eleanorhurting Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Has anyone here ever tried to slow down the physical aspect of things in the beginning? Background: I have been dating someone for a little over a month (I guess if I were to quantify it it would be 10 dates maybe). We were friends before and had an attraction for each other and I feel like once we got to actually going out by ourselves the physical chemistry really took off. We have not had sex but we have fooled around and I think that maybe we started going there too soon. I feel like we are still getting to know each other and although I really like him I just don't want to make the mistake of getting overwhelmed by how good things are physically and not actually evaluate the situation for what it is. Is there any way I can tell him that I would like to take things slower without completely ruining everything? I know that a lot of people here have really bad opinions about women who hold off sex/benefits but I wonder if it is too late. When I come to think of it, for the future, I don't think I would feel comfortable fooling around or doing anything other than kissing with anyone for 2+ months. I am not sure if this is because of my fear of being pumped and dumped though. I am getting to know myself and I think that I would not be comfortable doing anything other than kissing until I am extremely sure of the other person and their intentions and their feelings for me. And the person I am dating really has done nothing to make me unsure but... I still don't feel like I am super sure about the situation I feel like its too early. So If I feel this way then I should definitely set up my boundaries. But how? HOw can I do this and come from an empowered place (like Zen girl has tried to explain to me) and not from an insecure/needy place?
TheFinalWord Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Has anyone here ever tried to slow down the physical aspect of things in the beginning? Background: I have been dating someone for a little over a month (I guess if I were to quantify it it would be 10 dates maybe). We were friends before and had an attraction for each other and I feel like once we got to actually going out by ourselves the physical chemistry really took off. We have not had sex but we have fooled around and I think that maybe we started going there too soon. I feel like we are still getting to know each other and although I really like him I just don't want to make the mistake of getting overwhelmed by how good things are physically and not actually evaluate the situation for what it is. Is there any way I can tell him that I would like to take things slower without completely ruining everything? I know that a lot of people here have really bad opinions about women who hold off sex/benefits but I wonder if it is too late. When I come to think of it, for the future, I don't think I would feel comfortable fooling around or doing anything other than kissing with anyone for 2+ months. I am not sure if this is because of my fear of being pumped and dumped though. I am getting to know myself and I think that I would not be comfortable doing anything other than kissing until I am extremely sure of the other person and their intentions and their feelings for me. And the person I am dating really has done nothing to make me unsure but... I still don't feel like I am super sure about the situation I feel like its too early. So If I feel this way then I should definitely set up my boundaries. But how? HOw can I do this and come from an empowered place (like Zen girl has tried to explain to me) and not from an insecure/needy place? I think you should tell him EXACTLY what you have just told us. How he responds (and more importantly how his actions line up) will tell you a lot about the longevity of the relationship. Communication is going to be critical if you don't want to just get pumped and dumped. These are the things that matter! Speak your mind And if you aren't in an exclusive relationship I think you can be even more clear about were you stand Good luck!
veggirl Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Can you just keep your dates in public? No going back to either of your places will curtail the excessive physicalness. Honestly it seems like you've had a lot of pretty heavy talks with this guy pretty early on...I'd not feel comfortable bringing up another rule or whatever right now.
EasyHeart Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 If a guy really likes you and wants a dating relationship with you (as opposed to simply a sexual relationship) he will let you set the pace. BUT if you tell him that you don't want to have sex for a while, then don't go too far with the physical stuff. Kissing is good, but if you get into regular hot & heavy make out sessions and then make him stop just short of having sex, that's going to piss off a lot of guys. Your actions have to match your words.
FitChick Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 You already knew him as a friend before so you had a foundation before dating, which is more than most people have in dating strangers, so I am surprised that after ten dates you'd be so reticent to escalate things by now. Perhaps you aren't really that attracted to him.
veggirl Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Also, it usually doesn't go over well when you try to go backwards with this kinda stuff. I mean "hey it was cool that we did XYZ but now we can only do X"--it is prob gonna come off as game playing or insecurity. You really should have figured out and enforced your boundaries from the get-go.
NateC Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Communicate. Explain how you feel and see how he responds.
EasyHeart Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Well, she obviously IS attracted to him and she can't go back in time and do things over. She can still walk things back by being open with him and explaining what she's looking for at this time. If he's fine with it, he'll stick around; if he's not, he'll take off.
dasein Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Don't use the terminology "slowing down" or "going too fast," just simply say "sex is important to me and I'm not ready yet." If he's quality, he may whinge a little bit, but won't make a deal of it. Don't suggest arbitrary time limits or number of dates either, just be direct about not being ready without being overspecific. Make sure you aren't rolling around naked in bed with the guy and then cutting him off when he gets turned on. Steer clear of beds, sleepovers, overnight trips and keep all your clothes on when making out. Limit makeout sessions timewise. Good luck. 1
JohnP82 Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 All you can do is have an open dialogue about your feelings. However if I was dating someone and they said they wanted to slow down and pull back physically, I think it would make me seriously question their attraction towards me. I dunno. All you can do is what's best for you and he has to do what's best for him.
JohnP82 Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 a man who slows down the physical aspect gets friendzoned. a man who pushes it gets sex and a relationship if he wants. Yeah I don't know if I completely agree with this, but it's fairly accurate. From my experience the best relationship I've had was when a girl wanted me physically fast. The worst...when she wanted to wait and really get to know each other. The next guy she dated, literally a week out of our year relationship, she was in bed with right away.
Author eleanorhurting Posted April 21, 2012 Author Posted April 21, 2012 The attraction is extremely strong which is why I am having a hard time with this! Well we are not going to see each other for another week and a half so I guess that will buy us time to keep getting to know each other (phone, email, text) and when we do see each other I will try to make it a point to not go back to each other's places. And if things do get hot and heavy then I will tell him how I feel before things get too hot. You guys are right no need to have a serious discussion or have drama at this point.
Recommended Posts