dollface07 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 hi everyone my current bf agreed that in order to establish trust we would not have a sexual relationship for about 80 days...this will give me time to believe he's actually interested in me as a person. Okay so I spent the night at his house and it's true he is respecting our agreement no pressure just innocent cuddling and kissing. I find it hard to trust seriously which is why this agreement was set up to begin with...now i am not looking for a reason to sabotage this i promise he's great in every way possible seriously he's respectful and just overall really lovely. what kind of man is this? i thought if something is too good to be true it probably is...how can he really be this good? im so scared right now b/c im confused by his perfect behavior...i dont have self-esteem issues where i am unable to perceive that a guy would like me this much really BUT is it possible he could be just trying to give me a false sense of security so that after i gain trust in him he can begin having a sexual relationship with me without considering any real commitment beyond committed exclusive relationship? i am afraid to trust him and then get hurt after i drop my guard :'( he's such a relaxed person if our relationship dissolves he wont be hurt as badly as i would i know you are all asking like committed exclusive relationship isnt that enough what more do i want? well actually not necessarily married or anything just some sort of deeper commitment other than committed exclusive relationship more like "serious" committed exclusive relationship or something...im seriously freaking out please any advice thank you so much
yongyong Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Girls don't put out themselves to BF material guy. (Oh I will take slowly with this guy since he is my BF type. I don't mind banging this other guy tonight though. He is not a serious type) Maybe he is screwing other girl? Maybe he is sexually introverted? Maybe he wants to take it slow like you? (it's common to see a couple who didn't have sex yet in my country)
ja123 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 How old are the two of you? Are you both virgins? It sounds to me that he's a great guy and that there is something else to your fears? Have you looked up fear of abandonment issues? That might be a good place to start if you google it. And self-esteem or lack of trust in yourself to handle whatever life throws at you (i.e., dealing with the pain if you were to break up) might also be at play. 1
Author dollface07 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 im 28 and he will be 29 in May we are just both phd nerds ...
yongyong Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I can't edit my post. I was trying to say guys are the same. I ask my friend 'hey did you sleep with that chick?' he says 'no she is very good girl, I am trying to not mess it up' Of course, if we go out, he doesn't mind looking for a one night stand.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Sorry but you sound a tad paranoid/neurotic. You seem to be looking for negatives and nefarious agendas instead of just accepting that life always involves risk and there's no guaranty that when you leave the house a duck flying overhead might have a heart attack and fall out of the sky on your head killing you. Give the guy his due and learn to extend the benefit of the doubt. This is serious business believe it or not. Someone who tends to project worst case scenarios may fail to reward the trust that has been hard earned by a partner and that feels like a betrayal--I've been in that position and it gets tiring and disheartening to not get the trust I worked tirelessly to earn. It had to end and it took a lot out of me--everything. 5
NateC Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 hi everyone my current bf agreed that in order to establish trust we would not have a sexual relationship for about 80 days...this will give me time to believe he's actually interested in me as a person. Okay so I spent the night at his house and it's true he is respecting our agreement no pressure just innocent cuddling and kissing. I find it hard to trust seriously which is why this agreement was set up to begin with...now i am not looking for a reason to sabotage this i promise he's great in every way possible seriously he's respectful and just overall really lovely. what kind of man is this? i thought if something is too good to be true it probably is...how can he really be this good? im so scared right now b/c im confused by his perfect behavior...i dont have self-esteem issues where i am unable to perceive that a guy would like me this much really BUT is it possible he could be just trying to give me a false sense of security so that after i gain trust in him he can begin having a sexual relationship with me without considering any real commitment beyond committed exclusive relationship? i am afraid to trust him and then get hurt after i drop my guard :'( he's such a relaxed person if our relationship dissolves he wont be hurt as badly as i would i know you are all asking like committed exclusive relationship isnt that enough what more do i want? well actually not necessarily married or anything just some sort of deeper commitment other than committed exclusive relationship more like "serious" committed exclusive relationship or something...im seriously freaking out please any advice thank you so much He sounds committed to me. Not all guys have sex on their minds all the time...sometimes they *actually* want to just cuddle and enjoy your company rather than jump right into it. Embrace the fact that you may have found that rare guy. 1
Author dollface07 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 thanks feelingfrisky you're such a darling for giving me your time to reply i do appreciate it yes im a scorpio paranoid/neurotic is my inherent nature lool jk actually i don't want to hurt the person who's working to earn my trust it's not he should not pay for the mistakes of his predecessor nor should you have. i bet your ex most likely put you in that position due to her own unsorted out issues and that was not fair to you and i am so sorry you had to be subjected to that...thanks i'll try my hardest to bear this in mind with my interaction with my current guy as well as minimize the neurosis warmest, DF
Author dollface07 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 Thank you NateC for give me your time and providing your input I am grateful. have a lovely evening, DF
SJC2008 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 You got what you wanted but something still has to be wrong, chome one now. Be happy you met a man who is willing to wait, get to know him and let things progress at their natural course. There is nothing wrong with not Wanting to get hurt but stop being afraid of getting hurt, it will ruin everything for you!
wwwjd Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 what kind of man is this? i thought if something is too good to be true it probably is...how can he really be this good? Oh. My. God. Is this REALLY what women think?? Are guys out there SO MUCH CRAP these days that there is just no hope and now even finding a good one is a red flag? YES, there are decent guys out there. YES, it takes TIME and maturity to grow a real relationship so your waiting is a great idea. Any two idiots can have sex instantly. YES, good things still happen to people. 3
CarrieT Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I dated a man like this except he wanted to wait 90 days; the time it would take between two negative HIV tests. I found it somewhat admirable because I was only accustomed to men who wanted to have sex immediately, but ultimately didn't work out between us for other reasons. I'm not sure it is necessarily a bad thing.
FitChick Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I'm wondering why he is waiting 80 days. Is it a magic number?
ThatDudeXO Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 It's about finding the right person. Not finding a person who is wiling to wait months to have sex with you. What if after 80 days, you finally have sex and he finds you aren't sexually compatible and relationship seems boring? In my opinion this isn't the right way to go about it. Life is about risks, when you take those risks sometimes you will be rewarded with something special. You should let something happen naturally, like for example you find yourselves so emotionally/romantically charged that you can't wait to rip your clothes off and go at it. If you haven't had that urge in 90 days then I think you're with the wrong person and you're paranoia is driving you in this search to find a 'template of a perfect boyfriend' instead of finding who is the right match for you physicially, emotionally and sexually.
Author dollface07 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 @ FitChick well it's 80 days b/c that's when he finally presents his proposal publicly to his doctoral committee and the whole reason why I don't trust him yet is due to his academic commitments he is concerned that if his main academic mentor discovers before he presents that he is in a serious committed relationship this will somehow reflect that he is being distracted at this stage in his doctoral program. Since we've only been together for 2 months I told him sufficient trust hasn't even been established yet for me to agree to remain a secret to the academic community until June when he presents...so I tried to break up with him about 4 times in these past two months but each time he pursued me and promised me he "didn't like being a secret" either and after things got really heated he agreed to wait out having any sort of physical relationship until AFTER we go public to the academic community in June. So it's a risk but as ThatDudeXO said if we take them sometimes we'll be rewarded with something special. the 80 days is just the general time it will take until he presents his doctoral proposal and can relax a little bit in front of his academic mentor about the idea that he has a life outside of the lab/experiments (biomedical engineer) i've already voiced my concerns to him about him being so busy and although I am a doctoral student too; I am at a different stage therefore I have more time on my hands to think about our relationship than he does...that has the potential to provide lop-sided bonding...this is also why I believe he's respecting this decision to hold off on the physical things, but I am not a mind reader so I cant really know his true intentions other than he agrees we should stick to our promise also in part b/c it's mostly his fault he feels for the lack of trust due to his preference to remain a secret in july.
Author dollface07 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) @ Mill 3 "a guy who waits is going to have some jerk barge in front of him. it happened to me." No way dear! I'd never, and he knows so too b/c when we spend the night together it's REALLY hard to not go much further than kissing and cuddling believe me we are SO hot for each other he has like a permanent erection all evening and morning haha...but really I am so sorry that happened to you b/c you are that rare decent guy that NateC was talking about much earlier! Any woman would be so lucky to have such a lovely guy like you to be patient until she felt you wouldn't betray her in someway...don't let that prior experience jade you just have hope a girl that really deserves all the faithfulness and trust that you have to offer will come into your life if you just honor your values...choose carefully and have patience so she can realize over time that your too good to ever let go! warmest, DF Edited April 23, 2012 by dollface07
Author dollface07 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 ThatDudeXO "If you haven't had that urge in 90 days then I think you're with the wrong person" I agree with you and yes we have the urge big time I got so weak twice when I spent the night over at his house but he was the one being strong for us both which is what further drove my paranoia about him being "too good" lol like why is he being so respectful to my wishes...what is attempting to protect me from...etc "you're paranoia is driving you in this search to find a 'template of a perfect boyfriend' instead of finding who is the right match for you physicially, emotionally and sexually." " It is something I struggle with ever since I joined loveshack i've had interpersonal crisis and painful coping issues that I had to sort out...now that I am pretty much stable and healthy I was afraid to trust in my own ability to trust myself to choose the right one this time (considering I was so bad in discerning the good ones all the times before) I don't mind making a mistake in this relationship and it dissolving one day but I just really don't want to repeat ANY of the previous ones which is where my paranoia is stemming from. these days of not having any sex are helping me explore the emotional aspects which is why i am SO very grateful for everyone taking the time to give their input b/c physically and sexually we're good it's just that I experienced a lot of traumatic loss (@ age 20 lost 3 strong male figures in my life...@age 23 another one @ age 26 another one plus close girlfriends that were like sisters) ...the common denominator after all of the initial 3 traumatic losses was myself because I didnt know I was supposed to work through these things or even how too...which caused the ones at age 23 and 26 to be unnecessarily emotionally overwhelming and painful now i've done ALL the recovery work on myself DBT prolonged exposure therapy and i am more normal than i've ever been before no more panic anxiety or addictions...my life is on track and im healthy enough to attract a really respectful, patient, clever handsome nerdy guy he doesn't know all of my demons i dealt with but that's why I have this lovely loveshack b/c you all really do understand and I love this forum and the people that give their valuable life experiences, expertise and opinions so that people like me who can at times be a little bit more emotionally vulnerable than others who did not experience such a disproportionate burden of traumatic losses at such an early age can have a CHANCE at not self-sabotaging a good thing when it's actually (miraculously)in our hand. Thanks again for your comments & suggestions, DF
wwwjd Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I've HEARD it is actually possible to GROW and LEARN sexually with each other in a relationship, instead of being sexually "Matched up" or "compatible" right out of the gate. But that might take time, effort, commitment, and real love to decide to do that. Yeah, probably just a pipe dream and doesn't really happen in reality to anybody else except me. But, I guess it is fun to dream.
Author dollface07 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) I've HEARD it is actually possible to GROW and LEARN sexually with each other in a relationship, instead of being sexually "Matched up" or "compatible" right out of the gate. But that might take time, effort, commitment, and real love to decide to do that. Yeah, probably just a pipe dream and doesn't really happen in reality to anybody else except me. But, I guess it is fun to dream. I totally agree with you...i expect initial sex to be clumsy and shy it gets better with time as you understand what each other likes with open communication...it helps if you are both relatively on the same sex experience level though otherwise it can be really intimidating and cause the already difficult sex communication that needs to take place gradually OVER TIME all the more challenging...when he asks if I want something to be done to me LOL i cant really speak up just yet but he validates me and says he likes that i am a bit shy/sensitive (even though i feel sometimes ashamed of myself for being my age and behaving this way) as long as a man/woman is able to make her partner feel that they are in a safe environment to grow and learn as you said WWWJD I believe it's not a pipe dream it's just hard to find such patient and considerate human beings at times...thank you for your replies. Edited April 23, 2012 by dollface07 1
Emilia Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 due to his academic commitments he is concerned that if his main academic mentor discovers before he presents that he is in a serious committed relationship this will somehow reflect that he is being distracted at this stage in his doctoral program. Since we've only been together for 2 months I told him sufficient trust hasn't even been established yet for me to agree to remain a secret to the academic community until June when he presents...so I tried to break up with him about 4 times in these past two months but each time he pursued me and promised me he "didn't like being a secret" either and after things got really heated he agreed to wait out having any sort of physical relationship until AFTER we go public to the academic community in June. So it's a risk but as ThatDudeXO said if we take them sometimes we'll be rewarded with something special. No wonder you don't trust him. This doesn't make any sense at all. If I'm reading this right, he would have been happy to have sex with you but not call you his girlfriend in public. Is that it? That's just... weird as an excuse not to commit. Besides, why would any of this be anyone's business? I know the academic community are not very worldly but even they get laid and/or date, don't they? 4
Professor X Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 No wonder you don't trust him. This doesn't make any sense at all. If I'm reading this right, he would have been happy to have sex with you but not call you his girlfriend in public. Is that it? That's just... weird as an excuse not to commit. Besides, why would any of this be anyone's business? I know the academic community are not very worldly but even they get laid and/or date, don't they? That is such a pathetic excuse TBH. Like what, academic people don't have sex?? lol. If I knew this before... 1
Author dollface07 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) Thank you so much ProfX for relating to me...Yes exactly in a prior thread I said "it may not end well but at least I am learning about trade-offs and interpersonal effectiveness in the process...also i'll maintain my own self-respect by keeping it more of a platonic love so waiting and seeing if his temporary issue resolves wont be so traumatic for me in this case if he doesn't actually resolve it in a couple of weeks...TBD" The reality is that his mentor is some hella big wig in his field and considers my guy his golden MIT nugget of publications....so while I totally agree with you it's not his business the mentor has a different opinion from all of us Also, I am hopeful my guy wants this to be temporary really but I see how his mentor is calling him 24/7 I watch as he is calling him to meet in the lab on Saturday morning while we're still in bed and then he makes him have a weekly adviser meeting every single Sunday morning so he never really sleeps in (Saturdays are his only real chance) believe me his doctoral mentor really is UP his ass BUT i am not putting blinders on I promise that's why im just sitting back and observing my guy's actions beyond his words of not wanting to be secret or promising this is only temporary until after he presents...so far his actions are consistent with interest here are some examples: 1. if i tell him to change something he does opening car doors all the time now 2. if i tell him i want gifts he does it brings me chocolates and balloons that say i love you 3. if i tried to break up with him he finds time to sit down and discuss for hours if need be my insecurities and how we can work through them together 4. he tries to learn about my past relationship experiences to better relate to me 5. he maintains constant communication if im busy for two weeks he'll be sure to call me at least every other day to talk 30-45 mins 6. if i text him he'll respond within 8-10 mins 7. if i call him he will always pick up the phone 8. he is consistent in telling me his feelings for me when i feel insecure and giving me encouragement if i feel academically stressed out 9. he holds me all night every time i spend the night as if for dear life lol 10. he lets me decide where we will go on a date and always pays but i am not blind to some deficits as well 1. he can be emotionally unavailable if he gets a work-related phone call (i put my ear to his phone and hear who is talking to confirm) 2. i counted his condom stash and they are not depleting (deficit of trust) what woman would do this!?! 3. he'll answer a phone call at dinner ... 4. he has to rush off on sunday mornings if i stay over so we can never have brunch together other than on saturdays 5. his adviser wakes us both up on saturday mornings 6. he appears to want to travel with me but each time we cant due to his work 7. when we eat dinner i sometimes feel like a "shutup and look beautiful" type of girl for him b/c our conversations are superficial unless we are in the privacy of the house 8. he went to a party without me 9. he visits his friends homes for meals without me 10. he will travel for summer holiday abroad without me Edited April 23, 2012 by dollface07
musemaj11 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 This guy is such a loser for accepting this arrangement. I mean how would you feel if a man told you, "Im not going to spend any penny on you for 80 days because I want to make sure you are not a gold digger."?
jphcbpa Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 good for you on this boundary. enjoy the process, dont read too much into it.
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