snow_x Posted June 20, 2004 Posted June 20, 2004 Help me someone anyone everyone. I am losing my mind over him. I initiated a post as axelle with title he's attempting to meet girls on business trip but I am registered as snow_x. Here is how it stands now. WE are broke up. I broke up because on the weekend we saw each other the fri night at 10:30, then I went cycling the next day and we saw each other at night. Then the next day, I had dragon boat practice and left. He phoned me home and said what's up. I said I was going to his place. He said come at 8:30, then he said, well if you come you have to let me do my things like if we are old married couple. I said we don't live together and then he said why don't you go out with a friend. I wanted to see him and he give me attention. I said fine. I didn't but I cried all night. WE had not seen each other all weekend and now he did not want me to come over because I would be in the way of his chores he said. I think maybe he had other plans. The next day he phoned me at work. I did not answer, then at night he phoned me and I told him I felt like cheap **** friend. After a week of no contact, I sent him an e-mail telling him all I didn't like in the relationship. It was not all sweet. He replied with **** yous . He said he was really hurt when I did not move in with him 2 years ago. Every year he asks me and I never go. I have a son and his father lives near my place. And I have doubts. I feel that because I don't go live with him, he took the relationship as casual and did things. But he says no, that he has always been faithfull. That was last Monday. Then that night I phoned him and cried. Then last Thursday I phoned him and we talked. I then wrote him that I could not have him in my life anymore. It hurt me too much. He wrote, well we went out 3 years and I don't even get a friend out of it. He wrote he is happy to consider me his friend and he wait for the day I talk to him. HE says he thinks of me a lot. I feel he is manipulating me over and over and then, I am not sure anymore. I am losing it. I think of suicide now. I feel like talking to him it is so hard. Why when he hurt me so much do I want always to see him. He was looking at underage porn and that destroyed me, but I still could not leave him. I posted in dating section Boyfriend into underage porn as SweetJulia. What can I do? I think if I lived with him, he would not have done those things. Help me. I see a shrink but it doesn't seem to help. I feel old and like my life is over now. I am so sad.
uriel Posted June 20, 2004 Posted June 20, 2004 I'm sorry you're so sad. I'm not sure I'm sorry you broke up. You've been having serious doubts about this guy for more than one reason -- the staying with other women in various cities (or attempts to do so) and the underage porn (by which I assume you mean legal teen sites and not child porn -- in which case you should report him). Although he's asked you to move in before, he hasn't helped you to feel safe and secure with him, which is how you should feel with a man with whom you live or intend to marry. Given that you have a son, you also want to find a man who is good father material -- and I doubt this guy fits the bill. You are never too old to find love. You shouldn't ever let anyone matter to you so much that you cease to matter more, either. I'm sure you have some insight into why you allowed those feelings to grow. From my own experience, I know that allowing someone you love to keep disrespecting you -- out of hope things will improve -- chips away at your self-esteem until you can't even feel who you are anymore. When you stop contact with him and heal yourself, that bad, low feeling about yourself will go away. You'll begin to feel sexy, cool, beautiful and interested in life again. I was so broken up, I nearly had to be hospitalized. My life today is the opposite. I'm happy. Took a long while -- I stopped contact over two years ago. At times, I thought it would kill me not to contact him. But I faced the pain and did everything I could to recover -- including therapy. It's just that therapy doesn't work unless you back up your new insights with action. In this case, action is walking away. You can live without him, and you will. Believe me, sweetie, you'll really live -- your only regrets will be betraying yourself (that takes a good deal of self-forgiveness) and taking so long to snap out of it. Do what you have to do to walk away from this. Stop doubting yourself. If you're not happy, however he reasons about it, whatever excuses there are, this isn't the right relationship for you. The right relationship should make you feel like you can take on the world -- not like you are carrying it on your shoulders. Take care -- uriel
Cupcake Posted June 20, 2004 Posted June 20, 2004 I was in an LDR for the past year. My exbf and I had made plans for me to move to be closer with him. We were going to get an apartment and live together. Then he lost his job and was umemployed for a few months. Unfortunately, this happened during the time that the lease in my current apartment expired. I had to make a fast decision: to stay where I was until my exbf got a new job, or to risk moving into a new apartment with him to support both of us for a while, until he got on his feet. Out of pure maturity, I decided to stay where I was. Which meant continuing the LDR for at least another year. My exbf concidered moving to be closer to me, but changed his mind when he realized that he'd be losing his sex buddies, and several other people he was involved with. Of course when I found out about his sex buddies, I got angry. He comanded me to accept that he would have sex buddies as long as he and I were in the LDR. I dealt with the sex buddy idea for a while after knowing this. He'd convinced me that it was normal for LDRs. Then he stopped calling me as often and returning my calls or emails. He suddenly became waaaay tooo busy for me. And sometimes when he did answer my calls, he would have a annoying tone as though I was bothering him, even when we hadn't spoken in a while. It got really bad for me. I felt like I wanted to die. So I broke up with him in order to feel better about myself. I haven't called him since the day I broke up with him three weeks ago. For the first week after the break up, he called me every day to change my mind. The second week he sent me flowers and he called once during that week just to say "he still loves me." This week, he called me Tuesday, and Friday, just to say he loves me. He doesn't want me to forget him, eventhough he already has a serious girlfriend now. He tells me "you broke up with me so I had to find someone else who loves me." He wants me to feel guilty about breaking up with him. The point I'd like to make is, you are not alone in the way you feel. I'm suffering the same as you. And it's doubly hard because we have to realize that WE dumped them, and now WE'RE lonely. It's going to take some time to get over this. Yes it's very difficult. But try not to think about any of the good times with them. Foucus on the REASON we dumped them. And we will feel better when we've found new boyfriends who help us forget about the ex-boyfriends. But we need to heal before moving on so that we don't take any baggage into the new relationship.
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