favoritepills Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I'm on Day 8 of NC after getting dumped by my first love. I can't believe I made it this far when Days 1 and 2 seemed so bleak and dreary. I cried, I mourned, I had no idea what to do and no friends to turn to (I spent so much time on the relationship that I didn't really make any new friends). But each day I get a little bit stronger, each day I have a clearer vision of the way forward. So, I wanted to maintain an NC Diary to document my emotions and progress. My roommate was incredibly helpful in getting me through that horrendous first week. She made sure I got my heartbroken ass out of the house every day, doing something new. She's a fitness buff, so on Day 4 I joined her at her Walk/Run Club. I realized just how out of shape I was when my calves ached from simply WALKING. It was a humbling moment. Throughout the walk I feared I would cramp up and have to go back home before I could finish, but I said to myself, "I have to commit to this. I'll keep going, one step at a time." And halfway through the walk, the burning sensation went away and I actually made it through! It was a great feeling -- the endorphin high helped, too. Today, as I was walking further than I had in a long time, I realized that my breakup recovery progress was much like my Walk/Run Club experience: there's a lot of pain at first, but I push myself to keep going forward anyway, and eventually the pain goes away on its own, little by little. I know I'll continue to have ups and downs (I've been told the healing process is often two steps forward, one step back) as I forge ahead, but I'll keep on keeping on until I'm where I need to be. This is my chance to take stock, fix myself, and get my life back. One step at a time. 2
AlisaMarie Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Great JOB! Trust me, the first week is the most difficult, and if you made it through while already working on you and pushing yourself- you are making better progress than most! I am almost 6 month NC from an emotionally abusive 2 year relationship that really messed me up. My first couple weeks were so hard, and I still have my ups and downs but I have found comfort in working out and my circle of friends. I love how in your post, you speak nothing of the person that hurt you! It's about YOUR progress and YOUR well being. Kudos! I think you're going to be fine! 1
crazylove Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 So much progress in one week!! Congrat's! I can tell from your post and attitude that you'll come out of this a much stronger and more confident person:)
Mr Scorpio Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 In my experience, if you are on week two then the worst of it is over. Keep walking, eat healthy, try to get plenty of sleep, read positive literature and keep posting!
Author favoritepills Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 Thank you for the encouragement, everyone! The hardest part of coping was that I had no friends to turn to other than my roommate, but I'm glad that the first step I took, the very night he left me, was to go online and find this forum! It's been so helpful, and I hope to get to a place one day where I can be confident in giving other people advice. I love how in your post, you speak nothing of the person that hurt you! It's about YOUR progress and YOUR well being. Kudos! I think you're going to be fine! Thanks! I'm glad I could finally get to that point. I struggled the first week with feeling regretful for the mistakes I made in the relationship (I wanted to contact him so badly, just to apologize), and simply missing him, and hoping he'd change his mind. But what made me finally close the door on him was when he sent me a breadcrumb email saying he's "there if I need him" and that we should "help each other get through this." I realized we were done for good, so I told myself, no more waiting! I don't need his pity! So now, I can finally keep pushing forward and never look back again, never wonder if things will change if I simply contacted him to say sorry. The past is the past. ...Also, I've talked about him and the breakup so many times that I'm getting sick of him, LOL. What makes me able to focus on myself is that I have self-confidence but I can also admit that I have unresolved personal issues that led to the demise of my first relationship. Now, I finally have time to see a counselor, and hopefully I will be a better person for the next guy that comes into my life. I'm grateful for the sense of clarity that this breakup brought me...there was so much that I was blind to in the thick of infatuation! Which is not to say that the relationship was destructive; he's a good guy, I learned a lot from him, and I'm glad it happened. We just weren't ready for "forever." On Days 1 and 2, the worst part of the breakup was the insomnia (and the fact that Days 1 and 2 were on the weekend). I could sleep only 2 hours a night, and then I'd be plagued by miserable thoughts that would keep me from falling back asleep. And I wasn't used to not having his arms around me when I slept. Thankfully, adjusting to sleeping alone was much easier than I expected, especially after I started working out. Turns out, it's easier if I don't force myself to hog the middle of the bed. I accepted that the other side of the bed would be empty, and that's okay, and then I slept peacefully! And then last night I just happened to fall asleep naturally in the middle of the bed. Mornings are a little bit tougher, because thoughts still ambush me the second I wake up, but I'm learning to deal with that. It helps to give myself something to look forward to every morning and focus on thinking about that. I had a full-circle moment yesterday. The morning of Day 1, my roommate took me on a walking trail by the airport and gave me some time to walk by myself. I was doing The Dumpee Walk: baggy black hoodie, crying my eyes out, sad music on my iPod. Yesterday, Day 8, my roomie wasn't home so I walked that same trail myself, in cute workout clothes, my chin up, no tears, listening to Nina Simone's "Feelin' Good." It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me -- and I'm feeling good! 1
Author favoritepills Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 The weekend flew by, something I never thought would happen -- I feared I would have to struggle with weekends and nights alone for a long time. I was looking forward to going to work on Monday and telling my coworkers, "My weekend was fabulous!" (They know about the breakup, and could see how down in the dumps I was the first week.) On Sunday night, he left a very sad sounding voicemail that ended with, "I love you. Still. I guess that's why I called." I was proud of myself for being strong enough to ignore it. If this call came a week ago when I was a wreck, I would have jumped on it desperately and just turned him off more. That night, I was like, "Nuh-uh, I'm not your security blanket!" Then this morning, I got a long email from him saying he made a huge mistake and wanted me back. I haven't responded yet -- figured I'd get advice from here first. My counselor thinks he's a good guy, and that I should start by taking things slow with him, meeting him for coffee, etc. Me, I'm a little worried that my ex is just being impulsive because he's shocked at the fact that he called and emailed and I haven't responded to either of them like a hopelessly devoted puppy. I figure I'll sit on it for a day, to decide what I want to say to him. I'm open to reconciliation if it comes from the right place, but I NEED to be sure a reunion will not stunt the progress of my personal growth. I've come so far now -- I don't want to fall back into old habits.
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