tojaz Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Well, it was mostly calm! I call it a big blow up cause the things that were said on his part! I finally got the chance to explain myself, apologize to his face and i guess i was thinking in that moment let him say whats hes got to and maybe hell hear me too He heard you Allie. He may be two stubborn to admit it or act on it, but he heard you. His words sound like pure defense. Trying to keep you from getting to close by throwing whatever he had at you trying to create distance. There is more going on here then just the troubles between the two of you. TOJAZ
Author AllieKat Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 I'm curious, have you been talking to common friends about the situation where he indirectly is getting fed back what your feelings are about he situation? Why would he throw it in your face about talking to your mother that you have been estranged from and how did he know you spoke with her? I had talked to mutual friends orginally but i realized they were spreading my business around town and i realized one was a trouble maker. He actually even mentioned that to me last night to be careful who im telling things to. Im guessing he knew I talked to my mom because he either checked my cell phone record or the home phone call record. Thats the only way he could know, which if hes done with me and doesnt care why wonder whom i talk to
Author AllieKat Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 Another thing he threw in my face was he said i hide in my cave! And he said i act go around doing my happy little life! Again if hes so done with me why care if i hide or is im smiling and being happy?
tojaz Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Another thing he threw in my face was he said i hide in my cave! And he said i act go around doing my happy little life! What does the underlined part mean? As for the rest, i wouldn't worry so much about what he thinks. It could be anything. If he brings something up like that again, I would suggest just answering the same way he has answered you. Its not really any of his concern anymore. If he wants to make it his concern, then thats an entirely different conversation, but until then it shouldn't matter to him. TOJAZ
trippi1432 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Allie - For him to mention the "be careful who you tell things to" is very telling that he is still carrying that hurt from the time before. Though you are not doing that now, it would be good to have just one really good gal pal to talk to, one that you can trust and confide in, one who will be a good shoulder but care about you enough to let you make your own decisions. Saying that you "hide in your cave", well he noticed that you were avoiding him...just as he has also been avoiding you on occasion. I don't know if your husband is one of those people who sees everything as a slight when he is angry, from what you stated your marriage was before the upset it doesn't seem like he is that way; just about anyone (men or women) can become very stubborn when their pride is hurt. My suggestion would be to do things as you have normally done them, don't hide in the room, come home....make dinner, invite him to join you and your daughter. If he doesn't, no big deal, no scenes...nada. Enjoy your dinner best you can as if it doesn't matter if he joins you or not. Do go about your "happy, little life" and if he says anything about that, simply tell him that you have apologized more than enough and there is nothing else you can do but allow him to make his own decisions. Do not quip it, don't say it from a place of anger...it's honest, if you don't want the divorce, it will be his decision so he will have to take that responsibility. I feel that if you quip anything to him as if you are moving on at this point or that things are none of his business, it will only affirm to him that you are open to the threat you gave him before about being done with the marriage. That is what he will use next as his exit strategy. I think the reason why he is still angry is that he feels as if he is not being heard and that his hurts aren't being acknowledged. Even though you are both getting things off your chest, two people stating their hurts "at" each other and defending themselves isn't effective at communicating.
Author AllieKat Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 What does the underlined part mean? Sorry fingers go faster then brain! He said i go around acting all happy!
Author AllieKat Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 Last night I confronted him about him friended this girl on fb! It was a friend from high school but he had previously not friended her because i knew he used to have a crush on her! Well nows hes friends with her and its making me nutty. He claims she friended him and they havent even talked or exchanged a msg on fb. But as our relationship is failing or etc im the most insecure wreck i think wow she now lives 3 hours away instead of across the country and shes now divorced so im worried. He said he is not cheating and wouldnt he said he has no interest in anyone but im just feel threatened! I told him last night it upset me and i thought he shouldnt of done that. He blew it off like it was no big deal and honestly i dont think hed cheat but i didnt think hed ignore me for 3 weeks. He does still have on fb hes married and he made sure he told me that last night. Its hard fb shouldnt matter but when thats the only info you have its hard not to dwell on it. ppl are telling me to throw him out, to move out etc...its getting hard to hope for the best. Not sure if my daughter should still give him fathers day gift or not? She made it in school bur im concerned hell reject it
Owl Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I'd just posted in your new thread...and then read this. Sounds to me like you need to learn more about what's going on here. Per my comments on the other thread...SOMETHING prompted his change...and now you find this. Things that make you say...."hmmmmmmm".
tojaz Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Allie, your trapped in an impossible situation. Look at what he has said to you. Hes upset when you talk to him... Hes upset when you isolate yourself and are sad.... Hes upset when you walk around looking happy..... He wants a divorce but hasn't made a single move in that direction... Hes very concerned about what your doing but your not allowed to be concerned with him.... I don't know his motives, but he is going to great lengths to keep you tied up in knots. Don't help him do that by analyzing his FB page and everything else. When he is no longer seeing the desired effects, he will change his actions. TOJAZ
Author AllieKat Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 Tojaz- I know your right! I think when we had our blow up Tues somethings really came to light. Some of the "digs" he took were just stupid and had nothing to do with why he wants divorce. So I just feel like hes trying to hurt/get back at me for hurting him. Hes also repeating several of the stunts and behavior he did after our other fight. Im leaving Sun and wont be back till Thurs so Im hoping the empty house gets him thinking but who knows. It really stinks that hes been mad 3 weeks already At this point I feel like this coukd go on forever.
Author AllieKat Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 Another thing to add here is he seems very upset that I quit the volunteer organization we both were on the board of, he has brought that up Tues and Wed with bitterness. I quit because i was so distrought over him and i and the miscarriage i just couldnt focus on it! He said i left the whole board in shambles and dropped my load on them all. Well honestly there was 7 of of on the board and im pretty sure the other 6 could do my job. I really think hes angry about it as much as the lies
tojaz Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 Tojaz- I know your right! I think when we had our blow up Tues somethings really came to light. Some of the "digs" he took were just stupid and had nothing to do with why he wants divorce. So I just feel like hes trying to hurt/get back at me for hurting him. Hes also repeating several of the stunts and behavior he did after our other fight. Im leaving Sun and wont be back till Thurs so Im hoping the empty house gets him thinking but who knows. It really stinks that hes been mad 3 weeks already At this point I feel like this coukd go on forever. Chances are that he does not even have a clear grasp on why he wants the divorce. Its most likely many things all working together, possibly just reminiscing with his old flame caused him to look at his life in a more negative light. When my ex "ran into" an old boyfriend one of his comments was that "she had never seemed the housewife type" and that quickly turned negative. Not that she had ever been openly unhappy with her life, but more that someone had defined it that way. he reaches a place hes unhappy, needs something to blame and grasps at whatever he can to let him do that. You have a good handle on things and i think you know when its something important or when hes just throwing everything at you hoping something will stick. Enjoy the break your having, you can use the rest I'm sure. TOJAZ
Author AllieKat Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 Grrrrr.... Well i think hes not cheating but hes looking or something. He was asleep on couch and i noticed his phone in his hand had a picture on it... It was of a girl not me either. I wish i had stared at it longer before i woke him up and asked WTF! It kinda looked like a screen saver yet it didnt. It wasnt a nake girl or anything either just a girl in sunglasses shoulders up but it was a grey photo! Needless to say when i woke him up he he jumped a mile i guess i scared the crap out of him. He was dishoveled a bit to me asking who the girl was and looking around the room as if she was in the room. I said on your phone and he was like where the hell did that come from and dude i dont even know where that came from! He wasnt nasty at all till i got bithcy asking are you cheating on me? Is that the girl from fb? He said i have no idea where that came from! I call BS!! I think he fell asleep looking at "someones photos" it was a fb photo though! I told him hes a hypocryte for saying he pissed i lied when hes lying! I said just tell me the truth cause your caught! He got madder saying im not cheating and he has no idea where it came from!! I said well infidelity doesnt look good in court!! I just am in shock but again not to be dumb but i still dont think hes cheating unless its when hes with guys on work or online! Other than that hes always here and there are no strange phone numbers or texts or spending so i dunno! My heart just doesnt think hed cheat on me! I think he was looking at pictures of someone and fell asleep. I said if your not gulity let me see your phone and he said no so im sure theres something on there he doesnt want me to see maybe even just the fb with his "friend" i feel like throwing him out is that overreacting? My daughter and i leave for beach tomorrow so well be out of here but ive got a lot of anxiety about it because hes my husband and hes been a damn good one up till 3 weeks ago!
Author AllieKat Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 Oh yeah he also tried to say i probably put it on there!! Really??
Author AllieKat Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 Ugh to add to this story because we just had a somewhat civil talk for an hour heres the latest... He showed me the pic again cause its on a website but its just a random person he says he thinks he pushed things while fallung in and out of sleep on the iphone and thats why it was up... Ok but now we went into other stuff. I again apoligized for hurting him he brought up that its not me quitting the volunteer job its the lies hes pissed about and hes done with me and he said im following the same patterns as before when we fought in april! He did me mon hes going looking for a new job at this place cause things are really bad at work. He almost was engaging in small talk with me then he got mad and said why are you trying to make small talk? I said iwish hed forgive me and understand, he said NO!!! I asked him if he had looked into debt consolidation (he brought this up as a pre-step for divorce last time we argued) and he said he hadnt looked in to it. He did say he thought about taking name off lease and getting one bedroom apt, i being agreeable said let me know if you decide to do that. He sparked back with Ill let you know a week after! He also left me know he had a right to know about miscarriage when it happened not a week later. I tried to explain my bad judgement but hes right! It does seem like hes accepted that i was pregnant finally after not believing even the diagnosis from dr. He also said he needs to fix my breaks but if the cara not here tomorrow he cant and he doesnt know when hell get a chance. He added that he wasnt just saying that so i wouldnt go to the beach, but i wonder!! So i saw some positive hope but still such a hold on the "its over".
Author AllieKat Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 Dang i wanted to say that after seeing that pic i decided to go look through his car while he was asleep. Only to discover hes changed the locks on his car w/o telling me! Problem here is car is in my name too! So i went in house and woke his ass up again!! He said that instead of accusing i should just be asking but he said the driver side wouldnt open with the key anymore (its a '95 older car) and so he had to replace all. I do know that it was hard to open with key before but i still think it was done to be spiteful however its a really dumb move with it being in my name too and hes not a dumb guy so i dunno what to think. After the car revelation we had the civil talk.
tojaz Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 Easy Allie. Slow down. While not the most pleasant conversation for you, hes given you a lot more information then he has been, even though you have to read between the lines to get it. Also his actions speak a lot louder then words. He has been marching under the divorce flag for close to a month now yet hasn't taken a single step in that direction yet you guys have been communicating more. Thats good but you have to be happy with what he gives you. His guard is still up so pressing for more then hes willing to give is like backing him into a corner, guard goes up, communication is cut off, and he lashes out again. Try looking at it this way. After getting the silent treatment for weeks, anytime hes giving you something its a gift. Don't be greedy and push for more. Let him set the pace, the truth will come together in time. TOJAZ
Author AllieKat Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 Im trying but it seems im finding more reasons to not trust him and more reasons to see hes cutting me out of his life.
Author AllieKat Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 Whn he says im following the same patterns as last time, i havent been calling ppl like i did so im not sure thats entirely true! I guess i need to do a better job and do the 180 cause all this im doing is the opposite of that and its not working. He did say hes glad ill be away all week :-(
tojaz Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 Im trying but it seems im finding more reasons to not trust him and more reasons to see hes cutting me out of his life. Is he? I haven't seen that. As a matter of fact he was upset that you left the volunteer organization that you both were a part of. I know you guess spoke on that, but did you explore WHY he would be upset by that???? As a matter of fact, aside from the few small token gestures he has made for your benefit, he hasn't cut anything away. Remember actions v/s words. As for trust, of course you have reason not to trust him, he has been all over the map and nothing consistent. I think your entitled. 180 is surely a good idea. Although i think I remember someone suggesting that before. Let Allie get a little bit of herself back. TOJAZ
Author AllieKat Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 I guess i feel like the deleting me from fb, him friended that girl, and him not talking to me unless im the one to iniate and him ignoring my daughter was the cutting us out! I know im crazy but i gotta say i need the advice cause im not doing the right thing. I do good then i jump to conclusions and get off track. Im gone now for 5 days I sure hope his heart grows fonder not further!
tojaz Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Best thing to do Allie is to keep reminding yourself to slow down. Listen learn and feel before you react. People get so caught up in having to make actions, that they make any action they come up with every chance they get. Take it from someone speaking from experience. If I had it to do over again I would have been much better off to just listen and allow some of those openings to pass by. Trading many actions for a a few of the right ones. Enjoy your break, and let it be a break, you deserve it. TOJAZ
Author AllieKat Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 Im taking these 5 days to regroup and better myself! Im going to try the 180.. I did attempt it before but I was hiding from him in my room which isnt part of it..lol so this time Im going to spend my days at the beach memorizing this and Im hoping by the time I go home I'll be in a better place with better skills
tojaz Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Allie theres no memorizing. I tell everyone that the things posted here are not hard and fast rules. NC, 180, etc. all have to be adapted to your own personal situation. If you run down the list putting checks in boxes its going to do nothing for you. I'm going to reply to your other thread here since it seems like I have unknowingly taken this one over. It depends on how you choose to define success. 180 is for you, to put you in a mindset to get back to living your life. It does have some things meant for him, and it can work to entice him to reengage. Let that be secondary to getting back to a strong and confident Allie that isn't hiding or peeking around corners in her own home. 180 helps you do that, it helps you take regain control of the only thing you can control....you. What is going on in his head will still be just as much a variable as it ever was, but you will be putting your best foot forward. So if you define success as bringing him back into the marriage and rebuilding. There are some success stories here to be found, but it is by no means a cure all and he still has to play his part. If you define success as allowing you to survive all this mess regardless of the outcome, getting back to healthy and moving forward in whatever direction that might be. There are a whole lot more. Heres the list and a few tidbits I didn't want to plagiarize. Take what you can use and leave the rest. The Healing Heart: The 180 TOJAZ
Author AllieKat Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Tojaz- im so glad you continue to post on here, it helps me. Im having a hard time being away. I miss just seeing him! I wonder what hes doing and ofcourse worry, im tempted to check att to "stalk" to see who hes texting and calling but as of yet I have held myself back from doing it! I think being in another state while hes at home is the hardest ever!!! I wonder if he misses us or is realived we are gone.
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