blindesided Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Back on the dating scene after a long marriage. Once I was out of that I figured out what I wasnt looking for in a relationship. I have specific deal-breakers like alcohol abuse, actually any abuse in general...ect.. I dont think I need to bore you with an exact list. I also have a list of what I am looking for - ex: kind, caring, funny...ect... Ok dated one guy (we have since broke up - how I found these boards in the first place) - He had a lot of the major qualities I was looking for plus minor ones like dressed well & my "physical" type & then some not so good minor qualities like smoking, or not being handy around the house, maybe not as "manly" as I usually like - but the good far outweighed the bad (& I realize some of the qualities are very superficial - but as a whole package they do count for something) I really fell for him but: He broke up with me (we were in different stages in our life - he wanted kids & marriage - I have been there done that & dont want to go back) Anyway back on the dating scene - met another guy - lots of the major qualities I am looking for again and then minor - he is handy around the house, is well-traveled, more "manly" ect.. and the not so good minor qualities - he really isnt my "physical" type - although he is attractive, doesnt dress as well as the other guy did ect.. I find myself comparing the two - & not really in a bad way because where new guy lacks - he makes up for in other ways My question is this - I know I will never find a guy out there with every single quality(major & minor) I like - That is a fantasy & fairy tale & I am not that naive or picky. But when do you decide when you are being too picky? I wish I could take pieces of everyone I have dated & put them together to make my "ideal" man but I know thats impossible How do you narrow down criteria - I mean I would hate to give up a great guy because he dressed poorly or I wasnt as physically attracted to him. Is it truely a case of when you know someone is the right one - you know? I thought that guy #1 could be it - but he broke up with me so my faith is kind of shattered in the whole dating process. Advice?, Thougts?
jennisfora Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 i congratulate you on dating again, you are ahead of me there! i am just not in a good frame of mind for it. my faith is shattered too. i will say, that you can't know unequivocably someone is the one because i think more than one person can fit the bill for what you need, and some fit your needs at the time, and some may fit your needs over time. either way, if it feels right, that is probably enough for now, just be guarded with your emotions until you know he is on board. i dont know who is right for me anymore, because i truly believed i found him. and now, he's gone. in my situation, i was the one ready to settle down, and he was the one that wasn't, but, still different places in life, and different dreams/goals. it's tough, i wish you luck, and keep us posted. i'm envious you are there all ready. i do not know when i will be. *hugs*
Professor X Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 You are to picky - I can tell you that much. And besides, with all due respect, I find it laughable that guy #1 (one, first, ono) shattered your trust in dating, I mean, not only is he the first experience you had after a long time, but also he broke up with due for a super legitimate reason, if he's broken up with you cause you didn't dress well, that'd be one thing, but over marriage and kids. Yea, it's kind of a big deal. Advice? 1. Stop comparing the two, it's unfair to the new guy. 2. Get over yourself, you were married, you thought you knew what you wanted, and see where it lead you. 3. Realize you are way to picky and superficial and if guy #2 is good, than enjoy him for who he is, rather than looking for the bad stuff.
yongyong Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 although he is attractive, doesnt dress as well as the other guy did ect. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WTF? This is worse than being superficial. He is attractive but he is just covering himself with unattractive clothes. then what's wrong? I prefer to meet a beautiful chick in not good looking clothes and weird makeup than a average chick in a fantastic dress and nice makeup. Because after those 'shells' are gone, who's going to look prettier? (you see this kind of chick all the time on 'what not to wear') Think about this. you are naked with him on the bed. would you still like him? Changing style is very easy. Changing the shape beneath those clothes are impossible. If you like him naked, stay with him and motivate him to change his style.
firehawk_1 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 sadly women can neve realise if they are being too picky and unrealistic and when confronted they always say "I wont settle for anything less". do they even know what it means? certainly NOT! you MUST be realistic and not naive or in lala land. you will NEVER find the person you want to be with if you are far up its as simple as that. life is too short and you would just be going round and round in endless circles, going from one guy to the next and wasting ALOT of valuable time (weeks, months and even years). just my 2 cents from experience and reality. not lala land
loveabides Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 There is absolutely nothing wrong with have desires in what you are looking for in a mate. However, you need to determine what is important and what makes a lasting relationship. Every relationship you have had in the past should have been a learning lesson. You need to make a list of what you can live with and what you can't live without. Remember, marriage and relationships are about compromise. Just because a guy doesn't meet ALL of your standards, don't think that you meet ALL of his either. It's about give and take. Now, if someone breaks up with you for whatever reason, you have little control over that. But don't miss out on a true, lasting love because of something as insignificant as his dress. Minor things like that can easily be discussed. For example, I never wore dresses and I am 26 years old. In my last relationship, my ex wanted to see me in a dress so I bought one and felt so confident and beautiful in it, now I love dressing very feminine. Now, I'm not saying you should set out to change anyone, but relationships are all about evolving and getting better as a couple. If someone isn't willing to do that, then you don't need to be in a relationship with them.
Author blindesided Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 Thank you for all the replies. I guess I didnt express myself well enough in the original post- I was just making a generalization. I would never break up with someone because they didnt dress well or wasnt handy around the house...ect.. I was just making a point about what one poster said - each relationship is a learning lesson on what I need and want. I know I am too picky sometimes - and thats something I need to work on. Thanks for the reality check
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