Men and emotions

[AllieKat]

Work had just gotten worse the day before this happened and he was trying to fight for a raise and it wasnt going so well and he was very annoyed! I just hate this! Its 11:30pm almost and i have no clue where he is! My daughter waited up to see him and he hasnt come home! I think i know where he is but its just not right when hes mad that he puts me through this! We have mutual friends that tore me up one side and down another because they think im some big liar now and they have taken sides! I feel so bad for keeping my bleeding issues from him but i wanted this baby so bad and i just didnt want to accept miscarriage. I just pretended it would be ok! Im so mad things were going so well

[tojaz]

Work had just gotten worse the day before this happened and he was trying to fight for a raise and it wasnt going so well and he was very annoyed! I just hate this! Its 11:30pm almost and i have no clue where he is! My daughter waited up to see him and he hasnt come home! I think i know where he is but its just not right when hes mad that he puts me through this! We have mutual friends that tore me up one side and down another because they think im some big liar now and they have taken sides! I feel so bad for keeping my bleeding issues from him but i wanted this baby so bad and i just didnt want to accept miscarriage. I just pretended it would be ok! Im so mad things were going so well

 

I don't see where the word "liar" comes from. You didn't come out and tell him what was happening, but you didn't outright deceive him either.

 

I think your not wanting to tell him right away is valid from a number of reasons. Didn't want to add to his stress until you knew for sure it was a problem ranks high, especially when he is dealing with all the things at work. Might not have been the best decision, but it is a fair one.

 

Miscarriage is going to be tough on him as well. Give him some space for awhile and hopefully the two of you can get back on track when emotions are not running so high.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I should right the whole story out to explain the liar thing cause i did lie! When i found out i was preggo we were still on shaky grounds so i didnt want to tell him right away! My friend called him up and told him i had something important to tell him and basically outed me! I didnt want to tell him right away cause I wanted to work things out first not guilt him into a apology or makeup! So things got better we made up! I was supposed to go to dr to get my hcg levels checked and i made appt and skipped it. He asked if i went and all was good and i said yes! First lie!!! I was scared to go because I didnt want to hear them say again (i have had prev miscarriages) that this was going to be another ectopic/miscarriage. Needless to say the day I started bleeding I was going to tell him but chickened out so i bled and suffered w/o seeing dr. I decided i had to tell him but it was a week later and by that time i was only spotting and i told him while he was at work and being the good man he is as soon as he could get to me he did! It took about 2 hours but when he asked did you go to hospital i fed him another lie and i said yeah i went to er and now im back. He honestly had doubt in his eyes but just held me and i could tell he was being distant but he never said a bad word to me he just supported me. The next day he came home gave me a kiss and said "hey did the hospital give you papers cause my boss wants proof of what happened cause i left early" well as weird as it was because he has never needed any notes to take 1/2 day but i cracked and told him everything! He was so disappointed and i feel bad for his hurt! I think he he had doubts when i said i went to er and was back but just didnt want to bring it up. I think he said he needed a note cause he wanted proof. He told me he wondered if i even was ever pregnant and if i had someone take those preg tests for me! I was appauled i would never do that but i get wheres hes coming from. I had told him a girl at my work offered me $50 to pee on a test for her so she could trick her bf, but i didnt and would never do that! So i guess his mind was racing. I went to er thur to finally get treatment and the miscarriage was confirmed when i brought him paper to prove it he threw it on ground w/o even looking at it so i dont know what hes thinking. I tried to explain to him my lack of thinking and how though there are no excuses i was trying to convince myself even though i was bleeding and spotting that the baby was fine and i was still preggo. I was in complete denial because i choose to be..

[AllieKat]

Hubby hasnt come home since saturday am! He wont return texts or answer calls. By the bank account i do know where he is or was but im very worried! He was at a friends an hour away! The friend is a happily married guy and they are expecting their first child soon so i at least know hes with decent ppl but im really scared hes never not come home or called for days! My gut tells me hes trying to teach me a lesson and worry me but i dont know!!

[tojaz]

Trust your instincts Allie.

 

He may be trying to teach you a lesson, or he may just need to be alone with his thoughts. Either way calling and texting him constantly is going to do nothing to help your situation.

 

You know where he is and that hes safe. Leave him be and hope he comes to you.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

He came home laste night! Not talking to me though still and sleeping on couch! Im just letting him be! Im hoping we can get passed this. Its just hard because i feel like ill be walking on eggshells with him if we do makeup. Im really hoping it wont be another 3 weeks till we talk like last time :-(

[xenomorph]

i can't get over how instead of comforting you he would have a hissy fit. could he not even consider that the stress you've been through could have contributed a bit to your miscarriage? you weren't exactly on cloud nine during your pregnancy.

 

not saying you should blame him, because it's no one's at fault, really.

You already know now that you shouldn't lie.

It's important that he develops better coping and communication skills because this ring-pulling and disappearing act is not cool. At all. However, he is on the right track about having some cooling off time to think; there's a healthier way to express that though.

 

Own up to your faults, and hopefully he'll own up to his when he's out of this funk. Use this downtime to reflect and think about what you need, what you felt, and what you want out of this relationship. This quiet time is a good thing for both of you right now.

[AllieKat]

Its very awkward around here! He avoids me and when i came home today after work he got showered and left! I dont want to say anything to him cause i wanna give him space but its so hurtful to feel alone and hes back to being short with my daughter again he gives her a simple hi and thats it! Not sure i can handle another 3 week no talking spell but i know i gotta keep my mouth shut and not stir up more drama

[tojaz]

He came home laste night! Not talking to me though still and sleeping on couch! Im just letting him be! Im hoping we can get passed this. Its just hard because i feel like ill be walking on eggshells with him if we do makeup. Im really hoping it wont be another 3 weeks till we talk like last time :-(

 

Definitely do not put yourself in the position to walk on eggshells the rest of your life just to keep him.

 

Its hard to imagine, but its not worth that.

 

You are giving him a grace period. Some time to collect his thoughts, deal with his emotions, and yes even be angry at you. There comes a point where it has to stop though. Otherwise it is just manipulative and cruel on his part and you have to be willing to take a stand that you and your child are worthy of his respect regardless of if he is staying or going.

 

Its a fine line and only one you can decide when it has been crossed, and it hurts like hell to have to draw that line with someone you care about. Give him space in an attempt to save the marriage, once it becomes selling yourself out, that line has been crossed and you are hurting for his benefit (or amusement depending on the person)

 

How long will be too long Allie?

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Allie,

 

First, I'm sorry to hear of the recent developments as well as the loss both of you have had to suffer due to the miscarriage. As you stated, this is not the first, I'm sure it is just as disappointing to him as it is to you.

 

Like I said in my last post, it's okay to talk to your spouse before it gets to a blow-up. Without open and honest communication between the two of you, both of you are going to feel like you are walking on eggshells. Before things get blown out of proportion, perhaps this is the time to really think to how communication between you both could be better.

 

I'm sure if you could find the right way to communicate, he could understand how you didn't want to stress him after such a short time after reconciling....but I'm betting that he is just as concerned for you and the health of what would have been his child.

 

How has this been in the past, before the argument that led to you saying you wanted a divorce?

 

Hang in there.

[AllieKat]

Well, i love him and i know i hurt him! Right now i prepared to give him a bit but tomorrow that might change! I guess it depends on my daughter she adores him too but him not being here or being absent when he is here hurts her deeply! I know the lies were over a few weeks so I cant expect hell be ready to talk just yet, but im hoping and praying our love will survive this rocky time! Does him avoiding me he cant stand the sight of me?

[AllieKat]

Prior to me threatening divorce when we had the other miscarriages he was great very supportive and kind and attentive and ofcourse sad but we dealt with it together! He was the best!!!!

[trippi1432]

Allie - are you still going to the counselor and does the counselor know about all of this? What has your counselor said about the situation so far?

[AllieKat]

I do still go to counseling but i hadnt told anyone we were expecting yet because of all my past miscarriages we decided we would tell ppl when we made it to 3 month mark! I was supposed to go see her last week but since i had the miscarriage i cancelled!

[tojaz]

Well, i love him and i know i hurt him! Right now i prepared to give him a bit but tomorrow that might change! I guess it depends on my daughter she adores him too but him not being here or being absent when he is here hurts her deeply! I know the lies were over a few weeks so I cant expect hell be ready to talk just yet, but im hoping and praying our love will survive this rocky time! Does him avoiding me he cant stand the sight of me?

 

I doubt that he cant stand the sight of you Allie. Most likely the opposite.

 

When my ex dropped the bomb, at one point she flat out told me that she was scared to be around me because it made it hard for her to remain resolute in her decision.... Now before you go running so that your all he sees, putting too much pressure seems to make staying resolute much easier.

 

When i heard that come from her lips, all I could think of was how to break down that wall, unfortunately that caused me to do all the classic mistakes folks make in these situations.

 

Make it not about how much he sees you, but what he sees when he does. If he sees something negative, it will be easier for him to stay away, if he sees something he will miss and would want to be a part of, then that will at least make him think.

 

If his cold behavior gets a response from you, he will keep doing it, if it doesn't, well there are no guarantees with these things, but it can help your odds and will help you through the times you feel like crying, begging, you know, all the things i did. Yes it is going to be play acting for awhile. Fake it until you make it.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I said i hang as long as i could its way harder than before! He hasnt come home yet tonight and its after midnight! This totally makes me feel likes hes cheating on me! I just dont get how he cant just mot come home when he has no clise family or friends to stay with. Is it possible because i lied hed just go cheat on me to get back at me? Its so odd there hasnt been any strange or new numbers on his cell or anything but yet hes not home!!

[tojaz]

I said i hang as long as i could its way harder than before! He hasnt come home yet tonight and its after midnight! This totally makes me feel likes hes cheating on me! I just dont get how he cant just mot come home when he has no clise family or friends to stay with. Is it possible because i lied hed just go cheat on me to get back at me? Its so odd there hasnt been any strange or new numbers on his cell or anything but yet hes not home!!

 

It is possible i guess, but highly unlikely. If that was the case he would basicly have to be living there. Thats not something that just happens over such a short period of time. Don't let your imagination run away with you, you have a right to ask him where he has been.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Thx Tojaz your the best! He came home at 12:30! I feel to scared to ask him anything though! My friends told me to stop hiding from him in my room so that is what i did yesterday but he left instead. Because of last time i know a bunch of things not to do but not much on what to! Im trying to keep busy so i dont just sit and cry but im still so sad over miscarriage to go do anything fun. He has pulled (yet) some of the other crap like last time though. He had deleted me from being his wife on fb, changed his passwords, etc thus far he hasnt done that. I just dont know what to do:-/

[tojaz]

Thx Tojaz your the best! He came home at 12:30! I feel to scared to ask him anything though! My friends told me to stop hiding from him in my room so that is what i did yesterday but he left instead. Because of last time i know a bunch of things not to do but not much on what to! Im trying to keep busy so i dont just sit and cry but im still so sad over miscarriage to go do anything fun. He has pulled (yet) some of the other crap like last time though. He had deleted me from being his wife on fb, changed his passwords, etc thus far he hasnt done that. I just dont know what to do:-/

 

He pulls the other crap because he knows it worked the last time. Hes creating distance, hes angry, resentful, and wants to make sure you know it.

 

You are dealing with all this and grieving for the miscarriage and he is too selfish to see that right now because of his anger.

 

So, what to do is simply not allow that poison to infect you. Do something thats good for you, something that will give you some peace, something thats just for you. Thats different for everyone, but you have to have something that will allow you to escape from all of this for an hour. Reading, a walk in the park, plotting world domination? What works for Allie??

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

I do still go to counseling but i hadnt told anyone we were expecting yet because of all my past miscarriages we decided we would tell ppl when we made it to 3 month mark! I was supposed to go see her last week but since i had the miscarriage i cancelled!

 

I believe she said that he didn't pull the other crap like before....

 

I would advise that you tell you counselor everything, but I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you this...if you ever really loved your husband, you would be open and honest with him...

 

Like Forest Gump...that's all I have to say about that.

Edited May 31, 2012 by trippi1432
added

[tojaz]

He has pulled (yet) some of the other crap like last time though.

 

Oops, that must have been intended as a HASN'T. My mistake, thanks for pointing that out Trippi .

 

In that case, not sure what that means, if he was so set on doing those things last time and not now. Like i said before, he may just be taking time to process. His actions still sound rather angry though.

 

Maybe next time you cross paths, just let him know that your upset and disappointed over the miscarriage as well and that your sorry lying hurt him. Then just leave it like that, sometimes a little reminder that there is another set of emotions in the mix is necessary. Just quick and mater of fact like. He will hear more of a short quick message then letting out all that I'm sure you want to.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I believe she said that he didn't pull the other crap like before....

 

I would advise that you tell you counselor everything, but I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you this...if you ever really loved your husband, you would be open and honest with him...

 

Like Forest Gump...that's all I have to say about that.

 

Ofcourse I love him! I made a mistake! Just not sure how to rebound from that mistake. Im afraid even the simply I'm so sorry I lied to you will ignite a fight!

 

On another note he stayed home the entire day yesterday instead of going wherever. Today is offically 1 week of him not speaking to me:-(

[tojaz]

Im afraid even the simply I'm so sorry I lied to you will ignite a fight!

 

A fight takes two, if you are not willing to fight, then there won't be one. I know its not quite that simple, but its something to keep in mind. If you say your piece, you can't control how he will react, but you do have control over how you respond to that reaction.

 

If he responds harshly, just say "I'm sorry, I just wanted you to know that" or something similar that works for you, and then leave him with his thoughts without pressing any further.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

So thus far Hubby still isnt talking to me, its been over a week and Im feeling very depressed but more importantly my daughter is very depressed. He barely will speak to her ( shes 11) and wont even make eye contact with her. I know Ive felt I need to just give him time and he'll come to me when hes ready but I afraid maybe I should be doing something to let him see Im sorry. Im just at a complete loss because the last time this happened we made up cause I found out I was preggo. And Im the one who went to him to talk during that time to tell him stuff.Evenutally he talked but I'm afraid this time he wont talk to me to because he feels its my fault and obviously Im not preggo anymore so its not as if he feels he would have to talk. Any suggestions??? I guess because Im the party at fault I feel a sense of responsibility to try harder or iniate the convo! :-/

[tojaz]

So thus far Hubby still isnt talking to me, its been over a week and Im feeling very depressed but more importantly my daughter is very depressed. He barely will speak to her ( shes 11) and wont even make eye contact with her. I know Ive felt I need to just give him time and he'll come to me when hes ready but I afraid maybe I should be doing something to let him see Im sorry. Im just at a complete loss because the last time this happened we made up cause I found out I was preggo. And Im the one who went to him to talk during that time to tell him stuff.Evenutally he talked but I'm afraid this time he wont talk to me to because he feels its my fault and obviously Im not preggo anymore so its not as if he feels he would have to talk. Any suggestions??? I guess because Im the party at fault I feel a sense of responsibility to try harder or iniate the convo! :-/

 

In all honesty Allie, what do you have to lose?

 

To me, it seems that if hes still making a big show over how angry he is, then he is probably waiting for something, and your not going to know what that is unless you open the lines of communication.

 

Like was discussed before, keep it short and sweet, and prepare yourself emotionally so you can seperate yourself calmly if you need to. Don't let yourself get dragged into a fight, recognize when things aren't going well or if he goes on the attack. Be ready to back away before more damage is done, think a calm and confident retreat rather then digging in your heels and going on defense. (this will be against every instinct in the heat of the moment!!!!!)

 

TOJAZ