Is this the end?

[full.of.regret]

I feel lost, and have nowhere else to go.

 

I've been married less than two years, and it hasn't been easy. I can't help but feel that marriage should be happier than it is.

 

My husband (feels so weird calling him that, doesn't feel right some how) has an issue with lying. Nothing huge (ie infidelity - as far as I know) but he lies. A lot. About money and debts, about what time he's going to get home, about how much he drinks (I don't believe he drinks massively to excess, or has alcohol issues, but he isn't totally honest about how much he drinks). He lies about stupid stuff, like whether he bought something online or not. He has got to a point where he feels a bit despairing of himself, and says he doesn't know why he does it, but hasn't tried to do anything about it. He even lies about whether he's finished eating his food or not - he'll say he ate it all, but there's some in the bin.

 

He's very secretive with his phone, and will make calls or texts in the garden. If I ask who he texted, he'll say he was setting an alarm on his phone.

 

I guess this is my major issue.

 

There are also issues with his family and me - they#ve always been unpleasant - including on our wedding day - and I feel he hasn't stuck up for me as much as he could.

 

He works more hours than I do, but accuses me of doing nothing, even though I have a job and do all the cooking etc.

 

He has horrible manners, never sayign 'thank-you' etc. This annoys me imeasureably. When we go out, he's a loud mouth who is so desperate for attention that he talks over everyone else, and has no idea that people don't find him that funny or interesting. There is some autism in his family, and I wonder whether he's at all affected, as he doesn't often tap into people's response to him. Or he just doesn't care as he wants to monopolize the conversation.

 

In short, I am desperately unhappy. But as I said, there has been no major issue like infidelity that I know of. What do I do? We've been married for so little time, I feel I would be letting people down if we split. I also feel so weak and like I don't want to be alone, which is pathetic.

 

I am often on the verge of tears, and am crying for the second time today as I write this. Please help.

 

Thanks

[westrock]

Welcome to LoveShack.

 

The way he acts probably has nothing to do with you.

 

Has he acted like this for as long as you have known him?

 

Do you know if he acts like this with others?

 

He lies about stupid stuff, like whether he bought something online or not. He has got to a point where he feels a bit despairing of himself, and says he doesn't know why he does it, but hasn't tried to do anything about it. He even lies about whether he's finished eating his food or not - he'll say he ate it all, but there's some in the bin.

 

My first thought in reading this is that he was likley criticized when he was a child and whenever he tried to express his own choice or opinion it was likely met with criticism or punishment from one or both of his parents. If that's the situation, the parents were probably very controlling.

 

A child in that type of environment will likely grow up with a fear that he can't express his choice or opinion for fear of being criticized or punished. What is a minor issue in an adult context, such as whether he finished his food or not, turns into a major source of pain for him because it triggers his past emotional pain of times as a child when he didn't finish his food. As such, instead of saying he hasn't finished his food, he learned as a child to give "safe" answers so as not to upset his parents. Likely, when he was younger, his parents criticized or punished him for leaving food on the plate. He probably never grew up in an environment where his parents said thank you, and either he just doesn't do it, or he could even be afraid to express "thank you" as that could put him at risk of expressing his opinion and it being taken as criticism.

 

When we go out, he's a loud mouth who is so desperate for attention

He wants attention probably because he never got the right type of attention when he was younger.

 

There are also issues with his family and me - they#ve always been unpleasant - including on our wedding day - and I feel he hasn't stuck up for me as much as he could.

 

They probably didn't like the fact they were losing control over their son, and to them you are the cause of that. Do you know what it was like for him growing up? What kind of relationship does he have with his parents now?

 

If this has something to do with him growing up, he is not going to change his ways unless he receives therapy to deal with his past issues. Have you suggested to him to get marriage counselling or individual counselling?

Edited April 22, 2012 by westrock

[full.of.regret]

Hi Westrock,

 

Firstly, thank-you for your response.

 

The lying issue/controlling parents is a weird one. His parents seem to be very weak passive people, but are very passive-aggressive - they'll pretend they're being polite, when actually they are being insulting. They have accused me of being aggressive when I felt I was actually being quite honest and fair. They are not like that with their other sons' wives, but then they live close by to his parents, and seem to put up with their c.rap more than I will. I do not have any contact with his parents after his father wrote a letter insulting my family for no reason. Odd people, not very pleasant. I guess maybe controlling in a passive-agressive way.

 

I'm not sure how much he lies to other people on a daily basis, but am aware that he told his soccar team that he missed a match as my father had died. This is untrue, and very hurtful. He does not know I told this lie.

 

He has also lied about being in a relatively large amount of debt.

 

He is not so tight with his family now as he's upset over the way they behaved at our wedding, but he does talk to them. I feel that he hasn't fully expressed how he feels to them, or why he feels the way he does. I do feel that he had an upbringing that was a bit weird, his family are very into their church, which is pretty evangelical, but he's not part of that.

 

We tried marriage councelling, but it did not go well. The councillor suggested that his parents caused him some issues. We tended to argue more after sessions, and at the time, it was not helpful.

[westrock]

I guess maybe controlling in a passive-agressive way.

 

Yes, being passivie-agressive is a form of control.

 

It's unfortunate that the marraige counselling didn't work, but it's likely the two of you didn't stick it out long enough for it to start working. Also, marriage counselling is not enough, he needs individual counselling. His way of living is inconsistent with a supportive marriage so he needs to deal with his own issues first otherwise the marriage will become a source of criticism and trigger his past unresolved issues.

 

Check out the Dr. Dan Neuharth's website. He has some good information there:

If You Had Controlling Parents

[tojaz]

What was your courtship like F.O.R? before you were married were these traits still present?

 

What are you looking for when you notice these lies, why are you monitoring his plate, his phone calls etc. what do you suspect?

 

In the times you have felt he didn't stick up for you as you would have liked, what would you have preferred he do?

 

I think theres a lot going on here and a lot going on in his head.

 

TOJAZ

[full.of.regret]

Hi Westrock - thanks again, I will check out that info. In terms of the marriage councelling, I think we only went about five times.

 

Tojaz, some useful questions, I'll try my best to answer.

 

What was your courtship like F.O.R? before you were married were these traits still present?

 

I think that there were some little white lies, but they seemed unimportant, so I let them slide at first. I was really wearing rose tinted spectacles, really infatuated I think, and just overlooked a lot of things that seem like problems now.

What are you looking for when you notice these lies, why are you monitoring his plate, his phone calls etc. what do you suspect?

 

I don't really monitor his plate per se, I guess it's more that he acts so shifty when telling a lie. I think it's just that I don't care whether he eats all his food, but if he's thrown it away, I will see it in the bin. So why lie? It makes no sense.

 

With the phone calls etc, again, it's the way he's so shifty. I don't believe he's having an affair, he just makes it look so weird when he goes into the garden to use his phone.

 

I only really suspect the lie itself at the moment.

In the times you have felt he didn't stick up for you as you would have liked, what would you have preferred he do?

 

I guess it would have been nice if he had been firmer in saying their behavious was not acceptable. Not an easy position to be in, I admit, but he didn't really lay down any boundaries.

 

I really have no idea what's going on in his head. He used to be so easy-going, but now seemed weighed down with problems. I feel like he takes his work-related stresses out on me.

[tojaz]

 

I really have no idea what's going on in his head. He used to be so easy-going, but now seemed weighed down with problems. I feel like he takes his work-related stresses out on me.

 

Care to elaborate on that? New stresses?

[full.of.regret]

He's been doing his job in real estate for around a year. Before that, he was a barman, so it was quite a change.

 

The stress of a new job would have started to go away by now, I would have thought. While the job shouldn't be too mentally taxing, I think he has to put up with people constantly moaning at him etc - despite this, he claims to really enjoy the work.

 

An example of him getting angry at me was when he suggested he take a second job in a bar in oreder to invest in a property. I said I thought he'd find it hard to cope with two jobs, and he hung up.

 

I think he may be applying for loans etc, but I don't know why, as his outgoings should be minimal on a decent salary. I recently found out he has a large debt, but as far as I know, this should be covered by a small monthly payment. He didn't tell me, I found out as a bailiff went to his parents' house to get the money, and I heard about that.

 

He seems to feel he 'keeps' me. I work freelance, but also have income from casual work I do, that more than covers my expenses, so I don't know where he gets that idea, but he has thrown it in my face a few times.

[edgeof27]

He's not worth keeping.

[tojaz]

He's been doing his job in real estate for around a year. Before that, he was a barman, so it was quite a change.

 

The stress of a new job would have started to go away by now, I would have thought. While the job shouldn't be too mentally taxing, I think he has to put up with people constantly moaning at him etc - despite this, he claims to really enjoy the work.

 

An example of him getting angry at me was when he suggested he take a second job in a bar in oreder to invest in a property. I said I thought he'd find it hard to cope with two jobs, and he hung up.

 

I think he may be applying for loans etc, but I don't know why, as his outgoings should be minimal on a decent salary. I recently found out he has a large debt, but as far as I know, this should be covered by a small monthly payment. He didn't tell me, I found out as a bailiff went to his parents' house to get the money, and I heard about that.

 

He seems to feel he 'keeps' me. I work freelance, but also have income from casual work I do, that more than covers my expenses, so I don't know where he gets that idea, but he has thrown it in my face a few times.

 

My next question to you was going to be why you have come to LS, if you were searching for ways to make your marriage work or looking for support in ending it?

 

F.O.R, I'm not sure you realize this, but do you notice how you refer to things in your posts with a great deal of separation?? What i mean is, you are married yet you seem to talk in a sense of his and yours rather then ours.

 

Like Coop pointed out, what about joint expenses? Maybe thats what you were referring to, but just the phrasing sends a message. That may be something he picks up on in your interaction with him, if you seem guarded in that way, then that hurts the trust between you as he may be picking up on a lack of commitment. Couple that with growing up (and even still) with disapproving parents and I think I could understand where he would feel a need to hold some things back.

 

TOJAZ