Breaking up with a good person

[jobaba]

Breaking up with a good person is ... oh so different.

 

You don't think ANY ill will of them. You just think of all the good times you had together, and feel sad about the things you wanted to show them that you may never get to. You think ... if only things were a little bit different and you were fundamentally closer, things might have worked out. You feel sad that you won't be able to help them through the hard times ahead when you know they'll need it.

 

Breaking contact is the last thing you want to do because you know there's very few people in this world like that person and the core of the relationship was genuine friendship.

 

Anyway, Jobaba is single again and soon I'll have to start putting into action all the BS and propoganda that I preach on this site about approaching women.

 

But for now ... a period of mourning.

 

What a good woman she was.

[firehawk_1]

so why break it up?

[verhrzn]

Agreed with firehawk... if there are so few people like her in the world, and she's a good person and there's nothing fundamentally wrong with your relationship, why in the world lose her?? Especially when the dating world is filled with people who are so fundamentally flawed?

 

This is why romantic love is a freaking useless idea... it makes people toss out perfectly good relationships that could be worked on, all for the sake of "love."

 

Yet isn't love, lasting love, fundamentally about respect and support? If the other person is a genuine good person, you have the same values, and respectfully support and enjoy the each other, and there is some base level physical attraction... isn't that a better bedrock to build a relationship on than the chemistry and hormones we call "romance" that come and flow with EVERY relationship?

 

I dunno, something very similar to this just happened to me and it left me utterly baffled.

[firehawk_1]

exactly. at the end of the day, FAR TOO MANY game players, cheaters, haters etc.... and sooo sooo difficult to find someone decent, literally. they are NOT common. so why "chuck them in the skip"?

 

not good. I wouldnt do so. but then, no one really ever wants me... im too hidious.

 

but yeh, you should build up upon it. value it. make it happen. if it was a case of someone had to physically move to a different place which is in another state then I would still make the effort to do whatever to see them but then i must be an idiot and a hopeless romantic. others wouldnt bother but I know I would

[jobaba]

Agreed with firehawk... if there are so few people like her in the world, and she's a good person and there's nothing fundamentally wrong with your relationship, why in the world lose her?? Especially when the dating world is filled with people who are so fundamentally flawed?

 

This is why romantic love is a freaking useless idea... it makes people toss out perfectly good relationships that could be worked on, all for the sake of "love."

 

Yet isn't love, lasting love, fundamentally about respect and support? If the other person is a genuine good person, you have the same values, and respectfully support and enjoy the each other, and there is some base level physical attraction... isn't that a better bedrock to build a relationship on than the chemistry and hormones we call "romance" that come and flow with EVERY relationship?

 

I dunno, something very similar to this just happened to me and it left me utterly baffled.

 

exactly. at the end of the day, FAR TOO MANY game players, cheaters, haters etc.... and sooo sooo difficult to find someone decent, literally. they are NOT common. so why "chuck them in the skip"?

 

not good. I wouldnt do so. but then, no one really ever wants me... im too hidious.

 

but yeh, you should build up upon it. value it. make it happen. if it was a case of someone had to physically move to a different place which is in another state then I would still make the effort to do whatever to see them but then i must be an idiot and a hopeless romantic. others wouldnt bother but I know I would

 

Without getting too into details, we're fundamentally apart on religion. She was able to break away from that lifestyle because she liked me, but life's tragedies has a way of bringing your faith back into your life.

 

There were also compatibility issues which I overlooked because I've been with more compatible women before who didn't have half the character that she had.

[firehawk_1]

therefore a legitimate reason.

would you not be willing to make the effort to be more in the religion area?

compatability doesnt mean everything must be 100%, you cant have 100% but you can work around those....

[verhrzn]

Oh well a difference in religion I get. You DO need compatible belief systems/values to function as a long term couple. That's one of those "sad but dealbreaker" kind of things.

 

The other issues about "compatibility".... eh, I think that's a tricky word. I think mutual respect, support, having fun together, and having a solid sexual foundation are the most important components of compatibility, and everything else is just window dressing. It's hard enough to find those basics; the rest is just as "nice to have."

[firehawk_1]

Oh well a difference in religion I get. You DO need compatible belief systems/values to function as a long term couple. That's one of those "sad but dealbreaker" kind of things.

 

The other issues about "compatibility".... eh, I think that's a tricky word. I think mutual respect, support, having fun together, and having a solid sexual foundation are the most important components of compatibility, and everything else is just window dressing. It's hard enough to find those basics; the rest is just as "nice to have."

 

 

EXACTLY. well said. this is how it should be....

[jobaba]

The other issues about "compatibility".... eh, I think that's a tricky word. I think mutual respect, support, having fun together, and having a solid sexual foundation are the most important components of compatibility, and everything else is just window dressing. It's hard enough to find those basics; the rest is just as "nice to have."

 

Yes. I agree.

 

Though having more in common would have been better, I was definitely willing to overlook that.

[Els]

With all due respect, jobaba, I think you may be making a mistake. Religion appears to be the main issue here, judging from your later post, and you're preemptively breaking up with her just in case future 'life's tragedies has a way of bringing your faith back into your life'? But it has not even happened yet? May not ever happen? She might change fundamentally in terms of religious viewpoint, and you may. Why break up for the possibilities of what 'may' happen in the future?

 

Think very carefully. You posted for months, years even, about how hard it is to find a woman like that. Now that you have one, the onus is on you both to cherish and keep it, within reasonable limits.

 

Of course, you are the final arbiter of what a 'reasonable limit' is, but IMO this issue sounds like something to work on, not to discard a relationship based on. Especially not one this special.

[FitChick]

Plenty of people are happily married despite religious differences if they agree not to try to convert the other person and if they don't care which religion their children follow.

[jobaba]

With all due respect, jobaba, I think you may be making a mistake. Religion appears to be the main issue here, judging from your later post, and you're preemptively breaking up with her just in case future 'life's tragedies has a way of bringing your faith back into your life'? But it has not even happened yet? May not ever happen? She might change fundamentally in terms of religious viewpoint, and you may. Why break up for the possibilities of what 'may' happen in the future?

 

Think very carefully. You posted for months, years even, about how hard it is to find a woman like that. Now that you have one, the onus is on you both to cherish and keep it, within reasonable limits.

 

Of course, you are the final arbiter of what a 'reasonable limit' is, but IMO this issue sounds like something to work on, not to discard a relationship based on. Especially not one this special.

 

Actually, she started it.

 

And the tragedy has already happened. Again, being vague, sometimes a person with ingrained religious beliefs will stray from that lifestyle when they start dating someone they like, but if that is what they believe, they won't abandon it.

 

We're still in contact and reconciliation is possible but I'm not sure I see long term. And it would just be dragging it out.

 

I know there's other good women out there who are closer to what I am fundamentally. I'm just being a negative nancy when I say stuff like there's no good women out there.

[jobaba]

Plenty of people are happily married despite religious differences if they agree not to try to convert the other person and if they don't care which religion their children follow.

 

Among those who are more flexible, yes. But she is quite devout and devoted. Looking back, it's pretty shocking that I got her to do some of the things that I did.

 

I don't think most devout Christians marry outside of their religion.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I totally feel you on this jobaba. Religion has become a bigger part of my life as I've gotten older. I use to not think it mattered what religion my partner was. BUT, I think if my partner had the same belief systems as me, it has the capibility of giving us common ground, as well as helping both of support each other to grow more in our faith.Although, while I am a Christian, I think I could be with someone Jewish and we could still respect our religions. But Judism and Christianity have some common ground as it is as far as certain belief systems. And naturally, they have their differences as well. I'm not certain I could be with someone romantically that believed in Hindusim though. That seems like a wider breach to overcome. And I am not sure I would fare well with someone that had no belief in God what-so-ever.

[Els]

Well, my belief in this case is similar to FitChick's - tolerance of each other's religion is entirely possible and has been done many times before. But given that you cannot give us specifics, we can't really help you with that, and the point is moot.

 

I will say this, though, that IME non-superficial people, both men and women, are not common or the majority. This doesn't mean that it's impossible to find one, but it does mean that they are (and should be) more highly valued by people like you and I, who place more emphasis on non-superficiality than the norm.

 

But essentially, it is your decision. If you decide to go ahead with it (and really, with no further information, I can't say that I disagree with your decision), I can only wish you all the best, and offer support for healing.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Elswyth, do you consider it intolerant if someone has more specific requirements for reglion and their compability with someone else? Such as someone that is specifically looking for someone of their own religion vs someone that doesn't and ends up being with someone of a different religion.

 

I personally don't think it's an isue of tolerance or intolerance or even morals. It's just how you want to live your life style.

[jobaba]

And I am not sure I would fare well with someone that had no belief in God what-so-ever.

 

Yea. That's me. I'm a total pagan.

 

And it would seem to me even worse to try and present the farce of converting to Christianity to stay with her.

 

Well, my belief in this case is similar to FitChick's - tolerance of each other's religion is entirely possible and has been done many times before. But given that you cannot give us specifics, we can't really help you with that, and the point is moot.

 

I will say this, though, that IME non-superficial people, both men and women, are not common or the majority. This doesn't mean that it's impossible to find one, but it does mean that they are (and should be) more highly valued by people like you and I, who place more emphasis on non-superficiality than the norm.

 

But essentially, it is your decision. If you decide to go ahead with it (and really, with no further information, I can't say that I disagree with your decision), I can only wish you all the best, and offer support for healing.

 

Thanks. Sometimes I feel guilty about some of the anti-female stuff I post here. I always mean it to be in general and non-encompassing of the whole, but there's definitely some real good women out there.

[Els]

Elswyth, do you consider it intolerant if someone has more specific requirements for reglion and their compability with someone else? Such as someone that is specifically looking for someone of their own religion vs someone that doesn't and ends up being with someone of a different religion.

 

I personally don't think it's an isue of tolerance or intolerance or even morals. It's just how you want to live your life style.

 

I do not think intolerance and incompatibility are one and the same, no.

[firehawk_1]

dont feel guilty. its the same when women post anti men stuff. unfortunately we get hurt and its how it is especially if you get screwed over ALL the time. to find the good ones is difficult these days because the amount of game playing and backstabbing etc.... but when you find that person, always keep them in one form or another - the good ones

[cherries1]

Breaking up with a good person is ... oh so different.

 

You don't think ANY ill will of them. You just think of all the good times you had together, and feel sad about the things you wanted to show them that you may never get to. You think ... if only things were a little bit different and you were fundamentally closer, things might have worked out. You feel sad that you won't be able to help them through the hard times ahead when you know they'll need it.

 

Breaking contact is the last thing you want to do because you know there's very few people in this world like that person and the core of the relationship was genuine friendship.

 

Anyway, Jobaba is single again and soon I'll have to start putting into action all the BS and propoganda that I preach on this site about approaching women.

 

But for now ... a period of mourning.

 

What a good woman she was.

 

I was exactly in the same situation as you. But when you don't truly love someone, for example (it's my case), it's painful to be with them no matter how good they are... Same for whatever reasons you had for breaking up.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Yea. That's me. I'm a total pagan.

 

And it would seem to me even worse to try and present the farce of converting to Christianity to stay with her.

 

And there is nothing wrong with that. I am sure she wouldn't even want you to pretend to be into something you aren't. I know I wouldn't want that.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I do not think intolerance and incompatibility are one and the same, no.

 

Thanks for answering Elswyth.

[Els]

Thanks. Sometimes I feel guilty about some of the anti-female stuff I post here. I always mean it to be in general and non-encompassing of the whole, but there's definitely some real good women out there.

 

Oh, there certainly are, both women and men. You just have to find them.

[Professor X]

Oh, there certainly are, both women and men. You just have to find them.

 

Points at Bushy Elswyth.