Author AllieKat Posted June 3, 2012 Author Share Posted June 3, 2012 Ugh the saga continues.... A mutual friend well now ex friend is spreading gossip all over town now about me being a liar so i texted hubby to tell him not quite sure how to take his texts back! I guess i should be happy he even wrote back.. I need some insight Heres what we said: Me: I need to chat with you real quick please if you can Him:Anything that actually needs to be discussed right now can be handled in a text message. Me:Ok thats fine!! "betty" is telling everyone about our situation im not thrilled Him:Okay, so if you are not thrilled, you should ask her to stop saying whatever it is that she is saying. Me:I did tell her last week to stay out of it but she wont She said such awful things to me last week and its not business shes a bitch Him:Well I guess you've done all you can do-if she is saying anything to anyone beyond that, there isn't much that can be done. Me:How can u be around her when she gossips about us like that? Me:Are u at the race? Him:First and foremost, I haven't heard anything from anyone, so I can't confirm that anything is actually being said. Secondly, I don't have much choice but to be around her with the association and all, but I don't think that is an issue anyway. Working with "bettys husband, Bill" at the race track, I don't have anything but incidental contact with her so I don't consider that a problem either. Lastly, I'm not concerned because anything that she-or anyone else-might be saying probably isn't negative about me-if it is about you, that is up to you to deal with. Him:I don't feel that my whereabouts are your concern, but yes, I am at the racetrack. Me:Your right it is negative about me but I thought youd stick up for me anyhow! Him:Since I'm not hearing it, I won't go stirring up trouble with people who I have no problems with. Whatever it is, if you aren't okay with it, you need to address it. Him:I'm done texting now. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 it sounds like he is, or is at least trying to appear very disconnected. It is very true that at times like these yo find out who your true friends are. I wouldn't waste your time worrying about what this woman thinks or says about you, the ones that matter will know better. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 3, 2012 Author Share Posted June 3, 2012 Well he finally deleted me as his wife off FB! Im not sure if these things are him acting out again or getting rid of me! :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 3, 2012 Author Share Posted June 3, 2012 Actually he completly unfriended me Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Site's been down for awhile. Any new developments? As for him deleting you, its just another thing you can't throw a lot of meaning behind just yet. Welcome to the Facebook world where a keystroke can break a heart. A few posts ago I said he was doing certain things for the reaction. I don't think any of that has changed.... he wants to make sure you know hes upset, but hes so busy screaming it that he may not have any idea what else to do or what will come next. Unfortunately that leaves you on his timetable before anything can move one way or another. All you can do is what you already have. Let him know you understand, your hurting too, and your willing and eager to discuss it when he is ready. Until then, standing for your marriage will mean spending some time in limbo. Sorry, wish i had something better for you. Hugs! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 7, 2012 Author Share Posted June 7, 2012 Not much new... He is a little better with my daughter though. I asked him Sun if we could talk he said no!! So i wrote him a note, an "im sorry, hope you can forgive me someday, i love you", note!! I also wrote him another note asking him to take a few pictures off the wall I couldnt get down. (painters are coming in a few) then i went out for the day and when i came home he did take the pictures down for me but he put both notes in my room. Obviously he read one but not sure if he reas the Im sorry note and i dont get why he gave them back? Lol oh well im still letting him be and giving him his space. Today is two weeks!! :-( we are supposed to go to beach The 17th but i have a feeling he wont go now Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Not much new... He is a little better with my daughter though. I asked him Sun if we could talk he said no!! So i wrote him a note, an "im sorry, hope you can forgive me someday, i love you", note!! I also wrote him another note asking him to take a few pictures off the wall I couldnt get down. (painters are coming in a few) then i went out for the day and when i came home he did take the pictures down for me but he put both notes in my room. Obviously he read one but not sure if he reas the Im sorry note and i dont get why he gave them back? Lol oh well im still letting him be and giving him his space. Today is two weeks!! :-( we are supposed to go to beach The 17th but i have a feeling he wont go now So go to the beach without him and have a good time. Two weeks is a long time for him to just leave you twisting in the wind without giving any indication what is going to happen. I admire your patience but it seems like he is taking advantage of that. How have you been? Have you been able to keep yourself occupied, or at least find a little fun for yourself? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 7, 2012 Author Share Posted June 7, 2012 Yeah its been hard but i learned all the things not to do last time! I love him I can let him have as much time as he needs however I cant promise I'll be waiting forever either! Im doing ok, I miss him and I have good days and bad days but Ive been keeping very busy, infact I go with friends who have kids most nights. When I am home though I do kinda stay far away from him and hang out in our bedroom. Maybe I'm not making myself approachable either? In my heart at this point I will only work things out if he agrees to go to counseling with me. I cant have him ignore me for weeks just cause I made/make mistakes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 Yeah its been hard but i learned all the things not to do last time! I love him I can let him have as much time as he needs however I cant promise I'll be waiting forever either! Im doing ok, I miss him and I have good days and bad days but Ive been keeping very busy, infact I go with friends who have kids most nights. When I am home though I do kinda stay far away from him and hang out in our bedroom. Maybe I'm not making myself approachable either? In my heart at this point I will only work things out if he agrees to go to counseling with me. I cant have him ignore me for weeks just cause I made/make mistakes. Very good that you have conditions Allie, and that you are keeping busy. i wouldn't make yourself a prisoner in your room though. Hes ignoring you and your making it easy for him to do that by hiding. Go about your business, enjoy your home. If he wants to shut you out, then let him do the work. Maybe seeing how much effort he is putting in to giving you the cold shoulder will flip a few switches for him. Im not saying parade around and try to be in his face all the time, but live your life and if your paths should cross in the house, let him be the one to remove himself. You have just as much right as he does. TOJAZ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 8, 2012 Author Share Posted June 8, 2012 Thx tojaz- it totally sucks! I kinda feel like this is way more serious then before and he may not ever forgive me. However hes still here and to the best of my knowledge he hasnt taken any steps to do end things yet! I try to keep reminding myself that if he truly loves me hell forgive me for my stupid actions this time but I dunno, i feel like he couldkeep up the no talking forever Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 Thx tojaz- it totally sucks! I kinda feel like this is way more serious then before and he may not ever forgive me. However hes still here and to the best of my knowledge he hasnt taken any steps to do end things yet! I try to keep reminding myself that if he truly loves me hell forgive me for my stupid actions this time but I dunno, i feel like he couldkeep up the no talking forever Your being punished Allie. At least thats my take on it. Its all about how people deal with their emotions. Hes upset and angry. Thats understandable, but rather then doing something with those feelings hes dumping on you, because he feels that he needs to hold someone accountable. So he gives you the silent treatment because he knows how it effects you. Problem is, that doesn't do anything to help what he is feeling. Thats just my opinion based on what you have wrote of course. Thats why I said to get out of your room and let him make the action of isolating himself. If his actions are no longer having the desired effect, he will stop and try something else. Unfortunately we do not know what that something else is, but it is better then living in limbo. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 So yesterday I had follow up Dr appt and I let DH know. I also let know i would like to try to be super careful with money this pay as we have a lot of bills coming up. He texts me back and tells me he has been having car is etc etc and had to buy something for his car... No big deal at all in fact I had no idea and was suprised he would tell me or text me. Needless to say he let meknow he was taken yesterday off to work onnhis car issues. My dr appr time came and i was there much longer then expected because they are very worried about me and the fact ive had multiple miscarriages so they ordered me to er for 9 different tests! I text Dh and see if he can get daughter dinner. He simply says hes not home and when i ask if hes planning on being home anytime soon he says no. He never once asked or seemed to care about what was going on with my health or etc. not sure if he cares or is just being tough. Just when i think that at least hell answer my texts and its a small step he shows me this cold side. My friends keep saying if he really wanted to be done and free hed be gone and wouldnt be answering texts and prob wouldnt be even coming home. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 Allie, I read and reread this post a number of times not really knowing how to respond. Its so hard to try and figure what the other person is thinking, often times they don't even know themselves. I don't know how many of the other threads you read but there are clear and defined trends that seem to reoccur over and over. One of the more prominent are the icy shifts in behavior. I know in my own D I had experienced it many times where she would "catch" herself not being angry. A brief moment where it seemed like she more ore less seemed to have forgotten that she was supposed to be the tortured oppressed wife and for brief instances left the wall down. In these moments we could talk freely, at times she would accidentally cuddle up to me, hug or even lean in for a kiss. It actually happened a lot. Then suddenly she would realized that she was supposed to be angry and distant and the walls and attacks would come back ferociously! I see very similar stories played out on this board and elsewhere quite commonly and it is enough to drive you mad. Be careful, you will see those glimpses from time to time and like was mine, your instinct will be to try and grab hold and draw it further out before it retreats again. Unfortunately that just prompts them to build better and stronger defenses, sturdier and taller walls. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 11, 2012 Author Share Posted June 11, 2012 I have read some other threads on here. None quite are the same but I agree some behaviors are! Its so hard to live this way...ive spent the day waiting to work up the nerve to talk to him ( not about anything serious just small talk) and he hasnt been home when Ive been home for ir to happen. I know him better than anyone yet Im at a complete loss here! All i can do is hope at this point and try to be strong for my daughter. Everyday seems to bring a new twist and turn but Im hoping in the end love prevails Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 All the stories are different, yet many of them seem to fall into a handful of formulas when you boil them down. You know the old saying "Plan for the worst but hope for the best"? I think thats where you need to be. That means starting to move forward like he's not going to be in your life. Im not saying throw him out, file papers or anything like that. Its about removing his, what I'm just going to come right out and call "punishment" from the equation. Remove the fear and worry. Why should anyone have to work up the nerve to speak to the person they love and have loved and felt safe with for a long time? Thats torture. Set the boundary and send a clear message that you don't want the marriage to end, but your not going to stop living just because he decided to pull out. Rather then waiting around for him, and sitting there speculating where he is and when he will return.... give him a few things to guess about. TOJAZ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 11, 2012 Author Share Posted June 11, 2012 Im so trying to get there. Ive been trying to keep busy and am not allowing him to see me be sad! But obviously im just not to where Im really feeling that way. Tonight i made a point to talk to him for the first time in two weeks ( other then last sunday when i asked him if we could talk) face to face. It was a simply question about our car payment but our bank charged us a late fee and it wasnt late so i asked him today if he had seen that. He answered me but wouldnt make eye contact with me at all. He looked as though he was annoyed I even spoke to him. But i figured what do i have to lose?? As i type this im sitting in the same room as his as he igores me!!! Im wondering how long till he gets up and leaves the house. I need prayers!! Lol Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Im so trying to get there. Ive been trying to keep busy and am not allowing him to see me be sad! But obviously im just not to where Im really feeling that way. Its called FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT. Its for both of you. I don't expect you to be happy and be able to just shut it off, it doesn't work like that. Its showing him that while you want him, that you will survive just fine without him. It dissolves the power of his silent treatment. It also proves to yourself that if need be that you will be able to get to a point where you will not only survive but thrive! You want him to miss you my good friend Gunny376 called it "the gift of missing you" Be someone he'll miss, even if your not feeling it yet. Tonight i made a point to talk to him for the first time in two weeks ( other then last sunday when i asked him if we could talk) face to face. It was a simply question about our car payment but our bank charged us a late fee and it wasnt late so i asked him today if he had seen that. He answered me but wouldnt make eye contact with me at all. He looked as though he was annoyed I even spoke to him. But i figured what do i have to lose?? As i type this im sitting in the same room as his as he igores me!!! Im wondering how long till he gets up and leaves the house. I need prayers!! Lol You have every good wish i can send you. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Fake it until you make it is right...and eventually you will. When my ex threw down the gauntlet that he didn't want to be married to me any more, I gave him the silent treatment for as long as he needed it. Took a week and he wanted to reconcile....each recon pushed us further and further apart honestly. Why?? He didn't want to give up his "position" and I wasn't going to give up mine..I needed to be loved for me, just who I am..he needed to be loved for just who he is. The funny thing is, when you both are "fighting" for the same thing, to be heard, to be loved...to be respected...that is sharing a life with each other in each other's minds. Your daughter that you throw so much emphasis on and make it his responsibility....it's not. If the only way you can love him is about your child, then you are like so many other women who only see a man worth loving thru the eyes of their child...why would you be afraid of being loved for just being who you are? You should never have to lie, hide yourself, play games...just be you and let him choose his path. Allie, the facebook thing is BS, I have an ex from 20 years ago who contacts me on there and it means nothing, I have an "old flame" who throws the pic I took of him when he realized he didn't really care for me every time he breaks up with a new woman...sooner or later I take that as he just likes the pic and it floats his ego. You will be fine if its just you and your daughter, being a parent is a bigger responsibilty....but if you want to be loved for you, that goes beyond your child. It starts with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 Trip- i get some of what your saying and agree but I draw the line at the paragraph about my daughter! Im a living mother and any decent mother woukd be pissed if their husband was changing his behavior with daughter (or in my case step daughter) i dont love him because of her but instead shes my first love and ANYONE who doesnt treat her the way she is to be treated is wrong! Kids should not get drug into adult issues period end!! My love for hubby is genuine BUT as with anyone else I'm not so despwrate for a man that Id risk letting someone crap on my kid just to have a man! Shes innocent and whether you agree or not his treatment is WRONG of her! Enough said 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Trip- i get some of what your saying and agree but I draw the line at the paragraph about my daughter! Im a living mother and any decent mother woukd be pissed if their husband was changing his behavior with daughter (or in my case step daughter) i dont love him because of her but instead shes my first love and ANYONE who doesnt treat her the way she is to be treated is wrong! Kids should not get drug into adult issues period end!! My love for hubby is genuine BUT as with anyone else I'm not so despwrate for a man that Id risk letting someone crap on my kid just to have a man! Shes innocent and whether you agree or not his treatment is WRONG of her! Enough said You have it right Allie. You've made mistakes, but the current situation is his doing. Unfortunately there are some people who just prefer to embrace anger. Rather then looking at the situations they find themselves in, working on bettering their situation and their relationships, they become all about that anger. Always looking for ways to express it, to spread it around. To people like that, everything is a slight, anything you do is you doing something TO them. Whatever it takes to keep that anger alive and to continue to punish the ones they are angry at. Look at him, talk to him, take the last cup of coffee... thats something your maliciously doing to him. The more I read about your H, the more I worry that he may become one of these people. He has put so much energy and effort into being angry, he may not even know what he's angry about!! He will have no problem finding something if asked though. Thats one of the reasons it is so important that you continue living and "fake it until you make it". Sustained interaction like that becomes toxic and will try to poison everything it touches. I hope it doesn't go that far obviously, but it is out of your hands and you have to know that you can survive, and just knoing that will make this all a lot easier to handle. TOJAZ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 Ugh tonight we had a huge 2 hr blow up! He said he wants a divorce and basically all the same stuff as before he doesnt want to be a step father to my daughter, he doesnt care about me, im awful, his whereabouts arent my business then he scolded me for quitting the volunteer organization we both belonged to, and he threw in my face i contacted my mother (whom ive been astranged with for 5 years) he says hes in the process of figuring out how to get out of this marriage. He said its my cross to bear and its all my fault and ill have to live with this and the fact i screwed this marriage up with my lies! He doesnt even believe that i miscarried he thinks the dr just wrote that down on my paperwork, hes nuts!! This started because i saw he friended his first love on fb and i asked if he was cheating on me? He said no!!! He posted this on fb not sure what it even means... Im a big believer in symbolism-like you see something and it cues your subconscious to one of those "OH YEAH' moments, or you have a dream thatyou wake from and wonder what meaning it has....So, what does a person do when symbolism and the dreams carry a double and seemingly opposite meaning? This is the plague of my mind lately. Hes just doing and saying all the things he did before when we fought in april but this time he may really mean it! I tried to explian myself but he says he doesnt believe a word I say. And says he doesnt care what i do or about me. Yet hes so angry and my gut cant help but tell me thats the voice of someone who does care. Doesnt mean he wont still divorce me but im not buying the doesnt care about me and my daughter crap. If he didnt care he wouldnt be so pissed. I guessIm like a sitting duck now just waiting for him to get a lawyer and get things going. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 Weird day for sure... Earlier he folded laundry, did dishes andcleaned kitchen. Normally he would do this all but when hes been mad hes lazy and does nothing. I even had a little more small talk with him. But it came to end. I got out what i had to say and i think he did too, sometimes i feel like getting that stuff off chest can help rather than not talking at all. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Ugh tonight we had a huge 2 hr blow up! He said he wants a divorce and basically all the same stuff as before he doesnt want to be a step father to my daughter, he doesnt care about me, im awful, his whereabouts arent my business then he scolded me for quitting the volunteer organization we both belonged to, and he threw in my face i contacted my mother (whom ive been astranged with for 5 years) he says hes in the process of figuring out how to get out of this marriage. He said its my cross to bear and its all my fault and ill have to live with this and the fact i screwed this marriage up with my lies! He doesnt even believe that i miscarried he thinks the dr just wrote that down on my paperwork, hes nuts!! Question I already know the answer to..... Why did you let this go on for two hours? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 Well, it was mostly calm! I call it a big blow up cause the things that were said on his part! I finally got the chance to explain myself, apologize to his face and i guess i was thinking in that moment let him say whats hes got to and maybe hell hear me too Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Allie, I agree with your previous post, as a mother I hated when my exH drug our children into our issues or made our issues about the kids. Unlike you, I never had a man in my life that adored my daughter and treated her like his own, men like that are very hard to come by these days. My mother didn't even find a man like that until I was grown with children of my own. But his distancing himself from her is not punishment, I feel it's more a natural reaction to how he now feels about you....how he now sees you due to the things that have transpired. Based on what you state he posted on FB, I think it is very telling that due to the events that have happened, he sees you very differently now. Yes, you made mistakes and now he is in the current situation of how he feels about it due to that. I'm curious, have you been talking to common friends about the situation where he indirectly is getting fed back what your feelings are about he situation? Why would he throw it in your face about talking to your mother that you have been estranged from and how did he know you spoke with her? Link to post Share on other sites
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