ketl Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 My boyfriend has a problem. He shouts at people. When we are in the car together, he regularly holds the horn for 10 seconds at a time, telling off other drivers. If someone shows him attitude in line for a movie, he might loudly lecture them. The other day we were crossing the street together and he shouted at a woman in a car who didn't stop at the stoplight fast enough. I was scared and embarrassed so I didn't cross the street with him. He then got extremely angry at me for not "hustling." The outing we were supposed to go to was cancelled because he was supposedly not in the mood anymore. When I tried to talk about this with him he got angry and upset saying he is tired of my judgmental attitude and bored of having this conversation. I do tell him pretty much every day or every other day that his anger makes me uncomfortable. What can we do? We love each other a lot and have long term plans to be together but I'm sick of this childish yelling. He claims he is working on it but I haven't seen any improvement!!
sal110104 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Just an outside opinion - he sounds like he has real anger issues. Are you ever scared around him? Can you suggest anger-management classes?
Author ketl Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 Thanks sal! Yes, I agree. I'm not scared by him. Usually he is as gentle and supportive as a lamb. However, once I stopped him during a fight (with someone else) he looked at me with such rage I thought he was going to smash something. In his teens he had anger issues. He went to a special school for teens with behavioral difficulties. He has been in therapy in the past and that seems to have helped. He is 24 now. Currently he reads books about spirituality and does yoga but unfortunately he is not approaching this issue from a psychological way, and I'm not sure if it's my place to ask him to see a shrink.
sal110104 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I dated a guy once short term - who I thought had anger issues - not towards me but in general - like he would smash the cable box if the tv went out or something. Just me personal preference - I couldnt handle that - I am the polar opposite & very laid back so it would get tiring for me to deal with someone so angry & quick to fly off the handle. You cant fix him - he has to want to change on his own - if you arent happy you need to have a conversation and lay it out that you cant be around someone who shouts at you. I know you might love him - but when the bad starts to outweigh the good - you gotta wonder is it worth it?
firehawk_1 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 this is what happens when women make a "bad boy". (not saying you, talking about the past). people dont get how stupid it is and the consequences. if I were you, I would move on to something better. you need to put your safety first. who knows what will happen next. you did the right thing though about trying to talk to him about anger issues - not alot of people would take that step. the fact that he apperently also gets involved in fights and you stop it.... not good. he really isnt a decent guy. he needs to learn it is NOT acceptable for such behavior.
dasein Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Sorry you are having to tolerate this, I wouldn't put up with it. Give him like three strikes or something.
InJest Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Sounds like he was like this before you met him, so you really don't have a right to try to change him. He has shown you he has no intentions of changing, so I advise that you either break up with him or quit bitching.
ASG Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 It's really hard to deal with people who have anger issues. My ex had road rage. Once we got into a major fight because we were trying to get somewhere neither of us knew exactly where it was and were relying on internet phone google maps. I was trying to make it out and explain it the best I could, but he got frustrated and at one point blamed me for everything and threw the phone is my general direction. I was beyond upset. We eventually found the place and I just left the car and walked ahead, not caring if he was behind me or not. When he caught up he had the nerve to get pissy with me about it!!!! I let him know exactly what was wrong and how he'd kinda ruined my mood and evening. He apologized profusely, but ended up doing a similar thing a couple of weeks later. We broke up not long after (due to many other things). If you don't feel comfortable with it (and I wouldn't either), there is nothing you can do. That sort of thing is usually ingrained and it's very rare that they'll change. So you need to figure out if you can cope and deal or if you have to move on, however painful it might be.
Andy_K Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I'd leave him if I were you. There are enough guys out there that you don't need to put up with this. Or you could wait till you have kids together, he starts hitting you, and you're afraid to leave and be a single mum.
mtber75 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 You should tell him to seek professional help before he ends up in jail or worst...I mean if he yells at the wrong person/people that won't be pretty!
january2011 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) How is he working on it? With a professional? Self-study/research? You tell him regularly that his behaviour makes you uncomfortable. He thinks you're being judgemental and is bored of talking about this with you. Someone who continues to be antisocial at the expense of their partner's comfort and at the expense of their relationship is not someone who is willing to invest in the long term. Other than the love (which on his part is questionable considering his behaviour) and long-term plans, I don't see any upsides to this relationship. If you have not drawn the line already, you need to draw it now. And if he crosses it, leave him without looking back. I can't see how you can have a long-term future with someone who consistently makes you unhappy and uncomfortable when you spend time with them. Edited April 23, 2012 by january2011
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