nanbullen Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Sorry, I keep posting ….hopefully this will be my last post….till tomorrow I have been trying not to contact bf because I felt (and he told me so) that I was driving him crazy with my insecurity. I felt like if I don’t call him, then I won’t get upset and paranoid when he doesn’t call me back or even text me back. We live in different states, so it’s not like I can see him. I think he’s being disrespectful and uncaring, and it makes me question his feelings for me. On the other hand, I think I am being insecure. I go back and forth on whether it’s my fault, or his fault, I don’t know anymore. I do know I can’t go on being paranoid and I hate the person I’ve become. Well, I ended up calling him. It was on accident.…but whatever. My call went straight to his voicemail, so I left him a message to call me but didn’t stress out when he didn’t call, because since it went straight to vm, I figured his phone was off/dead battery. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions! Today rolls around and he still hasn’t called me. I told myself not to call him. I KNEW if I called and his phone rang and I knew he turned it on and STILL ignored my call…..i would be very upset. As long as I didn’t call him, I could think his phone was still off and he didn’t know I called. How PATHETIC is that?! I am the definition of co-dependent! Needless to say, I called him anyway. This time of course, it was on. It’s pointless, I know for me to try to explain to him, again, for the 1000th time, how I feel. At this point I know I am just making things worse, but did that stop me from doing it again? No way! Not only that, but I decided to text him. OMG I ended up sending him like 20 texts, or that’s when I stopped counting. When I was finished I could not believe what I did! I wish I could delete them!! Why, WHY couldn’t I stop myself from texting him?? I feel so humiliated and just awful I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. The only good thing that came of this is in a moment of sheer panic that I was losing my mind, I deleted him from my contacts, and all our text messages, and his number from my call history (first I set his # to go directly to my voicemail, in case he calls me…don’t know if that will work but hope so). I deleted his email address. I still have him on facebook, but I almost never go on fb as it is, and he goes on it even less than I do. I know later tonight and tomorrow morning, the reality will set in. I know I have to let myself feel the pain so I can feel better. But I’m scared of how bad I’m going to feel when the reality sinks in. This feels worse than the first time we broke up because this man I thought was the love of my life. I’d rather never have talked to him again, than to have to accept that he was never the love of my life at all. Does that mean that I’ve never really loved anybody? Does it mean that nobody has ever loved me? I guess not…. if I haven’t even been able to love myself, how could anybody else have? I wish I could have understood all this before I was in my 30’s. I would have learned to love myself, instead I’ve spent my life trying to convince men to love me.
january2011 Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 this man I thought was the love of my life. I’d rather never have talked to him again, than to have to accept that he was never the love of my life at all. Does that mean that I’ve never really loved anybody? Does it mean that nobody has ever loved me? I guess not…. if I haven’t even been able to love myself, how could anybody else have? I wish I could have understood all this before I was in my 30’s. I would have learned to love myself, instead I’ve spent my life trying to convince men to love me. You have decades in front of you to meet someone. Internet stranger that I am, I still don't believe that you will never love again nor that you were never loved. You will love again and be loved again. It's great that you realise that it starts with loving yourself. It might not seem like it, but you are not dead yet. Keep focusing on self-care and self-love activities. Things will get better. And unfriend him on FaceBook.
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