Happy75 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Happy to finally have found a forum where the members are posting very helpful and without any judging of the situation...! Hence became new member and seeking some advice from the more experienced and objective folks out here Since 3 months grew again closer to a guy I have been knowing for two years now. He is married and has three teenager children. I know people from his past and his marriage has been challenging already as both already live pretty much their own lives, but nevertheless they are a 'team' in my eyes.We hit off as friends but it grew more over time and he first admitted his feelings for me about a year ago. I was too much into him to block (which I should have done, given he's married). Anyhow after about one month (we did kiss but not much more) he talked openly to me that feelings were not strong enough and we should remain friends only. I cut off all contact afterwards as I was hurt and did not loose my love for him. Well, he came back and started contacting me, only to admit after a few weeks that he fooled himself and that leaving was probably worst decision ever. He told me he is getting a new job and then will move on to find a way to leave his family, by making sure they will remain in good shape financially. We have incredible chemistry between us, but still managed to stay away from each other at least far enough not to start a full blown affaire... As you can imagine, I am careful now and don't understand if he is serious now or only keeps me waiting. My gut tells me he is, my head tells me to stop being naive and run as fast as I can to find someone 'unattached'..... I have asked for a meeting now to talk and get his thoughts and share my concerns, so hopefully I'll be able to decide afterwards. (One more comment: It's his first time that someone from 'outside' managed to make him think and want leaving his current life and he also never had an affaire before, which I am sure is true, given how he acts and what I know from his environement) Any advice or past experiences from anyone out there who had been through something similar??? Thanks for any good advice!
alexandria35 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Hello Happy. I like your username. How old is your MM? How old are you? You haven't given us much of the story but thats okay because my thoughts are always the same on this matter. I always say that you should never wait for anyone to pick you. It's not good for you and regardless of what your MM does or doesn't do, you will regret putting your own life on hold for him. You said he told you that this is the first time someone has managed to make him think and want to leave his marriage. This stood out to me for two reasons. First of all, you know that him leaving his long standing marriage and his kids for no other reason than being with you is a really bad idea right? A marriage should only end if it's a really bad marriage and nobody wants to fix it, in which case your MM would be condsidering divorce even without you in the picture. If he is relatively content in his family life and he leaves to be with you then he will have regrets and may in turn resent you for his decision. Also him saying that you are the only person who ever made him think about this was probably meant to stroke your ego and make you feel special and it sounds like you took it that way. I think when a married person starts looking outside of their marriage it has very little to do with anyone else. You mentioned that they have 3 teenagers, so I suspect this guy is coming up on middle age if he's not middleaged already and I also think that with three teenagers his marriage is probably not all that romantically exciting. Sometimes after the kids come along the romance wanes as it's just not the priority in busy household full of kids. I've heard of a lot of MM who will say that they will leave when their kids leave but then they stay anyways. Maybe they were lying all along or maybe once the demands of parenthood eased up some of the spark came back to their marriage. Either way it sound like your MM might just be looking for escape or to recapture a more youthful time and he's fantasizing about what life might be like if he was free and single. He's made you a part of his fantasy but it doesn't sound like either one of you are being realistic. If he is really unhappy in his marriage and wants to end it then he will man up and do it without you in the background waiting on him. If you want to be with him and you want to have a chance at having a succesfull relationship with him then you need to let his divorce happen the right way, which means you stop contact with him and tell him to look you up once he has the divorce papers in hand. 5
Author Happy75 Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 Thanks a lot for your replies and helpful advices! I am 37 and currently single, and he is 4 years older than me. I guess you are right and maybe it was just nice for my ego that he showed interest and I was so 'special' to him. My head is telling me that the whole time already but my gut feeling still gives me confidence that there is more behind it... Let's see if he is open to talk and to the suggestion to cut contact until he has sorted his things out and would leave for the right reasons. Indeed I do not want him to be unhappy afterwards or live through a nightmare of him going back and forth! Will let you know how it works out after we met and talked. :-) 2
spice4life Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Thanks a lot for your replies and helpful advices! I am 37 and currently single, and he is 4 years older than me. I guess you are right and maybe it was just nice for my ego that he showed interest and I was so 'special' to him. My head is telling me that the whole time already but my gut feeling still gives me confidence that there is more behind it... Let's see if he is open to talk and to the suggestion to cut contact until he has sorted his things out and would leave for the right reasons. Indeed I do not want him to be unhappy afterwards or live through a nightmare of him going back and forth! Will let you know how it works out after we met and talked. :-) Good for you for taking steps in the right direction. You only have control of the here and now; that is where your choices are. You have no control over him and his choices and trying to control the outcome will only end up leaving you hurt and frustrated. The choices you have right now are 1) you can stop enabling him and tell him to sort himself out and decide what HE wants or 2) you can stay in limbo by hanging onto hope that he will leave for you. Which choice is healthier for YOU? One gives you control over your own life and the other gives HIM control over your life. The choice is yours. 2
Author Happy75 Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 Very well summarized spice4life and I am for sure voting on option where I gain back control :-D Hope I will have enough strength to do so in the next face to face meeting and stick through the NC until either he is available (and me still wanting to be with him then ;-)) or someone better comes along :-D 1
spice4life Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Very well summarized spice4life and I am for sure voting on option where I gain back control :-D Hope I will have enough strength to do so in the next face to face meeting and stick through the NC until either he is available (and me still wanting to be with him then ;-)) or someone better comes along :-D That's great! Best wishes on your journey.
whichwayisup Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 It's his first time that someone from 'outside' managed to make him think and want leaving his current life So he is going to leave his wife, then divorce and be with you? If his marriage is over, he needs to end it without you in the picture, in his life. He hasn't thought this through. A new job and making sure his wife and teen are looked after financially isn't going to cut it. It's more than just handing off money to his family he's about to leave. He's got family entwined, hers and his. A whole life built with someone - And he's willing to throw it ALL away after a few months of an affair? Without even trying to fix his marriage or give it his best shot, that way he can walk away knowing he tried his best? Are you also prepared to have a step son (TEEN) in your life? And have to deal with his ex forever? They still have to co parent together and be in eachothers lives to an extent. Do you want your own children, if so, is he willing to have more children? Is he worth all this? Do you really "know" him? 1
bentnotbroken Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 So he is going to leave his wife, then divorce and be with you? If his marriage is over, he needs to end it without you in the picture, in his life. He hasn't thought this through. A new job and making sure his wife and teen are looked after financially isn't going to cut it. It's more than just handing off money to his family he's about to leave. He's got family entwined, hers and his. A whole life built with someone - And he's willing to throw it ALL away after a few months of an affair? Without even trying to fix his marriage or give it his best shot, that way he can walk away knowing he tried his best? Are you also prepared to have a step son (TEEN) in your life? And have to deal with his ex forever? They still have to co parent together and be in eachothers lives to an extent. Do you want your own children, if so, is he willing to have more children? Is he worth all this? Do you really "know" him? Nope and NOPE.
Artie Lang Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 although there is no affair going on, there is intent to take it(relationship) further. you've been smart so far in not getting caught up in all the hoopla of full-blown affair. my advice would be to wait, if you really feel he is serious about leaving his "former" life. just don't get in too far over your head, with feelings for him before he makes s concrete commitment. 1
Recommended Posts