Girlfriend Wants Time to Think and Figure Herself Out... s Welcome

April 21, 2012

So let me preface this by saying the story is quite long. But I want to get honest opinions from the community and the best way I think I can do this, is to try and give a solid backstory through our most recent issues.

To start out, my girlfriend and I have been together 4.5 years. We have are best friends, and have a connection on many levels that is amazing. We share many common life goals, including neither of us believe that we need to get married to have a life long committed relationship, and neither of us want children. We have two 150+ lb dogs that are our children. If anything we have probably spent too much time together because we are best friends and enjoy doing everything from snowboarding to puzzles together.

Last October she turned 30 and has been really contemplating for about the past year what she is going to do career wise. Add into the fact that she moved to be with me about 4 years ago, and has expressed how she desperately misses where she use to live, which is where we both grew up (Southern California.)

About two years ago she lost her grandpa and her dad in a three month period of time. Grandpa naturally, dad due to a tragic accident. Her grandfather raised her and was basically her father. After that she had severe anxiety and was actually put on prozac, the side effects were awful, mainly for our relationship because of her loss of libido and complete numbness to much of that which was going on around her. She would lay in bed till 10-11am and then just glide through her days. Luckily we both work for ourselves so she was still able to get enough work done to support herself. Last summer, I suggested that she get off the Prozac and try medicinal MJ. She agreed and this seemed to make things much better.

During the above time there were also many many other issues that happened in her life that I stood right by her side and supported her fully. Medical issues, health issues with one of our dogs, declining revenues for her business, etc. All things that I know have weighed on her heavily. These things have also weighed on me heavily as well and have worn me down too, but we have always had good communication and we were able to discuss these things and they never overly affected our relationship.

For her 30th birthday I gave her a ring that we called a PFL(Partner For Life) ring. She loved it. While she loved the ring, about 4 months later she found out that I used diamonds from a previous engagement ring that I had for her ring. She is a very rational and logical person, I asked a couple people there thoughts when I did this and they thought she would be ok with it, well both they and I were wrong. She brought this up and has told me that she is not sure she will ever be able to get over this and that she doesn't understand how I could do this to her, the person who I said is the greatest love of my life, yet I gave her a hand me down from a failed relationship. Of course, all this completely makes sense and in hindsight just the fact that I had to ask other people if they thought it was ok should have been a warning sign that I should not have done it. (Dumb Guy Move Number 1)

For Valentines Day we took a 5 day trip to Vail to spend some time together alone with out the dogs and go snowboarding. We had an amazing time there, tons of fun, had a great valentines day, but I messed up and forgot a card. (Dumb Guy Move Number 2)

Even with all of this, I still did my best to be romantic and do nice things for her, tell her she was beautiful, make her breakfast in bed, etc. She would post on Facebook and say how amazing I am and that she loves me so much and that I am the best.

Then about a month ago she returned from a business trip and was very distant. The next couple days we spoke and she told me she was unhappy and very confused with her life. I asked her if she was unhappy with the relationship, she replied with "I don't know!" This crushed me. She told me how she was desperately missing her life and friends in southern california. I told her we should move then. I was completely open to moving back, I could be close to my friends and she could be close to hers as well as I could be close to my family as well. I had to leave for a business trip, she told me she would like the time I was gone to think things over and we could talk when I got back in 5 days. 5 days of torture for me as she wanted some time and space, so we barely communicated. For a couple that communicated regularly, this was very difficult for me. She did message some mutual friends to see how I was doing on my trip as they were there too.

So I returned from my trip and she had a 5 page letter ready for me. Basically laying out everything that she was unhappy with. The main piece being that she wanted to move back to Southern CA and be around her friends, living where we live she never really gelled with anyone her, so she really misses her SoCal friends. The second major thing being her confusion and worry about where her career is going to go. The third being her complete disappointment in the ring situation, she openly has told me that she is not sure this is something she will ever be able to get over. Then she continued to go on about minor things in our relationship such as me not being as romantic as I should be, our diminished sex life, and how we have moved into a bit of a rut.

The last piece of all this that is messing with her head is the fact that she has never had anything last more than 4 years, never lived anywhere, never been in a relationship, etc. So she is not sure this is the case, but she can't rule it out. Even though we have been together 4.5 years.

She admits that her head is a thunderstorm right now and she is adamant that there is not another man, and I believe her. Her solution to her high level of confusion was that she would move to SoCal by herself with the dog that she brought into the relationship and take a month down there, getting herself into therapy and taking some time to sort out the craziness that is going on in her head.

After all of this went down we talked for almost two solid days. I assured her that I was very willing to move back to SoCal and rent out the house we live in now. I admitted faults in places where I felt they were warranted, I did push back on a few things as I believed that she was seeing things as they were long ago and not how they were more recently in our relationship. I felt that some of the craziness going on inside her head was keeping her from seeing things in as clear of a manner as she would normally.

I also asked her if she would be willing to start couples therapy while she as still here. She agreed and we have gone to a few sessions, which have basically been almost solely focused on her and her issues. The therapist found her to have severe anxiety and actually recommended for her to start taking Lexapro.

Meanwhile over the past few weeks since I returned from my trip and we have had our talk, I have been making sure to do things daily that show her appreciation and love. We have gone snowboarding a few times, went to the city and spent the night seeing a couple of her favorite bands. Went to the movies and had a date night where we went to dinner and played pool till the bar kicked us out.

Last Sunday she left for a trip to SoCal for business and on Tuesday was going to find a place for her to move into at the beginning of May. With me following a month later and at that time we would decide if we moved back in together or if I would find my own place in SoCal. This week while she has been gone I have been giving her all the space she needs, we have talked here and there just to tell her how our dog who had surgery is doing and to talk a bit about the places she was looking at to live.

There are so many more details, but I think I have gone on long enough.

Basically, I think there are a couple things going on here.

1) She is going through a mini-midlife crisis

2) She has so many things going on that she is massively confused

3) She has a wandering eye due to our relationship not being what it once was

I would love to hear opinions, I doubt many out there have been through this exact situation, so I am not looking for people who will understand. Though I am sure there are some of you who may have at one point in time had quite a bit going on in your life that caused a high level of confusion to everything in your life and that seeped over and into your relationship.

Right now my plan is to give her all the space she needs and be there to support her.

Thank you all in advance and I promise to update as this situation progresses.

April 21, 2012

I don't think there is any advice that I can give you that will help you with your situation. But just wanted to post so that you know you've been heard.

I think you've pretty much called it, especially #1, and you're doing everything that you can in supporting her, given that the ball is essentially in her court.

April 21, 2012

But just wanted to post so that you know you've been heard.

Most beautiful thing I ever heard in a very,very long time...I felt human again. You made my day.THANKS!

I don't think there is any advice that I can give you that will help you with your situation. But just wanted to post so that you know you've been heard.

I think you've pretty much called it, especially #1, and you're doing everything that you can in supporting her, given that the ball is essentially in her court.

April 21, 2012

It all points out to a very possible break up.Lost of interest from her side. Dont get yourself crazy with the damn "and if is this or that".Let go for a while but be prepared for the worse.

About the moving...have a Plan B ready.

So let me preface this by saying the story is quite long. But I want to get honest opinions from the community and the best way I think I can do this, is to try and give a solid backstory through our most recent issues.

To start out, my girlfriend and I have been together 4.5 years. We have are best friends, and have a connection on many levels that is amazing. We share many common life goals, including neither of us believe that we need to get married to have a life long committed relationship, and neither of us want children. We have two 150+ lb dogs that are our children. If anything we have probably spent too much time together because we are best friends and enjoy doing everything from snowboarding to puzzles together.

Last October she turned 30 and has been really contemplating for about the past year what she is going to do career wise. Add into the fact that she moved to be with me about 4 years ago, and has expressed how she desperately misses where she use to live, which is where we both grew up (Southern California.)

About two years ago she lost her grandpa and her dad in a three month period of time. Grandpa naturally, dad due to a tragic accident. Her grandfather raised her and was basically her father. After that she had severe anxiety and was actually put on prozac, the side effects were awful, mainly for our relationship because of her loss of libido and complete numbness to much of that which was going on around her. She would lay in bed till 10-11am and then just glide through her days. Luckily we both work for ourselves so she was still able to get enough work done to support herself. Last summer, I suggested that she get off the Prozac and try medicinal MJ. She agreed and this seemed to make things much better.

During the above time there were also many many other issues that happened in her life that I stood right by her side and supported her fully. Medical issues, health issues with one of our dogs, declining revenues for her business, etc. All things that I know have weighed on her heavily. These things have also weighed on me heavily as well and have worn me down too, but we have always had good communication and we were able to discuss these things and they never overly affected our relationship.

For her 30th birthday I gave her a ring that we called a PFL(Partner For Life) ring. She loved it. While she loved the ring, about 4 months later she found out that I used diamonds from a previous engagement ring that I had for her ring. She is a very rational and logical person, I asked a couple people there thoughts when I did this and they thought she would be ok with it, well both they and I were wrong. She brought this up and has told me that she is not sure she will ever be able to get over this and that she doesn't understand how I could do this to her, the person who I said is the greatest love of my life, yet I gave her a hand me down from a failed relationship. Of course, all this completely makes sense and in hindsight just the fact that I had to ask other people if they thought it was ok should have been a warning sign that I should not have done it. (Dumb Guy Move Number 1)

For Valentines Day we took a 5 day trip to Vail to spend some time together alone with out the dogs and go snowboarding. We had an amazing time there, tons of fun, had a great valentines day, but I messed up and forgot a card. (Dumb Guy Move Number 2)

Even with all of this, I still did my best to be romantic and do nice things for her, tell her she was beautiful, make her breakfast in bed, etc. She would post on Facebook and say how amazing I am and that she loves me so much and that I am the best.

Then about a month ago she returned from a business trip and was very distant. The next couple days we spoke and she told me she was unhappy and very confused with her life. I asked her if she was unhappy with the relationship, she replied with "I don't know!" This crushed me. She told me how she was desperately missing her life and friends in southern california. I told her we should move then. I was completely open to moving back, I could be close to my friends and she could be close to hers as well as I could be close to my family as well. I had to leave for a business trip, she told me she would like the time I was gone to think things over and we could talk when I got back in 5 days. 5 days of torture for me as she wanted some time and space, so we barely communicated. For a couple that communicated regularly, this was very difficult for me. She did message some mutual friends to see how I was doing on my trip as they were there too.

So I returned from my trip and she had a 5 page letter ready for me. Basically laying out everything that she was unhappy with. The main piece being that she wanted to move back to Southern CA and be around her friends, living where we live she never really gelled with anyone her, so she really misses her SoCal friends. The second major thing being her confusion and worry about where her career is going to go. The third being her complete disappointment in the ring situation, she openly has told me that she is not sure this is something she will ever be able to get over. Then she continued to go on about minor things in our relationship such as me not being as romantic as I should be, our diminished sex life, and how we have moved into a bit of a rut.

The last piece of all this that is messing with her head is the fact that she has never had anything last more than 4 years, never lived anywhere, never been in a relationship, etc. So she is not sure this is the case, but she can't rule it out. Even though we have been together 4.5 years.

She admits that her head is a thunderstorm right now and she is adamant that there is not another man, and I believe her. Her solution to her high level of confusion was that she would move to SoCal by herself with the dog that she brought into the relationship and take a month down there, getting herself into therapy and taking some time to sort out the craziness that is going on in her head.

After all of this went down we talked for almost two solid days. I assured her that I was very willing to move back to SoCal and rent out the house we live in now. I admitted faults in places where I felt they were warranted, I did push back on a few things as I believed that she was seeing things as they were long ago and not how they were more recently in our relationship. I felt that some of the craziness going on inside her head was keeping her from seeing things in as clear of a manner as she would normally.

I also asked her if she would be willing to start couples therapy while she as still here. She agreed and we have gone to a few sessions, which have basically been almost solely focused on her and her issues. The therapist found her to have severe anxiety and actually recommended for her to start taking Lexapro.

Meanwhile over the past few weeks since I returned from my trip and we have had our talk, I have been making sure to do things daily that show her appreciation and love. We have gone snowboarding a few times, went to the city and spent the night seeing a couple of her favorite bands. Went to the movies and had a date night where we went to dinner and played pool till the bar kicked us out.

Last Sunday she left for a trip to SoCal for business and on Tuesday was going to find a place for her to move into at the beginning of May. With me following a month later and at that time we would decide if we moved back in together or if I would find my own place in SoCal. This week while she has been gone I have been giving her all the space she needs, we have talked here and there just to tell her how our dog who had surgery is doing and to talk a bit about the places she was looking at to live.

There are so many more details, but I think I have gone on long enough.

Basically, I think there are a couple things going on here.

1) She is going through a mini-midlife crisis
2) She has so many things going on that she is massively confused
3) She has a wandering eye due to our relationship not being what it once was

I would love to hear opinions, I doubt many out there have been through this exact situation, so I am not looking for people who will understand. Though I am sure there are some of you who may have at one point in time had quite a bit going on in your life that caused a high level of confusion to everything in your life and that seeped over and into your relationship.

Right now my plan is to give her all the space she needs and be there to support her.

Thank you all in advance and I promise to update as this situation progresses.

April 21, 2012

Then about a month ago she returned from a business trip and was very distant. The next couple days we spoke and she told me she was unhappy and very confused with her life.

My question would be - who did she go with on the business trip? When some one says they are "confused" it almost always means there is someone else. She wasn't distant before the trip nor weeks after. It was right after she returned. Big red flag there.

She admits that her head is a thunderstorm right now and she is adamant that there is not another man, and I believe her.

I could point you to at least a thousand posts on here from guys who said they were sure there was not another guy, could never believe there would be another guy, their wife or girl friend assured them there wasn't, and they knew she would never do that. But guess what, there was another guy.

Her solution to her high level of confusion was that she would move to SoCal by herself with the dog that she brought into the relationship and take a month down there, getting herself into therapy and taking some time to sort out the craziness that is going on in her head.

So her main point was wanting to move back to SoCal but now she wants to do it by herself? Sounds to me like she wants a month by herself to see if the new guy works out but having you as a backup plan if it doesn't.

Last Sunday she left for a trip to SoCal for business

Wow! I was wondering why she would want to move to SoCal if she was with, or met, some guy on a business trip. Now you say she has business there. Sounds like that is where the guy lives. I have to wonder if she even has business there or is just going to see him and using the "business there" as an excuse.

and on Tuesday was going to find a place for her to move into at the beginning of May. With me following a month later and at that time we would decide if we moved back in together or if I would find my own place in SoCal. This week while she has been gone I have been giving her all the space she needs, we have talked here and there just to tell her how our dog who had surgery is doing and to talk a bit about the places she was looking at to live.
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Holly cr@p! Why don't you just help her move in with the new guy? The more I read of your story the more convinced I am that there is another guy and she is playing you for a fool.

Basically, I think there are a couple things going on here.

1) She is going through a mini-midlife crisis
2) She has so many things going on that she is massively confused
3) She has a wandering eye due to our relationship not being what it once was

And to you this doesn't add up to there being another guy? How much more ripe would the situation have to be for there to be another guy?

I would love to hear opinions, I doubt many out there have been through this exact situation, so I am not looking for people who will understand.

Well you have heard my opinion, like it or not. There are lots of people here who have been through similar situations. The entire thing points to there being another guy.

Right now my plan is to give her all the space she needs and be there to support her.

She really has you fooled. She doesn't need your support. She has a new guy. You really should have looked into this closer. Then you could tell her that if she leaves you are done with her. As you left it, she can do anything that she wants and if the new guy doesn't work out, you will be there as her safety net.

Thank you all in advance and I promise to update as this situation progresses.

Let me save you the trouble and do it for you - I found out there was another guy and she moved to SoCal to be with him but wanted to keep me as a backup plan in case her new relationship didn't work out.

Sorry to sound like a jerk but this whole thing stinks of another guy and you are completely blind to it.

April 21, 2012

At the end of the day, all you can do is be yourself. From what I can tell, you have been a very good boyfriend, friend, partner and lover to your "Ex". Nobody is perfect and the mistakes that you have shared are not dealbreakers or anything that would stop a women from loving.

I believe her feelings for you changed over the last year and there probably wasn't anything you could have done to stop or prevent it. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I think this "break" is going to become a break up.

I do agree with Frank, there is probably another guy in the picture somewhere. No, it doesn't mean she is cheating or having an inappropriate relationship, it could just be a crush. I hope you do not make the mistake of many of the other posters here on LS and focus all your effort and energy on wondering / worrying about the new guy, if one exists. He really has nothing to do with the end of this relationship and is insignificant. He was just the catalyst or the motivation she needed. Which was, to end things. With or without a new guy, she was in the process of leaving you and has been for quite some time.

Your "spidey senses" picked up on the fact that her feelings for you were changing and you were well aware that slowly but surely, you were losing her. You are to be commended for being in tune with your Ex and your situation, most guys get blind sided. Without losing your self-respect or your dignity, you did everything you could to save the relationship but I believe there was nothing you could have done that would have been successful.

I believe that your Ex wants out of the relationship. Due to the fact that you are such a great guy, mature, supportive, understanding and the two of you have / had a great relationship... She is just trying to be "nice" and what I mean by that... Is letting you down slow and easy.

Edited April 21, 2012 by gibson

April 21, 2012

I don't think there is any advice that I can give you that will help you with your situation. But just wanted to post so that you know you've been heard.

I think you've pretty much called it, especially #1, and you're doing everything that you can in supporting her, given that the ball is essentially in her court.

Thank you very much. Very kind of you

April 21, 2012

It all points out to a very possible break up.Lost of interest from her side. Dont get yourself crazy with the damn "and if is this or that".Let go for a while but be prepared for the worse.
About the moving...have a Plan B ready.

This is pretty much where I am now. I have basically started to treat this and resolve myself to just moving on.

April 21, 2012

My question would be - who did she go with on the business trip? When some one says they are "confused" it almost always means there is someone else. She wasn't distant before the trip nor weeks after. It was right after she returned. Big red flag there.

I helped set up the business trip, so I know what she was there for. At the same time while she was there she was able to shoot guns and ride motorcylces. Something that she did in her youth and she told me that she feels like she has lost that part of herself over the years. Not due to me, just due to time doing what it does.

I could point you to at least a thousand posts on here from guys who said they were sure there was not another guy, could never believe there would be another guy, their wife or girl friend assured them there wasn't, and they knew she would never do that. But guess what, there was another guy.

I am not going to be niave and say that there isn't a wandering eye or some one that may have given her attention at just the right moment that may have caused her to feel some emotional response. I am not that dumb. When I say I believe her, I mean that, I believe her when she tells me that she hasn't cheated. Now whether she is looking, that could very well be the case due to what we have been through in the past 9 months.

So her main point was wanting to move back to SoCal but now she wants to do it by herself? Sounds to me like she wants a month by herself to see if the new guy works out but having you as a backup plan if it doesn't.

Quite possible, or a month to see if there is another guy that will be better. Not out of the realm of possibility at all. At this time we are not broken up. If she ends up moving there for a month by herself, I plan to break things off clean. Letting her know that I am I not going to live in limbo. She can do her thing and I will do mine. We can chat in a month and see where we both stand.

Wow! I was wondering why she would want to move to SoCal if she was with, or met, some guy on a business trip. Now you say she has business there. Sounds like that is where the guy lives. I have to wonder if she even has business there or is just going to see him and using the "business there" as an excuse.

I know she has business there. This is not a hidden excuse. I get what you are thinking, but, without going into details, I can assure you that her business had her working Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. She looked at places on Tuesday to live, even called me and we discussed what would be good options for US and the DOGS. She stayed with a mutual friend Wednesday and Thursday night. That mutual friend called me and told me that they stayed up BSing till 1-1:30 each night and that she spent most of that time talking about me, us, the dogs, etc. She is staying with more mutual friends last night and tonight before heading to another friends graduation party tomorrow. Before she flies home tomorrow night.

Holly cr@p! Why don't you just help her move in with the new guy? The more I read of your story the more convinced I am that there is another guy and she is playing you for a fool.

If this ends up being the case I will happily come back here and post a picture with my foot in my mouth, but I don't see this being the case. As stated, could she be crushing or having some emotional response, sure. Is it as far as you are stating, No!

And to you this doesn't add up to there being another guy? How much more ripe would the situation have to be for there to be another guy?

See above twice. So I am with you that it is possible. At the same time, I am not fully ready to rule out her mental condition, or the *****storm of other things going on inside her head.

Well you have heard my opinion, like it or not. There are lots of people here who have been through similar situations. The entire thing points to there being another guy.

She really has you fooled. She doesn't need your support. She has a new guy. You really should have looked into this closer. Then you could tell her that if she leaves you are done with her. As you left it, she can do anything that she wants and if the new guy doesn't work out, you will be there as her safety net.

Let me save you the trouble and do it for you - I found out there was another guy and she moved to SoCal to be with him but wanted to keep me as a backup plan in case her new relationship didn't work out.

Sorry to sound like a jerk but this whole thing stinks of another guy and you are completely blind to it.

I appreciate your candid honesty, and while I am not ruling out her crushing on someone, or wanting that feeling that comes with a new relationship. It is difficult to just walk away after 4.5 years and so many amazing memories. I am sure you can empathize with that. At the same time I will hurt myself before I allow myself to just be a doormat. I think when she gets home tomorrow night after her trip things will be very telling. She will have had a week to be in LA, hang out with friends, have the feelings she is going to have when the move is made back to LA, etc. Plus time away from me to take in everything we have been talking about and everything we have been working on with our couples therapist. We have another appointment for couples therapy on Tuesday.

So there is a lot going on, but as stated I will not be a doormat for her to just walk all over. I will not be left in limbo. If she wants a month, I will be giving that to her completely, and making her well aware of the fact that I am supportive and happy to give her time, but that time will be with us completely broken up and free to do whatever, and if at the end of the month or whatever she decides that she wants to work things out, I can't guarantee that I will still be here waiting.

If she decides that she wants to work things out now and not take the month then we will discuss everything and put all the cards on the table. Continue couples therapy and find the root of our problems and make sure to close the gaps between us and correct areas where our relationship has weaknesses.

April 21, 2012

At the end of the day, all you can do is be yourself. From what I can tell, you have been a very good boyfriend, friend, partner and lover to your "Ex". Nobody is perfect and the mistakes that you have shared are not dealbreakers or anything that would stop a women from loving.

I believe her feelings for you changed over the last year and there probably wasn't anything you could have done to stop or prevent it. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I think this "break" is going to become a break up.

I do agree with Frank, there is probably another guy in the picture somewhere. No, it doesn't mean she is cheating or having an inappropriate relationship, it could just be a crush. I hope you do not make the mistake of many of the other posters here on LS and focus all your effort and energy on wondering / worrying about the new guy, if one exists. He really has nothing to do with the end of this relationship and is insignificant. He was just the catalyst or the motivation she needed. Which was, to end things. With or without a new guy, she was in the process of leaving you and has been for quite some time.

Your "spidey senses" picked up on the fact that her feelings for you were changing and you were well aware that slowly but surely, you were losing her. You are to be commended for being in tune with your Ex and your situation, most guys get blind sided. Without losing your self-respect or your dignity, you did everything you could to save the relationship but I believe there was nothing you could have done that would have been successful.

I believe that your Ex wants out of the relationship. Due to the fact that you are such a great guy, mature, supportive, understanding and the two of you have / had a great relationship... She is just trying to be "nice" and what I mean by that... Is letting you down slow and easy.

I like your edit here

Just to be clear at this time she is not my "Ex," not yet at least. We are still together and still working on this. She still tells me that she loves me, and is still affectionate at times. She tells me that she still finds me attractive, and even gives PDA's. I asked her point blank a couple weeks ago if she was still "IN Love with me" she replied, "Yes I am! Not as much as I use to be, but I still am IN love with you." With this said she has still been candid with me that she is not sure about many things, and it is all messing with her head.

When I first returned from my business trip she was completely walled up. Since that time those walls have been breaking down, and she let's me in a bit more and more. So these are the types of things that give me hope.

In all honesty though, I am not the type of person that will put up with her going and spending a month with another guy, finding out it doesn't work and she comes running back to me. We have problems, but as you stated, nothing that is a deal breaker or that can't be looked at and forgiven. I am willing to put in the work that it takes to make it through these stormy waters and back into calm seas. If we end up taking the break and she goes out and decides to be with someone else, I will not be her safety blanket. If she is true and uses that time to work on herself and figure her own personal stuff out as she has stated, then I am happy to be supportive and discuss options.

One thing I did find to be interesting though is that she was unable to find a place on Tuesday which was really her only day to look at places. Since then she hasn't had a ton of time, but has had some. She has not made it a priority and yet her plan was to move at the end of the month which is just over a week away from now.

Like I said, I will know more when she returns home tomorrow night and we are actually able to spend some time together and chat some more.

For now I will live with the positive thoughts that we still have a candlelight there that may be dim, but can still be saved from completely extinguishing. Ignorance is Bliss right?

April 21, 2012

Anytime a woman gives such a vague "reason" as to why she needs space is because she has another man in her pocket.

You know she has a "wandering eye" and that she went on some "business trip" and came back a cold, uncaring shell of the woman you once loved. Just look around on this site and you'll see hundreds of stories so similar to yours: A man in denial about what his woman has been doing, holds her on a high platform and is then deeply shocked (and hurt) when he actually finds out she was seeing another man while claiming the old "our relationship is not working out" cliche line.

And while you did set up her business trip you weren't there with her, so there's quite a big loophole for her to jump in and do her covert activity. Women will tell a man one thing and do another on the phone, and not necessarily in that order.

She's going to all these parties with her friends and traveling and then wants to use that as an excuse to let you slowly off the hook. This woman is clearly getting her ducks in a row and no doubt those "mutual friends" she parties with have been encouraging her to dump you and spank on some hot body in the club.

April 21, 2012

Anytime a woman gives such a vague "reason" as to why she needs space is because she has another man in her pocket.

You know she has a "wandering eye" and that she went on some "business trip" and came back a cold, uncaring shell of the woman you once loved. Just look around on this site and you'll see hundreds of stories so similar to yours: A man in denial about what his woman has been doing, holds her on a high platform and is then deeply shocked (and hurt) when he actually finds out she was seeing another man while claiming the old "our relationship is not working out" cliche line.

And while you did set up her business trip you weren't there with her, so there's quite a big loophole for her to jump in and do her covert activity. Women will tell a man one thing and do another on the phone, and not necessarily in that order.

She's going to all these parties with her friends and traveling and then wants to use that as an excuse to let you slowly off the hook. This woman is clearly getting her ducks in a row and no doubt those "mutual friends" she parties with have been encouraging her to dump you and spank on some hot body in the club.

I don't think I would consider her reasons "vague," but I can see where you are coming from with that statement.

During her business trip to Austin, you are right I set it up for her, but she did have a lot of leeway to do anything she wants. Like I said in other posts, I am not going to be naive and believe that nothing could have happened that helped this along. At the same time, I do believe her when she says she didn't cheat. Got a little crush on someone, possibly, cheat... No!

I don't know where parties came into play, but that is not what she has been doing. She is not the clubbing type at all. She stayed with a mutual friend, who is actually one of my best friends. He is not about to encourage her to dump me. The mutual friends she is staying with last night and tonight are an engaged couple that we have known for years and want nothing more than to see us together.

So while I get what you are saying about her "wandering eye" some of the assumptions you are making are not correct.

Granted, as I have stated, this is a very complex situation and there will always be small details that are not known. I do see the pattern you are all referring to, and my eyes are open to it.

April 21, 2012

Hi No Kids

Im new here and not too verse at this or computers so I kept my sag short(not critiquing) just letting you know in case you read mine. The first 3 of 6 years of my relationship with my ex almost identical in essence to yours. First couple years amzing,would see more each day about her to fall in love with. Than all of a sudden same thimg, distancing in every aspect, physically, emotionally. I would try and talk to her, increase my attentiveness, romance, helping her, making sure she felt good, beautiful, wonderful. We did a bit of therapy and same thing therapist zoned in on her and she was battling many things due to abusive ex husband. But in the next 6 months started to notice more things, business trips, cell phone usage and other patterns which I questioned her and me but wrote off each time because I loved her and decided to believe in her which is natural when you truly love someone. Than found out the trith and she was cheating. I ended it, 10 months later he dumps her 1 month after that she comes back begging to me. I break my cardinal rule and take her back againg knowing what she did but justifying why(depression and her past) Thinking she knows how loving and wonderful she knows what we had and shes ready. To sum up 3 more years later and boom same spot.

I have found this community here great even the people who may sound harsh.

I think what you have to look at is what everyone is telling you is probably accurate, and what you know the essence. She is going through alot of turmoil in her head but because of that she is probably wandering and she is right now incapable of a healthy relationship where someone great like you truly loves her for her. And she cant handle that.

My advice and Im sorry for being long winded but sounded so similar. Stop making excuses because of the wonderful person she is at her core, because of your true love for her and realize she is not ready, may not ever be ready, and you cant change that only she can so dont wait around. Heal yourself like everyone says her and try the different methods they suggest and figure what seems to help best for you.

I wish you all the best and it will be a struggle but you can do this and you know deep down you will find another and eventually someone who can love you back just as much

April 21, 2012

Hi No Kids
Im new here and not too verse at this or computers so I kept my sag short(not critiquing) just letting you know in case you read mine. The first 3 of 6 years of my relationship with my ex almost identical in essence to yours. First couple years amzing,would see more each day about her to fall in love with. Than all of a sudden same thimg, distancing in every aspect, physically, emotionally. I would try and talk to her, increase my attentiveness, romance, helping her, making sure she felt good, beautiful, wonderful. We did a bit of therapy and same thing therapist zoned in on her and she was battling many things due to abusive ex husband. But in the next 6 months started to notice more things, business trips, cell phone usage and other patterns which I questioned her and me but wrote off each time because I loved her and decided to believe in her which is natural when you truly love someone. Than found out the trith and she was cheating. I ended it, 10 months later he dumps her 1 month after that she comes back begging to me. I break my cardinal rule and take her back againg knowing what she did but justifying why(depression and her past) Thinking she knows how loving and wonderful she knows what we had and shes ready. To sum up 3 more years later and boom same spot.
I have found this community here great even the people who may sound harsh.
I think what you have to look at is what everyone is telling you is probably accurate, and what you know the essence. She is going through alot of turmoil in her head but because of that she is probably wandering and she is right now incapable of a healthy relationship where someone great like you truly loves her for her. And she cant handle that.
My advice and Im sorry for being long winded but sounded so similar. Stop making excuses because of the wonderful person she is at her core, because of your true love for her and realize she is not ready, may not ever be ready, and you cant change that only she can so dont wait around. Heal yourself like everyone says her and try the different methods they suggest and figure what seems to help best for you.
I wish you all the best and it will be a struggle but you can do this and you know deep down you will find another and eventually someone who can love you back just as much

Thank you very much, very insightful post.

Not really making excuses for her. I know she has some major **** going on in her head. I just believe her when she says she hasn't cheated on me.

I agree with you that she has a lot of things to figure out for herself.

In my heart, I know that no matter what happens I will be stronger at the end of this ordeal. I already am.

April 23, 2012

Like I said, I will know more when she returns home tomorrow night and we are actually able to spend some time together and chat some more.

I'm very curious about how this turned out. Can we look forward to a picture of you with your foot in your mouth?

April 23, 2012

So there is a lot going on, but as stated I will not be a doormat for her to just walk all over. I will not be left in limbo. If she wants a month, I will be giving that to her completely, and making her well aware of the fact that I am supportive and happy to give her time, but that time will be with us completely broken up and free to do whatever, and if at the end of the month or whatever she decides that she wants to work things out, I can't guarantee that I will still be here waiting.

Good for you. This is the way to do it. Good luck.

April 23, 2012

I asked her point blank a couple weeks ago if she was still "IN Love with me" she replied, "Yes I am! Not as much as I use to be, but I still am IN love with you."

I never heard of anyone saying that before. I just came across the following in a message on the coping forum -

"you either love someone with every fiber of your being or not at all."

When I thought about it, I felt that it is true, or at least applies to me. You can have feelings for someone and they can get stronger, but once you are in love with them, at least for me, that statement is true.

One thing I did find to be interesting though is that she was unable to find a place on Tuesday which was really her only day to look at places. Since then she hasn't had a ton of time, but has had some. She has not made it a priority and yet her plan was to move at the end of the month which is just over a week away from now.

I don't find this interesting at all. She only had one day to look and she did go to look. There are a lot of crappy places for rent. It may well take several days of looking to find a decent one. Also, she probably knows she could stay with her friends while looking for a place.

Also, are any of your mutual friends guys, especially the one she was talking to about you. There are plenty of stories here of women leaving their boyfriend or husband for their boyfriend's or husband's best friend.

Anyway, just keep with your plan and see how it works out. That's all you can do.

April 23, 2012

Then about a month ago she returned from a business trip and was very distant. The next couple days we spoke and she told me she was unhappy and very confused with her life. I asked her if she was unhappy with the relationship, she replied with "I don't know!" This crushed me.

Dude, this is very telling. SOMETHING happened on this trip. Now, she can tell you that there's no other guy in the picture until the cows come home. But, let's be honest. Do you think she's actually going to admit to this? Especially since she prepared a 5 page letter explaining to you that the demise of your relationship was entirely your fault?

You can read thread after thread on discoveries here. But, I'll save you some time and just give you a general breakdown. She states and is 100% adamit that there is no one else. You go through the phone records and discover a number that she has been texting to alot. You do a reverse look up and find out it's a guy. You ask her about it, "Oh he's just a friend." (so much for 100% positive there isn't another guy, this would constitute as a lie) Then, you finally are able to read some of these texts going through her phone while she's in the shower and they are steamy. You confront and she'll tell you that they were "just joking". You put a VAR in her car and listen to her conversations when she's driving. You find out that it did go physical and she can't wait to see him again when she moves. You confront; she admits it but this is still all your fault and tells you to refer back to the 5 page letter and she THEN tells you, "OM had nothing to do with the demise of our relationship! It was all your fault."

So, we go from absolutely 100% there's no one else to "OM had nothing to do with why I'm leaving."

Look, just do me a favor. Verify! Look through the phone records, place a Voice Activated Recorder in her car. Put a keylogger on the home computer. If she has an iphone and if she ever charged her phone using the home computer chances are the phone sync'd up with the computer. Therefore, there's a hidden file on that computer that has all of her text conversations from that phone on the computer. There is software that will allow you to pull this file up. Look up iphone file extractor.

If you think this is creepy and sneaky. Don't feel this way. You have EVERY RIGHT to know what's going on in your relationship. And if you don't find anything, then great! Whew! You can focus on other issues. But, personally I don't think it's fair that if there IS someone else, that she wouldn't be honest and tell you that there is and allowing you to beat yourself up for years to come always wondering what you did sooo bad that she left. What you did wrong to warrent her to leave. Beating yourself up for years! When all along; it was someone else.

April 24, 2012

Update for you guys and answering some of your questions. Contact while she has been gone has been limited. I have been purposefully keeping it that way. We have texted when we needed to and a couple times just to BS on a limited basis. My goal was to give her as much space as possible and I have just been keeping myself busy.

1) Yes one of the mutual friends she stayed with was a guy. I know what you guys are going to say, but I know for a fact that there is nothing there. He had several conversations with her and they BSed about me, our dogs, the move back to southern CA. He was very adamant about the fact that every time she talked about the move it was all "WE" and "US" etc.

2) She spent time with a married couple friend Saturday afternoon and evening. They reported back to me the exact same type of conversation and how she was excited that I was excited to move back to LA with her. Sunday morning she told the wife that she was excited to be heading home that night.

3) The 5 page letter had about 3 paragraphs that touched on what I would consider things being MY FAULT. The rest of the entire letter was her pining to move back to SoCal, and how she is confused about where her career is headed, and confused about her life. So I wouldn't exactly call that 5 pages of her blaming me. Even in those three paragraphs there were things she took blame for as well. Not making excuses here, just clarifying.

4) As far as finding a place she actually changed her flight and stayed down there today and called me to talk about a few places she found. Whether it was a slip up or not, she said, "We could make this one work." In the end another couple got an application in before she was able to and she is coming home tonight after unsuccessfully finding a place and will have to go back... I know, I know, you guys are all going to come in here and say how I am being played and she is going back down there to see whoever and blah blah blah! LMAO

5) As far as looking through her phone, email, etc. I didn't have to be sneaky or even ask. Sorry that I forgot to add this into my initial post. She volunteered me access to her phone, email, facebook, and twitter. So I said ok, and she handed me her phone and then allowed me access to the other items as well. She even showed me the text conversations with the people I knew she was with in Austin, and people she spoke to while I was on my trip. Since you can't delete pieces of the conversation, you can only delete the full conversation, that put that part out the window.

So at this time she is coming home tonight after being away and having LC for 8 days. We have a couple therapy session tomorrow. She will have to go back to SoCal in the next week or so to spend some time finding a place. Either way her plan was to move May 1st, that is probably not going to happen. She was then planning to come back May 5th for a BBQ we are having to say good bye to the people we do know that live here and won't see as often. My buddy, who she stayed with for a couple days last week is going to come up and chill with me for a couple weeks after that. I then head to a wedding mid May before returning to with my family arriving in town to help with the final move and me moving around the 28th of May.

So that is the update for you guys as of now. After I see her this evening when I pick her up from the airport and I have some time to talk to her, plus get through our session tomorrow. I will post another update.

April 24, 2012

3) The 5 page letter had about 3 paragraphs that touched on what I would consider things being MY FAULT. The rest of the entire letter was her pining to move back to SoCal, and how she is confused about where her career is headed, and confused about her life. So I wouldn't exactly call that 5 pages of her blaming me. Even in those three paragraphs there were things she took blame for as well. Not making excuses here, just clarifying.

When this kind of thing happens, it is rarely to do with you. It is a problem inside her head that only she can fix. I know this is hard to accept and I can see from this post that you are talking yourself into reasons why she is not leaving. Time will tell. But you are not, and never will be to blame for whatever this is.

Good luck with all of your arrangements to move

April 24, 2012

So I promised you all an update and here we go...

Last night she came home after her time away. I wouldn't say that she was super close to me, but she was very bummed about not being able to find a place in LA and we sat down and talked for a bit. The conversation turned to what we were going to do moving forward once she moved and she told me she didn't know. She wasn't sure if when she moved if she wanted us to break up or take the time and remain together.

The conversation continued and we had a discussion that got a bit heated, but resolved itself quickly and I apologized for taking things too far. That left the door open for me to apologize for several other things that had been brewing inside of me that I wanted to apologize for. I also opened the door to her that if there was anything I could do that would prove my sincerity I was opening to hear it.

After that conversation it was like a switch flipped for her. I don't know what it was, but she was far more loving and open after that. The conversation quickly turned to our normal daily BSing that we do everyday (I think I have mentioned that we are best friends. The kind that spends almost 24/7 together and yet we have only had a handful of major fights. And we get along very well 99.9% of the time.) That continued and she took a shower and then came out and we watched a little TV and laughed together and hung out some more before calling it a night.

This morning we woke up as we usually do and we played with our dogs and chatted some more. Then I got up to get some work done before we headed to our therapy session. Therapy went extremely well and really opened up some doors for both of us. She still talked about how she needed time to really try and find herself and all that good jazz. But she was adamant about the fact that she loved me and cared deeply for me, and has never cheated on me.

At the end of the session our therapist recommended something based on the fact that we were both trying to figure out what and how we were going to manage this time apart and exactly what she wanted. The therapist recommended that we take 90 days of NC, remain committed to each other, do not date, but have NC and take that time for us each to work on ourselves. We both liked the idea and have already started to make plans for it.

We have some logistics to work out because of our dogs and such, but we have a good grasp on what we are going to do and how we are going to progress forward. After the 90 days we will come together and discuss our future. Together, Apart, or Need More Time.

The weight off both our shoulders has already been visible. It works out well because we have a mutual friends wedding in Cabo at pretty much 90 days from now. Obviously she still needs to find a place in LA and such so we will start the NC around the 8th of May. So it won't be a full 90 days, but it will still be plenty of time for us both to figure out if this is exactly what we want.

So that is the update as of now. Wanted to let you guys know and thank you all for the support over the past several days as it was good for me to hear multiple sides.

I promise to keep you all updated as well.

April 24, 2012

The conversation continued and we had a discussion that got a bit heated, but resolved itself quickly and I apologized for taking things too far.

STOP APOLOGIZING and Heated discussions are GOOD!

That left the door open for me to apologize for several other things that had been brewing inside of me that I wanted to apologize for.

STOP APOLOGIZING and there should always be an open door... if not, kick the damn door down and do not apologize for it!

A women wants a man that isn't going to take her crap, a man that isn't going to be her little b1tch, a man that isn't going to move his boundaries and a man that will FIGHT with PASSION when she tries. Fellows, she is going to try from time to time for a whole host of reasons... The chief one, she wants to FIGHT with PASSION! Then she will want you to knock all the stuff off the kitchen table, throw her on top of it, pull her panties to the side, spit on it and show her what her man is capable of!

Don't buy into the whole pu55ification of men... She doesn't want a gay best friend or a girlfriend.

I also opened the door to her that if there was anything I could do that would prove my sincerity I was opening to hear it.

I just threw up in my mouth! What are you doing?!?!?!

You don't need to prove a thing to her!

Your women wants a MAN!!!!! Stop being so nice, find your confidence and your mojo.

I think I have mentioned that we are best friends. The kind that spends almost 24/7 together and yet we have only had a handful of major fights. And we get along very well 99.9% of the time.

This is NOT something your should be proud of! Do not spend 24/7 together with your Ex. Have hobbies and interests that do not involve her. Go hang out with your friends, go volunteer, etc.

Disagreements, arguing and being passionate is a very GOOD thing!

There is NO excitement, chemistry, passion, mystery or time away for her to miss / long for you.

That continued and she took a shower and then came out and we watched a little TV and laughed together and hung out some more before calling it a night.

Did you rub her back and tell her sweet nothings while she fell asleep?

Or

Did you take control and have wild passionate sex with her?

Edited April 24, 2012 by gibson

April 25, 2012

i agree with gibson.

to me, a nice condensed summary would be that your gf needs you to stop being the p*ssy you've turned into, and stand up for yourself. right now her needs come above yours. she's taken a piss on your pride with some of the things she's done, and yet you're apologizing to her profusely and you'll do anything you can to save the relationship?? start being the man she wanted in the beginning, before you guys made it official. lay down some bounderies, prove to her you don't need her. she will lust for you again. to be honest, i'm skeptical you'll be able to make this transformation and realize what a softy you've been, but good luck!

April 25, 2012

HAHA you guys are hilarious.

First off, I apologized for things I had not yet apologized for, but knew I needed to. I am the type of guy that does not apologize for the same thing over and over again. I apologize once and that is it. That is what she got last night.

To say that we spend 24/7 together may be a bit of a stretch. I spend time playing golf, ice hockey, hanging out with my buddies each week. We also spend at least 1 week a month apart while either she is gone or I am gone on business trips. I more meant that we spend a lot of time together and when we do we get along very well. We disagree, and have heated discussions, but very few knock em down and drag em out fights. They have occurred though.

I understand you guys are only seeing what I have told you and it is impossible to lay out the full dynamic of our relationship and the fact that I am a confident, in her words "Cocky", man. That doesn't mean I am not the type that will admit when I am wrong and apologize and communicate.

April 25, 2012

Then she will want you to knock all the stuff off the kitchen table, throw her on top of it, pull her panties to the side, spit on it and show her what her man is capable of!

LOL

Don't buy into the whole pu55ification of men... She doesn't want a gay best friend or a girlfriend.

LOL

I just threw up in my mouth!

LOL

Did you rub her back and tell her sweet nothings while she fell asleep?

LOL

@NoKids... Dude please try and break your tailbone or something before that wedding you have planned.

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