I love him so much, and I want to just move on... But, I can't.

[PhillyBella28]

Disclaimer: My ex is Bipolar, not medicated

 

Ok,so this is my first time posting here. I'm gonna try to not make this to lengthy, but I highly doubt it. First, i'm a 28 year old female, and I was in a 2 year off/on again relationship with a 20 year old male. I know that right there is the first red flag, but let me explain. Me and my ex met in January 2010. I was living out of state when we met, and we decided to start something long distant and eventually, in May 2010, I moved to the state where he is from and lives (where I am now). He actually flew down to get me, and we drove back to this current state. He is also a father, he has twin boys, and he introduced me to them as "mommy". Before I moved here, they would see my picture and say "is that mommy?" and he would always reply "yes". He had his children a week before he turned 17, and when he was 18, he went to court, fought for sole custody of his children, and WON. That right there is what sparked my attraction to him. I've never seen an 18 year old look for a job, let alone pay legal fees, and battle the court system for his children. I saw that and said "wow, he's really responsible and has his stuff together". On top of that, I want children more than anything, and we both desired a real family, so we both shared the same family ethic. So, I moved here to be with him. And things were great for a long time. We were officially engaged, didn't have a date set, but figured we would hit the court house and have a small reception at the house. We were both working, made good money, and had a real solid family. So solid, that once the kids hit that terrible two's moment, we put the decision to have a 3rd child on hold (it was really terrible lol). I loved being a wife/mother. And he loved that I love being that. We were a family, and it got to the point where he didn't make moves without me knowing. The kids woke up in the morning demanding me and not him. But, by that time, we was in love and happy. We had a bond/trust that neither of us felt/seen before. We was open about everything, our desires, hopes, goals, dreams... Even was planning buying a house. We was sexually compatible 100%, we both are incredibly adventurous, and I'm the only woman that is aware that he is very Bicurious and he wanted to try a man. I never judged him being that I'm bisexual myself, but hung that lifestyle up because I was with him. He would often hold me at night and say how much he loved me and that he loves that I love him and the kids unconditionally, that I accept him with all his flaws.

 

Then came September 2010. That's when i started noticing the distancing/constantly cling. It was either one or the other, never an in between like it was. Some days, he rarely spoke to me, then there were other days where whenever I turned around, he was literally right behind me. I learned later that the constant cling was because he had cheated on me the night before, and was trying to "re-compensate" for it. He then one day said "I'm not attracted to you anymore". It broke my heart. We then broke up, and I flew back down to where I came from. He said I was gone a total of 5 hours before the "Oh ****, what did I do" feelings came. His "not being attracted to me anymore" was stemmed from a woman that ran the daycare our children had went to. She constantly felt the need to interfere in our relationship (Since she was paid by the state we live in, when I found this out, I filed a misconduct report against her). So of course, he hit me with the "I'm sorry" and I came back 2 weeks later. The boys never went to that daycare again and we did good for some time. Then we split again. Why? Not sure. Well, We did this back and fourth thing for some time, throughout 2011 and into this year.

 

We recently reconnected again around February-March and he made the revelation to me that he had a very bad prescription pill problem and he knew that was why he was so bad towards me. His using was so bad, he resorted to snorting the pills to get high. He said now at that time, that he's clean, we can be together, be happy, and he won't have those same friends he did. Well, I was still very much in love with him at that time, and said Ok. We tried again, and it lasted about 2 1/2 weeks. This was into March or so. And since I was his woman again, he didn't have internet access, whereas I do, so I was doing job searches/job applications online for him. Then out of the blue, no contact. I didn't hear from him for almost 3 weeks after that. I would text/email him job prospects and he never responded. So finally, one day 2 weeks ago, I sent him an email along with his resume (that I made) and said I don't know what else to do with this since your not communicating with me. What does he do? He texts me saying "Please, just leave me alone. I have a girl now, and i'm actually happy. I'm ignoring you on purpose, and I have no need to talk to you anymore. Goodbye".

 

I swear, in that moment, I really felt the atomic bomb drop on me. I never felt so weightless. I cried uncontrollably, and I didn't know what to say or do. Within the hour, I checked his Facebook. His marital status went from "Single" to "In a relationship", tagged her name to it, and even changed his profile pic to a picture taken of him and her. And I even noticed a silver engagement band on his right hand. It shook me. I spoke with his mom some time after that. She said he met her about a month and a half ago (literally met her, its not like they were friends and then reconnected). His mom also did let me know that she is being evicted out of her apartment, and my ex lived with his mom from last year. And she is actually in the process of moving out now. She then informed me that he is now living with his new girlfriend, along with the kids. He moved in a week after they became "official". His mom says she doesn't really know her. The only thing she knows is that she does work, have her own place, and has 2 cars. But that's all she knows. She doesn't know the girl personally, but did say she was good with the kids as in providing for them. His mom did say this to me though: I'm so sorry for how he has treated you over the past 2 years. I didn't raise him to be like that. That statement was like salt on a wound, then tried to put a band-aid over it. It made me more upset than feeling better. I gave him 2 years of real and pure love. She gives him less than 2 months and they are engaged to be married.

 

Everyone I speak to about this says the same thing "It won't last, you know he always does this, and he's gonna come back to you, he always does". Which is true. He would be with someone, say he loves her, but then we always wind up talking to each other again, and the cycle starts all over. It starts out pretty casual, but then it changes into a sexual conversation, then he's demanding to see me. But, a part of me this time, feels like he's gone for good. Like he may be really happy with this girl. But then, my male friends, have a different opinion. They say "yea, he's saying he's happy. What he's not saying is how he knew his mother was being evicted, he needed a place to stay to get on his feet, and he found a woman that would make that happen. He knew YOU wouldn't allow him to stay in your house and not pay anything, but yet, you take care of him and 2 kids. He had to move fast, so he hooked up with this girl, told you to leave him alone to stop any mind changing and he's gonna do this until he is where he wants to be." And I kinda believe that more since he did tell me when we were just on a "friend's basis" that he was looking for a leg up, a hand out since he wasn't working at that time. He didn't have money and his mom was always broke. He found a "cash cow" sort of speak. He did find a job last week sometime in the fast food industry. And he just posted a picture of a tattoo he got today (tagged his current girlfriend to it obviously). Although, I did notice him and his girlfriend really don't talk online. No, correction, they don't talk online at all. She may like one or two status updates, but that's it. He doesn't post as much as he did either. Nothing to indicate that he's fully happy. When he was with me, he always made posts, about what we're doing, pictures, and we communicated online just as much as we did in person. But with that said, my male friends had an answer to that too. They said "because he doesn't want no one to mess up his game right now. So he's keeping this one under wraps. The ring means nothing. The fact that his main pic of him and her mean nothing, it may be something she requested, or he felt he needed to do to keep you away." And the best advice about a man, comes from a man. And they apparently see game here, but I guess being a woman, I feel he may be happy.

 

I just don't see how a woman can give a man everything he wants/needs, and he just does this. I'm in school, working, living on my own as well. But, I would never put myself in a bad financial situation by letting him and his kids move in with me, as much as I love them. That would put all of us in a bad bind. But, I guess that was a chance this girl was willing to take, with someone she really didn't know. I'm not asking if he's gonna come back. I'm not asking ways to get him back. I'm just asking, what can I do to move on? He was such a big part of me. I really loved being a wife/mother. I love him and those kids with every ounce of me. And it's just so hard to let go. And seeing him with someone else, and he gives her basically what I gave him over 2 years, just shattered me. I don't know what else to do. He's on my mind all the time, and I just can't get him off. I want these feelings to go away. I know I keep seeing time heals all wounds, but this wound is so big, I really feel I will never move forward. Like this is an extra baggage I will always carry. I want to start dating again, and maybe find my happiness like he apparently found his. But, it's just so hard. I've tried the going out, meeting new people, spending time alone, taking myself out, etc. But it does not help! I really don't know what else to do at this point.

[january2011]

You are still only weeks from the latest break-up with him. You are going to need more time.

 

You are still thinking about your ex and your emotions are still tied up with him. You need time to rebuild your life. To stabilise your emotions. Focus on work and school. Keep going out with friends. However, I would not recommend dating for at least another 6-12 months.

 

And make sure you go NC. Unfriend him from Facebook and delete his contact details wherever you have them stored. Do not check up on him and do not contact his family for news. You need to focus on healing and don't need the distractions.

[flitzanu]

just curious, was it not weird for a 17 year old kid to introduce you to his kids as "mommy" when you had no relation to them and had never met them?

 

that seems a little...crazy.

[Zabs]

Hey hun!

 

I am sorry to hear about your troubles...it is quite a mix. Flitz is right though. Any person who is so willing to label another person with a tag of responsibility like 'Mommy ' or 'Daddy' so early on is VERY needy.

 

He is obviously searching for something but as people with BP suffer from intense mood swings, it is very difficult to be all.

 

Two things I would say to you is 1..get yourself some additional support. A really good resource is the one for people with Bi Polar/ Borderline Personality Disorder and they offer support to people who have either diagnosis or thier significant others. It will do much to help you understand the cycles and also to decide whether this is something you can do ultimately. It really could be either or because of the characteristics you describe.

 

2. If he truly 'loves' you, he will realsie that it doesn't matter how many times he tries to 're-create' the 'ideal', that it can only be satisfied by the person to whom his heart belongs. I know this because that has been my experience of my own previous relationship.

 

Much love,

 

Zabs xxx