emface4 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I was with a lovely wonderful guy for 3 years that treated me like a princess and really helped me through a lot of things and likewise, I helped him. We were engaged, lived together for a period of time and just got on like a house on fire. But that all changed 3 weeks ago. I recently lost 2 relatives in the space of 2 days of each other and I obviously reached out to him for support and was shocked when he wasn't there for me and was out with his mates. He then dropped the bombshell that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me and wanted to be friends. He did this while I was grieving which added extra stress on top of what I was already dealing with. I have never know him to be so cold. He has a new social life and apparently something has to give and that something is me. He is blaming the failure of the relationship on me which I don't find fair as when I have done wrong in the past I have always owned up to it and said sorry. I have cut contact off with him altogether as I am very hurt not only that he was insensitive at a time when I needed him the most, but because of his crappy attititude down the phone to me. I just wanna ask, do men have a delayed reaction to things and are able to block stuff out? I am just completely at a loss as to why he has changed so dramatically. I also wanna know if he does care? He said he doesn't have a tear to shed. Should I believe this?
gibson Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) I am very sorry about your loss. I bet you are going to find that following thread describes your Ex and what happened: "The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome and after you read the one above... Dumped by someone with G.I.G.S.? All your Questions are Answered within this thread! Edited April 20, 2012 by gibson
HollyBolly Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 It's not just men. My ex started distancing herself after my favourite cousin got cancer, my uncle died, my aunt died and my dog got hit by a car and killed on Christmas. I had never needed her as much during the whole relationship. I seriously suspect she has BPD or NPD or HPD. Maybe your man has one of these?
gibson Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 People with G.I.G.S. look / seem like they have BPD, NPD or HPD. It's just a phase of "youth rebellion", not caring, "sowing their wild oats", etc. Although it last for several years, it is not forever. Eventually they go back to the normal person that you once knew.
HollyBolly Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 People with G.I.G.S. look / seem like they have BPD, NPD or HPD. It's just a phase of "youth rebellion", not caring, "sowing their wild oats", etc. Although it last for several years, it is not forever. Eventually they go back to the normal person that you once knew. My ex is 30 but very immature for her age. I don't know if it was GIGS or BPD or what. All I know is that she was extremely unsupportive, and tried to blame the whole BU on me.
gibson Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 My ex is 30 but very immature for her age. I don't know if it was GIGS or BPD or what. All I know is that she was extremely unsupportive, and tried to blame the whole BU on me. I would have to know more about your relationship / break up to tell you if it was G.I.G.S. or not. As for the blaming thing... A lot of dumpers paint the dumpee black. They use it as a tool so they can have the courage / excuse to to break up, stick with and alleviate them of guilt. Most dumpers do not even realize they are doing it. Often times, they don't even mean what they are saying / blaming you for. They just want out and do / say whatever to make that happen.
HollyBolly Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I would have to know more about your relationship / break up to tell you if it was G.I.G.S. or not. As for the blaming thing... A lot of dumpers paint the dumpee black. They use it as a tool so they can have the courage / excuse to to break up, stick with and alleviate them of guilt. Most dumpers do not even realize they are doing it. Often times, they don't even mean what they are saying / blaming you for. They just want out and do / say whatever to make that happen. I remember your telling me on another thread that it wasn't GIGS but I can't remember which now. I don't want to hijack this thread so if you don't mind, I will pm you sometime and you can analyse it for me. Thx.
xenomorph Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I haven't posted my story (yet), but OP's post struck a massive chord with me when I read it. My husband decided he wanted to move back home during a very difficult time in my life (family crisis, life or death, major stress at work, difficult living situation). Because of this, I became so fearful, which led to me being used, manipulated, and hurt even more by him. (and yes, read the links posted by gibson!) While I know that this will be incredibly difficult for you right now, please listen to what I'm about to say: you MUST cut him out of your life IMMEDIATELY. He will not listen to reason, and he will avoid mutual friends and family who he knows will encourage him to stay with you. Kick him out, separate your belongings, tie as many loose ends as you can (even if it means that you have to do a lot of work, its okay. Don't bother resenting him for anything right now, and don't expect him to lift a finger either. just get this done!), get the keys or change your locks, ensure your privacy somehow, and go into strict NC for at least a month or two. Ignore his calls, emails, texts, everything. Let him miss you. Do not waver, do not let him see you wimper. If you feel yourself starting to get emotional, get away from him or get rid of him. Cry and mourn all you want when you're alone, but do NOT let him see you, have access to you, NOTHING. This is the only way he will go into "introspection mode". Your presence in his life right now will just make him zero in on you as an outlet for his negative emotions. Do not make the same mistake I did by offering myself up as his "friend" during this time, because he will use you and treat you like trash. He is someone else right now, and you must leave him alone. If he is being cold and distant, return the favor. You are NOBODY's doormat! You are wonderful and deserving of love and respect. Remember this. What helped me a lot during this difficult time was reading "Why Men Love Bitches". It's comical, but what it says about dignity and self respect is invaluable, and dulled the sharp pain i was feeling. I have a good idea of what you're going through right now, and I wish i had found this place earlier (unfortunately, i didn't find this place until 2 months into the torture, and a lot of damage was already done). Seek comfort with family and friends, and if you can, see a counselor/therapist. Go out and do things you enjoy (even if you don't particularly enjoy them as much at the moment; trust me, i know, it's hard right now). If you want to stay home and sleep, that's ok too, but make sure that if you start feeling really low, to contact a trusted friend, or post here on LS! if you just want to vent and chat, do so. I'm listening. We are all listening. -big hugs-
Author emface4 Posted April 21, 2012 Author Posted April 21, 2012 Thanks for your replies and the "Grass Is Greener" syndrome certainly is what my ex seems to have! He never has really had a network of friends and now that he has found some through work he thinks it is the best thing ever. I actually said to him when we were breaking up that it will be short lived as he doesn't really know these people and he has sacrificed a real, loyal friend for people that might only stick around with him for a couple of months. I am finding not talking to him very hard as he was my best friend and I confided EVERYTHING in him, but I am sure time will heal my wound. I also think the chance of getting back together ever did arise, I couldn't do it. I will never look at him in the same way as he has disapointed me and I would in a way be petrified of anyone else dying within my family and him switching off again. He doesn't seem to think he will regret his decision, he will in time won't he? My prince charming is out there somewhere and I just have to wait for him to find me
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