Imajerk17 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I would say that the one thing about dating that I find most wearing is just how bad people seem to treat each other. Made contact with a girl online (not the one I was referring to in my previous thread) last week. We had a great 2-hour conversation on the phone. We met for the date on Sunday. I drove up to see her. Wow, even prettier in person. But it seemed that she was never really into it. I left the date feeling drained because, from our great phone conversation and her looking so amazing, I liked her and I found myself wanting her to like me. We had made tentative plans to meet up this weekend, last week. But all of this week, she completely disappeared into the ethos. Won't return a phone call, text, or an email. (Yes I tried all 3.) And for some reason I am just really sad about this. WTF. I get that both men and women disappear, so I don't want this to turn into a gender war. BUT have basic manners gone by the wayside? Is it that hard to return a phone call, email, or text? I'd love to say that disappearing acts say more about the person doing them, but I wonder about this. Many otherwise wonderful people seem to put the people they meet for first dates into a different category. It's like these people aren't even human and worth a response. Rant over... 1
firehawk_1 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 its how women are. believe me. then they wonder why there arent any decent guys and they dont get it. so simple.
SmileFace Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 A little off topic However how much dates do you go on regularly from old?
RedRobin Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Both genders do it. I find it seems to be a function of OLD because of the anonymity. There are no consequences for being a jerk. Won't do it anymore. At least IRL, one has to make some attempt at 'leaving the scene' with some decorum and diplomacy unless they want a bad reputation. Seems easy enough to say, thanks but no thanks or something along those lines.
january2011 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Some people don't like to deal with the confrontation and disappointment when they tell someone, "no." It's the path of least resistance (for them) to disappear rather than be classy and honest. Given how OLD works and indeed even in-person dating, there's this idea that someone better/more compatible will be just around the corner. For some that's true, but for others, perhaps not so much. 2
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I have had this happen to me before. Almost the same exact deal. Better looking in person, etc. Except with me she agreed to a 3rd date, canceled the day of and then disappeared. Happens I guess.
iris219 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Are you surprised? You said you could tell she wasn't feeling it. What do you want from her? A verbal rejection? Would that actually make it better? You're a stranger to her and we all have busy, stressful lives. She clearly didn't want to add one more source of stress (i.e. having an uncomfortable talk with you). It was easier (and easy) to pretend you never existed. 1
lilyblue Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Agree with an above post - both genders certainly do it. I was on the other side of the coin (for once...) yesterday. I went out with a guy twice and he was texting/calling about a third date. I put off (for hours, not for days or anything) responding to him because I knew I didn't want to go out with him again but I also didn't want to hurt his feelings. I'm SO non-confrontational. I don't know that it's that bad to disappear after one or two dates, but I do feel like it is probably nicer to let them know, though at the time it feels less-nice for some reason. I've been vanished on in an actual relationship. That completely sucks, but in hindsight it probably was his inability to deal with confrontation as well. Not that that makes it right.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 With me it was weird because the girl was practically begging me to ask her out for a third date.
Star Gazer Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 You liked her. She apparently didn't feel the same way. Disappearing act or direct rejection, the end result is still the same: it sucks. And it does say more about her than you. Really. 1
Princess71 Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I've mostly had the experience of guys disappearing on me. But before you think its better to get a call back instead, consider this. I once had a date with a guy who I thought was really cute and I was hoping he was going to call and ask me for a second. So the next day after the date I was out all day and when I returned home there was a message from him on my home phone asking me to call him back. I was soooo excited! It was my experience that if they call, they are interested. Well, it was too late that night to call back so I just enjoyed my euphoria and called the next day. That's when he proceeds to tell me that upon thinking about it, he's actually seeing two other women and he " doesn't think that's something I'd want to get involved with". WTF???? My heart SUNK. I was stunned. I thanked him for coming clean and not disappearing on me. It was refreshing to have someone be honest. But I was hurt. And VERY disappointed. You can't escape the pain.
udolipixie Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 She wasn't really into it, seems the interest levels differed greatly, you wanted her to like you rather than got the impression she did, and the plans were tentative so the disappearing act isn't all that surprising to me. Especially considering you're a stranger and she may like many women have experienced bad reactions by men who get rejected and would rather not deal with possible a confrontation or she may be busy and not consider it worth her time preferring what she deems an indirect subtle rejection. To me whether she did the disappearing act or rejected directly it would still be she didn't consider you worthy to date, engage with, or have a relationship. Basic manners to me have long been at the wayside and going by many womens experiences of men's crude/offensive approaches or shouts and sexually assaulting/harassing them when in public. I'm a bit intrigued over what life have you lead for it to take dating to see how perhaps basic manners have gone by the wayside.
TheFinalWord Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I would say that the one thing about dating that I find most wearing is just how bad people seem to treat each other. Made contact with a girl online (not the one I was referring to in my previous thread) last week. We had a great 2-hour conversation on the phone. We met for the date on Sunday. I drove up to see her. Wow, even prettier in person. But it seemed that she was never really into it. I left the date feeling drained because, from our great phone conversation and her looking so amazing, I liked her and I found myself wanting her to like me. We had made tentative plans to meet up this weekend, last week. But all of this week, she completely disappeared into the ethos. Won't return a phone call, text, or an email. (Yes I tried all 3.) And for some reason I am just really sad about this. WTF. I get that both men and women disappear, so I don't want this to turn into a gender war. BUT have basic manners gone by the wayside? Is it that hard to return a phone call, email, or text? I'd love to say that disappearing acts say more about the person doing them, but I wonder about this. Many otherwise wonderful people seem to put the people they meet for first dates into a different category. It's like these people aren't even human and worth a response. Rant over... Yeah I went through the same thing a few months back. I spent about 80+ hours on the phone and we had great conversations. One date and the girl disappeared. She did text me a few days later and said she didn't feel any chemistry. It was disappointing b/c I liked her. But what can you do... With OLD, don't spend tons of time on the phone before meeting. Just us OLD as a way to meet available people. It's too risky that you'll form a bond on the phone and then not hit it off in real life. Then the first date, just keep it to something light like coffee. Protect yourself from forming any bond too fast.
Author Imajerk17 Posted April 21, 2012 Author Posted April 21, 2012 (edited) This was a rant as much as anything else. As much as I think it sucks, I get that manners are in decline. I also get the reasons why people "disappear". And when it comes to some things such as these, I am admittedly a pretty sensitive person. I'm don't know why that is really, but it just is. I do appreciate the perspectives of those who disagree with me on this though (udolpixie and iris). Almost like hearing the perspective from the women who did the disappearing act. Edited April 21, 2012 by Imajerk17
dasein Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 It's plain rude, no sugarcoat or rationalization possible. People who do this kind of thing are low quality, good on you for getting the news fast so as not to waste more time on a dud. 2
daphne Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Sorry it's getting you down. I let a guy know if he calls/writes again if I don't think there's a connection. I can't possibly respond to all of the winks/emails. Plus, sometimes they go psycho when you politely decline. But if I've met someone out for coffee or a date and didn't click, I have almost always let them know gently that I wasn't interested. Except the one nightmare date who told a fat woman that she was hideous. I just thanked him for the date after and never responded to anything else. I would say it's better they disappear after one date than further down the road. I had that happen, and I would have much rather it had happened on date one. I had never, ever had that happen before from online or elsewhere but I've heard it's not uncommon online. 1
PhillyDude Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I would say that the one thing about dating that I find most wearing is just how bad people seem to treat each other. Made contact with a girl online (not the one I was referring to in my previous thread) last week. We had a great 2-hour conversation on the phone. We met for the date on Sunday. I drove up to see her. Wow, even prettier in person. But it seemed that she was never really into it. I left the date feeling drained because, from our great phone conversation and her looking so amazing, I liked her and I found myself wanting her to like me. We had made tentative plans to meet up this weekend, last week. But all of this week, she completely disappeared into the ethos. Won't return a phone call, text, or an email. (Yes I tried all 3.) And for some reason I am just really sad about this. WTF. I get that both men and women disappear, so I don't want this to turn into a gender war. BUT have basic manners gone by the wayside? Is it that hard to return a phone call, email, or text? I'd love to say that disappearing acts say more about the person doing them, but I wonder about this. Many otherwise wonderful people seem to put the people they meet for first dates into a different category. It's like these people aren't even human and worth a response. Rant over... In Philly we call this the "quiet fade off" lol Same thing happened to me in march but nothing to do but move on. It will be out of your system in about a week.
PhillyDude Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 OP it's just life in the dating world. As long as you continue to date it will happen to you again along with successes. Just like me in March, that was my first blow off in about 2 years and it will happen again at some point as long as I continue to go out on dates.
Star Gazer Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 And when it comes to some things such as these, I am admittedly a pretty sensitive person. I'm don't know why that is really, but it just is. It's because you care - and that's normal and healthy and totally understandable. You know what it would take for you to treat someone with that disrespect, and you're projecting those feelings onto this girl. But the two of you are very different. Just remember that. 1
thehead Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Both genders do it. I find it seems to be a function of OLD because of the anonymity. There are no consequences for being a jerk. Won't do it anymore. At least IRL, one has to make some attempt at 'leaving the scene' with some decorum and diplomacy unless they want a bad reputation. Seems easy enough to say, thanks but no thanks or something along those lines. I agree with this. A co-worker of mine asked if the disappearing act was a California thing. She's a lesbian from out of state. She claims to never have encountered it before moving here. The common denominator is she's also doing OLD for the first time and that anonymity seems to make for an easy out.
PhillyDude Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I agree with this. A co-worker of mine asked if the disappearing act was a California thing. She's a lesbian from out of state. She claims to never have encountered it before moving here. The common denominator is she's also doing OLD for the first time and that anonymity seems to make for an easy out. That's why people do it and will continue to do it. It's a easy out.
SJC2008 Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 OP this is similar to my common courtesy thread. Posters seem a little more laid back this go around. On mine a few said it was rude and most said they owe you nothing (poor word choice on my part) unless you are exclusive. I rebutted one with "so I can ghost on a woman I've dated for two months becuase were not exclusive and it's a ok?" BS. It blows my mind how a man or woman can't send a quick "Thanks for meeting up with me, good luck find. That's all, no explanation needed assuming it very early on. If he she calls/texs back THEN you ignore them. If someone dates me they are taking the time out of their lives to date and meet someone and I respect that and I'm not going to blow them off like they don't exist.
PhillyDude Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 OP this is similar to my common courtesy thread. Posters seem a little more laid back this go around. On mine a few said it was rude and most said they owe you nothing (poor word choice on my part) unless you are exclusive. I rebutted one with "so I can ghost on a woman I've dated for two months becuase were not exclusive and it's a ok?" BS. It blows my mind how a man or woman can't send a quick "Thanks for meeting up with me, good luck find. That's all, no explanation needed assuming it very early on. If he she calls/texs back THEN you ignore them. If someone dates me they are taking the time out of their lives to date and meet someone and I respect that and I'm not going to blow them off like they don't exist. Just because you send someone a quick.."thanks for meeting and good luck" doesn't mean they are not going to ask you why? People are naturally going to want to know why you don't want to see them again. So now you understand why it's easier to disappear
SJC2008 Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Just because you send someone a quick.."thanks for meeting and good luck" doesn't mean they are not going to ask you why? People are naturally going to want to know why you don't want to see them again. So now you understand why it's easier to disappear Point taken but to each their own. Some people prefer blow off rejection and some think it's the epitamy of rude, I'm one of them. Some people are so avoidant, like the last woman I dated it's funny. On our 3rd date we were talking about dating in general and she told me a guy she dated still texts her and she still responds and doesn't know what to say to him?? OK that was a big turnoff for me.
PhillyDude Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Point taken but to each their own. Some people prefer blow off rejection and some think it's the epitamy of rude, I'm one of them. Some people are so avoidant, like the last woman I dated it's funny. On our 3rd date we were talking about dating in general and she told me a guy she dated still texts her and she still responds and doesn't know what to say to him?? OK that was a big turnoff for me. Sounds like she needs that "CALL BLOCK" feature I pay $4.99 a month for-lol
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