactly happened, why it happened and what it means to him. I also need him to own his feelings for her and understand that by just doing what makes me happy isn't the answer. This creates it own set of issues - that can ultimately lead to resentment etc and a feeling of never quite being good enough. As mentioned I would rather he do this self exploration out of our house, and he knows this. Again this is tough for him to carry as I have always maintained that I want him here and that he wasn't going to lose me. He is scared now. I want to fix that but know I cannot.

what am I hoping counselling will achieve? Clarity for him, lead where it may. I know that I cannot continue our marriage with the expectation that he may call me her name. For those questioning, no I am not ok with them maintaining a sexual relationship, and if I was able to believe it was strictly friendship I would be ok. Clearly that changed for me when they crossed the line.

She really was a good friend to him. She could boost him with the same words I use but he could hear it from her. She never judged him (he feels quite judged by my other friends because of his long working hours. He had never felt accepted for who he is by anyone else (other than me). He is a good man with a good heart. Its not as cut and dry and prior to this happening I had told him numerous times, that it would be much easier for me if he was an arse. We have had our issues, like all married couples, but at the crux of our relationship was us and the love for one another and our family. I am not trying to defend him, just to give. You an understanding of him, and their unconventional relationship. I am becoming to understand that we will be stuck here while she is still in our lives.

 

Thanks for your post spark111, your words made me think. How are things for you now?

 

Standtall, thankyou, sometimes I need a gentle reminder! And he now has an understanding of what he is gambling with. If he is not prepared to undergo counselling we are done.

 

Stillafool, you are dead right and my happiness IS more important. I guess I try to find a balance. Public perception plays a role. Consequences include not having me in the same capacity (he claims he wants the 'old' me back - she is long gone) but I mean, more specifically he won't have me physically (sex has always played an big role in our lives, as in most days) nor will he have me emotionally. He needs to earn the privilege of me back.He clearly is not doing this well ATM.

 

Maybealone, your frankness is appreciated and I understand the line of questioning. Yes, I have lines in the sand. We deal with them when they are crossed. I am an easy going sort of person, and lots of our lines have grown together, as we did many of the were unspoken, although cheating was definately something we had discussed I was VERYforthright in my stance, yet not so much now. Reality is somewhat different. And I wouldn't respect him, I found it confronting that he is prepared for me to experiement with my BFH if thats what I want. Nope, I wanted him to fight for me. I guess he doeshave a have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too luxury.

 

Finding Nemo, thanks for your words, I feel like you understand me. They were in my bed, thinking (or rather not thinking at all) I was asleep. Ugh, thinking about it makes my chest hurt. one of the Worst momentsof my life. How could my H have so little respect for me? he was the one person that I trusted competely. . . it really sucks.

[seren]

Well done Aussie Mum, you are taking control over the situation, re marking those dammed lines in the sand and not on wait and see mode. Are you now going to talk with your male friend as I imagine any NC with the female is going to impact upon the relationship with them both. If it were me, I would have us all sit down together and for your H to lay it out to them both, to the male friend an apology and for them both a clear message that you both are working on your marriage and that NC is what you both want and need and expect them to honour that.

 

I hope he takes his head from up his a*** and realises just what he has to lose if he continues. Good people do have affairs, no affairs are good and good people take steps to look at why and what needs to be done to make sure they develop better methods for coping and communicating.

I hope he does the right thing and that it now begins to mend, it takes a lot of time. I suspect now you have taken the bull by the horns that it will get rockier, acknowledging that there needs to be a change can stir the waters, but, unless uyou do, they will just get worse.

[despicableME]

You can't work on your marriage as long as they keep in contact... simple as that.

 

You are giving any excuse to not deal with the situation straight on.

 

You are putting everything else before your marriage- self-image, community standing, and "toxic" friendships before your marriage. It seems to me, you want all this to work itself out... NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

[jnj express]

You keep throwing out excuse after excuse---about everything under the sun---and ignoring the one thing that ends all this mess

 

Your family MUST go NC, with the other family----end of discussion.

 

You can put your H., out, you can make demands, you can do whatever----BUT---until she is totally out of his LIFE---than his A., is still on-going

 

Stop with your crap about how you don't control his life----YOU TOOK VOWS----do you have any CLUE---what that means---it means you do cater to/help each other/ look after each other FOR BETTER OR WORSE---and if you have needs/demands/requirements, that are not out of line---he HONORS them.

 

You are at a situation where it is mge., vs---friendship with a family, where 2 of the parents have already had sex---she is constantly in his thoughts, and you do basically NOTHING about it.

 

You admit to a fondness for the other H.-----what is the matter with you---stop making excuses and do what must be done----TOTAL NC for the families----children don't like it---too bad---they are not putting bread on your table these days---you and your H, are the parents---YOU MAKE THE DECISIONS----in this case, you make the decisions

 

Also you should tell the other H., the real/full/total truth so he can make an informed decision about the rest of his life.

[stillafool]

Aussiemom why do you need to remain friends with this couple?

[eternalove15]

I just feel sorry for u. U r bieng way too good with those 2 betrayers. They really dont need that good treatment. Just because he is your husband , it doesnt means that you will support him in everything. You need to clarify boundaries to him. He should know and undestand how you feel. Cheating , in any case, cannot be accepted. not if it has happened more than once. but it had happned more than 5 times with u. Either u explain it to ur husband n warn him to behave or ask him for divorce so that he can enjoy all his illegitimate sexual favours recieved by that slutty friend of yours. Sorry for my rude and abusive language. but my dear friend , they both deserve it. Karma would indeed come back to haunt them if they both dont mend their 'SEXUAL' ways!!

[Spark1111]

Aussie mom: it took me four years to wake up finally at peace with a better man and a bettr marriage.

 

My H had a 1.5 year affair with a divorced co-worker.

 

My rules to reconcile:

 

Total NC and changing offices. If there was accidental or intentional contact and I was not informed immediately with full disclosure, I would walk. When there was contact, I knew it immediately. His entire demeanor changed towards me. He became somewhat cold and distant. She was fighting hard to "win him" for her and her child.

 

IC and MC for both of us. IC was good to vent my emotions and pain, and he learned why he crossed that boundary for so, so long.

 

MC, we learned how to make the marriage stronger.

 

Total transparency at all times; access to his email and cell phone. He had to assure me that it was over and done for good. With that proving true, she still tried to contact him and re-initiate with him 2.5 years later.

 

I had to call her and threaten nonsense to keep her away for good.

 

You both decided to have five children, I assume?

 

What does he do to shore you up, make you feel better, inspire you?

[trishd]

Aussie Mom, sounds to me that you are on the right track after reading your entire thread. It takes a lot of inner strength to stand up against betrayal of this nature. I hope you find that strength and continue on the path to healing for yourself. It's true sometimes you have to get past the pain to feel the anger inorder to react in a positive way for your own betterment.

I am a teacher too. I understand the caring what others think and wanting to avoid the gossip and stories, but at some point, that can't determine your decisions. You have to stand up for you. Your husband and best friend haven't.

[aussie mum]

Thanks all for your honest and open replies.

 

Trishd: thanks for your support. It is definately not easy and I hear it oh so loudly that my BF and H are not standing up for me, but I DO stand up for myself. I am afflicted with some personality traits that can be wonderful but can also be to my own detriment. I am loyal and although it may not be particularly evident through my posting I have an understanding of human behaviour and I care enough about the reasons. I cannot tell the people involved the reasons, they need to figure that one out for themselves otherwise the information is useless - if that makes any sense. My H has agreeded to undergo some personal counselling - which I believe will be of huge benefit to him. He never has been good at taking ownership and control of situations - and then wonders how things ended up like this.

 

Spark1111 - you speak wise words and yes we both decided to have 5 children (#5 was a complete surprise packet but yes, that was our choice). Full transparency and dislosure is something we are working on. He doesn't always like to tell me that he has seen her as he wants to avoid my reaction. (My response to this is, then don't do it . . . kind of simple really. BUT, it needs to be his decision.) He will, I believe get to that point with counselling when he realises the depth of his feelings for her.

 

For all the denial that it sounds like out there, I don't believe they are behaving sexually inappropriately anymore. Yes, I believe they are having an emotional affair. Yes, left unchecked it could very well develop into something much more. Maybe through counselling he will discover that he can't live without her and that all he thought his married life is/was is a fantasy and it doesn't actually make him happy at all. This is all out of my control. Chips fall where they may, I can deal with the fall out. But again, this all needs to come from him.

 

Thanks eternallove, I appreciate your support and no need to apologise, your opinion matters!

 

My need/want to remain friends I guess centres around my children, our lifestyle and the fact hat I get (or used to get) a lot out of the relationships. Again, please understand I have not just carried on like this has never happened. On some level it is a bit of 'keep your friends close but your enemies closer'. It has been a really challenging path - and would be easier if I had full NC. Difficult as I coach (and teach) their children, and we live in the same town, running the same circles.

 

jnj express - you make lots of valid points and propbably the one I like the most is that I/we can make other adult friends. You are right. I actually have lots of otehr adult friends that have have been AMAZING to me this year. It has been quite humbling actually.

 

I stand resolute with my H. He knows what is on the line. He knows that until he sorts his sh#t out there is no 'us'. I am conflicted as to whether or not it is best that he is here or not. Time will tell that. He knows it is a very real possibilty that I may ask him to leave, particularly if I feel he is not addressing anything. In terms of contact with BF he is starting to realise what affect his choices are having - on me, on our family and our marriage. You need to remember that he BELIEVED that they were only friends and that was it - denial much? I think he is only just realising the full implications of his actions too. Its huge. Its confronting. I have done angry, believe you me, he has seen anger in me that has NEVER reared before. He has seen sadness, hurt, bewilderment, bereavement, but not acceptance, not denial, not indifference.

 

Seren, thanks for posting throughout. Your words also make sense. x

[jnj express]

I don't know if you really wanna spend the time on your H----he is a loser, I hope you understand that----

 

He will just do this to you again---cuz there is nothing short of D., that will make an impression on him, and make him change his ways----

 

Your main concern is to bring your child up in a proper environment----and with your H., around you will never have that environment

 

He knew she was right in the next room----and he didn't even give a sh*t

 

If you do stay, and i really don't know why you would---you must go complete NC with that family----and even that may not solve this problem!!!

[aussie mum]

Thanks jnjexpress, but I really do not believe he is a loser. I believe he is a little lost. IC will help him a lot, and I stay because I took a vow, for better or for worse. I never realised just how seriously I took that vow. I want my marriage to work.

 

My D day has opened the channels of communication between the two of us. It bought some long standing issues to the forefront and I believe, (hope, whatever) that it is an opportunity to take our marriage by the horns and shape it into something that works for both of us. (I would rather not have had this happen, just incase that is a thought!) We are still learning, after 12 years of marriage.

 

I do know however, that I cannot live in a marriage where my H can say 'I love you Sarah' to me. Only he can control this - and at the expense of repeating myself he needs to understand why it happened in order for him to take control.

 

I am not 'waiting' on him. I am a strong, independant, professional person who strives to provide a stable and caring home for our children, who has a supportive network of friends (although most don't actually know what is going on in my marriage entirely. Most are aware that we are having some issues. I do love this man, and I sincerely believe that he doesn't intend to hurt me. Hence why he needs to sort out his sh#t and that involves a lot (realising feelings etc, making choices, letting go of fear, guilt etc)

 

I do feel a littel misunderstood . . . . mainly because I really didn't think I was doormat material. I know what I deserve, and while it is better than I am recieving at the moment, if he is working on himself, is it not ok to ride it out? It is a process and we are 4 months into it. Deal breakers for me - non disclosure of ANY contact, or if he was to call me her name again.

 

Anyhoo, my question last night to myself was I am honestly able to live with a man who is 'in love' with two women?

[Artie Lang]

if he was to call me her name again.

 

Anyhoo, my question last night to myself was I am honestly able to live with a man who is 'in love' with two women?

ugh!

 

 

I take you still haven't told the other BS about his wife's philandering, for the sake of protecting your livelihood, right?

 

You're enabling her wayward ways, while he's(OBS) totally oblivious to the fact she's in love with your husband-- his friend.

 

How can you even look him in the face, knowing what you know?!

 

 

This is simply the most unjust thing i've ever come across.

Edited April 30, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[aussie mum]

Sorry - I still don't know how to cut & quote back . . . so

 

 

this is simply the most unjust thing i've ever come across

 

Wow really? The MOST unjust thing you have ever come across. I find that thought incredulous. We are on an infidelity forum and I have been betrayed yet I (as in ME) am being unjust?

 

I'm not sure if you have read the whole thread, but I have talked about my choice to not tell the other BS. I believe that when he is ready he will confront it. He knows that I don't believe their version of events. He knows that one more non disclosure of contact = the end. He is also aware of how much contact his W and my H were spending together. Other than to spell out the sorry truth, which is clearly what you think I must do, I have given him everything.

 

Has it ever occured to you that some people just don't want to know the truth?

 

I also believe that he will understand why I have taken the path that I have. I am NOT encouraging a relationship between my H & his W. I do not enable them.

 

It may not seem like it to you, but I am a good friend and I am definately someone that you would want in your corner - I just find the whole 'I need to tell him outright' a little self serving. I am not saying this has been an easy decision. I have found it difficult, really difficult. I am also not saying that I will absolutely not ever tell him. I want it to be for the right reasons. Not just to destroy her life.

[findingnemo]

Regarding telling her H, don't look at it as self-serving. It's not about getting her to feel pain although if I were you I wouldn't be sad about it. It's about protecting your family, aussie mum.

 

Think about it this way. Your BF who knows you, who knows your kids, who you could trust with your kids and she could trust you with hers...just f***ed your H. That, my dear, is the stark reality. She basically tried to destroy the safe haven, the happy home that your children have and that they need to become well adjusted adults. People make mistakes all the time but this was no mistake because it happened more than once. This was no mistake because they did it in your presence (assuming you sleep like a log and would not wake up). Your BF not only disrespected you, she obviously disrespects your kids, her own kids and her H. These two people weighed the risks and at some point decided that having some fun was worth making everybody else's lives miserable.

 

Your BF is definitely not your friend. She doesn't have your best interests at heart. In fact she isn't your H's friend either because she is encouraging him to destroy the very thing that makes him happy - his family. What kind of a friend is she? More like an enemy.

 

Telling her BH is important for two reasons. The first is to put a stop to this cancer. It is just like a cancer. It will grow and grow and eventually kill the host - your family. It will also kill her family. If you care about their children, then telling her H about this now is the best way to ensure no more damage is done. The second reason is so that everybody involved is aware of the situation so that any efforts made to sort things out will have a chance to work. Your H going to IC will do no good if the only reason he must go is to make you happy. He can tell you anything...and get away with it. How would you know what the truth is?

 

I totally understand that you want to fight for your family. Well, Aussie mum, this is a war. Your BF has declared war, ambushed you 4 or 5 times and suddenly you now know that you're under attack. You need allies. The best one at the moment is the BH. He will react the same as you and put brakes on this from his end. Your BF will suffer consequences which will make her unlikely to have even an emotional A. Maybe your kids will stop being very close with theirs, but this is a consequence of two married idiots f***ing each other. In any case, do you want any of the children to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour? No you don't.

 

Sometimes things happen to us that are so painful that our minds try to put a simple spin on it. Simple infidelity is much easier to deal with than what has happened here. For goodness' sake!!! Two married BFs are having a sexual R!! This is possibly the worst kind of infidelity bar none. I know it's hard to think about the full implications but they exist nonetheless. I know it's hard to imagine how quickly your life has been turned upside down but it has.

 

This is the time to do or die...and pray that you come out of this sane and your kids get a chance at true happiness. As confused, frustrated, angry and sad as you are, here's what I would do:

 

1) throw him out...and demand that he does IC and MC along with you.

2) expose to the BH and inform him that your children will no longer see each other as long as that woman is still in their home.

 

What happens after that is unpredictable. But I suspect everybody involved will begin to work hard to figure themselves out.

[Steen719]

^^^^^^^^

This, without a doubt.

 

What kind of friend is this who would do this to you? Good Lord, woman, this is no friend. This is someone who does not have your interests, your concerns or your feelings in mind.

 

How can this even be a question when the two people you thought you could count on have betrayed your trust?

[Steen719]

I guess I am too tired to find it, but I think you said you were not enabling this, but you are by not disclosing this to her H. A dear friend of mine was married to a cheater. I had heard it many times, but never saw him, so felt as if I couldn't tell her. She told me later that she was so hurt by the fact that no one told her and he was not even with a friend! Imagine how hurt she would have been then.

 

The other thing is you called it an Emotional Affair, but masturbating each other is not emotional. It is physical.

 

Good luck.

[Artie Lang]

Wow really? The MOST unjust thing you have ever come across. I find that thought incredulous. We are on an infidelity forum and I have been betrayed yet I (as in ME) am being unjust?

Yes, you are!

 

You have a vital piece of information concerning this man's marriage. you are protecting these two cheaters, in the guise of a noble act-- trying to keep two families from being destroyed. well.....you know what? they have been destroyed: you're just in denial; and he(OBS) is oblivious to it!

 

 

Has it ever occurred to you that some people just don't want to know the truth?

 

How do you know that?

 

You said it yourself-- you don't want the fallout of the exposure to hurt your standing in the community, so you sit back while this "friend" of yours is being cuckolded by his wife and your husband. wow.....just wow!

 

 

I am a good friend and I am definately someone that you would want in your corner

Oh, really? how so?

 

A true friend would be honest with you, even if it means this honesty might sting.

 

You are perpetuating deceitfulness against this man's person-- your so-called "friend."

 

Again.....how can you look him straight in the eyes, and NOT tell him?!

Edited April 30, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Spark1111]

aussie mom.....the betrayal is not in the telling...it is in the actions of those who betrayed.

 

You sound like a strong, responsible woman, but you should not be the mother of those two. They too have to gain some maturity and grow up. You cannot, nor should you protect everyone from their own actions.

 

I think it may come back to bite you hard.

 

The longer you wait to expose to her H, the more your desire to be a good friend will be called into question. It may be used against you. Given enough time, she may convince him you didn't see what you saw; you are crazy, you are unstable; never happened blah, blah, blah.

 

I think the best play here is for all four of you to sit down together, and for your H to man up and confess his actions to the other H with you as a witness.

 

Then four adults can hopefully discuss and put into play safeguards for the marriages and the friendships, or amicably agree to dissolve the friendship.

 

He is not a child and you are not his mother, nor her's. And I would trust neither one of them to tell the truth without you present.

 

Please consider this, the sooner the better. I think if you enact the above scenario, you may have a shot. It you do not, your lack of action can be perceived as too protective, and hence, spun to be untrue.

 

Do you realize this?

[PeineDeCoeur]

Your BF and H need some very clear boundaries. Unfortunately, they won't set these on their own. YOU need to tell him what the boundaries are, and in turn her H needs to hold her accountable for her actions. He can only do this, and be your ally, if he knows what is going on.

 

Frankly, the fact that they f****ed near YOU while you were sleeping is incredible to me. They are so lost in their fog that they can't see out of it, are not aware of the risks they are taking. THe only way they will get out is to force some consequences on BOTH of them.

 

I agree with the other posters - if you do not take some action soon it will take its toll on your physical and mental health. By letting the BF's H know, you are giving them a chance to deal with their own marriage issues.

 

If you do not put something in place, I believe their affair will continue... they will keep taking risks until something more drastic happens. Think about this! What if one of your children witnesses something? Do some damage control and contain the explosion and its effects on your family. Deal with it now.

[aussie mum]

So, we seem to be at an impasse with regards to telling BH. This was not ever part of the reason I posted here in the first place.

 

Artie Lang - You ask how would I know - we have had discussions (at length) about it. He has made it clear that he doesn't quite trust her - knows that our issues arose from my H and his W together. Knows I don't believe the story I was told (but did not ask me for further clarification on that).

 

I have never said that it is because of my standing in the community that I was/am protecting. I don't want peoples sympathy, I don't want to be pitied. I don't want to be the mother of 5 whose husband cheated on her. I don't want to be part of the local gossip. I don't want to be vunerable. I also did nothing wrong so in what way would it hurt my standing?

 

I am also not trying to play 'noble'. I am trying to conduct myself in a way that is dignified. I AM better than what they have done to me. I won't sink to their level. I do not need to destroy her or my H. I will not however let them destroy what I have a rigth to expect within my marriage.

 

Yes, their relationship was sexual. Yes it was heartbreaking for me to wake up to/listen to and confront my H with, in my favourite holiday destination in the world. It was humilating, painful, disrespectful and not something I would wish on my worst enemy. To have been betrayed by the one person I NEVER believed would do this . . . with my BF - and therefore another person who I steadfastly believed would not do this.

 

Again - I AM BROKEN and I continue on in the best way I know how.

 

I've considered all that has been said and there are comments that definately soften my resolve. I do believe that my H and her are NOT behaving sexually anymore.

 

He is not a child and you are not his mother, nor her's. And I would trust

neither one of them to tell the truth without you present

 

This resonates with me spark1111, thanks. I am not and I do feel as though I am carrying the burden of what they have done without them taking responsibility. I like your proposed idea and shall keep that one in my back pocket.

 

PNC I would be shattered if my children witnessed anything and knowing this it becomes a little clearer to me that I will make the hard calls when it is for someone else.

 

Findingnemo, you also speak wise words and I appreciate you candor. I would like to be able to cut & quote properly, but I understand what you are saying and I you have not made me feel completely misunderstood.

 

Posting here has not led me where I thought it might. I actually don't know what I was looking for exactly - I was reeling from the repeated 'I love you Sarah'. I guess for some support. But I feel more conflicted than ever. Who am I trying to protect? Why? What are the motivations for my own choices?

[woinlove]

I'm sorry for all you are going through. Having read through this thread, I think people are concerned about whether you are placing too much trust in your H and BF in knowing that they are not still sexual in any way, in knowing there is not a whole lot more to the deception, and in thinking the 3 of you can handle things without bringing in the BH of your friend.

 

For one thing, when one is close to someone, attracted to them, and sexual with them, it is extremely rare for the relationship to turn back to an appropriate friendship. If that is to happen, the person has to actually grieve their former sexual/romantic relationship and move on from it and only then is there a chance of simply being friends. Even then it can cross the line again. When that sexual relationship was based on deceit and lies, it is even more unlikely that one can become "just friends" again. So, that is why any contact is typically considered just a continuation of the secret affair.

 

Ending affairs is often very difficult, and when there is continuing contact and one of the BS is still in the dark, those are conditions which make it even more difficult. The fact that your H blurted out his love for the OW suggests a level of emotional involvement that can take a long time of hard work and commitment to move on from. If he sees her or communicates with her in any way, this makes it so much more difficult to move on from that.

Edited May 1, 2012 by woinlove

[PeineDeCoeur]

I feel for you, I really do. It's all fresh and raw and I think you need some time to process everything that's happened. Maybe the first thing to do now is proceed with the IC and MC. But it's not just HIM that needs the IC - you need it too. Trust is paramount in a marriage - and he has blown your trust away. The IC will help you come to your own conclusions about what actions are right for you and your situation.

 

Your priority needs to be you and your children. He has shown he can't/won't put you and them first. This realization (for different reasons) is what has led me to separation/divorce.

 

You should also think about starting to cut ties with your BFs family... you can do this slowly, gradually and start saying no. I know you care about them, but contact with them is hurting you and yours, even if indirectly. You don't have to go cold turkey. Start building some boundaries there. It's time to start distancing yourself and creating new connections elsewhere, that are friendly to your M. It's hard, but as long as your BF (and we have to stop calling her a BF, because SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND) is around, their affair will continue in some capacity.

 

Keep posting. We are here.

[Artie Lang]

we have had discussions (at length) about it. He has made it clear that he doesn't quite trust her - knows that our issues arose from my H and his W together.

 

so what you're saying is that he KNOWS, already?

 

i'm confused???