Moving in with Long distance girlfriend

[Ani]

This is a really long post. Would love to hear some advice and good luck wishes. I don't know if asking for help or advice is against the rules. So forgive me if it is.

 

Hello everyone, I'm a long time lurker but this is my first post. I have read many of your stories about your long distance relationship and they've gave me hope on mine.

 

I've been in a long distance relationship for 20 months now. We live in different states. She lives in Illinois. While I in Texas. We're madly in love with each other and are planning into loving in together. Now there are few problems with that.

 

My gf parents don't know we've been together for this long. So they have no idea I exist. You guys may be wondering. Well why hasn't she told them? Well my GF is raised in an Indian Muslim family, and they are religious. The mom is and I mean extremely religious and the dad is an individual who believes money is everything. They've threatened her that they would send her to India if she didn't do what they want her. They want her to become a doctor and if she was to get a boyfriend they would send her packing. They are dead serious as they've almost done it before. For this reason my existence and our relationship existence doesn't exist. Another major problem is I'm Catholic and it's against the Muslim religion that a Muslim female dates or marries a none Muslim. So this is going to be a huge problem with her mom.

 

In her household she's not allowed to voice an opinion, and not allowed to be free. They monitor everything she does, her phone, her computer. Everything has software or plan that allows her parents to know what she does on those devices. Her parents pay extra to have the phone plan that allows them know who she calls, and to read her text messages.A little overboard don't you think?

 

Before you guys ask we talk through google talk on her psp. We also webcam through her PS3 daily and voice chat all night. Which her parents don't have control over.

 

Because she's not allowed to talk freely in her house and the fear of getting in trouble she doesn't tell them anything about her day or anything that has happened to her.

 

I'm the only one that she has told to that she was nearly raped 2 months before her and I began our relationship. I HATE myself for not being there to protect her. I hate that SOB for trying to touch her even though nothing happened. Her and I are still virgins I've respected her our entire 20 months. She's the only girl I've kissed and i'm the only guy she's ever kissed. For the both of us it's our first relationship. Before Anyone ask I'm 20 and she's 18. She knows everything about me and i about her. She knows I've been raised solely by my dad since I was 10 because my mother passed away from cancer. She knows I've dedicated myself to working and school since I was 13 to make sure my dad and sisters and i are good financially. I've dedicated my life to be there for my sister's and my dad. I know everything about her. And I love her alot.

 

Financially I'm in a good position. I have a job were I earn about 1.2k per month. That's not I know but it's enough for me to cover the rent of the apartment which is 595 and it includes all utilities plus cable. It's also a 2 bedroom and 2 bath apartment. We hace plans into making the other room into an office and her art area. I also have a few grand saved up in my bank account for rainy days. I have an associate in business management, and have been offered a job where I would be getting paid 700 weekly and would be off from work at 5 pm. I would also just be working in an office. And they are willing to work with my university schedule. I'm studying for software engineering now. I also do some software on the side were I can make from 200 per project up to 5 grand which is the highest I've been paid. My dad also runs a business and I work for him as well. So financially I'm ready for this. Plus she's also going to work. She wants to take a year off from school. Something I'm against!

 

Only thing I'm scared about is her college education. She will go to college. I'll get a second job if I have to. And get loans for her. Due to her dad earnings more then 100k we can't get her financial aid.

 

Now what's the problem? The problem is I have no idea how to tell her parents and/or how to do it. We have it planned on doing it on her day of her graduation. I'll meet them at a restaurant and tell them our intentions. We are well aware of what's going to happen. There is going to be a scene. We'll call the police if anything bad happens or they try to stop us.

 

Also English is not my first language so forgive me of there are some grammar mistakes.

 

I need advice .. And good luck wishes. I'm not scared. I'm excited I know this is well worth it.

Edited April 21, 2012 by Ani

[january2011]

After reading your OP, I'm not sure why you need to tell her parents right now.

 

Why not look for a way for her to study in your state and then once she is at college there, continue your relationship? I don't understand why you need to have the big confessional with her parents, 'run away together' as it were and build your life togther.

 

Edited to add: asking for help and advice is not against the rules - that's what we're here for!

[Ani]

After reading your OP, I'm not sure why you need to tell her parents right now.

 

Why not look for a way for her to study in your state and then once she is at college there, continue your relationship? I don't understand why you need to have the big confessional with her parents, 'run away together' as it were and build your life togther.

 

Edited to add: asking for help and advice is not against the rules - that's what we're here for!

 

Thank you for responding. The reason why we would have to basically "run away" is because her parents are scared to let go of her. If we were to tell her about our relationship, they are likely to kick her out or do what they've threatened to do before. If she was to get kicked out she wouldn't have the financial power to afford being on her own. If the second thing was to happen our relationship would be even further and harder for us go be together. Another thing she's tired of living basically in a prison. Having everything moderated. Not being able to go out with friends etc.

 

I'm not afraid of doing this. I just don't have an idea on how to present this to her parents. We'll see how it goes in a month.

[january2011]

You're welcome. But hold on, as you said, if you tell them, she's going to get kicked out or sent away.

 

So why tell the parents at this stage? What do you expect her parents do when you 'surprise' them with your relationship? If she does get kicked out, presumably she will travel to where you are and stay with you and you will suppor her, no? Isn't that what you're planning anyway? How does surprising her parents with an announcement change any of this?

 

If she is in the same state as you in college, she won't be further away, she will be closer. I'm a bit puzzled to your answer to this suggestion.

[Ani]

You're welcome. But hold on, as you said, if you tell them, she's going to get kicked out or sent away.

 

So why tell the parents at this stage? What do you expect her parents do when you 'surprise' them with your relationship? If she does get kicked out, presumably she will travel to where you are and stay with you and you will suppor her, no? Isn't that what you're planning anyway? How does surprising her parents with an announcement change any of this?

 

If she is in the same state as you in college, she won't be further away, she will be closer. I'm a bit puzzled to your answer to this suggestion.

We want her parents to know because they would know we are in a relationship. They would know her daughter is going to be safe. Not just leave and for her parents not to have an idea of how she's going to be. As I said before, we're not afraid.

 

We live in different states. I live in Texas, she lives in Illinois. There is a university and medical school where I live. Her dad is afraid to let go though.

[january2011]

We want her parents to know because they would know we are in a relationship. They would know her daughter is going to be safe. Not just leave and for her parents not to have an idea of how she's going to be. As I said before, we're not afraid.

 

We live in different states. I live in Texas, she lives in Illinois. There is a university and medical school where I live. Her dad is afraid to let go though.

 

Ani, I think you are placing a lot of faith on her parents being okay with this.

 

They don't know who you are and the first time you meet them, you are going to tell them that you are in a relationship with their daughter. I don't think they're going to take it well considering how they've restricted her movements so far and a complete stranger appearing on the scene would freak them out and they would not "know that she is safe."

 

Yes, I read that you were in different states and I suggested that she go to school in your state. Is the school in Texas better than the one in Illinois? Perhaps that's a good case for her going there. Besides, it's not as lost as you think it is. Even if she ends up at the one in Illinois, she has time away from them - she has more flexibility to communication with you.

 

Another thing is that at 18, she is an adult and is free to move about as she wishes. She does not have to have her parents' permission. The only thing that restricts her movements is her financial status. If you cannot support her, I think she might be better off sticking to her plans and you wait the years it takes for her to grow up a bit and get some college behind her.

[Ani]

Ani, I think you are placing a lot of faith on her parents being okay with this.

 

They don't know who you are and the first time you meet them, you are going to tell them that you are in a relationship with their daughter. I don't think they're going to take it well considering how they've restricted her movements so far and a complete stranger appearing on the scene would freak them out and they would not "know that she is safe."

 

Yes, I read that you were in different states and I suggested that she go to school in your state. Is the school in Texas better than the one in Illinois? Perhaps that's a good case for her going there. Besides, it's not as lost as you think it is. Even if she ends up at the one in Illinois, she has time away from them - she has more flexibility to communication with you.

 

Another thing is that at 18, she is an adult and is free to move about as she wishes. She does not have to have her parents' permission. The only thing that restricts her movements is her financial status. If you cannot support her, I think she might be better off sticking to her plans and you wait the years it takes for her to grow up a bit and get some college behind her.

Oh I know they are going to be against everything. That's why we have to call the police if anything bad happens or they try to stop us.

 

I just don't know how to present myself to them and how to tell them our intentions. Even though I know there is going to be a scene. We are "running away" together if they are against it.

[january2011]

Since you're adamant that this is the path you want to take, I don't have any additional advice, other than to suggest you 'get all your duck in a row' before you do it.

 

Good luck!

[pettie]

I think that, in a way, by confronting her parents is ultimately going to demonstrate them that you are mature and bold enough to actually do so, rather than just 'snatching' her away from them. It's going to definetely cause an scene, but I think that's the way it should be done.

 

If you are sure and set on doing so, remember that your attitude should be about informing them about your and your girlfriend's decision, rather than asking for permission or acceptance.

 

It's also a good thing that you have already thought about ways to support her and provide for her, knowing that the move will definetely leave her without any financial aid from her parents.

 

I wish you both the best of lucks.

[Ani]

I think that, in a way, by confronting her parents is ultimately going to demonstrate them that you are mature and bold enough to actually do so, rather than just 'snatching' her away from them. It's going to definetely cause an scene, but I think that's the way it should be done.

 

If you are sure and set on doing so, remember that your attitude should be about informing them about your and your girlfriend's decision, rather than asking for permission or acceptance.

 

It's also a good thing that you have already thought about ways to support her and provide for her, knowing that the move will definetely leave her without any financial aid from her parents.

 

I wish you both the best of lucks.

 

My girlfriend had the idea of just meeting me at the airport and just leave. I told her no. By confronting her parents, even though it'll cause a scene, her parents would know at least where and with who she's going to be with. It's also the mature way to do it. I'll leave them contact information and have my girlfriend call them even if they don't answer the phone. At least they'll know that their daughter is safe.

 

In time I believe wounds and problems will be healed. Especially if we are to do it the way I want to do it. They'll be aware of the type of individual her daughter is dating. And maybe in a year or so they'll see that her daughter is happy with me and i would be "admitted" to their family. This is wishful thinking of course.

 

We'll see how it goes. I'm excited to finally cut the distance, but scared of events that are going to take place.

 

Thanks for the good luck wishes.

[irin]

please dont tell her parents, theres no way you can be mature about this!

 

you have to be very careful, i come from similar culture i know you think you understand but most people dont! what ever you do dont confront her parents.

 

if both you decide to run away. you need to know that you will be the only person shell have. its not something to be taken lightly. your both very young. you dont know what your getting yourself into. let her grow up and be capable of taking care of herself, before she leaves her family. i know at her age and situation she is complaining and is unhappy. but the consequence's of disobeying her parents will a lot to deal with. dont make any serious decisions.

 

like the other comment said let her get to collage! then she can make her own decisions.

[Ani]

please dont tell her parents, theres no way you can be mature about this!

 

you have to be very careful, i come from similar culture i know you think you understand but most people dont! what ever you do dont confront her parents.

 

if both you decide to run away. you need to know that you will be the only person shell have. its not something to be taken lightly. your both very young. you dont know what your getting yourself into. let her grow up and be capable of taking care of herself, before she leaves her family. i know at her age and situation she is complaining and is unhappy. but the consequence's of disobeying her parents will a lot to deal with. dont make any serious decisions.

 

like the other comment said let her get to collage! then she can make her own decisions.

 

They want her to go to a college near them and live with them. She doesn't want to live there anymore. She wants to live with me. She knows id be her only family member and she's OK with that.

 

When she brings up going to an out of state university her parents tell her to shut up and go to her room. She's tired of feeling as a prisoner.

 

We are moving in even if they are against it. She wants her parents to know about us.

I don't know what to do.

[irin]

i dont know but is the whole Honour thing important to them? (this is very serious they would come and find her). if so then you are playing with fire! shes only 18 when she gets older it will get better trust me.

[Ani]

i dont know but is the whole Honour thing important to them? (this is very serious they would come and find her). if so then you are playing with fire! shes only 18 when she gets older it will get better trust me.

 

Her dad is afraid to let go because she was raised by her grandma and her mom till the age of 11. Then she and her mom moved to the states to live with her parents. So I'm guessing he's trying to make up for lost time?

 

She said they are into the honor thing. If they come to take her away. What can we do? Just call the police. She's 18 and has the right to make her life. I know it's going to be a huge scene. I feel really bad. Feel like I'm ruining her life at times. If we are to break up I've basically finished my software engineering career before It even started. Since her dad is in the same career and is a top guy.

 

She doesn't want to wait. I'm more willing to wait but she already wants to live with me.

[irin]

the only right thing for you to do is (if are serious about her) is to convert to islam and marry her!

 

her dad isnt afraid. its part of their culture for kids to stay at home until marriage.

if she does run away with you and then you break up, her life would be a mess! can you handle this kind of responsibility?

 

this up to you. but the only advise i can give you is to leave her alone. let her finish her education and have a stable life, income where she can handle this issue.

 

sorry, this can be very dangerous!

[Ani]

the only right thing for you to do is (if are serious about her) is to convert to islam and marry her!

 

her dad isnt afraid. its part of their culture for kids to stay at home until marriage.

if she does run away with you and then you break up, her life would be a mess! can you handle this kind of responsibility?

 

this up to you. but the only advise i can give you is to leave her alone. let her finish her education and have a stable life, income where she can handle this issue.

 

sorry, this can be very dangerous!

 

I'm willing to convert for her to Islam. Thing is she won't let me and

another thing is none of us are religious in our respective religions. We don't believe in God or Allah tbh.

 

I won't leave her. I'll wait for her but ill never leave her. She's worth it.

[irin]

I'm willing to convert for her to Islam. Thing is she won't let me and

another thing is none of us are religious in our respective religions. We don't believe in God or Allah tbh.

 

I won't leave her. I'll wait for her but ill never leave her. She's worth it.

 

okay you dont really have to believe in it, i dont either. but that it will make her family happy, get married safe and sound and move away where you can be happy! once you marry her with there permission they wont have much say in where you live.

 

if go and say we are running away to live in sin they will freak out it will not be good outcome. trust me follow the rules and convert and marry and then leave in peace. this is you best option!

[Ani]

okay you dont really have to believe in it, i dont either. but that it will make her family happy, get married safe and sound and move away where you can be happy! once you marry her with there permission they wont have much say in where you live.

 

if go and say we are running away to live in sin they will freak out it will not be good outcome. trust me follow the rules and convert and marry and then leave in peace. this is you best option!

 

She doesn't want to get married nor do I right now. We want to live together and get married. She wants to get married in 3 years.

 

Another thing is my GF is more into Hinduism then to islam. She wants to convert to Hinduism. I don't know what to do. We'll see how this summer goes.

[irin]

She doesn't want to get married nor do I right now. We want to live together and get married. She wants to get married in 3 years.

 

Another thing is my GF is more into Hinduism then to islam. She wants to convert to Hinduism. I don't know what to do. We'll see how this summer goes.

 

well all i can say is good luck to you both. i seriously hope non of you get hurt in this!

[Ani]

Oh my girlfriend misunderstood my question about the honor. She said her parents aren't into the whole honor thing and that they aren't extremist. They would just disown her.

[TMichaels]

Sorry, it's not clear from your posts, but do either of you have US citizenship?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Ani]

Sorry, it's not clear from your posts, but do either of you have US citizenship?

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Sorry about that Michael and yes both of us are USA citizens. Well I was born in California. She, on the other hand, was born in India but has a green card. In 5 years we have apply for her Citizenship.