lakeshore678 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I have never posted on a forum before. I'll try to keep it brief. I am 55. I dated my boyfriend all through high school. We drifted apart, one marriage each. Mine lasted 23 years, his lasted 30 years. He called me soon after his wife left him. Has dated no one else. We are very compatible. Live 1 1/2 hours apart. He has talked about marriage from day one, but says we have to wait until we retire. 4 1/2 years from now. No reason for this. We are both financially stable. I never sought a partner after my divorce, never interested in remarriage. All of a sudden I feel ready. Last son going off to college. Sick of my job. I love him and I know he loves me just as much. What are we waiting for? I do feel we communicate well, but I have a problem with being seen as begging. Probably because I raised my kids alone and am independent. I am beginning to think there's some fear? control? trust issues left over from 1st marriage? I don't know and I don't know how to approach him. (by the way, we had 7 sons between the two of us while apart, and they are ALL supportive).
Lucky_One Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Well, how long have you been dating? What would YOU see as the ideal plan if you married (where would you live? are you planning on working? how would you work assets/inheritances?)
Author lakeshore678 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 Thank you so much for replying. We have dated 1 1/2 years. No I would probably not work and he wouldn't expect me to. I would move up to his place. He lives on 70 acres and I live in a condo. We are both outdoors people. Good point about the assets. I should have thought that through. I suppose we'd just pool our assets. I don't make very much at all, but I have a pretty sizable 401k, he makes a lot of money, but isn't a good saver, so it's not like I'd be living off him. We'd each have something to offer, financially. I might substitute teach, but just for something to do while he's at work. His divorce was finalized 6 months ago. My child support ends this year and the economy sucks and at my age I probably couldn't find a higher paying job, so some of the reason it makes sense is financial, but I'm not a mooch or anything. I could live for a long time on my savings.
Author lakeshore678 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 I might have made it sound too "financial". I love him. I enjoy his company. I like taking care of him. I know he loves me. We are very compatible. We are happy when we're together and miss each other when we're not. That's the main reason I feel ready.
sal110104 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Why do you have to get married? Could you live together? Then maybe when you retire get married. Maybe he is scared to be married again. I know right now I dont want to be married again - I have been divorced for about a year.
FitChick Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I can see him not wanting to get married right away since he's only been divorced six months. A bit shell shocked I would think. When is your last kid out of the nest? Move and then play things by ear. He may want to marry you sooner. I'd find out why he has to wait until he is retired though. Is he working ungodly hours trying to save up money for retirement?
Author lakeshore678 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 I suppose you are right and I just don't want to think of it that way. I have been divorced a lot longer than he has, and I wouldn't have been ready to get married 6 months after mine. I haven't moved in with him, because, honestly, I always told my kids it was the wrong thing to do. Maybe I owe all 4 of them an apology. Things aren't always as black and white as I want them to be. He did tell me, "I think you're going to have to push me a little" when talking about the future. I think he probably is just scared and who would blame him? I keep thinking he has nothing to fear, since I would never cheat on him like his ex-wife, but 30 years is a really long time to spend in a marriage with no trust. I guess it's my problem, not his. I'm just going to plan on at least two years and then I'll bring it up again if it seems right. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy him every moment I can, and who knows? I don't think he's working like crazy to save money for retirement. I think it's just a way of postponing marriage, but at least I think I understand why he's doing it better now. He has to pay his ex-wife 400 dollars a week in alimony for the next seven years, and it doesn't seem to be any burden for him, I'm pretty sure it's not financial at all.
Author lakeshore678 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 My last kid goes to college in the fall, that's why I started to think it was time. We have dated 1 1/2 years. It took a long time for his divorce to be finalized. Thanks again. I feel much better.
Author lakeshore678 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 Sorry to keep spouting. I don't think I COULD live with him. I couldn't commute that far to my job and at my age the chances of finding something else (in Michigan where we both live) that offers health insurance is about nil. I teach school and could and would substitute if I left my job, but there would be no health insurance available in that. I would need to marry him to get on his health insurance plan and we are both aware of that. He couldn't leave his job and move by me either, because he would be in exactly the same situation (couldn't find another job, no insurance)
rickys Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 OK...so whats the problem? As you said that he wants to marry you and you also want to....then what are you waiting for?
Feelin Frisky Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Hi and welcome to LS. Obviously there is love and desire there but IMO some bizarre belief in immortality. If you only live an hour and a half away for each other and are free to get together, it's flat nuts to deny yourself that pleasure for several more years. here's nothing to do but communicate with him and don't worry about appearances or projecting poorly. This dude needs to have some sense spoken to him and that can come from you and perhaps someone else who you both know who could play cupid for you. There are not guarantees of long life and perfect health so someone needs to wake this guy up for crying out loud. You're still young. Why waste another moment?
Author lakeshore678 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 OK...so whats the problem? As you said that he wants to marry you and you also want to....then what are you waiting for? He wants to wait until we are 59 1/2 so I will be officially retired. I don't want to wait 4 1/2 years. Yes, I feel like life is too short to wait for this. I know we're not exactly senior citizens, but yeah. You figure you have 25 to 30 years tops left at our age and why would you waste even 4 of them? I get, now, that he's scared, but I think of it like standing at the edge of a cold pool on a hot summer day. You get that feeling like, "I don't want the shock of jumping in, but it would be so refreshing if I did". It doesn't get any easier the longer you stand there. Deep down, I know, the day after we got married, he'd be like, "What the hell were we waiting for? This is great." I hate to push, yet on some level I hate not to push. That's the conundrum for me.
Author lakeshore678 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 Geez, maybe the cupid thing WOULD work. I have a close friend who keeps sayng, "what the hell is wrong with you two". I'll ask her at work if she feels passionate enough to say it to him.
Recommended Posts