inali10 Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I have a no idea how to deal with this situation, because it's really disturbing me right now. My dh went on a boys' weekend out of town and said before he went that the guys had thought about going to a strip club. I told my husband before that I don't mind us going to strip clubs together, but it would bother me if he went without me. Having someone naked rub against your spouse is not cool. He said "no problem" the guys had discussed it and decided they rather stay in to watch a game and strippers were gross anyway. Yeah, right ...considering he's mentioned strippers several times on the phone with his guy friends the week before they went. Anyway, I found out he is at a strip club tonight. Would not be so bad at an average no-touch club, except this particular club is known to allow touching and more. The touching (bare breasts) is out in the open, the "more" costs extra under the table. I know he has plenty of cash on him to get touching and "more". DH had an emotional affair last year, so having full trust in him again has been difficult at best. He's been very attentive to me since, but seems to try to find ways to get me jealous all the while trying to turn the tables back on me - "I'm not like that, you're crazy." If he was not like that, he wouldn't have had an EA. I know being around strippers has nothing to do with emotions at all, but still... So I when I found out about where he is tonight, I sent him a text reminding him that I'm okay with us going together but not him going out like this. Have not heard back from him yet, of course. But so, so disappointed. Probably shouldn't have even texted him, but my emotions got the best of me. Did I over-react or is this normal to feel like he's setting himself up (purposefully or not) to get into a situation no married man should be in? How do I deal with him when he gets home? No way to know if he was faithful, just fondling some boobs (still not okay), or coming home with some hideous disease.
TigerCub Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 If he had an affair last year he should be doing what he can to regain your trust, and yet here he is doing something you specifically told him you don't want him to do. He's showing that he couldn't care less about your needs and your security in this relationship. I think you should tell him that his chances are up - he needs to go.
Author inali10 Posted April 21, 2012 Author Posted April 21, 2012 So, husband texted back. Said he went to the club because all the other guys were going and he didn't want to be left behind. Yes, I understand peer pressure, but really?! That's the only reason he went? Also, he said it wasn't so great and they were headed back to where they were staying. I asked if it was okay for me to go have some naked guy rub against me and got his typical response: "Of course. I trust you and our relationship." Sure he does, I don't do things that hurt the marriage. How the hell do I deal w this now? He'll come home and expect me to apologize for not wanting him to be one of the guys and ruining his night with texts full of drama. Just waiting for yet another lecture on why I'm the crazed, jealous, prudish wife. He knows he has the upper hand in this too bcs I can't leave him for financial reasons and bcs I couldn't put our small children through the devastation of a divorce. He knows I can't pull an ultimatum. There's nowhere for me to go with my kids and I can't afford to leave with them anyway. I'm stuck and he knows it. Feeling so many things - sad that I can't trust him wherever he goes, heartbroken that my feelings were disrespected yet again, confused on what whether I should let this go and try to trust that nothing happened or not let it go bcs then I'm a fool if something went down.
TigerCub Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 So, husband texted back. Said he went to the club because all the other guys were going and he didn't want to be left behind. Yes, I understand peer pressure, but really?! That's the only reason he went? Also, he said it wasn't so great and they were headed back to where they were staying. I asked if it was okay for me to go have some naked guy rub against me and got his typical response: "Of course. I trust you and our relationship." Sure he does, I don't do things that hurt the marriage. How the hell do I deal w this now? He'll come home and expect me to apologize for not wanting him to be one of the guys and ruining his night with texts full of drama. Just waiting for yet another lecture on why I'm the crazed, jealous, prudish wife. He knows he has the upper hand in this too bcs I can't leave him for financial reasons and bcs I couldn't put our small children through the devastation of a divorce. He knows I can't pull an ultimatum. There's nowhere for me to go with my kids and I can't afford to leave with them anyway. I'm stuck and he knows it. Feeling so many things - sad that I can't trust him wherever he goes, heartbroken that my feelings were disrespected yet again, confused on what whether I should let this go and try to trust that nothing happened or not let it go bcs then I'm a fool if something went down. I'm not sure where you live, but if it is in the US or Canada, there are usually laws where a partner has to pay alimony to the partner with less money (I don't know about laws really - but that's always been my understanding) also, if you have kids, he would have to pay child support. Do you have any family that could help you, not just financially, but give you some support emotionally? Don't be with someone because you feel trapped. Do you work at all? From what you wrote, I'm getting the impression that you don't - is there anything at all you can apply for? What's your education level? How old are your kids? I can't really tell you what your options are, but I do know that there are programs that help people in your situation and there are laws to protect you and your children (if you are in the Canada/US area).
knitwit Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I have two thoughts/recommendations on this. 1. Re-focus your concerns on how you are coming across (e.g. "prudish wife") to your WH's lack of responsibility/accountabilty. Someone who was taking responsibility and being accountablity could have said, "You know, I really screwed up my marriage. My wife has every reason not to trust me. I need to bow out of this one, guys." 2. You can't escape your immediate situation, but you also need to make some hard changes. Re-focus your thoughts on how you don't want to devastate your children with a divorce to changing your situation so that you are no longer trapped. Take a long-term view and take action so that you have some power. If you need to, get a job. You should absolutely find out your legal options. None of these needs to lead to a divorce, but do what you can to make divorce an option that you can live with if need be. Let your husband know that there will be consequences. Right now he can do anything he wants and you have "no choice" but to take it. You need to change your life so that you have some power and the ability to have more than one choice. Good luck to you!
Athena Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I have a no idea how to deal with this situation, because it's really disturbing me right now. My dh went on a boys' weekend out of town and said before he went that the guys had thought about going to a strip club. I told my husband before that I don't mind us going to strip clubs together, but it would bother me if he went without me. Having someone naked rub against your spouse is not cool. He said "no problem" the guys had discussed it and decided they rather stay in to watch a game and strippers were gross anyway. Yeah, right ...considering he's mentioned strippers several times on the phone with his guy friends the week before they went. Anyway, I found out he is at a strip club tonight. Would not be so bad at an average no-touch club, except this particular club is known to allow touching and more. The touching (bare breasts) is out in the open, the "more" costs extra under the table. I know he has plenty of cash on him to get touching and "more". DH had an emotional affair last year, so having full trust in him again has been difficult at best. He's been very attentive to me since, but seems to try to find ways to get me jealous all the while trying to turn the tables back on me - "I'm not like that, you're crazy." If he was not like that, he wouldn't have had an EA. I know being around strippers has nothing to do with emotions at all, but still... So I when I found out about where he is tonight, I sent him a text reminding him that I'm okay with us going together but not him going out like this. Have not heard back from him yet, of course. But so, so disappointed. Probably shouldn't have even texted him, but my emotions got the best of me. Did I over-react or is this normal to feel like he's setting himself up (purposefully or not) to get into a situation no married man should be in? How do I deal with him when he gets home? No way to know if he was faithful, just fondling some boobs (still not okay), or coming home with some hideous disease. You may not realize this right now because you are so sad and in a knot over it all, but the way you handle this is going to set a Precedent in what behaviors your husband can get away with. So far, he can get away with lying to you about NOT going somewhere, and then, when it is out of your reach, out of your control, he DOES go anyway, and you land up doing nothing effective at all about it. Tell him to go to hell and not bother coming home. And kick him out. So when he thinks about doing this in the future, he decides it simply isn't worth the hassle... If you 'reward' him by crying and being a weakling, he will just feel strong and justified in treating you like crap, both now, when he gets home, and in the future. What you do to him now, will determine what he feels he can get away with. So, what are you going to do to him now, that will dissuade him doing similar things in the future? If you two discuss something, and he agrees NOT to do it, but does it anyway, and then you act like a wet wimp, he will never respect you again. Girl you have to come down HARD on him now. Very hard.
darkmoon Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 look the guy has money i know he's under suspicion but it is only suspicion and unless you have been poor or really know if a job (a new start! at the bottom?) and divorce is going to be all that great then do what some do and enjoy the luck of marriage to a man with money - or go work in walmart forever poor
Athena Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Look, let me clarify what I am advising you to do... I am telling you to Give Him Consequences for going behind your back and on the one hand Agreeing to NOT do something, and then going ahead and doing it anyway, and expecting there to be nothing to pay for! Why should YOU be in the weakened position? Give him a CONSEQUENCE... one he does NOT like! So, in the future, he will have learned NOT to do that -- to lie/deceive you and do what the hell he likes! I am not saying to divorce him, I am saying to punish him. If you do not punish him, guess what? You will have taught him a valuable lesson -- that you are ineffective and don't punish his bad behavior. Rather let him learn it's not worth it to cross the wife... boys or no boys... he made his choice, now let him reap the consequences. Don't be ineffective and weak... make him Uncomfortable, because if you don't, you will be sorry, over and over again in the course of your marriage. Make your decision. Be a weak wimp, or a woman with a will. You expect high standards from yourself, and he benefits from that, well, then, he needs to step up to the high standards and behave the same way. Don't let him get off scott-free!
darkmoon Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 (edited) punish him - sooo loveable NOT and nobody knows for sure if he won't say **** you goodbye - off to Walmart to work then based on a strangers' collective reaction here - to mere hearsay - we have no real proof of what he did or did not do Edited April 21, 2012 by darkmoon
maybealone Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 we have no real proof of what he did or did not do We know he had an affair a year ago, and at this point should be working to regain his wife's trust. Instead, we know he told her he would not go to a strip club but then went anyway -- the old "It's easier to ask forgiveness after than to ask permission before." It's possible absolutely nothing happened other than some drinking and cheering. Personally, I don't think going to strip clubs is any big deal. But the point (to me, anyway) is not the club itself but him lying to his wife at a time when he should be working to earn her trust again. That said, if the OP allows her husband to know he has the "upper hand" and that there will never be any consequences, the husband will continue to lie and cheat. Why change if there is absolutely no reason to change? OP, I suggest before you continue a defeatist attitude with your husband, you consult a lawyer. Find out what your real options are before you just sit back and let him do whatever he wants. That in no way means you have to leave him or plan to leave him, but it will arm you with the information you need to be stronger. In the meantime, don't apologize and don't act wimpy. Think of your children when they are adults -- how would you hope they behave in this situation? I doubt you would want them to do nothing because they feel stuck.
darkmoon Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 (edited) "and at this point should be working to regain his wife's trust" look i am not sure what OP has to gain by telling her husband what he should do - how can you be sure you are not causing an argument that might end the marriage? men are not known to enjoy obedience-training next thing is his punctured libido as a result OP has left the forum anyway but to tell a man what he should do is not what i would do if i was hoping to actually get on with him, sorry but that's me "should" is too bossy for anyone we are slowly burning a marriage down, just starting to... Edited April 22, 2012 by darkmoon
maybealone Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 men are not known to enjoy obedience-training I absolutely agree with this. But in my opinion, a man should be prepared to give up some of his freedom -- at least temporarily -- when he is caught cheating but wants to save the marriage. It's not like she even stopped him from going to an out-of-town boys' weekend, which I bet a lot of spouses would have a problem with only a year after an affair. And if the peer pressure to go was a big deal (and I can see where it could be), nothing was stopping him from telling his wife ahead of time. I don't think this needs to be a huge argument, but not mentioning it again is effectively telling her husband that he can do whatever he wants without regards to his wife's feelings.
Recommended Posts