Recusant Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 (edited) ***Warning - very long post*** Hey loveshack, I need some advice. I am a 36 years old, single guy. I'm handsome and in shape, dress well, work full time, have friends, a car and a motorcycle. Never married, no kids. In my teens and most of my 20's, I was with many different girls. Had a couple loving relationships, however none that lasted longer than 1 year. So I remember what it's like being with someone special and I'm desiring to have that again in my life. Backstory. So in 2002 I was living with my girlfriend. We were in love. I knew she had depression, but was taking medication and talked to a therapist, so I thought she was doing okay. In June 2002 she killed herself inside our apartment while I was sleeping. I woke up to that. I never got therapy to deal with what happened, instead I got drunk and stoned every night for the next year and wound up in the hospital. It pretty much destroyed me. I haven't touched a woman since. Until recently. For a long time I simply avoided women, I didn't want anything to do with them. Then I would try to meet/pick up, but I had no success. I lacked confidence, didn't care enough, and had forgotten what women find attractive. February this year, I joined some dating sites. Went on several dates, even had two girlfriends and lost them. Two that I really liked. So I'm writing this with a sad heart from my last girlfriend. She said be mine last week Thursday, Sunday morning I was single again. What attracted her to me (she said) was that A) I seemed like a real man, and B) That I was dominant. Guess she was wrong. Turns out I'm a weak little pussy and a puppy-like follower. I shouldn't have made her my girlfriend. I'm really not ready to be in a relationship. I'm too insecure right now, too needy of affection. Please advise. I have serious trust issues. Abandonment issues still linger. Please advise. I have intimacy issues. I would cuddle and cling too much. I'm all mushy and pathetic in bed. I forgot how to be a good lover. Please advise. I'm not attentive enough. I forgot how to listen. I forgot how to pick up on signals. Please advise. Please help! My heart can't take this finding someone special then losing her again. Tell me, loveshack: Am I supposed to just be having fun right now? To like, get some practice and learn everything over again? It sucks losing girlfriends I am really into, because I forgot how to be a boyfriend. Edited April 21, 2012 by Recusant
HHC Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Have you said goodbye to your girlfriend? Have you let her go from your heart? Have you forgiven yourself for her killing herself and you not being there to stop her?
Author Recusant Posted April 21, 2012 Author Posted April 21, 2012 (edited) Have you said goodbye to your girlfriend? Yes, and I forgave her. Have you let her go from your heart? No. Have you forgiven yourself for her killing herself and you not being there to stop her? I was alseep so I couldn't stop her. I don't know if I ever felt guilty. Edited April 21, 2012 by Recusant
Titania22 Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Thankyou for sharing your story. What you have been through is big, and you have dealt with it the best way you could. I suggest just being gentle with yourself, take baby steps, and accept that over time you will find someone you can share a real connection with. On some level you are probably concerned about the same thing happening again, but your life has moved on, and that is extremely unlikely. I wish you all the best in your journey.
Author Recusant Posted April 21, 2012 Author Posted April 21, 2012 Thankyou for sharing your story. What you have been through is big, and you have dealt with it the best way you could. I suggest just being gentle with yourself, take baby steps, and accept that over time you will find someone you can share a real connection with. On some level you are probably concerned about the same thing happening again, but your life has moved on, and that is extremely unlikely. I wish you all the best in your journey. Thanks Titania22. I can accept that it will take time to find the right someone. I felt something real special going with this last girlfriend of mine, but I totally blew it by being too weak and needy and insecure. I'm trying to avoid that in the future!
yongyong Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 One day, you might feel like you can confess about your past and current feelings you have. I advise not to do it.......... If she leaves you, then I think you can no longer trust any women.
runner Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 i am so sorry about your gf. and 10 years is a long time to be dating again. have you thought about seeking therapy, even now ? why or why not ?
Titania22 Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Thanks Titania22. I can accept that it will take time to find the right someone. I felt something real special going with this last girlfriend of mine, but I totally blew it by being too weak and needy and insecure. I'm trying to avoid that in the future! These things happen, but it's also important to remember that what is needy and insecure to one woman might be sensitive and attentive to another. So the line you might be looking for, is the one where you are true to who you truly are. When you are standing within your own true self, it won't matter if some women don't think you are right for whatever reason, you will feel better about yourself. And you are bound to find a woman who thinks you are just the perfect amount of needy/attentive, sensitive/weak.
Author Recusant Posted April 21, 2012 Author Posted April 21, 2012 i am so sorry about your gf. and 10 years is a long time to be dating again. have you thought about seeking therapy, even now ? why or why not ? I'm not considering therapy. It's been ten years... Instead I ask questions and take advise, and think.
runner Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I'm not considering therapy. It's been ten years... Instead I ask questions and take advise, and think. ten years indeed. you'd be surprised at what sticks around... in any case, best to you.
amantis Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 The best you can do is date , date , date , date . You only learn when you spend time with them I had a date last week , i had to travel 2 hours to see her . Now i know that i want someone close to me . When you go on dates , have fun , relax and dont take them too serious . Have sex , do whatever you feel like ,and dont feel that you are a pussy , you just need confidence .
truth_seeker Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 ***Warning - very long post*** Hey loveshack, I need some advice. I am a 36 years old, single guy. I'm handsome and in shape, dress well, work full time, have friends, a car and a motorcycle. Never married, no kids. In my teens and most of my 20's, I was with many different girls. Had a couple loving relationships, however none that lasted longer than 1 year. So I remember what it's like being with someone special and I'm desiring to have that again in my life. Backstory. So in 2002 I was living with my girlfriend. We were in love. I knew she had depression, but was taking medication and talked to a therapist, so I thought she was doing okay. In June 2002 she killed herself inside our apartment while I was sleeping. I woke up to that. I never got therapy to deal with what happened, instead I got drunk and stoned every night for the next year and wound up in the hospital. It pretty much destroyed me. I haven't touched a woman since. Until recently. For a long time I simply avoided women, I didn't want anything to do with them. Then I would try to meet/pick up, but I had no success. I lacked confidence, didn't care enough, and had forgotten what women find attractive. February this year, I joined some dating sites. Went on several dates, even had two girlfriends and lost them. Two that I really liked. So I'm writing this with a sad heart from my last girlfriend. She said be mine last week Thursday, Sunday morning I was single again. What attracted her to me (she said) was that A) I seemed like a real man, and B) That I was dominant. Guess she was wrong. Turns out I'm a weak little pussy and a puppy-like follower. I shouldn't have made her my girlfriend. I'm really not ready to be in a relationship. I'm too insecure right now, too needy of affection. Please advise. I have serious trust issues. Abandonment issues still linger. Please advise. I have intimacy issues. I would cuddle and cling too much. I'm all mushy and pathetic in bed. I forgot how to be a good lover. Please advise. I'm not attentive enough. I forgot how to listen. I forgot how to pick up on signals. Please advise. Please help! My heart can't take this finding someone special then losing her again. Tell me, loveshack: Am I supposed to just be having fun right now? To like, get some practice and learn everything over again? It sucks losing girlfriends I am really into, because I forgot how to be a boyfriend. Man, my heart goes out to you. I've never experienced what you have with your gf, but I am feeling like you these days with trust and abandonment issues. I would advise seeking out a therapist who can help you with these issues. You need to talk to someone about this. Confront your fears. Work on them. In time, you will be a better person and learn how to live with that experience, and be able to move forward. You should be having fun! I've learned the more experienced you get, the less phased I become dealing with women. Try dating a couple of women but don't freak out and try to make one replace your late gf. Work through your issues with a therapist and casually date some women to work off the rust.
FitChick Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I'm wondering if you have had a pattern of dating depressed women. Why did your serious relationships end after a year? Were they like your mother? We tend to gravitate toward the familiar, no matter how unproductive the results. We form beliefs based on our experiences. You need to figure out which belief(s) are driving your behavior. Some guesses: I'm not lovable, women always leave me, I'm not good enough. Eliminate that/those beliefs and your behavior will change. The best way, based on my experience, is with the Lefkoe Method. Lot faster and more effective than conventional talk therapy. The main website Have a look around and see if it seems like something that would work for you. Then call for a phone session or try out the free interactive website to get a sense of the process. I personally would do a phone session first because it can target your beliefs specifically and then you'd get more out of the interactive website, but since you sound averse to any therapy, the interactive one might suit you better. When you sign up you will get weekly links to a very information, helpful blog.
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