sarasmiling Posted June 19, 2004 Posted June 19, 2004 Hi, this is my first post. I'm feeling desperate. I'm 35, never married no kids. I'v been in 3 long relationships and have always had the problem of feeling uncomfortable when things were going very well and we started getting emotionally more intimate and happier. I always needed to cause trouble so that we wouldn't get too close. I can't explain why. I'v also never been able to contemplate marriage although this is what I want. I think that I have subconsciously been choosing men who were really not "marriage-material" ie-too young, chronically unemployed, commitment phobic themselves etc etc etc my current relationship is with the kind of man I always wanted my whole life. stable, patient, easy to talk to, in touch with his feelings, he wants to marry and have kids, he is very much in love with me and lets me know it. I feel secure with him. He proposed to me after 6 months of dating. everything is perfect for a few weeks and then suddenly without warning I will get "scared" and think of the relationship almost like a jail. I start hating the idea of having children, and start criticising him, breaking dates, having long discussions about why his opinions are all wrong etc. Basically trying to find an "out" in the relationship. If I know theres a way out, then I can relax and feel lovingly toward him. But I keep putting off discussion of the wedding. Somedays I am very excited about planning it, and it's practically all planned in my head already, except I can't set an actual date. It scares me so much, I'm getting older, and he's the perfect guy for me, and I might lose him if I continue hurting him with my ambivalence. It pains me deeply to see the pain I am causing him. I just bought a book about commitment phobia online, but I would like to talk to real live people who have experienced it and what they did about it. I feel like there's a monster living inside me and I don't want to sabotage my relationship.
uriel Posted June 19, 2004 Posted June 19, 2004 Read Steven Carter's He's Scared, She's Scared -- and get thee to an individual therapist as well as couples counseling ASAP. I think you've correctly identified these feelings, and need to get some help working through them. -- uriel
kirkyswife Posted June 19, 2004 Posted June 19, 2004 Sounds to me as though you ARE sabotaging your relationship and complicating your life. My suggestion is to seek the counsel of a talk therapist (psychologist) - you may have underlying issues which cause you to create drama when none exists. I'm not a therapist but I am thankful for mine - I learned a lot about my family and how their dysfunctional attributes were subconsciously affecting my ability to live a happy healthy life.
msrealdoll Posted June 19, 2004 Posted June 19, 2004 I'm with the others. You would definitely benefit from counseling. You've identified the problem, and really want help. You would be amazed at how much a psychologist can help in this situation. They could help you to learn how to control your behavior, and find different ways of dealing with things. It may take trying a couple of different counselors out, but it would be well worth it. In the meantime, try talking to your fiancé and let him know what's going on, and the steps you're taking to correct the problem. He may be able to be more patient if he knows you're really trying.
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