Author AllieKat Posted June 26, 2012 Author Share Posted June 26, 2012 I guess I see what your saying, I think Im focusing more on all the actions hes not doing....ex. He wont start convo with me and utterly ignores me when he is sitting in room with me, he wont even eat my cooking or eat infront of me. If i mention anything in conversations with him about anything other than car stuff or his job he doesnt say a word. Im very impatient too so maybe thats a problem I want this resolved. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 I guess I see what your saying, I think Im focusing more on all the actions hes not doing....ex. He wont start convo with me and utterly ignores me when he is sitting in room with me, he wont even eat my cooking or eat infront of me. If i mention anything in conversations with him about anything other than car stuff or his job he doesnt say a word. Im very impatient too so maybe thats a problem I want this resolved. I know, nobody likes living in limbo. He is trying to pick his actions carefully. If you look, the things that typically have a lot of meaning behind them are the ones where he chooses to act out, but when he is caught with his guard down he acts totally different. If you told him that him checking your tires meant a lot to you, it would be the last you heard about it, because it would be another way for him to get at you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 26, 2012 Author Share Posted June 26, 2012 Its hard too because the two days he is off during the week he always spent with my daughter and now instead of taking her with him he just ups and leaves and stays away till i get home! That action makes me feel like hes over the family life! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 26, 2012 Author Share Posted June 26, 2012 So I come home he wont even look at me when I come through door, man that kills me! So i iniate convo again and hes got kinda a chip on his shoulder. We talk about job and he asks if i want him to go ahead and get tires, i say yes. We talk about bankruptcy vs debt consoladation he explains dc is bad cause we under the banks thumbs for two years and he replues im done with being under ppls thumbs! Ouch was that a hint! I told him the lady I work for has a tv i want for in our room and i asked him if when he has timehe would mind helping me get it! He said yeah whatever so he rides with me to go get it and wont even look at me or walk with me its like i have some disease. He loads it up and i offer to help but he just carries it in for me sets it up and programs remote. Am i nuts or does he hate me?? Lol Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 Am i nuts or does he hate me?? Lol Thats sure what he wants you to feel, and your doing a good job of helping him. Stop putting yourself in positions to feel like that. Your setting yourself up. Its like handing him a bigger stick to beat you with Allie! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 Tojaz- if he really hated me would he even bother anything at all for me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 I meant would he bothing doing anything at all for me? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 Tojaz- if he really hated me would he even bother anything at all for me? I really can't answer that one. There are so many things that play a factor on a persons actions and emotions and all I have to go on is what you have relayed to me. I don't think he "hates" you though. What makes you think that deep down. Sorry for short reply, on my way out the door. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 I guess its just my biggest fear, that he feels nothing for me and we wont work through this. I guess yesterday when we went in car together to get tv he just seemed so unhappy and angry to be going, but yet he choose to go then. I had told him anytime anyday would be fine. The other thing is the comment hes done being under ppls thumbs. I know that was directed at me and yet I dont know where that comes. Unless with all the time thinking he feels like I held him back or caused him unhappiness. Its not like I told him who, what where or anything. I actually pushed him to go help that guy with his race car and have a hobby, besides me Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 I guess its just my biggest fear, that he feels nothing for me and we wont work through this. I guess yesterday when we went in car together to get tv he just seemed so unhappy and angry to be going, but yet he choose to go then. I had told him anytime anyday would be fine. The other thing is the comment hes done being under ppls thumbs. I know that was directed at me and yet I dont know where that comes. Unless with all the time thinking he feels like I held him back or caused him unhappiness. Its not like I told him who, what where or anything. I actually pushed him to go help that guy with his race car and have a hobby, besides me You have to remember that he is trying to talk himself into divorce and he is spending much of his time defending that decision. Your looking at your actions and how you intended them when thay happened. He is rewriting the history to support his decision. Thats not anything you can defend against Allie, take it from someone that lost that battle. His mind is not even seeing all that he has, all that you have done for him or tried to be, his whole focus is on what he feels he has missed out on. Most likely people in that position have nobody to blame but themselves, but that is the last thing they will admit to and are willing to put an awful lot on the line to avoid doing just that. Dont try to make sense of it Allie, you can't and it will just dig you in deeper. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 28, 2012 Author Share Posted June 28, 2012 Very true Im stressing over every little detail that I dont get or like, rather then focusing on the positive things that have happened. No interaction today because I didnt feel like sitting around waiting for him to get off work and because I think yesterday he was annoyed with me so I figured Id just go do busy stuff! When I came home he was gone helping his friend. Im kinda sad cause I wanted to try to have interaction each day with him but I also dont wanna push to fast! Trying to think positive as we have had some good interaction this week and im much more clued into whats going on in his world. Plus hes still here and hasnt filed divorce yet. Aside from the tires he did get me a outlet cover for in my car tuesday. I had told him i wanted one since ours broke off a few years ago so yesterday he told me he got one. Small but meaningful I think Link to post Share on other sites
xenomorph Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 H acted the same way. It was very cold, rude, and awful. He would do it in front of my roommates too. There is no reasoning with someone like that. My H left and now i'm stuck filing and paying for the divorce myself. Looking back, and knowing what I know now, I should have just kicked him out and gotten a dissolution for my own sake and sanity. He acted like an a$$ and disrespected me; not permissible! And disrespect to you shouldn't be permissible either. He is planning his exit and has been for quite some time. He will find ways to blame everything on you so he doesn't feel as guilty. This is going to sound harsh, but F him. Seriously. You deserve to be treated better, and you are doing what you can to make this work. He isn't, but he'll still do whatever he can to make you feel rejected and worthless. He doesn't want to "lead you on" to any hope, so he's going to be a jerk. It's time for you to set some boundaries and begin the healing process. I think--and this is purely opinion and drawing my own recent experience--you should just get a divorce process going so you're not stuck dealing with the harsh reality of abandonment. And I say abandonment because when someone talks about leaving, they aren't bluffing. Getting the divorce rolling will accomplish three things: 1. In his eyes, you will be "agreeing" with him. He'll feel the tether slacken, and he'll start to relax. 2. You will be protecting yourself, your assets, and your child in the event of a worst case scenario (a big possibility at this point, so best be prepared). It'll be cheaper if you can both cooperate on amicable terms. 3. With the practical stuff out of the way, both of you will be able to focus on yourselves as individuals and not as a pair. A real opportunity for self reflection for both of you, and this is what neither of you can do right now. I'm a little over 4 months into living on my own, and when I think back to how I was just a few months ago, I shake my head. My head is on straight now and I see the situation more objectively. I feel at peace. I am at this point, but my H is not. He is still angry, bitter, resentful, and holding on to his narcissistic notions. I realize that he is immature, and I am capable of better than him. There was no way of knowing that while he was still present, and our lives intertwined. You cannot possibly feel this way now with him still physically about in your life, but hold on to the promise that you WILL. It is only when you have peace of mind with him away that you'll gather strength. Strength for your healing, strength in letting go of fear or resentment, and strength for opening up to love. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 Be happy for the small things Allie. I recall more than 3 years back when I rejected my husbands extention to assist me on my car during the beginning of our divorce proceedings. Somehow, I thought I could not have any contact what so ever. This likely hurt his pride. The divorce process, is so designed to make the couples turn into advisaries - then eventually - enemies. It may be a good idea to accept (and appreciate) whatever is offered to you gratefully when it comes to areas beyond the scope of your expertise - such as car mainenance. I have so come to value how my husband handled that stuff (tire pressure, tire rotation, oil change, fluid whatever), most of which I totally forget about - or if I do remember it, it's a BIG pain in the but. Imagine yourself alone dealing with this stuff. Don't you feel better now? I will tell you I totally regret rejecting my husband's offer to have my car checked out. I think that crushed the man. And the only reason I did what I did was because of the divorce proceedings - hmmmm. Just let the man fix your car, however and whatever way, and simply say "THANK YOU, so glad you're here to handle this situation (period).". That might go a long way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xenomorph Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 ^ whoops, forgiveness please on my previous post, i somehow had forgotten that you are already in the divorce process. --kicks self in head-- What I really want to get across is the idea of he and you not being around each other. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 Very true Im stressing over every little detail that I dont get or like, rather then focusing on the positive things that have happened. No interaction today because I didnt feel like sitting around waiting for him to get off work and because I think yesterday he was annoyed with me so I figured Id just go do busy stuff! When I came home he was gone helping his friend. Im kinda sad cause I wanted to try to have interaction each day with him but I also dont wanna push to fast! Trying to think positive as we have had some good interaction this week and im much more clued into whats going on in his world. Plus hes still here and hasnt filed divorce yet. Aside from the tires he did get me a outlet cover for in my car tuesday. I had told him i wanted one since ours broke off a few years ago so yesterday he told me he got one. Small but meaningful I think Allie, on the road your on, its not about the quantity of your interactions, its the quality. Anything you force just to meet your "quota" hes going to pick up on and be annoyed. Read Yas's post above, theres a lot of truth there. Did you thank him for the outlet cover? Commend him for remembering you wanted one? Thats really all that need be said. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 29, 2012 Author Share Posted June 29, 2012 I did thank him! I honestly didnt even think about quality/quanity I guess I just thought daily interaction was needed. This is why I come on here because it really makes me think as Im impulsive. Today I made an appt with lawyer for Mon. Just to see what D is all about and so I know whats going to happen if he does file. Now Im second guessing that decision because Im thinking how will he react if I do that or will it make things worse? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 29, 2012 Author Share Posted June 29, 2012 ^ whoops, forgiveness please on my previous post, i somehow had forgotten that you are already in the divorce process. --kicks self in head-- What I really want to get across is the idea of he and you not being around each other. We actually arent in the divorce process at all! He hasnt filed and neither have I! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 I did thank him! I honestly didnt even think about quality/quanity I guess I just thought daily interaction was needed. This is why I come on here because it really makes me think as Im impulsive. Today I made an appt with lawyer for Mon. Just to see what D is all about and so I know whats going to happen if he does file. Now Im second guessing that decision because Im thinking how will he react if I do that or will it make things worse? Sounds sneaky, but there is no reason he needs to know. Sad fact after 3 years on LS is that things can change in the blink of an eye. It is best to be prepared and end up not needing it then the other way around. Quality/Quantity is definitely something to keep in mind Allie. Like sitting down to a fine meal, you don't want to just force it down and run but take the time to really enjoy every small morsel. Same goes for time interacting with him. Its tempting to try and introduce as much as you can to him at every opportunity, but it is much better to pick your times and situations carefully for best benefit. If hes not in a mood to receive, don't bother putting it out there. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
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