tipsyleprachauns Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 I'm in church right now. She's here again. At the start I panicked but didn't show it. Then I grew a pair. I walked up to her and said hi to be greete with a big smile and hug. I've asked her if she wants to go have a drink and a catch up after the service. She said yes, that'd be nice. I expect nothing of it but I guess I'm trying to take steps to show I'm not the pathetic needy mess she broke up with. Hearts going. I just asked my ex for a drink. In an hour or So. Emergency tips please...
Steelrain322 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Don't talk about your past relationship! Unless she brings it up. Be confident.
Kamila Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Why are you going to have a drink with your ex ? Are you secretly hoping for a reconciliation ? If I were you, and I knew deep down that she's going to break my heart twice, I would run and make sure I don't see her again for a long time. 1
Author tipsyleprachauns Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 Well, it was lovely. I was confident, and smiley. Easy to talk. Fun. Both laughing lots. She was acting a little awkward at times, mentioning things about the past briefly and us, but I managed to steer conversation away. She kept dropping comments about things being cool now and being frineds and that making her happy - definitely trying to friend zone me. That won't be happening. I asked a lot about her and her life, showed interest, listened. Was confident and happy. She wouldn't have know what a mess I am. I walked her home after an hour or so of catching up and we mucked about a bit, skipping around and laughing and being slightly crazy and lively like we both are. She mentioned how she'd 'won, as she wanted to be friends' I ignored it and brushed it off. She also joked about how she'd felt a bit awkward in church last week and was glad I'd asked her for a drink, said it was nice to catch up. All in all, my conclusion is she wants friends. nothing more. I don't. Back to no contact. She mentioned quite a bit about growing up and not wanting to settle down, solidifying my theory about her being a little bit emotionally immature and freaked out by growing up. I left it with a text, when I got home, saying - 'Was good to catch up, G. Be cool about graduating as a doctor, you'll be great. And if you struggle with the issues with your dad (we chatted about some stuff) just pray over it and find strength in your faith. Take care of yourself.' That's that. Time to keep on as before - waking up every day being crazy in love with a girl who I click with so much but she doesn't see it and trying to forget she exists.
Author tipsyleprachauns Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 Drafted a letter today to set out my thoughts before disappearing again in case she tries to be friends, but I'm guessing I shouldn't send it and should try forget this ever happened.
Frank13 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) Drafted a letter today to set out my thoughts before disappearing again in case she tries to be friends, but I'm guessing I shouldn't send it and should try forget this ever happened. I agree, you shouldn't send it and should forget. However, to make it easier, keep the letter with the thought that you could always send it in the future if she keeps trying to be your friend. I must say, I am impressed with you breaking contact, catching up, but then knowing you have to go back to NC. It is possible you might not hear from her again or she will contact you but fade away pretty quickly. The reason I say that is because of her saying "I won". You not allowing her to have you as a friend was a bruise to her ego and also made for somewhat of a challenge. Now she feels she has accomplished that, she got her ego stroke and can go on with her life. It is kind of the same principle I have seen here over and over. Person A pines for person B and wants them back. Person B then comes back but now person A doesn't want them. So person B leaves but person A realizes they made a mistake so wants person B back. Now person B doesn't want to come back. In the above scenario, it's all about ego. Once the person gets their ego stroked, they are okay and don't want the relationship. Then when the other person leaves, the ego is bruised and the pining starts again. I am really beginning to think ego is tied in very closely with love, or at least makes us think we are in love when we really aren't. Edited April 23, 2012 by Frank13
Author tipsyleprachauns Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 I must say, I am impressed with you breaking contact, catching up, but then knowing you have to go back to NC. No desire for the self flagellation of the first couple months of break up to be repeated. Ball is in her court now. She knows how I feel, I'm sure. Walk away. I know what you mean about the ego thing. It's sad, that love is more often than not just a game and a power struggle.
wilsonx Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 No desire for the self flagellation of the first couple months of break up to be repeated. Ball is in her court now. She knows how I feel, I'm sure. Walk away. I know what you mean about the ego thing. It's sad, that love is more often than not just a game and a power struggle. If this is how you feel, then you don't understand what love is yet. Your post proves it. There was nothing wrong with anything you did, but you were playing a game knowing you were playing a game. That makes you a player. Hiding and pretending who you are and how you truly feel only does an injustice to yourself. If you cant be yourself around her, then dont hang around her.
Author tipsyleprachauns Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 I should rephrase. I have told her briefly how I feel. I was myself, not pretending to be anyone I was not. The only thing I hid from her was how much I'm still hurting. Other than that I was about as honest, upfront, and genuine as I could conceivably be. I just find it a shame, like the previous poster commented about ego struggles, that so often love seems to end up like that. I don't know if that's what's gone on here. Was more of a passing thought.
geegirl Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) This is what happens when you go in trying to prove a point even when you don't believe it within yourself to be true. You wanted to display a new effervescence about yourself hoping it will strike her fancy. That sort of behavior has no lasting presence because it's fake, and soon enough you were back to drafting letters wanting to disappear (would have shown her you're still emotional and stuck) when you supposedly wanted to convey a sense of indifference towards her. You approached her in a friendly manner and then as soon as you didn't get the answers you wanted, you're drafting letters about why you can't be friends. If you can't be friends, then don't. Stay away. There is not need to pretend, try, or force. Game playing. Your heart is not to be played with, especially by you. This is the time you take control and put yourself first without adding the burden of trying to prove to this woman that you are something you are not, whatever the motive. Edited April 23, 2012 by geegirl
Author tipsyleprachauns Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) I had a drink with her to clear the air as my faith is important to me and I don't wish to sit in a church for the next few weeks whilst she's there pretending she doesn't exist. Try not to think about a pink elephant? Sure - a part of me hoped she would see a difference. I'm not about to blurt out 'I've changeeddddd'. I know there's change. Every single one of my friends has commented on how much I've changed since last year. I'm more relaxed, lively, friendly, considerate, healthy and generally all round a better person. I volunteer lots. I go to church lots. I have an insane amount of good new friends who care about me and I care about them. Saturday was the first time in a very long time I've actually not been doing something and had time by myself to just chill. I'm busy, and I enjoy it. Whether she noticed or not, who knows. I don;t. Neither do I expect to find out. We left on a smile, it was nice. I want to convey no indifference to her because there is none. I still care about her a lot and she probably knows it to. But I see no reason to cry to her about how I'm still torn up. I was friendly, relaxed, a gentleman. I talked about what she's been up to. What I've been up to. Her family and her work. We chatted about God, church, and all sorts. I walked her home, hugged her goodbye, and left to get on with my life. I would have done exactly the same having drinks with any of my friends. I drafted a letter today to get feelings off my chest- I feel that helps. I didn't send it. I haven't contacted her since last night. I don't intend to. I knew I had to go straight back to no contact and I knew that would be the case before I asked her for a drink last night. And other than that, today was just like any other day. Getting by and focussing on things I can do to make my life better and me a better person. At least now, next week, I'll be able to sit in church and not feel I have to actively avoid her. I'll be able to sit there concentrating on what I believe in, rather than what my heart thinks about. I consider it a minor and mature success on my part. I'm not sure what's fake about that? Edited April 23, 2012 by tipsyleprachauns
geegirl Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) Faith has nothing to do with this. If faith was of the utmost importance, then your duty would have been solely to focus your attention on God and not be distracted by the pink elephant. One has nothing to do with the other. Don't use it as an excuse. I'm sure God understands the logic of NC and matters of the heart. It's great that you have made changes in your life. Make those changes in your life for your benefit. But faking indifference when you are clearly hurting inside is counter productive towards taking all these steps to rebuild yourself from the break up. Indifference is not a bad thing. It's the ability to be around someone without being stung emotionally. Having the ability to care without being affected, that is if you still have care or want to care platonically. You are not emotional about your friends. You're not posting about your feelings for your friends on LS. There is a difference betwene having drinks with friends versus someone you are still in love with. Don't confuse how you would treat a friend versus an ex, that you clearly still have feelings for. If that's how you felt, why even draft a letter about not being able to be friends? What's fake is you hurting inside but choosing to pretend you're okay because you wanted one last chance to see if she would come your way. You faked your way through smiles when you were dying inside the moment you heard her say there was no chance. Maybe you needed one last nail in the coffin to move on, and that is why you did that. Let's leave it at that. Success would have been to say hello at church, smile and walk away. Not invite her for a drink. Edited April 23, 2012 by geegirl
Author tipsyleprachauns Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 I didn't fake in difference. I didn't ask any questions about the relationship. I'll take criticism happily, but you don't know how I behaved whilst I was there and you're choosing to ignore me telling you or assume I'm lying to you. That's fine. But my faith. Thats a line. Do not cross it. Try sitting in a room with someone you're crazy in love with when faith was a key player in the break up and focus on anything else. Go on. I respect your input and opinion, I am taking it on board. But don't you dare insult me by belittling what level of faith I have.
geegirl Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) I didn't fake in difference. I didn't ask any questions about the relationship. I'll take criticism happily, but you don't know how I behaved whilst I was there and you're choosing to ignore me telling you or assume I'm lying to you. That's fine. But my faith. Thats a line. Do not cross it. Try sitting in a room with someone you're crazy in love with when faith was a key player in the break up and focus on anything else. Go on. I respect your input and opinion, I am taking it on board. But don't you dare insult me by belittling what level of faith I have. Indifference is when you don't have to make it a rule to not talk about the relationship because that is not on your mind or what you want. Indifference is when you're able to speak to the person without a hidden agenda. I'm not saying you are lying. All I am saying is that while you behaved a certain way on the outside, it was not how you were feeling on the inside because you clearly stated you hid from her how much you were hurting inside. "The only thing I hid from her was how much I'm still hurting." No one is insulting you and you don't need to go on the defense. And I didn't insult your level of faith but moreso your logic in attaching your faith to having contact. I have been to church with an ex and his new girlfriend sitting on the other side. It is hard sitting there knowing that he's right there. But you are the one that stated that your need to ask her out for her drink was to clear the air so that you could continue practising your faith peacefully hoping that after the drink, the pink elephant would be gone. The pink elephant will always be there, drink or not because you have feelings for her. The pink elephant, is your feelings. I think she expressed to you that she would be going to the church, in a sense a gentle warning. So why would you worry about how she would feel about you pretending she doesn't exist. If you felt bad about that, then you could have just smiled and walked away to acknowledge her existence. I'm not going to go back and forth with you. My intent is not to make you feel bad but to make you see that we all do things that are counter productive in our healing, and most times we're in denial believing it wasn't so bad. I have been there and so are you. Good luck to you. Edited April 23, 2012 by geegirl
Chi townD Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Ummm....she "won" because now you're friends? REALLY?!?!?! Did you know this was a competition? That would have set me off like a bottle rocket! NC should be easy for you now considering she feels it's so easy to manipulate you into a position where she thinks she can "win" you over and get what she wants. grrr....
esteem-jam Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 a part of me hoped she would see a difference Then you walk her home and give hug?!? Honestly? Didnt you want more... before and now? Cause the difference, you know. People here just dont want that you get burned again.
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