tojaz Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Tojaz- im so glad you continue to post on here, it helps me. Im having a hard time being away. I miss just seeing him! I wonder what hes doing and ofcourse worry, im tempted to check att to "stalk" to see who hes texting and calling but as of yet I have held myself back from doing it! I think being in another state while hes at home is the hardest ever!!! I wonder if he misses us or is realived we are gone. This is supposed to be a break Allie! Remember? Let this mark the start of the 180 by not stalking him, not worrying about him and just enjoying your time. Start today, take the day and make a concerted effort not to think about this for 24 hours. A 24 hour gift to yourself. Besides your on a trip and he doesn't know what your up to either. Have a good time and when he sees 180 Allie, he will most likely have some questions of his own. TOJAZ 1
Author AllieKat Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Question I know doing a 180 is to help me get myself back together but I want my hubby back too! Will doing the 180 push him away or hurt us as a couple more?
Author AllieKat Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Trust me Im faking it hard, right now! Another more important part is my daughter is 12 today and he hasnt called or texted her to say Happy Birthday and Im afraid he wont call at all! So if he ignores her today should that be a sign hes really done?
tojaz Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Well that was almost 12 hours..... thats a start! Question I know doing a 180 is to help me get myself back together but I want my hubby back too! Will doing the 180 push him away or hurt us as a couple more? Doing anything will not effect him one way or the other. If there were hard and fast rules to these things there would only be one relationship book on the shelves and this forum would be pointless. That is one of the hardest truths to try and understand, also one of the saddest. It is out of your hands. All you can do is try and read his ques and put your best self forward and hope he sees that. I've been volunteering my time at a support group near me for a while now. I've seen some couples who treat each other so wickedly it could bring tears to your eyes. Yet somehow they seem to keep the relationship going even though is seems it shouldn't. I've also seen seemingly good solid relationships collapse inexplicably. You can't really gauge his response. What i can say is that what you have been doing up to now hasn't changed anything and its not making you very happy. The 180 should help you regain some confidence and some inner strength, and that is going to help you put that best version of Allie on display for all to see, including him. Trust me Im faking it hard, right now! Another more important part is my daughter is 12 today and he hasnt called or texted her to say Happy Birthday and Im afraid he wont call at all! So if he ignores her today should that be a sign hes really done? See above!!! If you try hard enough you can turn anything into a sign or a red flag. He knows that too. You both are working to illicit responses from one another. There will be no true signs or indications in that situation. If he chooses to be selfish and not call shame on him. Happy Birthday to your DD. TOJAZ
Author AllieKat Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 Ok home now. Upon arriving home Hubby left b-day card for my daughter with $ in it! He said he hopes she has fun time at beach for her birthday! Signed his name. Usually he signs daddy and writes he loves her and if course usually we give one card but I see this as somewhat of a positive sign. Though he put the gift and card she left him for fathers day on my vanity not even opened. Tojaz what ya think?? Im not going to react the old me would freak out on him about it but Im just going to be happy he got her a card and think if it as a positive sign. Sure it bugs me and my daughter cried because he didnt open her fathers day gift and card but hes just showing angry and hurt, and i think hes trying to get a reaction from me...
tojaz Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Ok home now. Upon arriving home Hubby left b-day card for my daughter with $ in it! He said he hopes she has fun time at beach for her birthday! Signed his name. Usually he signs daddy and writes he loves her and if course usually we give one card but I see this as somewhat of a positive sign. Though he put the gift and card she left him for fathers day on my vanity not even opened. Tojaz what ya think?? You covered it pretty well below. My best guess is that he would feel guilty not getting a card so he signed his name so he could still get the extra emotional jab in. The fact he left the fathers day card on your vanity says the same. Didn't open it as a jab at you but left it where he assumed only you would find it so he wouldn't hurt her. Just let this one go. No reaction will be the best reaction. Im not going to react the old me would freak out on him about it but Im just going to be happy he got her a card and think if it as a positive sign. Sure it bugs me and my daughter cried because he didnt open her fathers day gift and card but hes just showing angry and hurt, and i think hes trying to get a reaction from me... Couldn't have said it better myself! TOJAZ
Author AllieKat Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 Just wondering would a lawyer tell someone considering divorce to "straighten up" prior to filing? Tonight i had to ask hubby a dumb question about my daughters iphone (im tech dumb) and it ended up being a question about how apps got on her phone when i was trying to download a game for her, needless to say i asked him if he knew what they were cause some where just odd he said no and he doesnt have them on his phone so hes not sure what i did but he even offered me his phone to check! Now i wasnt accusing him or anything but it got me thinking why would he offer up his phone to me all the sudden after the fight we had sat and he refused to let me see it? Has he talked to someone whos told him to begave or watch what he does now? Also hes barely spending any money and he is sticking around at home. Im keeping all my nutty thoughts on here and keeping my happy, sane self for his viewing...lol im a work in progress on the 180! I am doing somethings very well but the one thing im not good at is im still stressing over him, that will take time but ill keep working on it
tojaz Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Just wondering would a lawyer tell someone considering divorce to "straighten up" prior to filing? Tonight i had to ask hubby a dumb question about my daughters iphone (im tech dumb) and it ended up being a question about how apps got on her phone when i was trying to download a game for her, needless to say i asked him if he knew what they were cause some where just odd he said no and he doesnt have them on his phone so hes not sure what i did but he even offered me his phone to check! Now i wasnt accusing him or anything but it got me thinking why would he offer up his phone to me all the sudden after the fight we had sat and he refused to let me see it? Has he talked to someone whos told him to begave or watch what he does now? Also hes barely spending any money and he is sticking around at home. Im keeping all my nutty thoughts on here and keeping my happy, sane self for his viewing...lol im a work in progress on the 180! I am doing somethings very well but the one thing im not good at is im still stressing over him, that will take time but ill keep working on it Don't beat yourself up for stressing about him Allie. That doesn't go away. Heck I'm 3 years on the other side of the big D. I've rebuilt, and even healed some. Still think about her though from time to time and don't really envision a time when I will not. You stress over him because you love him. Theres no shame in that and not a thing wrong with it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I do not have much insight as to what a lawyer would advise. I di not use one in my split and there was no dispute on that end for a lawyer to really be involved. He may just be trying to put himself on some moral high ground.. show that he is not guilty of any wrong doing in his mind after your incident with his phone. Its something to file away as you continue your 180. Watch for ques to help clue you in as to what is on his mind. If its worth knowing there will come a time to ask. TOJAZ
Author AllieKat Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 Ok just noticed marriage license is MIA! Why would hubby take it? Is it because he needs it for divorce? Im so scared but thus far keeping my cool! My instinct is to call him at woek today and ask where it is and etc etc
tojaz Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Stay calm. I don't remember my ex needing the license for the D paperwork, but can't be sure. Check for other missing documents. Financial papers, past tax forms, investments, mortgage etc. Thats the kind of stuff he would need. Check history on computer and the print log to see if he has printed anything off recently. TOJAZ
Author AllieKat Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 All that stuff is still here! Not sure about pay stubs though because his are online only so Ill have to check on printer log. My paystubs he doesnt have though. All our tax forms are still here though. I know he wanted to file bankruptcy even before we fought so I was thinking maybe he would need a marriage license for that? Its very concerning I just didnt think he would go through with this. Its starting to look really bad for me! Should I ask him? Or just keep playing the 180 and play like it doesnt matter
Author AllieKat Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 Well printer log is empty so im sure he deleted that! All our tax stuff is on computer so he could pretty much get that stuffof there w/o taking the ones in filing cabinet. I know he printed off his resume supposedly for last monday for new job and thats not even showing. Hes getting smart! His cell phone use has really changed too ( yes i peeked again) hes barely getting any texts or calls in last 3 days! Seems like since june 20! I just wonder if he got another phone on the side and is having ppl use that ir if he saw lawyer and lawyer advised him to limit who he talks to and etc because it could be used against him! Thats the same day he got my daughter a b-day card too so im wondering if that isnt planned for appearances either! Just seems like a lot of things happening at sametime here. Still hasnt given me a key to the car he drives either and im sure thats where all the paperwork is!! No wonder im half crazy!
tojaz Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 For right now I wouldn't say anything to him. If there is nothing to this and the license is just misplaced, it will just push him farther away. You might want to look for a consultation with an attorney so you can have your rights protected in case he is making legal preparations on the sly. TOJAZ
Author AllieKat Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 Go me go me!! Just got all hotted up and waited for hubby to see me and i told him he was absolutly right about doing bankruptcy and i think its a great idea! (i really do because we cosigned for a loan for my brother and got nailed with it) and hubby was surprised! Almost looked shocked! He was very civil and decent and i did ask about marriage license and he said he didnt take it. I just played it off tgat i thought we needed it but i couldnt find it!! Anyway i cut the convo short so i could leave and go out to dinner cause afterall i looked to good not to go out!! Lol
tojaz Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Go me go me!! Just got all hotted up and waited for hubby to see me and i told him he was absolutly right about doing bankruptcy and i think its a great idea! (i really do because we cosigned for a loan for my brother and got nailed with it) and hubby was surprised! Almost looked shocked! He was very civil and decent and i did ask about marriage license and he said he didnt take it. I just played it off tgat i thought we needed it but i couldnt find it!! Anyway i cut the convo short so i could leave and go out to dinner cause afterall i looked to good not to go out!! Lol L-O-V-E Love it!!!:bunny: keep it going Allie!
Author AllieKat Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 Last night hubby didnt come home till 3am!! Very upsetting cause you can imagine what I was thinking. Every sat he goes to local races and works in pit for a friend its not over till 11:30pm but i do usually the guy he does puts for invites all the guys back to their house for a swim and food and alot of times its gone on till 2am so Im hoping thats where he was! The only other time he came home this early was he was parked somewhere calling his buddy out in Ca. Im not going to react because this could just be a test to me after my move yesterday. The other thing thats bugging me is his cell phone use is so different. Nobody calls him or texts him in days! And he hasnt texted or called anyone other then he made 2 2min calls the 20th to his friend in Md and the guy who he does put crew for. And he is barely using any It just makes my wonder if maybe he went and got a trac phone or something cheap so i cant see who hes calling or texting. I cant imagine him giving up his iphone but if he wants me not to know who hes talking to maybe he would do that. It would be weird though cause I have never seen him call or text anyone that i didnt know so i dunno! He hasnt had any spending thats different but every sat he does take $40 out but i know thats for the races but who knows he coukd of saved it
Author AllieKat Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 Wow I really need to type slower, I make a lot of errors typing! ;-)
tojaz Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Last night hubby didnt come home till 3am!! Very upsetting cause you can imagine what I was thinking. Every sat he goes to local races and works in pit for a friend its not over till 11:30pm but i do usually the guy he does puts for invites all the guys back to their house for a swim and food and alot of times its gone on till 2am so Im hoping thats where he was! The only other time he came home this early was he was parked somewhere calling his buddy out in Ca. Im not going to react because this could just be a test to me after my move yesterday. The other thing thats bugging me is his cell phone use is so different. Nobody calls him or texts him in days! And he hasnt texted or called anyone other then he made 2 2min calls the 20th to his friend in Md and the guy who he does put crew for. And he is barely using any It just makes my wonder if maybe he went and got a trac phone or something cheap so i cant see who hes calling or texting. I cant imagine him giving up his iphone but if he wants me not to know who hes talking to maybe he would do that. It would be weird though cause I have never seen him call or text anyone that i didnt know so i dunno! He hasnt had any spending thats different but every sat he does take $40 out but i know thats for the races but who knows he coukd of saved it Remember me saying that the 180 is for you and not just play acting for him??? Checking his phone records and stuff is a prime example. It keeps you in an impossible loop. Think about it? What would you do if you did see a number you didn't recognize? Hes getting a reaction for actions he may or may not have done and your still stressing over it. Your doing it for him. I know there are a lot of questions bouncing around in your head and if you focus on them it will drive you nuts. You will know the truth in time and knowing isn't really going to help you anyway. If hes on the level your probably not going to trust that out right, trust is broken and your on your guard. If hes playing dirty your not going to want to believe it and you will stay at odds with yourself trying to convince yourself one way or the other. Its a no win situation Allie. Stay strong and let it unfold TOJAZ
Author AllieKat Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 I know the 180 is for me... Its a work in progress and honestly and obviously I not quite all there! I do jump to conclusions but I just want to know. I guess I feel like if I knew he was cheating or even just talking to someone via the phone I could get over him quicker.
tojaz Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 I know the 180 is for me... Its a work in progress and honestly and obviously I not quite all there! I do jump to conclusions but I just want to know. I guess I feel like if I knew he was cheating or even just talking to someone via the phone I could get over him quicker. Last I checked, you didn't want to get over him. I know the not knowing is a killer, and I can understand what your saying. There comes a point where we tell ourselves that we just want it to be over no matter the outcome, just to get out from under the pressure. You hope that he will either come back or do something so heinous that you could push him out for good. You don't want to concoct that though, because you'll start seeing things around every corner and pretty soon he will be having a torrid affair every time hes out of your line of sight. That can do more damage then his actions ever could. When it is time to draw a line in the sand, you'll know. TOJAZ
Author AllieKat Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 It is a killer! We talked a little today, i iniated again!!! But it was just light small talk and He told me more about the job he applied for and I listened and even asked some questions about it and it made him talk more. The thing with my hubby is hes normally a guy that talks a lot so I know i have to try to pull that out of him so thats where i do stray from the 180 a bit, but its ok. He actually talked about this possible job in great detail which I want to think is a good sign. He also told me just what a mess his current job is and how awful its gotten. I mostly just listened and encouraged. After he we were done talking he just left no goodbye or anything but baby steps i know and i'll take what i can get. Marriage license turned up too!! I went swimming and when i came home he had "found" it Lol he claims it was in bin under daughters room... Hmm oh well it turned up. Ok tojaz- my online bff these are good signs in the right direction correct? I dont wanna get my hopes up
tojaz Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 It is a killer! We talked a little today, i iniated again!!! But it was just light small talk and He told me more about the job he applied for and I listened and even asked some questions about it and it made him talk more. The thing with my hubby is hes normally a guy that talks a lot so I know i have to try to pull that out of him so thats where i do stray from the 180 a bit, but its ok. He actually talked about this possible job in great detail which I want to think is a good sign. He also told me just what a mess his current job is and how awful its gotten. I mostly just listened and encouraged. After he we were done talking he just left no goodbye or anything but baby steps i know and i'll take what i can get. Marriage license turned up too!! I went swimming and when i came home he had "found" it Lol he claims it was in bin under daughters room... Hmm oh well it turned up. Ok tojaz- my online bff these are good signs in the right direction correct? I dont wanna get my hopes up Good signs it sounds like it, but time will tell. I will say that you did everything right here. Don't be afraid to stray from the 180 if it suits your purposes, thats the way its supposed to go. Anything that opens up the lines of communication is good and the fact that he felt obliged to "find" the marriage license to put your mind at ease says a lot following a positive conversation. I think the fact that he softened a little at the prospect of a new job throws some clues as to where his mind is at as well. I think sticking with your 180 and a little casual and comfortable talk like that will go a long way right now, then you can ease into more serious talks when/if the time comes. TOJAZ
Author AllieKat Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 I just wanna say today is a down day for me. I dreamt of hubby and I being back together but when I woke up I felt so sad cause it feels like I'll never get the chance to hug or kiss him again. I feel like I'll be sleeping in this bed without him for good! This wont stray me from doung the work for me but it does stink I miss the intimacy!
Author AllieKat Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 Again today I iniated small talk. Dh was looking at my tires on car and I just asked if everything was ok? He said he was looking at tires and found some on sale that he thought might fit. (yesterday when we talked I mentioned to him that I needed tires before inspection, he said yes you do before the sept inspection) so i guess he went out today looking for some. Good I guess but then I think hes just trying to get me all fixed up so he can divorce me with a clear conscience. He told me today that he got called from that job he wants and he said he just has to do drug screen tomorrow and then theyll set up hire date. Kinda makes me sad though because he said hes taking it. Normally we always talked this stuff over as a couple! Made me feel like he doesnt care about the fact we will lose health insurance and he cant get theirs till 90 days of employment.
tojaz Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Again today I iniated small talk. Dh was looking at my tires on car and I just asked if everything was ok? He said he was looking at tires and found some on sale that he thought might fit. (yesterday when we talked I mentioned to him that I needed tires before inspection, he said yes you do before the sept inspection) so i guess he went out today looking for some. Good I guess but then I think hes just trying to get me all fixed up so he can divorce me with a clear conscience. That is a pretty large assumption when your talking about someone who hasn't displayed even a little guilt. Anyone who can give you, his wife the cold shoulder for a month is not going to up and check your tires out of guilt. He told me today that he got called from that job he wants and he said he just has to do drug screen tomorrow and then theyll set up hire date. Kinda makes me sad though because he said hes taking it. Normally we always talked this stuff over as a couple! Made me feel like he doesnt care about the fact we will lose health insurance and he cant get theirs till 90 days of employment. Your really on the negative side of things today Allie. I'm hoping you feel better tomorrow and if you do I want you read and rewrite these posts from a more neutral place. Remember actions always speak louder then words. Words.... all the negative BS he has been hurling at you that he doesn't care, wants out, is no longer a part of the family. Actions... Worrying about your tires when it would not effect a man that is leaving, tracking down marriage license, taking the time to keep you informed on his life (when he has "said" that it was not your concern anymore. Think about it. TOJAZ
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