Dating an officer

[surferchic]

Hi loveshack. I would like input from all and especially any MILITARY or LAW ENFORCEMENT or SPOUSES of law enforcement.

 

I recently started dating a cop 6 months ago. His duty is typically pretty rough and gritty. My neighbor introduced us btw. He often told my neighbor how attractive he thinks I am. Up until recently,he never told me but news would get back to me. So basically he warms up but at a VERY slow pace...

 

By being around him you would notice how attentive he is to his surroundings and he sometimes appears to me to be uneasy or nervous...however very mannerable, kind and protective towards me. When we get together he often seems a bit tense but after a few minutes he seems to warm up. I can sometimes hardly believe he's a cop because he thinks everything I do is sweet or cute and he's so kind(there's a sensitive side to him) Still...I usually have to put him at ease and he does seem to like it. Im a more free spirited person and try not to take myself too seriously. I make him laugh a lot and he tells me how "good"(that's as detailed as he gets) I make him feel... physically and emotionally. Yes, I care. Yes he's told me he cares for me. He even seems like a rather sensitive soul sometimes ... However, I find myself contemplating whether this is for me and how do I open up dialogue about how his work affects his personal life wthout coming across as trying to change him. Other than the word "good" and me being beautiful or cute, He's not very verbal about how he's feeling personally or regarding the two of us. I need to hear verbal expressions from him from time to time. Otherwise, I see myself shutting down emotionally from him. Hes told me that generally he can show me better than he can tell me where he's coming from...The reason I'm in loveshack is because I really feel think he's a great guy(will do anything to please me,but lacking some social/ intimacy skills. Plus hes admitted to being very stubborn... so am I...

Any hoo, he's very polite a introduced me to his coworkers and seemed so much more comfortable around the guys...almost like a totally different person! He seemed so much more confident...it was amazing...

 

Key points:

-His schedule is MUCH different from mine.

-I feel like he's not emotionally transparent -enough

-He often follows my lead...EMOTIONALLY/INTIMATELY.I wanna follow his lead

-He's very giving, helpful& protective.great!

-we live in a big city on the west coast and crime is usually rampant.I feel like he takes his "tough shell" home .

-he hasn't said anything about the future of this relationship.he jokingly mentioned us needing to see each other more often. it happens once or twice but its not regular. He knows this and even mentioned how the sad part about his job is that he can't really do anything because of the shedule.he's pretty consistent in terms of the way he treats me its just not regular enough for me to even gauge how he handles stress on his job vs at home.I only notice the fact that we aren't able to have frequent interaction.

-he makes jokes about domestic violence...the jokes are never funny to me.is that suppose to be cop humor?? I've witnessed domestic violence growing up and don't find it funny.that's when I do get serious.

-are cops controlling and violent as a way to release steam or just because there is no coping technique taught to them?

 

 

Im pretty tough to an extent but im human and desire human contact and attention a bit more regularly. Although im not trying to be a "player", I sometimes contemplate dating other people even though he mentioned not wanting to "share" me. He hasn't done anything about our infrequent time together. So what does he expect me to do... we're not engaged or anything and he seems very emotionally hard to read.I don't intend to try figuring him out all the time.

 

Am I equipped to deal with a relationship like this? Any suggestions as to how to cope?

[Star Gazer]

First, IME, military officers are an entirely different breed from police officers/law enforcement (unless of course they're military police). For example, a military doctor is an "officer." I think you're confusing what an "officer" is.

 

Second, I've dated several cops/sheriffs/law enforcement. They've been as varied as any other profession in terms of their personalities and how they behave in relationships. That said, the one consistent factor has been a level of emotional unavailability that I am just not capable of handling long-term.

[january2011]

• Job usually comes first
  
• A certain degree of compartmentalisation of emotions (the emotional unavailability Star Gazer mentioned)
  
• He may not be able to talk about his job with you
  
• PTSD
  
• Long and varied work hours with very little time off
  
• You'll probably be expected to keep the home-life stable and consistent, which means that if you have kids together, you might end up pretty much raising them alone
  
• Calls in the early hours of the morning
  

This is by no means an exhaustive list nor does it apply to every military/law enforcement person.

 

I don't know if you're ready to cope. You might just have to play it by ear. There might be a 'support group' for partners of law enforcement you can access. There's usually a ready-made lifestyle and social network that's built around 'the job'.

[Star Gazer]

• Job usually comes first
  
• A certain degree of compartmentalisation of emotions (the emotional unavailability Star Gazer mentioned)
  
• He may not be able to talk about his job with you
  
• PTSD
  
• Long and varied work hours with very little time off
  
• You'll probably be expected to keep the home-life stable and consistent, which means that if you have kids together, you might end up pretty much raising them alone

 

Actually... this is all consistent with the military too. I was thinking more of relationship-behavior rather than overall relationship-environment. So, I kinda take back my first post.

[january2011]

Actually... this is all consistent with the military too. I was thinking more of relationship-behavior rather than overall relationship-environment. So, I kinda take back my first post.

 

With the military, there are the bonus balls of being gone for days, weeks, months, even a year+ and relocation - difficult for the partner and kids to lay down roots, so she'd need a portable career/skills or forgo a career and be a homemaker/childminder. And depending on where he is deployed, watching the news can be quite difficult. Plus you'd need to be very careful about what you say to anyone due to persec and opsec.

 

Edit: I'm sorry Star, hope this doesn't rake up anything painful for you.

Edited April 21, 2012 by january2011

[surferchic]

Thanks for the comments thus far guys.

 

Btw, I know the difference btwn officer and cop. I have reasons for being a bit vague with the title and otherwise.

 

I guess we haven't discussed having a family together yet he does metion kids and how he knows he will make a GREAT (his words) father, he just can't deal with spoiled/bad @SS kids...lol.

 

For this guy I may be willing to adapt more if of course he initiates some type of commitment. Otherwise, I don't intend to initiate anything serious on that level. I still believe in chivalry and I've never initiated any commitment with any man.

 

I guess I'll just play it by ear to some extent, as you mentioned...then go from there.

Edited April 21, 2012 by surferchic

[FitChick]

I knew someone ages ago who dated a cop but all I remember her saying about him was that whenever they went to a restaurant, he had to sit facing the door and he always backed into a parking space instead of going head in. For some reason those two things have stuck in my mind.

 

If you want a protector/provider, you'd get that with him. I've heard that a high percentage of cops marry nurses because they meet them in emergency rooms and they both work crazy hours.

 

If he was a cop in Beverly Hills, I wouldn't worry about his safety but in a high crime area, I would.

[Star Gazer]

I knew someone ages ago who dated a cop but all I remember her saying about him was that whenever they went to a restaurant, he had to sit facing the door...

 

This is true of every cop I've ever known, friend or otherwise. He always had to have the best/fullest/clearest view of the restaurant.

[Star Gazer]

With the military, there are the bonus balls of being gone for days, weeks, months, even a year+ and relocation - difficult for the partner and kids to lay down roots, so she'd need a portable career/skills or forgo a career and be a homemaker/childminder. And depending on where he is deployed, watching the news can be quite difficult. Plus you'd need to be very careful about what you say to anyone due to persec and opsec.

 

Edit: I'm sorry Star, hope this doesn't rake up anything painful for you.

 

It doesn't, but thank you for being kind.

 

I do tend to avoid the news now, or at least searching for information about what's going on in the provinces where he does most of his work. I wasn't so good about that when he first left, and I wound up freaking myself out and one night even having a mini-meltdown. But when big things happen - the recent collaborative attacks, for example - it's hard to avoid.

 

And of course, as the strong SO back home, you can't go ranting or whining to him about what a hard time you're having coping with his absence or the knowledge of the danger he's in. You have to keep your own emotions in check, and just support/be there for them. It's "their turn," so to speak. That's tough.

 

And OPSEC is still awkward for me. I'm so insanely vague with everyone that they think I'm being misled or something... That's annoying.

[JesseJames]

I don't understand how you can deal with a huge city with crime and insanity everywhere, but a dealing with a nice man.... you're not sure if you're equipped?

[blindesided]

Hi loveshack. I would like input from all and especially any MILITARY or LAW ENFORCEMENT or SPOUSES of law enforcement.

 

I recently started dating a cop 6 months ago. His duty is typically pretty rough and gritty. My neighbor introduced us btw. He often told my neighbor how attractive he thinks I am. Up until recently,he never told me but news would get back to me. So basically he warms up but at a VERY slow pace...

 

By being around him you would notice how attentive he is to his surroundings and he sometimes appears to me to be uneasy or nervous...however very mannerable, kind and protective towards me. When we get together he often seems a bit tense but after a few minutes he seems to warm up. I can sometimes hardly believe he's a cop because he thinks everything I do is sweet or cute and he's so kind(there's a sensitive side to him) Still...I usually have to put him at ease and he does seem to like it. Im a more free spirited person and try not to take myself too seriously. I make him laugh a lot and he tells me how "good"(that's as detailed as he gets) I make him feel... physically and emotionally. Yes, I care. Yes he's told me he cares for me. He even seems like a rather sensitive soul sometimes ... However, I find myself contemplating whether this is for me and how do I open up dialogue about how his work affects his personal life wthout coming across as trying to change him. Other than the word "good" and me being beautiful or cute, He's not very verbal about how he's feeling personally or regarding the two of us. I need to hear verbal expressions from him from time to time. Otherwise, I see myself shutting down emotionally from him. Hes told me that generally he can show me better than he can tell me where he's coming from...The reason I'm in loveshack is because I really feel think he's a great guy(will do anything to please me,but lacking some social/ intimacy skills. Plus hes admitted to being very stubborn... so am I...

Any hoo, he's very polite a introduced me to his coworkers and seemed so much more comfortable around the guys...almost like a totally different person! He seemed so much more confident...it was amazing...

 

Key points:

-His schedule is MUCH different from mine.

-I feel like he's not emotionally transparent -enough

-He often follows my lead...EMOTIONALLY/INTIMATELY.I wanna follow his lead

-He's very giving, helpful& protective.great!

-we live in a big city on the west coast and crime is usually rampant.I feel like he takes his "tough shell" home .

-he hasn't said anything about the future of this relationship.he jokingly mentioned us needing to see each other more often. it happens once or twice but its not regular. He knows this and even mentioned how the sad part about his job is that he can't really do anything because of the shedule.he's pretty consistent in terms of the way he treats me its just not regular enough for me to even gauge how he handles stress on his job vs at home.I only notice the fact that we aren't able to have frequent interaction.

-he makes jokes about domestic violence...the jokes are never funny to me.is that suppose to be cop humor?? I've witnessed domestic violence growing up and don't find it funny.that's when I do get serious.

-are cops controlling and violent as a way to release steam or just because there is no coping technique taught to them?

 

 

Im pretty tough to an extent but im human and desire human contact and attention a bit more regularly. Although im not trying to be a "player", I sometimes contemplate dating other people even though he mentioned not wanting to "share" me. He hasn't done anything about our infrequent time together. So what does he expect me to do... we're not engaged or anything and he seems very emotionally hard to read.I don't intend to try figuring him out all the time.

 

Am I equipped to deal with a relationship like this? Any suggestions as to how to cope?

I never dated a cop but I was in a 6mos relationship that sounds similar to yours. We had great times together - he was always very sweet & attentive. He too wasnt very expressive verbally though. I always thought actions speak louder than words. Well in this case I was wrong. Out of the blue he tells me he just doesnt see a future with me. He was hoping "love" feelings would develop but they didnt. The next week he was seeing someone else. My lesson learned - you need words & actions. My eyes are open now & for the next guy I know what to look out for.

[surferchic]

I don't understand how you can deal with a huge city with crime and insanity everywhere, but a dealing with a nice man.... you're not sure if you're equipped?

 

Well, I CAN definitely deal with a nice guy. It's just the variables that come with the profession that I don't know if I can stomach. Plus, this nice guy is emotionally withholding so that's what I mean when I say I don't know if im equipped. If there is no commitment then there's no reason for me to make any real sacrifice emotional or otherwise.

 

If im being unreasonable someone please let me know. Though I don't think I am. Im also aware that 6 months into a relationship is not very long... I just don't want to waste time if this guy is having second thoughts about us or if he is never going to be more open with his feelings.

[surferchic]

I never dated a cop but I was in a 6mos relationship that sounds similar to yours. We had great times together - he was always very sweet & attentive. He too wasnt very expressive verbally though. I always thought actions speak louder than words. Well in this case I was wrong. Out of the blue he tells me he just doesnt see a future with me. He was hoping "love" feelings would develop but they didnt. The next week he was seeing someone else. My lesson learned - you need words & actions. My eyes are open now & for the next guy I know what to look out for.

 

Wow. Sorry to hear that, but it's great that a lesson was learned.

 

At this point I've decided to pull back a bit simply because its draining trying to figure people out. I don't care to be a mind reader. Nor do I put any profession on a pedestal. I have a lot on my plate without trying to wait around for disappointment or emotional unavailability.

[muse08]

Im so glad I ran across this thread. Hopefully you will work things out surferchic. Sounds like he's a really nice guy... However, I think there is either a big adjustment you both are going to have to make or you may have to just wait it out and see how things go...?

 

Your feelings should be considered just as much as his. Yes I understand that his job is physically and emotionally demanding so for that reason you both really need to have a discussion about how to make it work if that's what you want.

 

Im interested in reading some responses from a few cops to get a better sense of where their heads are at when they are withholding with words but not with actions. I think people in general need both...a balance...

Edited April 21, 2012 by muse08

[chryssy83]

I work in law enforcement, so I know a lot of "cops." More significant to this conversation, though, is that three of my best friends are married to them. I have talked to several of my cop friends about their dating lives and psychological issues that go along with the job.

 

First though....I call them officers. Officer is the lowest rank in our police department and is the language used in all our statutes to refer to individual commissioned police, sheriff's deputies, troopers, etc. They are all officers.

 

Officers are as different as any other group of people. You can't assume every one of them will have all the same issues...of my friends' husbands, for example, only one is emotionally unavailable. Some are all about the job, others know how to turn it off.

 

Generally speaking, rates of alcoholism, domestic violence, infidelity, and suicide are higher among this population. But part of that is the job and part of it can be the type of person drawn to the job.

 

I think dealing with the schedule, etc is all about the job. His personality is about him. If you don't see the relationship working with him, then that's what matters.

 

Finally re: joking about DV....it depends on how he's doing it, but we joke about a lot of things in this field we shouldn't because of something called vicarious trauma....it's a coping mechanism to deal with seeing the worst side of humanity every day. Or he coul just be a controlling jerk who thinks its funny. Ask him sometime why he jokes and tell him you don't think it's funny but want to understand where he's coming from. He may just be trying to cope with the fact that daily he encounters victims who can't or won't be helped.

[surferchic]

Thanks muse08 . I plan on having a conversation about this with him but at the right time and without being too emotional. I don't want to sound like im blaming him for anything and I don't to push him away. However, if having real talk about how I feel pushes him away then I guess I'll have to charge it to the game...

 

Today im feeling really down about it because things are not clear. Its not even that I have to see him right now, I just need to know that im not in this alone.

 

I grew up with a father who was really neglectful so when a guy is emotionally distant I start backing away because its painful and I feel like there's no need to explain all this to someone. I'd rather not have to unless they ask or insist. I guess I sound like a whimp but oh well...

[FitChick]

I grew up with a father who was really neglectful so when a guy is emotionally distant I start backing away because its painful ..

 

Have you found yourself choosing similar men in the past?

[surferchic]

Have you found yourself choosing similar men in the past?

 

My last guy was overbearing and called excessively, which is how my father was with my mother prior to them divorcing when I was 7.

 

The other guys have been a combo of both. Two were excessive and two were emotionally unavailable...

[luvflower]

Interesting. So you don't think you're "equipped"?

 

I think you're equipped. You just may not choose to deal with this on a regular basis. I was in a similar situation where the cop was a really cool guy but his social skills were lacking. Meaning often I was the one he looked to for comfort and therapy even, to some extent. It can be draining especially when you're not sure from day to day how he may come home feeling and the intensity of his feelings. We're still friends...just friends.

 

Im surprised more men haven't responded to this thread...

 

Hope things work out with your guy though. Perhaps you could get advice from a support group for cop wives & families etc, before making a decision about him.

[muse08]

So any new developments?

 

Have you discussed any of your feelings with him?

[surferchic]

It CAN be draining when he doesn't express himself.

 

I have playfully mentioned my observation that he refuses to accept help or admit somethings wrong with him on the slightest level. So expressing how he feels is a challenge that he may be pondering. He often surprises me when I don't think he's paying attention to my concern,he'll bring it up again later or rectify it in some way...I must give him credit for that.

 

However, his schedule is a bit more out of his control and we have no true commitment, at least not yet and I have no idea of what he wants in terms of a future with me. He wont initiate discussion about it.as funny as it may seem I initiate most serious conversations as well as more laid back and open conversations that put him at ease. Once he notices how at ease I am, he then seems to relax and open up.

 

Its like pulling teeth to get him to respond to emotional questions. But what I've notied is that when I jokingly tell him that he doesn't care about me or something related to US, he immediately corrects me and says "don't say that.I do care".

 

I try holding on to the positive...for now until my patience runs out.im human...

Edited April 22, 2012 by surferchic

[luvflower]

Hang in there surferchic. Patience is a virtue. And if he's consistent with mostly everything else then he might be worth it. But of course only you can be he judge.

[Emilia]

 

Officers are as different as any other group of people. You can't assume every one of them will have all the same issues...of my friends' husbands, for example, only one is emotionally unavailable. Some are all about the job, others know how to turn it off.

 

Generally speaking, rates of alcoholism, domestic violence, infidelity, and suicide are higher among this population. But part of that is the job and part of it can be the type of person drawn to the job.

 

[...]

 

Finally re: joking about DV....it depends on how he's doing it, but we joke about a lot of things in this field we shouldn't because of something called vicarious trauma....it's a coping mechanism to deal with seeing the worst side of humanity every day.

 

This is a very good post. I went out with a Para whom I had known before he joined up and we have kept in touch on/off for years. He is the person he is because of nurture/nature,etc, nothing to do with the Army. He has his issues but he isn't emotionally unavailable - and his Regiment is one of the toughest in terms of the type of guys that join them, even within the Infantry.

 

I can also relate to your friend's sense of humour OP. I joked with my Army ex when 6 boys were blown up in Afghanistan in an armoured vehincle, there was also a fire. The joke was distasteful by most people's standards but it's a way of coping with the thought of people you know being killed violently or burnt alive. It's obviously domestic violence that he finds disturbing the most.

[surferchic]

I work in law enforcement, so I know a lot of "cops." More significant to this conversation, though, is that three of my best friends are married to them. I have talked to several of my cop friends about their dating lives and psychological issues that go along with the job.

 

First though....I call them officers. Officer is the lowest rank in our police department and is the language used in all our statutes to refer to individual commissioned police, sheriff's deputies, troopers, etc. They are all officers.

 

Officers are as different as any other group of people. You can't assume every one of them will have all the same issues...of my friends' husbands, for example, only one is emotionally unavailable. Some are all about the job, others know how to turn it off.

 

Generally speaking, rates of alcoholism, domestic violence, infidelity, and suicide are higher among this population. But part of that is the job and part of it can be the type of person drawn to the job.

 

I think dealing with the schedule, etc is all about the job. His personality is about him. If you don't see the relationship working with him, then that's what matters.

 

Finally re: joking about DV....it depends on how he's doing it, but we joke about a lot of things in this field we shouldn't because of something called vicarious trauma....it's a coping mechanism to deal with seeing the worst side of humanity every day. Or he coul just be a controlling jerk who thinks its funny. Ask him sometime why he jokes and tell him you don't think it's funny but want to understand where he's coming from. He may just be trying to cope with the fact that daily he encounters victims who can't or won't be

helped.

 

 

Thanks I got a lot out of reading your post.

 

I do get that officers are all different. I just also realize that many of them have some tings in common and that's their way of coping with the things they see everyday and the need to turn off serious emotions in order to deal with the tasks at Henderson while working.

 

The thing is, my guy is not emotionally unavailable completely. So I never meant that but he does not initiate serious conversations about our relationship(is that being emotionally unavailable ) and even right now he's taking his time responding to a "sweet" vcmail I left him about how I understand thf nature of his job and that I will be there for him .he just has to make me aware of how he wants the relationship to go on especially when we don't have daily contact w/one another.

 

To give a brief idea of how he is let me explain his demeanor. Hes very intelligent and carinng. I can see that (even his mom says that about him)WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER!...Upon first meeting him he was and still is very kind and jovial, seemed kind of awkward socially not making all the right gestures, lost for words,kinda nervous...it was cute. He's still the same. He took me to a job function where I met many of his coworkers. He checked on me to make sure I was ok but his friend had to prompt him to bring me over to introduce me to them because they didn't believe he actually knew me. He tells me how beautiful he thinks I am a lot and how cute my gestures are(in that realm he's expressive). So when I finally met everyone thy laughed it off and told him wow man what were you waiting for... Also, though we met through a neighbor, his family Basset him up With blind dates in hopes of someone connecting win him.he told me he couldn't believe I was actually hot,lol when the neighbor and his father told him about me

To me, he is not responding to me message because he doesn't know what to say.

 

The past few weeks have been hard because he hasn't beenvery verbal and we havenet seen eah other much.I want to express exactly how I feel but don't wanna send him running for the hills by being overwhelmed with my statements. Funny thing is this------ he seems to followup lead and open up more when he sees how laid back I am around him. Its like he needs me to make the first 'moves' or joke around in order for him to relax and joke around...literally. you should see him. I care to him dearly but I don't know how to emotionally reach him right now. I can't sell myself short by not having my needs met to some degree. Plz tell me if im overreacting. Thnx

[surferchic]

Plz excuse typos! I meant follow my lead not followup....