Used, Dumped and Furious!

April 24, 2012

So once the dust settles, he'll be back to cheating on his wife? That he's not really working on the M...

hmmmmmm.....good points.

No, that letter was heartfelt and he isn't going to go lookin for another affair. That's suicide for his marriage and the life he knows. He'll lose it all if he makes a stupid and selfish choice to go cheat again.

He wants to work on things with his wife and save his marriage. He's been given a chance to make it right again, he isn't going to continue his cheating ways.

April 24, 2012

So you think he was pretending to love me?

Do you think he's a serial cheater that has had many affairs? He said ours was his first.

So once the dust settles, he'll be back to cheating on his wife? That he's not really working on the M...

hmmmmmm.....good points.

How long were you together? It's not improbable that he was lying when he said you were the first. He may go back to cheating on his wife, and he might not, my crystal ball is broken. It doesn't sound like she was shocked, so it sounds like he could be validly be working on his marriage. Either way, he has said he doesn't want you anymore. Nurse your heart, grieve and let it go or you will end up bitter and resentful.

April 24, 2012

So you think he was pretending to love me?

Do you think he's a serial cheater that has had many affairs? He said ours was his first.

So once the dust settles, he'll be back to cheating on his wife? That he's not really working on the M...

hmmmmmm.....good points.

1) He probably really liked you a lot, but I think that he used the love angle as a way to manipulate you

2) The WS that I was involved with told me that I was the first one for her too, but I don't believe her and I said it to her straight in her face. I gave her my assessment of what I thought her psychological profile was, down to the details. So, I don't know if your MM is a serial cheater, but he made up his mind to be with you- affairs don't happen by accident. They are planned...all of them!

April 24, 2012

Yes, but I think i pushed him to it. He was nice until I started threatening to tell his W. Everyone has said I should have never done that....that it was against the code so i'm just seeing that was my first mistake.

i think things might have turned out differently if i had been patient and let him make his own decisions but i forced his hand by blackmailing him...

or by pretending to...same thing i guess.

Everyone can seem nice when everything is horses and butterflies.... its when push comes to shove when we find out what and how ppl are. He's not nice. And took little responsbility for his actions. "I don't understand why I did it myself"..... classic. I will say I did something, and then totally back track with an excuse. WTFE.

However, he does say to quit. And by all means, for your dignity, do so. You can do this. And you can become better and at peace.

April 24, 2012

1) He probably really liked you a lot, but I think that he used the love angle as a way to manipulate you

I agree with this, but I'll add he manipulated you in a selfish way without really giving it tons of thought. It wasn't malicous or cold/calculated.. It's just what MM and MW do to their OM/OW to make sure they get the best of both worlds. Manipulation but not in malicous intent. Selfish behaviour and sense of entitlement.

April 24, 2012

Read Alexandria's post above again and again because THIS is the reason that it over. As she says, it would have been over sooner but he was scared you were going to rat him out. Think about it........what Alexandria said makes perfect sense. To believe that if you had acted differently would have made him stay with you is just carrying on more delusions.

Oh and this advice that you are getting on how to be a good ow, don't get emotionally involved, etc.......I hope you can come to realize that isn't a healthy option either. Affairs.....are bad choices, not healthy, not sound and painful. Unless you are just out to use people like the one who tells you how to be a good ow.

That does make sense but so does the post below about how he probably would have come back if I had not been so needy. I guess I would have been content with the passion and sex for awhile but I see now that he did me a favour because now i can move on. Either fix things with my H or divorce.

Yes, he would have come back, but not the way you wanted it along the lines of a healthy relationship. He wants to keep the affair (sex, passion) going; at the same time, he made up his mind a long time ago that leaving the marriage is not what he wanted all along because he is a big baby.

WS' always ride this roller coaster with you...some days they're very affectionate and attentive, only to do a 180 on you by acting distant. This is the name of the game called an affair. You have to accept these rules should you decided to get involved with someone who is married.

Oh, and the comment about being a bad OW was tongue in cheek. I should have used a smilie.

April 24, 2012

Rightwoman, read the stages of grief. There is a stage in there about bargaining. "if I did this different", etc. etc. It might help you understand what your going through and what lies ahead for your grieving process.

April 24, 2012

How long were you together? It's not improbable that he was lying when he said you were the first. He may go back to cheating on his wife, and he might not, my crystal ball is broken. It doesn't sound like she was shocked, so it sounds like he could be validly be working on his marriage. Either way, he has said he doesn't want you anymore. Nurse your heart, grieve and let it go or you will end up bitter and resentful.

We were together for almost 10 months when he said he was going to leave his w but we took a 4 month break after 6.5 months. We continued on for 4 more months after he said he was leaving her but it was rocky during that time so I guess 14 months in total.

April 24, 2012

Rightwoman, read the stages of grief. There is a stage in there about bargaining. "if I did this different", etc. etc. It might help you understand what your going through and what lies ahead for your grieving process.

Yes, I am grieving him....i do know i'm a bit all over the place. I'm not as dumb as I'm acting like now. My friend said she's never seen me this upset over anything or anyone before so i know i need to get myself together and i will.

April 24, 2012

Yes, I am grieving him....i do know i'm a bit all over the place. I'm not as dumb as I'm acting like now. My friend said she's never seen me this upset over anything or anyone before so i know i need to get myself together and i will.

I completely understand! When you can PM me, I will share some of my stories with you. As I said in my earlier post, I have felt everything you are feeling. Trust me.

April 24, 2012

14 months

I'm not downplaying how awful you feel or how real your feelings are for him.. Of course you can't just shut it off. It will take time but with this letter and knowing that IT IS OVER, something that you have no choice but to accept and work through everything makes it easier in some sense as you didn't invest years of your life into him and making plans. Some OW have gone through what you've been through and been in the A for over 3 years. BE GLAD it was a year (I'm saying a year because of those four months apart).. When you think of it in those terms, one year of your life isn't THAT long, though it may feel like it.

April 24, 2012

I completely understand! When you can PM me, I will share some of my stories with you. As I said in my earlier post, I have felt everything you are feeling. Trust me.

thanks, i appreciate that...when can you PM on this forum?

April 24, 2012

I'm not downplaying how awful you feel or how real your feelings are for him.. Of course you can't just shut it off. It will take time but with this letter and knowing that IT IS OVER, something that you have no choice but to accept and work through everything makes it easier in some sense as you didn't invest years of your life into him and making plans. Some OW have gone through what you've been through and been in the A for over 3 years. BE GLAD it was a year (I'm saying a year because of those four months apart).. When you think of it in those terms, one year of your life isn't THAT long, though it may feel like it.

yes, thats a good point because i am so crazy about him that i probably would have done something foolish and stayed in the A for years. Sadly.

April 24, 2012

thanks, i appreciate that...when can you PM on this forum?

If you want PM privvies now, you can join as a supporting member, or wait 30 days and hit 100 posts. Though you're close to 100 posts, so it'll be a month after your LS joining date.

yes, thats a good point because i am so crazy about him that i probably would have done something foolish and stayed in the A for years. Sadly.

You are free of it all now. NO more drama, pain and heartache, roller coaster ride. This pain is all at once and it's final - I actually think as time goes on it won't take you half as long as you think to get through this and feel so much better. Knowing NC is in place and nobody is going to break it is a good thing for you, it'll help you heal quicker too.

April 24, 2012

If you want PM privvies now, you can join as a supporting member, or wait 30 days and hit 100 posts. Though you're close to 100 posts, so it'll be a month after your LS joining date.

You are free of it all now. NO more drama, pain and heartache, roller coaster ride. This pain is all at once and it's final - I actually think as time goes on it won't take you half as long as you think to get through this and feel so much better. Knowing NC is in place and nobody is going to break it is a good thing for you, it'll help you heal quicker too.

thanks for the info re pm's.

yes, i am free even if i don't want to be....i know, i know.

as for NC, his w told my H that if her H contacts me she will D him so I guess if he wants a D, I will know it if he contacts me.

April 24, 2012

And IF he contacts you - you KNOW you are his #2 choice... And you would still take him back knowing he really didn't want you but only came to you because he no longer could choose his wife?

Why be his booby prize?

Think more of yourself - you need to value yourself!

April 24, 2012

And IF he contacts you - you KNOW you are his #2 choice... And you would still take him back knowing he really didn't want you but only came to you because he no longer could choose his wife?

Why be his booby prize?

Think more of yourself - you need to value yourself!

thats not what i meant. if he contacts me then i know he doesn't care if his w D's him...not that he will only contact me if she does.

if he risks D, then I would be first choice.

but not saying that's going to happen at all!

April 24, 2012

Your perspective is viewing this backwards.

April 24, 2012

RightWoman you have co-depency issues, maybe some childhood issues, of abandoment,neglect,etc.. Please do yourself a favor and get help..FOCUS ON YOU..Why are you focusing on this man and his wife? Instead of thinking "why the W wants him back?" think about WHY YOU WANT HIM BACK..Why are you torturing yourself? That man is married and he wants to stay married..respect that! And respect yourself!! You are going to look back at this one day and shake your head in shame...stop contacting them! Is making you look CRAZY..HIM AND HER THEY BOTH THINK YOU ARE SICK IN THE HEAD!

April 24, 2012

Right Woman you keep going on and on about their lack of sex, I will say it again and again, a lack of sex doesn't mean that the marriage is over, bad, lacking in love and intimacy, nor does it give the MM Carte Blanche to use another woman to have his sexual needs met. How dammed insulting to the woman who is being used just for sex and how easy does it make for the man to say well I wasn't having sex with you so I turned to someone who I knew would put out. Imagine if the BS had told him she was going to look for sex elsewhere too, bet he would have had a dammed fit.

Lots of people from all sides of the A, with lots of experience, some very different have tried to get you to see that this constant blaming his wife or thinking he will leave and come find you. I can tell you from my experience as a XBS that my H hates the OW with a vengeance for her constant harrassment of me, her sending stuff, phoning, lies etc. I don't hate her, but I am finding it all very needy and when he says that it wnet on longer because she was going to tell me, I believe him, hell she even confirmed it. If someone wants to be with you, then they will be. He had the opportunity to leave and he chose to stay, and has told you to back off and threatened legal action. Think about the legal action, this would mean it all coming out into the open, everyone would know, his reputation would be in the toilet and yet he is willing to risk all that, just to get you to stop contacting his wife.

I am sorry you are hurting this way, truly, but at some point there comes a time when it is seen in the cold hard light of day, no excuses made for either of you. I think it is a distraction from your own marriage that needs fixing, if you concentrated on that then maybe you will find peace and happiness, it is all any of us should strive towards. I know you are hurt but time to begin to heal and one of the first steps is being honest with yourself what it was all about. Then move on, learn from it and hopefull find some peace of mind xx

April 24, 2012

Wow, I've been away for one day and this thread was born and morphed into a long one.

TRW, it seems when you first posted you were in absolute hell with pain. You were not being rational about things but as the thread has progressed, you're beginning to get it...sort of.

About his letter...it's called the NC letter. I personally find it sincere. I doubt that his W forced him to write all those words. He is obviously angry at you and so implies that you're crazy but he also took responsibility for being with you.

To me, it serves no purpose to question why his W stays, or if the M is sexless or not. The W seems to be level headed when she explains to you why they are where they are and that now they are working on their M. Please accept what they are both saying and move on. Sort out your own life from which you escaped by engaging in the A. When you find yourself happy, you may realize that you don't really love this man. You've been dependent on him to bring a smile on your face. The lesson to learn here is never to make your happiness dependent on another human being...ever.

Let him go...let them be.

April 24, 2012

Some posters have said he used me for sex. I guess I let myself be used though. I do see that...

Ok good. I was hoping that you would see that you are only the victim of YOUR choices.

And for the person who asked why I still love him....I don't know. I can't just turn it off. I still remember his good qualities. I miss him.

So....you love him and want him back but you can't say why?

We all have good qualities. However, some people's bad qualities far outweigh those good ones.

Perhaps take a pad and pencil and list out behaviors you see as good or bad. Be honest about it. That might help you see things a bit clearer.

His W knows he's a liar and a cheat and she still loves him so how is it any different. Are the BS's foolish for loving their WS's?

Missing the point. He went back to her. His choice.

Respect it and move on.

Did you notice something? You begin this marathon thread by saying you are in an open M and this was for fun - the open M was a way of coping with a less than ideal H. And now, you are "furious" that your MM hasn't left (you at the least indicated a willingness to leave if he did). The problem isn't your MM

It's you.

You're furious because your escape ticket out of your M choose his W. it's a double-whammy: "losing" to W and still being stuck in your M. And, IMO, even if he had left your R with him would have fizzled. You can't use people as an escape - the soft landing.

Want out? Then get out. You don't need another man to cushion the blow.

You'll be here again, same MM or a different one. Your problem isn't him, it's your deep unhappiness (for now personified as your M). Fix THAT and life begins to turn your way.

April 24, 2012

thanks, i appreciate that...when can you PM on this forum?

You can, but I think you have to have 100 posts and certain amount of time.... unless you want to pay a small fee. Which is like 2$.

Edited April 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed number

April 24, 2012

thats not what i meant. if he contacts me then i know he doesn't care if his w D's him...not that he will only contact me if she does.

if he risks D, then I would be first choice.

but not saying that's going to happen at all!

No if he contacts you it is because he was rejected by the woman he really wanted and settled for you. Mind you that if she doesn't take him back he will more than likely eventually move on to someone else because you will remind him of what he lost.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, leave and start a new life. You don't NEED a man to do that.

Edited April 24, 2012 by stillafool

April 24, 2012

No if he contacts you it is because he was rejected by the woman he really wanted and settled for you. Mind you that if she doesn't take him back he will more than likely eventually move on to someone else because you will remind him of what he lost.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, leave and start a new life. You don't NEED a man to do that.

This is true. And my xMM used the line that "I was his first pick because he was risking his M".

Rightwoman, don't buy this. Its all a spin. In a couple of months, you will start to see how much a lot of what he said was spinning. Give yourself some time to see these things. It will come. I promise!

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