nanbullen Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Why can’t I hate him? Why do I do this to myself. I read the post here….and everybody seems so strong, and even though they are hurting, they want to move on. But I just want him. I want to hear his voice, I want to see his face. I don’t know where to go or who to turn to to make this go away. I have hardly any friends. I haven’t even told most of them we were back together..…and I’m ashamed to admit to them that he hurt me again and I let him. I’m ashamed to let them see me like this over him again. But right now I feel so bad, and I need somebody to talk to so much that I don’t care and would even rather hear “I told you so” than be alone. But everyone I have called is busy…or I just can’t bring myself to say anything is bothering me. I have NO one to talk to, I’m so desperate I even called my ex husband as we’re still kind of friends since we have child together. I wasn’t going to tell him what was wrong….i just wanted to hear a voice of someone that cares even somewhat about me… I am so lonely and I have no one to turn to even just to talk about ANYTHING. My mom is sick and doesn’t even recognize me, but right now I just want to go sit with her. I miss her unconditional love so much. …what I wouldn’t give to hear her tell me she loves me and that everything will be allright. I am such a burden to everybody. I hate this life. If it wasn’t for my daughter, i cant think of one other reason i have to stay alive….i cant think of one other person besides her and my dad that would even miss me. I know I need to stop this and pull myself together. My daughter will wake up soon. I dread facing this endless day. I am ashamed of what I’m saying and thinking, even on an anonymous internet board. I feel like I am repulsive to everybody, even online strangers. I know people experience unimaginable suffering every day, and I feel soooo petty and weak for crying over someone who doesn’t care about me. How do I find the will to get through the minutes of the day? How do I hold myself together for my daughters sake?
darkmoon Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 (edited) see the ex for what he is not for what he made you think he is, no fast way to mend a broken heart, but the sooner you accept what your life is,the sooner you can build it up and improve it, i am sorry about your broken heart (i know how it feels) next time choose a man who proves himself by actions not mere words, such hurt is worse for women who get hooked by sleeping with the wrong man, i am sorry but crying will not cure you but will keep his memory vibrant and thus you remain hooked to the memory - but there's lots of other nice men out there... Edited April 21, 2012 by darkmoon
emface4 Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Cut him out of your life completely. Occupy your mind with other things such as spending time with your daughter and seeing friends. I know how you feel as I have been there all too recently. Go to the doctors if necessary and talk about seeing someone professional. The more you keep in contact, the longer this feeling of hopelessness will last. It is VERY hard but honestly you will feel so much better after some time has passed. You are not repulsive or anything like that. This break up like many break - ups have left you feeling crap and left you with low self esteem. You are beautiful like everybody else is. Try looking on the internet for some happy quotes to pick you up and stick them where you can see them everyday and read them everyday to change your thought patterns from negative to positive. xx
Author nanbullen Posted April 21, 2012 Author Posted April 21, 2012 Thank you both for your replies.it means so much to me that people who don’t know me take the time, and that somebody cares. I have cut him out of my life. We lived together, but that was over a decade ago….now we live in separate states. He hasn’t returned my calls, so to keep myself from calling him and making an even bigger fool out of myself, I deleted/blocked his number, deleted his texts, email address. I was going to keep him on facebook, because neither of us ever really goes on there. Now I realize I need to unfriend him there too. I’m just scared to see his picture right now. My daughter just woke up and I have to try to pull myself up….seeing him will just bring me back down. Also, I don’t want the few mutual friends we have to even know we split up. That’s why I didn’t tell them we were back together. I don’t want to hear “I-told-you-so.” Crying won’t help and I need to move on with friends. I know this. But how? I don’t want to cry. I cant seem to find the will, or the ability to cheer up. I will feel better, I know this. But right now, this hour, this day, how do I cope right now? How do I go see friends and not cry while I’m with them? Nobody wants to be around somebody who’s depressed. I don’t have any friends I am that close to, that they would want to see that. I say I am going to go out, even if it’s to get in my car and drive…. then I start driving, have this anxiety attack type feeling, and start feeling really sad, and I just go back home. I love going to the gym, especially when I’m stressed. Right now, I cant even imagine going for a half hour, much less an hour and a half. He may not be right for me and he may not love me anymore…..but I know he loved me before. I know this with my heart. When somebody loves you, you just know it. Those are the things I cant forget. When we broke up 12 years ago, we told each other we would always love each other even if we weren’t together. And all these years I carried that in my heart. I don’t know wha’ts real anymore, if everything I ever believed was wrong. I’m sorry I’m being so negative. I don’t mean to sound like I don’t want to help myself, and just want to wallow in misery. I want to feel better more than anything!
darkmoon Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 do you see a bit of clinical depression? cuz i see that if you are not even going to the gym and you like it so then i see a big cloud tbh
blindesided Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Im sorry you are feeling so bad - I know exactly where you are coming from. I have been there & some days are still there. Other days seem bearable to actually ok. If you feel you cant vent to friends then this is the next best place to get it out. A quote I read recently helps in the dark times:"If you are depressed you are living in the past, If you are anxious you are living in the future, If you are at peace you are living in the present." Just live in the moment - I have a son & I know sometimes its hard to put a happy face on for him - but just try to relish being with your daughter - give her an extra hug - try to find one happy thing that day - even if it is the sun shining or that your daughter is healthy and happy. I hop ethat helps & it helps to know you are not alone - all of us on here have suffered 1
geegirl Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I'm sorry and sad to read your posts. I can feel your pain and hurt. If you want to cry, cry. You are going through a loss, relatively close to a death in your life. Grieving helps purge the bad feelings and everytime you cry and let that pain out, you re-emerge and replenish when you flush all those bad emotions out. Granted those bad feelings will be back but that is the process of grieving. If you repress and ignore them hoping they will go away, it will only fester and make you feel worse. It's normal to feel bad. It's normal to even feel that life is not worth living anymore. You've suffered disappointment from the man you love, not once but twice in your life. It's understandable that you feel devastated and broken. It would be wise to delete him from FB and completely cut your ties from him. The only way you can cope is one minute, one hour at a time Nan. It's hard. There is no other way. I have been there. It almost seems time is at a standstill. Seems daunting, the constant thought that you will never feel good again. But you will. It won't always be this way. If you don't have the strength to get out that's fine. It took me a couple of weeks to even get out of the house, only because I had to go to work that I had to drag myself out of my room after week one. There is no rule that you should be out and about and faking it till you make it. Take your time and grieve. While you are emotionally and mentally depleted, you must nourish yourself physically. You must eat well because if you feel physically well, even just a bit, it will alleviate the burden on your body and mind. But in time you will have to force yourself to get out. Little baby steps. Try to go out and take a walk. If you are spiritual, try to reconnect by going for service or even reading uplifting words. If you can't muster meeting your friends, try cooking a meal and inviting someone you trust over and have a quiet time together. Go to the library and read a self-help book as I have found that if you can't make sense of it emotionally, it helps when you can mentally. Go to the park and take a notebook and write or take your daughter with you and have a picnic. If you have to do it for her, you will force yourself to get up. For now, it's okay to wallow, just don't stay there too long. You want love and to be loved and he's taken that away from you. It's okay to feel sad and to feel like the world is caving in on you. These are unfortunately feelings that you will have to go through to get past. You're going through what most of us have been through so don't be so hard on yourself. Post here and vent here and never feel that you're being negative or apologize for posting your thoughts and feelings. I think more than anything, letting it out in some way will help you release these feelings and hopefully the wise words from posters here will help you separate your idealizations of this man and hopefully come to the realities of who he really is. You don't see it now but this man clearly had commitment issues and even when there is love, it is never enough.
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Why can’t I hate him? Why do I do this to myself. I read the post here….and everybody seems so strong, and even though they are hurting, they want to move on. But I just want him. I want to hear his voice, I want to see his face. I don’t know where to go or who to turn to to make this go away. I have hardly any friends. I haven’t even told most of them we were back together..…and I’m ashamed to admit to them that he hurt me again and I let him. I’m ashamed to let them see me like this over him again. But right now I feel so bad, and I need somebody to talk to so much that I don’t care and would even rather hear “I told you so” than be alone. But everyone I have called is busy…or I just can’t bring myself to say anything is bothering me. I have NO one to talk to, I’m so desperate I even called my ex husband as we’re still kind of friends since we have child together. I wasn’t going to tell him what was wrong….i just wanted to hear a voice of someone that cares even somewhat about me… I am so lonely and I have no one to turn to even just to talk about ANYTHING. My mom is sick and doesn’t even recognize me, but right now I just want to go sit with her. I miss her unconditional love so much. …what I wouldn’t give to hear her tell me she loves me and that everything will be allright. I am such a burden to everybody. I hate this life. If it wasn’t for my daughter, i cant think of one other reason i have to stay alive….i cant think of one other person besides her and my dad that would even miss me. I know I need to stop this and pull myself together. My daughter will wake up soon. I dread facing this endless day. I am ashamed of what I’m saying and thinking, even on an anonymous internet board. I feel like I am repulsive to everybody, even online strangers. I know people experience unimaginable suffering every day, and I feel soooo petty and weak for crying over someone who doesn’t care about me. How do I find the will to get through the minutes of the day? How do I hold myself together for my daughters sake? Now you just stop this right now. Are you listening to yourself? Read your post over again...Is this all because of some guy who didn't have the decency to treat you the way you should be treated? Pardon me, but it is HE who should be feeling all of those things, not you. I will pull you up by your bra straps as best I can, but you need to take a deep breath and remember what it was like before you met this guy. You weren't born with him as an appendage; you can certainly survive without him. And what's this about feeling lonely? Do something extra nice for yourself that you haven't done in awhile. Maybe a pedicure. Maybe soak your feet in a warm tub with bubbles and lavender scent. Take a nature walk and appreciate all the little things we take for granted in our daily lives. Are there flowers blooming where you are? Take your camera with you and capture all the lovely things that are happening out there. You will recover from this; cry it out, but try not to make it a habit; get your body moving; if you lay around while feeling this way, it will magnify. Get rid of all tangible memories of this fellow and regroup. You can do this. Cut all ties from him=-he is not worthy to hear your voice ever again. He just made room in your life for good things. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Thank you both for your replies.it means so much to me that people who don’t know me take the time, and that somebody cares. I have cut him out of my life. We lived together, but that was over a decade ago….now we live in separate states. He hasn’t returned my calls, so to keep myself from calling him and making an even bigger fool out of myself, I deleted/blocked his number, deleted his texts, email address. I was going to keep him on facebook, because neither of us ever really goes on there. Now I realize I need to unfriend him there too. I’m just scared to see his picture right now. My daughter just woke up and I have to try to pull myself up….seeing him will just bring me back down. Also, I don’t want the few mutual friends we have to even know we split up. That’s why I didn’t tell them we were back together. I don’t want to hear “I-told-you-so.” Crying won’t help and I need to move on with friends. I know this. But how? I don’t want to cry. I cant seem to find the will, or the ability to cheer up. I will feel better, I know this. But right now, this hour, this day, how do I cope right now? How do I go see friends and not cry while I’m with them? Nobody wants to be around somebody who’s depressed. I don’t have any friends I am that close to, that they would want to see that. I say I am going to go out, even if it’s to get in my car and drive…. then I start driving, have this anxiety attack type feeling, and start feeling really sad, and I just go back home. I love going to the gym, especially when I’m stressed. Right now, I cant even imagine going for a half hour, much less an hour and a half. He may not be right for me and he may not love me anymore…..but I know he loved me before. I know this with my heart. When somebody loves you, you just know it. Those are the things I cant forget. When we broke up 12 years ago, we told each other we would always love each other even if we weren’t together. And all these years I carried that in my heart. I don’t know wha’ts real anymore, if everything I ever believed was wrong. I’m sorry I’m being so negative. I don’t mean to sound like I don’t want to help myself, and just want to wallow in misery. I want to feel better more than anything! I've told people this before, but if you want a quick laugh, go on over to the Sex boards...Some of that stuff is hilarious;) 1
emface4 Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Your friends will understand believe me! They love you and care about you so they will give you thier shoulder to cry on x
sweetheart5381 Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 We've been there. We know how you feel and it is totally normal, you are not crazy. It takes time to process everything emotionally. It doesn't happen overnight where love is concerned. It's incredibly hard when you feel alone and feel that you can't talk to anyone. I know personally as a single mother of 3 how difficult it can be to be the "rock" to everyone, but crumbling on the inside. You are also very, very stong for reaching out for help and understanding by others. It's not easy to admit how you feel, you deserve alot of credit for coming to LS. Keep coming back, don't keep the ****ty feelings inside, let them out - your pain will help another down the line. Pay it forward so to speak.
HollyBolly Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I've told people this before, but if you want a quick laugh, go on over to the Sex boards...Some of that stuff is hilarious;) Tried your suggestion and actually felt a bit ill afterwards. Got me thinking about my ex having sex with men.
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Tried your suggestion and actually felt a bit ill afterwards. Got me thinking about my ex having sex with men. Eeek:( Sorry about that:( Not my intention to make you feel ill...Would it make you chuckle if i told you that I CAN picture my ex with other men?? LOL...
HollyBolly Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Eeek:( Sorry about that:( Not my intention to make you feel ill...Would it make you chuckle if i told you that I CAN picture my ex with other men?? LOL... Not really, love, but thanks for trying. Funny picture, though, I'm sure for you. 1
Jadempk Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 For 2 weeks I was like fu** the world noone understands how I feel, we had something special,ect. I wouldn't take advice and I just wanted to cry all day and never leave my bed. Crying is actually GOOD it makes you feel better - it's not a useless thing the body dose. I work with kids and it really helps me take my mind off things because they are so naive, and sweet but have a great view of the world. Spending time with your daughter will help. There are always people online and I have talked so many people's ears off... For me it really has helped...keeping busy is helping but I have my days. Life goes on and so will you, it's true. I know a bit of how you feel and it sucks but I also know that it can only get better from here keep keeping on 1
jennisfora Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Nan, just wanted to say, i know where you are coming from. sometimes my son is the reason i get up in the morning. sometimes i feel like a disappointment and a failure. i thought things were going so well, now i feel like an idiot for not seeing any signs plus my family was less than sympathetic, and actually made my life hell for a while. saying stuff like i told you so, and i told you he was too good to be true. i knew it wouldnt work out. or calling him a jerk and an a-hole to "be on my side." i just didnt want to hear any of it, because i loved this person, it hurt me to hear it, but i knew they tried to be supportive, in their own way. but what i would like you to know is this, there is no crime in loving someone. you wanted to give him another chance, and you did. your friends will be more understanding than you may realize. they want to be there for you. sometimes we can do our best, and things dont work out, and it isn't always anyone's fault. it just can't work, and there is nothing you can do to make it work, but it is okay to love. you didn't fail. he failed you. *hugs*
Author nanbullen Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 Wow, thanks everybody for all this support. It has made me feel so much better to know that y’all care enough to take the time to respond. One of the worst things about this has been feeling so lonely, like I have absolutely nowhere to turn. I feel completely worthless. This place is awesome!! I’m going to see the doctor on Tuesday, I got 3 self-help books (on top of the 4 I’m still reading!). I spent all day yesterday with my daughter, shopping, going out to eat, etc. Although, the past two days haven’t been as bad as I thought they’d be. The mornings and last night I was a basket case….but during the actual day, like right now, my anger kind of balances out my sadness. Unfortunately, I think the reason I don’t feel as bad as I think I will eventually is because I’m in a state of denial. Not all the time, but during most of the day. What I can’t accept is that he would just break up with me by ignoring me. Why not just tell me things aren’t working out, or he realized he doesn’t love me anymore, or my insecurity drove him away, or whatever. Why not just tell me something? The last time we broke up I moved 100’s of miles away and I NEVER ever tried to contact him, ever. So it’s not I’m a stalker! I CAN’T believe I’m that bad of a judge of character. I’ve been with men that treated me like garbage and I knew they were a**holes, but I justified and rationalized their behavior, and stayed in the relationship until they broke up with me, or I finally got to the point I couldn’t take it anymore. But, “deep down” I knew they were doing me wrong (or I was letting them). I was just scared to leave because I ‘m codependent or afraid of abandonment or whatever. But not this man. No, he is not perfect. He has commitment issues, he may even have some psychiatric disorder for all I know. But this is NOT his personality. I know I have problems beyond having a broken heart. I’m depressed, I have other issues big and small. But, I’m not this clueless. Come on, I am in my 30’s, college degree, work in a profession where I deal with, and talk with people all day. I would have to be completely insane to be misled to this extent. I don’t get it! It is so hard for me to accept that I gave my love, my self, everything I could. I felt so loved by this person and I believed in him. Where is that person? This is not the man I knew. It sounds so cliché, but I need closure. Then I could at least get on with complete misery and despair, and then get past it. As it is right now, I keep thinking he is just mad and he will call in a few days like always. He’ll turn everything around, so I feel everything is my fault because my insecurity made him not want to talk to me, he’ll tell me he loves me, and I’ll end up apologizing for stressing him out! That’s what usually happens. This is a death by 1000 tiny cuts, but they're not tiny. More like I get stabbed in the heart and as soon as I’m about to pass out from the pain, he gives me some pain medicine, so he can stab me again, and it keeps happening over and over and over….
maya.arrow Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I feel for you. I'm going through a lot of pain at this moment too, and sometimes all I want to do is stay in bed. One thing some very wise people have told me is that all feelings pass. It is literally impossible to hold on to a single feeling forever. So sometimes, when I am feeling just clenched up with pain and all I want to do is scream, I just concentrate on breathing and telling myself...this is going to pass. And it's true. Sometimes it takes a couple hours, but my mind starts to wander from the pain, and before I know it, I am thinking about something completely different. The pain returns, of course, but it's always in waves. The waves get smaller with time. When you are feeling that panic, just remind yourself that your brain is incapable of holding on to it forever...just like, unfortunately, you can't feel happiness forever. You can't feel pain forever too.
Author nanbullen Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 That's what I've been telling myself. I read that all emotions and feelings are necessary and normal, and that we wouldn't be able to experience joy if we didn't experience sorrow. I just wait for that "clenched up" up feeling to pass. At least i'm at a point where sometimes i feel furious at him for the way he treated me, not just feeling miserable all the time. I wish i could just stay angry at him all the time. Honestly, I wish I didn't care enough about him to have any emotion towards him at all. That's what makes me so mad. He doesn't deserve anything from me, not even anger. I feel like I'm letting myself down, that I allowed somebody to have this much power over how I feel.
maya.arrow Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 It's really really hard to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship--which it sounds like you were in--but once you have broken the cycle, it can only get better. I was with someone who was just horrible to me for four years. There was a point when I could have left him, but I decided to give it all I had, and then it was too late. By the end of our relationship, I didn't have the self-esteem to leave, and I had felt that I didn't want to waste all I had invested. The good times were so good, I started to crave them like a drug, and did everything I could to try and keep things good. But the reality was, the bad times overwhelmingly outnumbered the good. I also thought I loved him...but I realise now that I was just afraid of being alone. I managed to leave by putting distance between us, and strangely enough, I started to feel so free! It was so much better being alone and done with the waves of up and down, down, down. I know you feel like you are in the depths of despair, but once you get over missing some form of intimacy in your life, I think you will start to feel that freedom. It's probably not HIM you miss, but being close with someone. Stay mad! It's healthy at this stage! Start writing a diary and force yourself to say good things about yourself, write things you are grateful for. It will feel forced at first, but it helps!
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