Dating Game Frustration.

[persevere]

Thanks for reading, ladies and gentlemen...

 

I had a date recently with a woman I met online. I am 41. She is 29.

We hit it off, I thought. Talked for several hours, closed the place down and had a few bottles of wine. This was Thursday, week ago. We kissed. I told her I'd call her when I got home, as it was a 30 minute drive when I left at 1130. I did just that. No answer, however she sent me a text at 4am saying she had a good time and we'd talk soon.."sorry I missed your call. I fell asleep." Hmmm... ok.

 

I had asked her, on our date, if she'd like to go out again. She seemed enthoused and said yes. We agreed to meet the following Monday night. So, I call her Sunday to set it up. She texts me back and asks if we can reschedule monday for later in the week..grrr. "Sure, tuesday, wednesday, or Saturday?" She tells me "Saturday is good. We can talk details later" So, I am assuming we have a date for Saturday night.

 

I call last Wednesday to set it up. To go to the Cheesecake factory, no less. She texts me back and says "That sounds good". Ok...cool this is gonna work, I thought.

 

I say "I get off work at 5pm, will head down and meet you at 630?" She then says "630 pm at Cheesecake? I was thinking earlier in the day..." I tell her "I am working until 5. I cannot meet you earlier"

 

Here's where I got a little mad and frustrated. Dinner date on Monday, rescheduled. Saturday night date?, now pushed to lunch? My impression was this....So, I am supposed to go out of my way to take her to lunch at an expensive restaurant, so she can then go out with date number 2 that night with another guy?? After she rescheduled Monday?

 

I waited a few hours for a response regarding the text telling her I could meet and earlier and texted her "This looks like it is just not going to work. I wish you the very best"

 

Question: Was I a bit hasty in writing her off? Should I have indeed tried to go out another time and just let it roll? or, was I correct? What's really going on here? I was interested in her and felt she was a pretty good woman until the....games!.

[Solo34]

You jumped the gun, bro. I even felt that with your 1st "Grrr..." about her falling asleep waiting on your call...AFTER having wine and closing down the joint together.

 

She probably did "wait" as long as she could for your 30 minutes 'til you got home, but honestly fell asleep.

 

You can't assume that she had a 2nd date lined up for Saturday night with another guy...probably something with her friends. Even if she does, at least she wants to still see you. To top it off, it's DATING, and you're not her man anyways...

[CC12]

My impression was this....So, I am supposed to go out of my way to take her to lunch at an expensive restaurant, so she can then go out with date number 2 that night with another guy??

 

Well, what she does with her free time is her own business so if she did in fact plan to go out with another guy that night, it's not relevant to you.

 

I think you were hasty in writing her off. She only rescheduled once, which is acceptable. She agreed to meet you on Saturday, and you both had different ideas of what time of day it would happen. Based on what you wrote here, it doesn't seem like she was jerking you around or blowing you off. She was trying to make plans with you.

 

For the future, don't make casual plans for a date "On Saturday." Arrange a specific time. If you don't do this, then don't get upset when your schedules don't line up. And please understand that people have lives and that you can't expect them to always be available to go out with you or answer texts immediately. It seems you got a little possessive over a girl you only went out with once.

 

Anyway, better luck next time.

[USMCHokie]

Here's a suggestion: Stop texting.

[GetTheClou]

I disagree. Texting is one of the regular interaction "channels" these days, accepted by almost anyone. Of course you need to be careful what to text.

 

@topic: too hasty, too needy. Why always the same mistakes? Yes dating is a ****ing game, why are so many men too STUPID to accept and act according to the RULES of the GAME? Especially in onlinedating. Women will almost ALWAYS continue to be online and browse for other guys, even if they like you and are interested in you. You need to handle this. Be yourself, dont be needy, dont overcommit, continue browsing yourself, and meet her again, if its 2 weeks its 2 weeks, if its cancelled its cancelled...If you are not one of those very few guys who naturally have women running after them like there is no tomorrow dating is work, even for above average guys.

 

quoted:

"Well, what she does with her free time is her own business so if she did in fact plan to go out with another guy that night, it's not relevant to you."

 

ACCEPT IT

 

[USMCHokie]

So, I call her Sunday to set it up. She texts me back...

 

...I call last Wednesday to set it up...She texts me back...

 

I missed these the first go around...I would have written her off the moment she texted me in response to a phone call...assuming you left a voicemail asking her to call you back when she missed your call...but then again, these days, that's a pretty aggressive assumption for me to make...

 

 

I disagree. Texting is one of the regular interaction "channels" these days, accepted by almost anyone. Of course you need to be careful what to text.

 

Sure, texting is a great communication channel that I use extensively, but not to set up plans. Check this out from OP:

 

I waited a few hours for a response regarding the text...

 

Yea, f*ck that. If I am trying to make plans with someone, I'd rather spend 5 minutes on the phone setting definite plans with someone than p*ssyfooting around for 10 hours over text.

 

And again, it seems like the girl in question here is socially crippled without her text messaging...

[jennisfora]

i have had this done to me, and it is annoying. i hate setting up dates via text. personally, i would rather hash it out on the phone. i went on two dates with a guy who only texted didn't call, and i had to set up the time, kind of aggressively, and i decided his interest level was too low, i was doing all the work, and was getting frustrated all ready. so, yeah, i stopped bothering, and no third date.

[yongyong]

Sir, plain and simple. you are 41 and she is 29.

If you were with some lonely girl in mid 30s, then I would say yeah forget about it unless she txts you.

 

When I am after young pussy, I know it's not going to be easy.

I know I have to come up with tighter game and more patience.

 

Would that be worth your time? does a chick like that young come around often?

[persevere]

Thanks for the thoughts and responses.

My expectations were too high. I analyzed too much. I just automatically too her rescheduling Monday and "lunch date" Saturday for a low interest level.

I assumed dinner date cancelled monday would equate to dinner date saturday. Here's where the text got me. If we had spoken on the phone, I could have explained I had to work until 5pm. Something I never told her until the day we tried to set it up, which I did via text..I had my timeline set for response quicker, related below...

She would be texting both times I came back from the bathroom, on our date. Immediately putting the thing down when I walked up. I made a light remark "Is that your safety text". She laughed saying it was just a friend and how she was tied to her phone.

True, she wouldn't call me back. Always a response, via text, when I called. But, no response to an email I had sent her the day after the date either. I had given her my real email and a quick "looking forward to seeing you Monday".

The best thing for me to have done was to back way off, take it for what it was. "Cancelled, well that stinks. Saturday won't work. Try again the next week, etc." Not take it personally or second guess her intentions.

 

I suppose I've lost this one? Knowing now that I did jump the gun, I could try to contact her (phone call!), for some damage control. I didn't feel I had been rude in my last text, just frustrated. Thoughts?

Edited April 22, 2012 by persevere

[yongyong]

Yeah, your last txt was pretty much 'don't talk to me, good bye'

 

Well the arrow has been shot. you can't take it back.

 

She might've said 'what a douche bag, well see ya'

Or she could've thought 'did I play too hard to get? dang I lost him'

(you said you closed down the place and had bottles of wine. how much did you spend????? she could've been attracted to your money. 'OMG this guy blows money like wiping his ass on a first date'. Chicks love that kind of lifestyle)

 

I say give a week or two and just randomly txt her. Never apologize and don't talk about the past.

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for the thoughts and responses.

My expectations were too high. I analyzed too much. I just automatically too her rescheduling Monday and "lunch date" Saturday for a low interest level.

I assumed dinner date cancelled monday would equate to dinner date saturday. Here's where the text got me. If we had spoken on the phone, I could have explained I had to work until 5pm. Something I never told her until the day we tried to set it up, which I did via text..I had my timeline set for response quicker, related below...

She would be texting both times I came back from the bathroom, on our date. Immediately putting the thing down when I walked up. I made a light remark "Is that your safety text". She laughed saying it was just a friend and how she was tied to her phone.

True, she wouldn't call me back. Always a response, via text, when I called. But, no response to an email I had sent her the day after the date either. I had given her my real email and a quick "looking forward to seeing you Monday".

The best thing for me to have done was to back way off, take it for what it was. "Cancelled, well that stinks. Saturday won't work. Try again the next week, etc." Not take it personally or second guess her intentions.

 

I suppose I've lost this one? Knowing now that I did jump the gun, I could try to contact her (phone call!), for some damage control. I didn't feel I had been rude in my last text, just frustrated. Thoughts?

[GetTheClou]

I suppose I've lost this one? Knowing now that I did jump the gun, I could try to contact her (phone call!), for some damage control. I didn't feel I had been rude in my last text, just frustrated. Thoughts?

 

you "could try" but will probably lead to nowhere. Just go with the flow next time.

[CC12]

(you said you closed down the place and had bottles of wine. how much did you spend????? she could've been attracted to your money. 'OMG this guy blows money like wiping his ass on a first date'. Chicks love that kind of lifestyle)

 

No.

 

 

 

Knowing now that I did jump the gun, I could try to contact her (phone call!), for some damage control. I didn't feel I had been rude in my last text, just frustrated. Thoughts?

 

You weren't exactly rude, but you did burn a bridge. You said, "This looks like it is just not going to work. I wish you the very best." End.

 

There's really no good way to come back from that. No opportunity for damage control, unless she contacts you again. Hopefully she won't.

[HHC]

I would have cut her loose as well.

 

I just can't handle disorganised people and people who can't be honest and up front.

[PlumPrincess]

It's probably going to sound a bit mean, but somehow I can't take a 41 year old guy serious who wants to date a 29 year old woman and is asking for dating advice on an online forum.

[GetTheClou]

we probably all know where you are getting at but it's mean anyway

[PlumPrincess]

we probably all know where you are getting at but it's mean anyway

I've recently read so many comments from guys who claimed they were so great and deserved hot, younger chicks all the while slamming older women that I can't help it.

[persevere]

you "could try" but will probably lead to nowhere. Just go with the flow next time.

 

Yeah. I'll plan on doing that. Whether I like it or not, all dating is somewhat of a game. You have to be a tactician, almost. I learned a bit of a lesson. That being said, I agree with another poster that someone should be honest and up front. I need to realize my limits and what I am willing to accept.

Maybe in there somewhere, we both learned a lesson. Me, to be a bit more patient. Her, to be more organized and responsible.

 

This woman told me up front she was "looking for a serious relationship", while not really treating my efforts as seriously as I would have liked. Somewhat a lack of interest? Then again. Correct. I can't expect her to throw herself in front of my feet early on. I'm a busy person, but also like to plan. Dating is a job, but I feel it should flow better than this one did. So, it is probably for the best. Someone like her and me would likely never get along, long term. I have high standards for communication and 'logistics'. She, well, seems to be just floating along per whim. Also, 3/4 of the pics on her online profile show her with friends. Partying, whatever. Not really my style. Besides, there's that. If so close to her friends, they may be asking "Why a 41 year old", or worse, worried to lose her to a relationship. No telling.

 

I don't know where the remark on age really comes in. I went out recently with a 52 year old woman. We are supposed to meet again earlier next month. Another is 46. It is quite refreshing, dealing with older women. They do answer the phone, return calls, texts, etc. This 29 year old gave me shades of an immaturity level that reminded me of the type of things faced when I was in college. Not calling back. Rescheduling. etc. So, it probably is best she not contact me, nor I her. For the better of both our sanities.

 

She may have been fun, but it was looking like too much effort. Something I need to reflect on. Narrow down my dating to within 5 years low and somewhere higher, to be more realistic. I'd probably have better luck.

 

BTW: We had gone to a BYOB restaurant, that serves great food. A relaxed atmosphere. So, it didn't cost too much. Not that I wouldn't have been willing to pay, thus the invite to the cheesecake factory.

I will say however, that I am in the travel industry. She seemed fairly interested in the idea of traveling places. She may have wanted that, over wanting me. It probably wasn't ever very real from the get go....

Edited April 22, 2012 by persevere

[sid3]

It's probably going to sound a bit mean, but somehow I can't take a 41 year old guy serious who wants to date a 29 year old woman and is asking for dating advice on an online forum.

 

+1 for saying it though. Mean or not. These mistakes are so easily avoidable. I'm hope the OP learns from it so he doesn't have to go through it again. And there is no chance, you blew the bridge up.

[truth_seeker]

Question: Was I a bit hasty in writing her off? Should I have indeed tried to go out another time and just let it roll? or, was I correct? What's really going on here? I was interested in her and felt she was a pretty good woman until the....games!.

 

You wrote her off too soon. She's 29. You're 41. She wants you on a rope. If this girl is hot then she has options! You fall into the "older guy who can spend money on me" category. She might have a guy her age just for fun to go dancing with, have sex. There could be another guy a little bit older then her she likes as a boyfriend type. You, though, you're her sugardaddy option to spoil her.

 

Hard to take a girl seriously who has options. Everything is based on their mood, hence why the rescheduling. Don't fall for a girl like this. Treat her as such: someone you date casually when available. If you cant handle this, then go after a woman 40 and up who wants a serious relationship.

Edited April 22, 2012 by truth_seeker

[riggs]

She obviously thought about it and changed her mind about you. In my experiences, returning a phone message with either a text or email is a dead giveaway the person isn't interested.

[PlumPrincess]

Yeah. I'll plan on doing that. Whether I like it or not, all dating is somewhat of a game. You have to be a tactician, almost. I learned a bit of a lesson. That being said, I agree with another poster that someone should be honest and up front. I need to realize my limits and what I am willing to accept.

Maybe in there somewhere, we both learned a lesson. Me, to be a bit more patient. Her, to be more organized and responsible.

 

This woman told me up front she was "looking for a serious relationship", while not really treating my efforts as seriously as I would have liked. Somewhat a lack of interest? Then again. Correct. I can't expect her to throw herself in front of my feet early on. I'm a busy person, but also like to plan. Dating is a job, but I feel it should flow better than this one did. So, it is probably for the best. Someone like her and me would likely never get along, long term. I have high standards for communication and 'logistics'. She, well, seems to be just floating along per whim. Also, 3/4 of the pics on her online profile show her with friends. Partying, whatever. Not really my style. Besides, there's that. If so close to her friends, they may be asking "Why a 41 year old", or worse, worried to lose her to a relationship. No telling.

 

I don't know where the remark on age really comes in. I went out recently with a 52 year old woman. We are supposed to meet again earlier next month. Another is 46. It is quite refreshing, dealing with older women. They do answer the phone, return calls, texts, etc. This 29 year old gave me shades of an immaturity level that reminded me of the type of things faced when I was in college. Not calling back. Rescheduling. etc. So, it probably is best she not contact me, nor I her. For the better of both our sanities.

 

She may have been fun, but it was looking like too much effort. Something I need to reflect on. Narrow down my dating to within 5 years low and somewhere higher, to be more realistic. I'd probably have better luck.

 

BTW: We had gone to a BYOB restaurant, that serves great food. A relaxed atmosphere. So, it didn't cost too much. Not that I wouldn't have been willing to pay, thus the invite to the cheesecake factory.

I will say however, that I am in the travel industry. She seemed fairly interested in the idea of traveling places. She may have wanted that, over wanting me. It probably wasn't ever very real from the get go....

You analyse too much, you rationalize too much and you speculate too much about her, her motivations and her intentions. In short, you're just like me and it's not getting me anywhere. And stop sending that kind of hasty messages. You will always regret them, trust me.

[persevere]

Good thoughts, folks. Thanks.

 

Yes, I reacted to my emotions at the time. I shoulda waited until next day and seen if she got back with me, etc. Given the record, I am mixed if she would have. No response to my email the friday prior, etc. Texting, instead of calling me back.

 

I was just a bit irritated that I told her, in the initial text Wedneday, when I was trying to set up Saturday, that I got off work at "5ish and would head down" Then, the "630pm? I was thinking earlier in the day"...when I had JUST told her I got off work at 5. She had already made other plans for the night, a Saturday night. Whoever it was, friends or another date, was more important to her. No, "I can't, I have date with (me)"...just put me towards the bottom of the list and planned on whoever called her first. A bit inconsiderate and flaky...and disinterested. I assumed far too much and got my hopes up too soon.

 

As someone once told me, If a woman likes you, she will ensure she has time for you to every effort possible. It goes both ways. She flat would not have cancelled Monday (unless it was work related) if she truely wanted to see me. She would have not pushed me to "earlier in the day" Saturday, etc.

 

She just wasn't that into me. I should have taken it for what it was worth, and been much more "whatever" about it. However, I just have a hard time with that and think it is somewhat rude and inconsiderate to be yanked around a bit. Frankly, I am looking for more than that.

 

Or, she was setting me up to leave her alone, in a different kinda way...

Yes, I obviously do analyze and rationalize far too much. Working on this, as it really doesn't help things in the long run.

Edited April 22, 2012 by persevere

[FitChick]

I went out recently with a 52 year old woman. We are supposed to meet again earlier next month. Another is 46. It is quite refreshing, dealing with older women. They do answer the phone, return calls, texts, etc. This 29 year old gave me shades of an immaturity level that reminded me of the type of things faced when I was in college. Narrow down my dating to within 5 years low and somewhere higher, to be more realistic. I'd probably have better luck.

 

You've solved your own problem.

[yongyong]

As you hit on more women, you will experience more of those 'rude flakes' and it will desensitize you. Don't put too much heart into it. Look at it like the person who cut right in front of you and almost caused an accident. Are you going to ruin the whole day by getting mad at that person? just say 'what an idiot' and move on right?

 

It will be better for you if you become a cold sales person with no emotion (someone who doesn't get upset just because they got turned by the customer)

As you treat those dates more seriously, more flakes will happen. Just go out to kill your time.

 

I agree 'older women give less headache' but they lack those exoticness.

Younger girls,

Personality wise: goofy, adventurous, fun, spontaneous, entertaining.

Body wise: firm skins, less wrinkles, perkier boobs, nice hair and obviously tight pussy.

 

I say older women is like having a Camry. Reliable, low maintenance but no fun to look at and drive.

Younger women is like having a Mini. Might cause problems, high maintenance but cute to just look at it and very fun to drive.

 

If I were you, I would invite them to your lifestyle. (going to nice dinner with wine, travelling often, shopping spree etc)

[persevere]

Good post yongyong.

I need to desensitize myself to treat it almost like a door to door salesman. Lots of non interest, occasionally a "sell". Go out, for what its worth. Have a good time, then move right along. Not get hurt or beat myself up, when it doesnt work. Blow it off and move on. Trust actions, not words. Maybe back up, shun alcohol for the first few dates, so it may stay more focused and real.

Postscript. I did just hear from her "sorry, I had second thoughts. I don't think it would work either. Good luck with your search" so, now I know the obvious.