louise_23 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 i was with this guy 6 yrs. hes 10yrs older. he cheated on me a few times, long boring story, told me he wanted to try again at christmas. i stayed with him and uncovered, once again, christmas gifts and a 'girlfriend' card written to some girl hed cheated on me with before, i told him that was it. since then, he has bought me gifts, booked hotels, booked concerts, and randomly shown up at my house uninvited (he lives an hr away). somewhere inside me i still care about him, i dont mind being friends if thats what he wants, but im done with the relationship side. ive told him this and he doesnt stop with the other stuff. every time i approach the subject he gets upset and sometimes cries. anyone got any advice? no contact is hard when he just shows up at my house.
firehawk_1 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 have a talk with him. its as simple as that. a talk and a firm talk too. you DONT want a relationship with him. you DONT want him coming randomly to your place. you have been hurt and betrayed many times. he has no one else right now and when he does, he will cheat and leave you then when he as no one, he will be back to you doing this again. firm talk with him please!
Author louise_23 Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 have a talk with him. its as simple as that. a talk and a firm talk too. you DONT want a relationship with him. you DONT want him coming randomly to your place. you have been hurt and betrayed many times. he has no one else right now and when he does, he will cheat and leave you then when he as no one, he will be back to you doing this again. firm talk with him please! thanks. i did just do this on the phone actually. its horrible though, because he just cries and says im doing the wrong thing, and all that 'i love you' stuff. it makes me feel like *such* a heartless bitch.
Gaye Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Please do not allow his emotional abuse sway you, that kind of disloyal and distorted "love" is not healthy. If you were as you say "a heartless bitch" his crocodile tears wouldn't upset you so much.
sid3 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 its horrible though, because he just cries and says im doing the wrong thing, and all that 'i love you' stuff. it makes me feel like *such* a heartless bitch. Seriously??? I doubt he was crying so loudly when he was cheating on you. Don't feel like a a b*tch, you are doing the right thing. 3
firehawk_1 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 disagree on the comment about emotional abuse. you MUST know what true and false emotional abuse is. dont get yourself messed up by playing games and using the emotional card as and when it suits you. but DO agree that if the person does this constantly or every time then yes it is an emotional abuse. you did the right thing, and we are here to support you. PM me if neccessary if you want to take your mind of things
RedRobin Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Sounds like he has some issues to work through on his own. I don't doubt he is depressed. But you can't fix that. You especially can't fix or help someone who can't seem to be bothered to help himself out of this destructive relationship cycle. Here's my question.... why would even friendship be advisable with someone who seems to have betrayed you multiple times. Seems like he's just looking for another possible 'in' to keep you emotionally dangling. I'm a woman who has no problems being friends with men or even ex's. But not ones that betrayed me. Take a step back for a moment. If someone had done to your good friend, what this person has or is doing to you, what would your advice be to them? For your own self, and his too ultimately, I'd have to suggest no contact. You aren't doing him any favors by continuing to 'enable' him this way. Look at it like tough love.
phineas Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Shows up at your door? Don't open it & call police. That is if you REALLY want him out of your life. I tell this to women I tried to date with ex drama. The only reason he is still around is because of HER. It is very simple. Dude shows up? You call police. Police have a talk & if he is smart he leaves & they tell him not to come back. It is now a police record upon which you can base a restraining order on if he shows up again. Women I know who want the guy gone do this. women addicted to the drama or have issues where they want to be with a dirtbag that treats them like crap don't 2
RedRobin Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Just reread your original post. I wouldn't be so apt to call police... especially since it sounds like you are sending him mixed signals and he doesn't sound dangerous. Just annoying. It isn't fair to him and unnecessarily escalates things to a level that should be reserved only for dangerous situations. You seem to have an issue with boundaries. So, here are some options: Next time he calls, tell him you do not want to see or talk to him anymore and wish him well. If he continues to call, after that, do not answer. If he comes over, you either do not answer the door, or you step outside and respectfully tell him that this is the last time you expect him to come over. Wish him well, then go back inside. If he persists beyond all of that, then one more warning, with "I've asked you not to contact me. If you contact me again in any way, I will be forced to involve law enforcement. Good day" Then stick to it. This process has been very effective for myself and other people I know who have been the recipient of unwanted attention. It also minimizes excess drama for all involved. 1
firehawk_1 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 wrong. do NOT call the police. do NOT ruin an innocent mans life. there are ALOT of false allegations against innocent men and we do not need anymore. ONLY call the police if: 1) he is physically assualting you 2) he still comes round after you told him explicitly NOT to. 3) he breaks in if you do not tell him (but you have done) that you dont want him to come round then he still does, then of course its fine because you didnt tell him. however if he does come round AFTER you told him not to, then hear him out as long as he is in a calm and cool manner otherwise dont open the door and call the police as he has been told by you not to come round. think carefully. dont cause drama 1
RedRobin Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 wrong. do NOT call the police. do NOT ruin an innocent mans life. there are ALOT of false allegations against innocent men and we do not need anymore. ONLY call the police if: 1) he is physically assualting you 2) he still comes round after you told him explicitly NOT to. 3) he breaks in if you do not tell him (but you have done) that you dont want him to come round then he still does, then of course its fine because you didnt tell him. however if he does come round AFTER you told him not to, then hear him out as long as he is in a calm and cool manner otherwise dont open the door and call the police as he has been told by you not to come round. think carefully. dont cause drama I agree with the above, and I'm a woman. Escalating things unnecessarily only prolongs the drama. Calling police because someone doesn't want the dirty work of developing solid boundaries and stick to-itiveness is never a good plan. 1
firehawk_1 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Thank you redrobin. you wouldnt believe how much it ruins a mans life when they dont know whats going on all because of mixed signals or even if they have no contact with the woman, and then a woman tells the police he has done "something" to her, which was not even true. same with breaking up in a relationship. i know alot of men, and couples, who have been affected by such a thing. its horrible and i cannot even begin to explain the life long knock on affects
RedRobin Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Thank you redrobin. you wouldnt believe how much it ruins a mans life when they dont know whats going on all because of mixed signals or even if they have no contact with the woman, and then a woman tells the police he has done "something" to her, which was not even true. same with breaking up in a relationship. i know alot of men, and couples, who have been affected by such a thing. its horrible and i cannot even begin to explain the life long knock on affects Women are given some bad advice... even by other well meaning men. I've seen it here. A man displays some anger (but not physical or even threatening) and some other men are quick to jump on the bandwagon. I realize that there is the better safe than sorry idea... but it doesn't help the woman either. Calling the police doesn't reflect well on her either. I've never called the police on anyone I dated. I've never even used a lawyer for my divorce. There are just so many other ways to manage things... Once people involve either, then things quickly spin out of control and go beyond all sense of reason. I equate it to going to 'war'. Only done once all other avenues have been completely exhausted. Fortunately, I've never had to do either. ...and I agree. It has long term consequences for all involved.
firehawk_1 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 well exactly. its about being sensible and reasonable, taking a step back and actually going from the basics and onwards... to exhaust everything before making the ultimate call.
FitChick Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Start dating again. Let him know you are dating and suggest he do the same, perhaps hooking up again with one of his past conquests. How old are each of you, by the way?
KathyM Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Seriously??? I doubt he was crying so loudly when he was cheating on you. Don't feel like a a b*tch, you are doing the right thing. I agree with this. His tears, begging and pleading, are forms of manipulation, and in the past, you have allowed him to manipulate you--to weasle his way back into your good graces through gifts and false sentiment. Or maybe he actually does want you desperately, but he doesn't have it in him to be in a relationship, since he has no intention or self control to be faithful. Don't allow him to weasel his way back into your life. This guy is a pathetic loser. Don't put up with his manipulation. Don't fall for that. Go NC with him. Don't answer the door when he comes. Don't answer his calls or Emails. For your own sake. You don't need this kind of leech in your life--it will only lead to more of the same kind of hurt down the road when he cheats again.
Black Jack Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 i was with this guy 6 yrs. hes 10yrs older. he cheated on me a few times, long boring story, told me he wanted to try again at christmas. i stayed with him and uncovered, once again, christmas gifts and a 'girlfriend' card written to some girl hed cheated on me with before, i told him that was it. since then, he has bought me gifts, booked hotels, booked concerts, and randomly shown up at my house uninvited (he lives an hr away). somewhere inside me i still care about him, i dont mind being friends if thats what he wants, but im done with the relationship side. ive told him this and he doesnt stop with the other stuff. every time i approach the subject he gets upset and sometimes cries. anyone got any advice? no contact is hard when he just shows up at my house. A few times is A LOT and even one time is destructive enough. You know he's a serial cheater and you keep going back to him and he'll continue his erratic, impulsive behavior. Tie it off with him and give yourself some time to deal with this. There's no reason to even stick around with this loser. He's a selfish cake eater.
Professor X Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 it makes me feel like *such* a heartless bitch. When you think that, try and remember all the times he put his penis inside another woman vagina. Who's heartless now, eh?
phineas Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Hey, either she wants him gone or she doesn't. If she does and she's told him so then you call the police so he doesn't come back. Me personally i've been in situations where the ex is looking through the bedroom windows while i'm in bed with her. sorry, but I don't care to deal with that kind of crap. I read he'd cheated on her a number of times so I assumed she wanted him gone permanently & told him so. If she doesn't well that's her problem.
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