dsw31 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 (edited) I sent my ex boyfriend this email today (after 19 days NC) Closure I guess everyone comes into our lives at a specific time, for a reason.You have taught me so much, and for that, I want to say thank you. It may have been very painful but, I wlll definitely come out as a stronger person in the end. I'm not even sure why I'm going to tell you this...I guess because I've never felt closer to anyone in my life. I guess it may be an answer to why I cheated on you. I'm not making any excuses btw. I know that I hurt you, just as much as you hurt me. I know you'll probably devalue me even more but...somehow I guess I don't even care anymore. -----This may give you a little closure, as well as closure for me----- So here goes... Last night I couldn't believe what I had realized. I realized that I have been raped 15 years ago. I completely blocked it out of my mind! I still can't remember every single detail. I am going to get some professional help about this & other things that I have learned about myself. I also learned that I feel the need for a man's love, for validation of my own worthiness. I am sure this stems from my childhood. As I mentioned to you, I have never heard the words "I love you" from my parents - especially my father. I have learned that I manipulate people into "liking" me because I never felt liked throughout my childhood. I'm not making excuses for my behavior (primarily my cheating behavior) but I do realize that I had alot to do with the breakup. I do not love myself as much as I should. Why should I expect you, or anyone else to love me? I am going to go to school & make something of myself. I have alot of insecurity because of that. I am going to do alot of positive things. (I won't even get into all that because tha'ts not the point of this email) I just want you to know that I acknowledge all my faults and I am going to change, I am very sad that I had to learn all this, so late in my life but, better late than never. I am sad that I couldn't have learned all this before I met you. I can't help but wonder if we met at another time in our lives- maybe it could have been forever? Who knows? All I know is that I am grateful for everything we have ever shared, and I hope to find peace and happiness within myself. I hope that you find happiness in your life. You are an amazing person and I wish it didn't have to end as it did. Like I said - everything happens for a reason. I just have to have faith in that, I'm sure I will find a perfect match for me...when the time is right. I'm sure you will too. I wish it could have been me but, we've made too many mistakes and it's broken. For that - I am eternally sad. I wish you all the best. I wish we could be friends but, it's just absolutely too devastating at this point. {His Name} I love you, I miss you, I wish you all the best ------------------------------------------------------------------------- His response_ I miss you and love you too...I'm sorry that happened to you.It's kinda shocking... I don't know what else to say.... I said alot of mean sh*t to you because I'm a f^ck#d up person. I wish I hadn't said those things but I did and I know it effected you. I'm sorry for that...it was abusive. I have many problems....far more problems than you. Atleast you are a nice person...people can't stand to be around me.... I'm more insecure than you but, I should be. YOU shouldn't be. You have nothing to feel insecure about,,,you are a great person...you just had a$$h^les do bad sh*t to you...and I am one of them. If you decide to talk to someone, I hope it's helpful...You are still a great person just the way you are and I love you just the way you are.... I just want to emphasize that I'm f^ck#d up and f^ck#d up the relationship way more than you...I don't think it was an issue of you needing to learn anything... I mean, we both can learn sh*t but it wasn't as if I was thinking you needed to improve somehow. Please don't think that. I suggested you talk to someone so it would make you happier because I know you have sadness inside you and it makes me sad to think about Did you see Redmond Gore yet? -------------------------------------------------------------------- FYI- Redmond Gore is a teddy bear that I wanted a while back & I guess he is saying that it's on it's way in the mail. I have not recieved it yet . Did he send the bear as breadcrumbs, or to relieve his guilt? Is he unsure of the breakup? I just don't get that? I have not responded and I don't think I will. * Thanks to anyone who reads this this long post. I wanted some closure. I guess I got it, except, now wondering what the bear is all about? I have learned so much in this last month since we have been broken up.I know there is no going back. Some days are better than others but I know what I have to do now. I have to love myself. . Edited April 22, 2012 by dsw31
jennisfora Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 from reading his response, he sounds extremely guilt ridden. i hope it gave you closure, i kept saying good byes and farewells to my ex, hoping it would grant me closure, and it hasn't. he left it open ended, but, i didn't read anything about reconciliation, i think you are helping him to relieve his guilt, over ending things, which is kind of you. you do have to love yourself in order to love another. i think both of you are in pain, and have regrets, and issues to work on. nothing worth doing is easy. i just wouldn't hope for reconciliation based on this, as long as you see this as closure, making amends you should be okay. *hugs*
HollyBolly Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 That is intense! Really sorry to hear about the rape. I hope you get the help you need. As for his reply, I hope you found some closure from it. And I applaud your not replying back.
Author dsw31 Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 I regret sending that today. I don't want him to think that I forgive him. I want him to think I'm over him so, that he could do the necessary things to get me back Those damn rollercoater of emotions! I wrote that email in about 5 min & pushed send without even thinking it through I am so dissappointed in myself today
HollyBolly Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 I regret sending that today. I don't want him to think that I forgive him. I want him to think I'm over him so, that he could do the necessary things to get me back Those damn rollercoater of emotions! I wrote that email in about 5 min & pushed send without even thinking it through I am so dissappointed in myself today Don't be! The roller coaster of emotions will go on for awhile. The most important thing is to focus on yourself. I know, I know. Easier said than done and wtf does that even mean? Do not contact him again. That's what you have to maintain. Good luck.
fucpcg Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Wow he man'd up, not something you find often. I'll give both of you respect for that. I once read a line that says "always be 100% responsible for 50% of the breakup". You two would actually have the most potential together, if you work to grow together. I have found it is almost impossible for someone with a rough childhood and background, to make it work with someone from a happy family and idealistic life growing up. When the rough one snaps, the happy one can't get it or relate, and they can't deal. Relationship folds. If you take two people from rough upbringings, and they find love together, definitely the past will come back to haunt them. However, neither will be judgmental of the other, just understanding, because they know why and what brought them to that point in their life, and after the emotions calm down, you can talk about things and move forward. You two would have a much better chance with each other, than with a "normal" person so to speak. For example, my ex broke up with me and called me horrible things after me losing it on her one day. I didn't just lose it, there was much leading up, but when I did lose it, she ran away scared and called me abusive, psychotic, crazy. Since her I have been seeing a girl who was thru horrible childhood, had been raped, and has many scars from the past. As do I. There have been a couple occasions where we lose it on each other (argument wise, not physical), and within a day or two we always talk it thru like adults, and move forward. We both understand EXACTLY WHY those things happen with us, and neither of us has any interest in punishing each other for the scars of our past. Even with our combined scars, we have one of the most understanding relationships I've ever had, because be both have been thru the same things. Another friend of mine wrote this, to another friend going thru a hard breakup. I thought it was timeless and universal: ALL of us and I mean ALL of us are f'd up in different ways. You're not specially f'd up. No one reserved f'd up just for you and who you bring home. No one gets outta life unscathed thats just the way it is. But it is up to us as individuals to make the world we wrap ourselves in beautiful. That doesn't mean life is always beautiful many times it is barely manageable but so what? Experiencing the times when life goes sideways or takes a turn doesn't make for a f'd up life it just doesn't. F'd up moments does not = F'd up life. 2
Author dsw31 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 Does anyone know what happened to the rest of this thread? There were 3 pages last night? Were Wilson & I being offensive? Btw- I have an update.Will post when I have a little more time.
wilsonx Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Its a breakup forum, we are not allowed to have fun here. People will get jealous and report the thread to the moderators.
jphcbpa Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 is suggest therapy and SLAA...it will save your life also suggest no new r's for a year min.
Author dsw31 Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 This is long but if, you're interested, grab some popcorn & have a seat. It comes from the mind of 2 Wackos... I decided to email him back Me No, I haven't seen Redmond. I hope I never do.I will just get rid of it like any other memory I have of you.Please don't think sending me a bear helps me in any kind of way. Anyway-sorry for ever sending you an apology.You don't deserve it.I took your reply as.... "I'm a pathetic & insecure person, and to make myself feel better, I need to get validation from as many women as possible.There is nothing you could have done to stop me from training for the c*ck olympics". I guess I would have felt better thinking I deserved what you put me through. You do have issues-way more than I'll ever have.You should try to look into that... It's going to ruin your life! Again, all the best to you & your fake family. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Him I'm sorry you took that message that way.I don't know what you were expecting me to say.I was being sincere.I didn't send you a bear, I sent you a shirt.I thought it would look cute on you. Your perception of how I'm living my life now is probably way off.I'm sure you are going on way more dates than I ever have. I'm a pathetic person.I just want to be by myself sometimes & waste my life away.I'm a lifelong drug addict who has accomplished nothing.I can not provide for you.I am weak & can't protect you.You deserve a strong man who is nice to you.I'm not good enough for you.I'm a little piece of sh*t coward...don't you get that? I love you so much and miss you so much.It really hurts me to think you are sad and all you see is that I'm having a good time and partying or something.That's a f*ck#n joke!I'm not doing sh*t with myself. I'm sorry you feel that way about my family.They are a retarded lot.My sister asks about you all the time.I like your family & miss (my dog's name) and everything else too. My issues will ruin my life and already have. --------------------------------------------------------------- Me I like your family, especially (sis name).She's a beautiful girl with a great heart. Believe me you-you had more more dates than I had in a lifetime-just during your lunch hours alone. You have accomplished way more than most people your age.You have unrealistic expectations of yourself, probably because your parents never gave you the credit you deserve.I know they tried their best but, if you were my child..I would be proud of you. The only thing I would need protection from is your disease prone d*ck. And yeah, I'm sure you feel bad, that I'm sad.I'm sad because I had some image of you being a perfect person.Gorgeous, brilliant, funny, strong, athletic, & a terrific lover. I thought you had everything I needed-except you didn't feel the same. You have a very distorted view of yourself & I hope you can see one day that it's not true. You can be an amazing person-you just shouldn't hurt other people in the process of making yourself feel better. PLEASE DON'T RESPOND! There is nothing you can say to make me feel better. --------------------------------------------------------------- Him Isn't that why I wanted to breakup???????!!!!!!!!! I need to improve myself before I can be with someone. Doesn't matter, anything I say will make you angry --------------------------------------------------------------- That was it.....until...... I noticed he took the day off work today. (he lives in the immediate area of my job) My drug addiction got the best of me.(we both just smoke marijuana-not crack heads or anything) I needed a bag. I texted him- Can you come bring me a bag? I'm at (street name) His reply- Ok He literally got there in 5 minutes.I didn't feel butterflies when I saw him,as I usually do.I felt numb.He seemed happy & said "hi,did you get the shirt?" I said "nope & thanks for the bag" & left.I know he thought I looked beautiful.He sat in his car & watched me walk away.If anything came of this- I'm sure,atleast he'll be thinking of me when he jerks off tonight. --------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah...we are both nuts! I know!
Author dsw31 Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 is suggest therapy and SLAA...it will save your life also suggest no new r's for a year min. Thanks for the suggestion jphcbpa. I will definitely look into it.
Author dsw31 Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 Does any one know about narcissism? I'm wondering if I caused my ex a narcissistic injury? I was thinking about his response a little last night.The part where he said "I am a weak piece of sh*t & cannot protect you,I can not support you", etc.. The reason I ask is because my ex has a pretty good job & is graduating with his masters in a few months so, he will be getting an even better career. But the man I cheated on him with, in the very beginning our of our relationship, was very very wealthy. Also-my ex has a great body to me but, he is very slim. The guys I cheated on him with was total opposite-taller & built- very muscular. One day,they almost got into a fist fight.I could tell my ex was a little afraid but, he talked his crap & I have to say, he kind of embarrassed himself.They didn't fight-I calmed the situation down & they both went their seperate ways. I know I'm reading into things to most people here but, I just have to wonder if I really emotionally murdered a narcissist or something? If you have any questions about other things he does that makes me believe he is a narcissist, feel free to ask... Or-does it sound like he is a commitment phobe? Like he is genuinely scared to have all the responsibilities of taking that next step? Or am I just making excuses for us not being compatible?
Author dsw31 Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 Nothing huh? Too long? Boring? Just a case of "nothing nice to say so don't say anything"? Wilson? Got anything for me?
robaday Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Its over. So regardless of what horrible things this guy did to you during the relationship, its irrelevant to the here and now. His response from what I reads is that he is devastated, and also incredibly humble. Your message to him is brutal and offensive, and he is being as nice as possible. My ex gf from a year ago, was similar when I broke up with her. I howver hadnt abused her nor, cheated on her. But she still kept accusing me of sleeping with friends, sleeping with prostitutes and just generally being a scum bag. Her perception of me after the break up, destroyed a lot of the good I saw in her, and hurt like hell because I felt she didnt even know me, and two years had been wasted. It depends what you want from him? friendship? your going about it the wrong way. Suffering? he is suffering his messages tell you that. Him to be happy and fix his problems? then take his apology and run with it. Be careful what you wish for, when you tear into an ex, they can retaliate and hurt you even worse. You want to hold your head high, maintain your dignity and walk away. Leave them to deal with their own crap and conscience. Silence hurts way worse believe me. 1
wilsonx Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 You really should stop trying to blame him for his actions and focus on what you see when you look in the mirror. Your behavior is narcissistic. Thats one of the reasons you and I banter well back and forth is because you and I have an understanding and dont take our jokes towards each other personally. I am well aware of my narcissism and I keep it in check. You need to focus on yours and learn how to control it and keep yourself in check. Once you start putting the pieces of your life together, you will see things a lot more clearly. Lay off the drugs you loser.
Tiera D Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 no offence but based on the e-mails ur ex seemed more stable than u are..
Author dsw31 Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) Thank you guys for taking the time out for me! Robaday,thank you! I see where you're coming from.I don't want to tarnish my image. Now about what I want.?.. I want him back! Friendship? Not at this point.There's no doubt I could have that if I wanted it.This may be hard for others to understand but, he won't get offended by my words.He knows I am hurt.(my ex & I are basically the same person) Suffering? I guess the thought of it sounds good - as long as he is not with me. In reality though, I know that's not the answer. Him to be happy? He won't be.He is always miserable I will take his words & run with them.That's all I can do at this point.You are right-silence is definitely golden!! Wilsonx - Thanks again! I totally get it!!! It's just so hard.This has been my emotional murder.I asked if you had anything for me though? Tiera D- It seems that way because you only get to know what I've wrote about him here.No offense taken.Thanks for your input. Edited April 25, 2012 by dsw31
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