How to find out if my BF is financially responsible?

[make me believe]

Omg! Just ASK HIM whatever questions you have! Background check? Tax search? WTF? If you can't trust him to tell you the truth about a house that he owns, then why are you with him? Ask him casually to take you to the house ffs! What is the big issue here? If he gives a bunch of excuses, then that's shady and maybe you shouldn't be with him. But stop with the google searches and background checks and sh*t. That is ridiculous. I have nothing to hide but I would be pissed and super creeped out if I found out a guy I was dating was running credit reports and background checks on me.

 

And why are you letting him stay at your house and be around your kids, even though you apparently don't trust the guy?

[truth_seeker]

I have nothing to hide but I would be pissed and super creeped out if I found out a guy I was dating was running credit reports and background checks on me.

 

This is a toss up for me. I would be insulted to an extent, but can you blame a person for being cautious?

[M2155]

If its early in the relationship it's one thing, but if you are getting serious, you need to talk about financial compatibility. Put it out there where you stand and what you want/expect and give him a chance to open up.

[FitChick]

Most of those background check websites are worthless. Don't believe it? Just search for yourself. I found so much erroneous information on myself that I contacted them and had them delete my listings. I didn't want a future mate or employer to be misled.

[RedRobin]

I'd recommend that anyone (especially those with children) simply inform whomever they plan to date that they do background checks... and that before they become serious, that other discussions (ie credit, STDs, etc) will be discussed or researched.

 

That way everything is up front.

[RedRobin]

This is a toss up for me. I would be insulted to an extent, but can you blame a person for being cautious?

 

It is none of their business. They should at least give the person the option to provide it voluntarily or walk.

[make me believe]

It is none of their business. They should at least give the person the option to provide it voluntarily or walk.

 

Exactly. She hasn't even asked the guy about any of this! She just ran to google and started running background checks and sh*t. Ridiculous!

[dasein]

A man who pays with cash all the time when he is with a woman is usually a cheater. He pays with cash to not leave a trail so the other woman will not find out.

 

Couldn't disagree more with the above. People who are likely paid partially or entirely in cash use cash, This is very common in the industry where OP's guy works. People who don't like using credit or debit cards use cash, as do those concerned with or past victims of identity theft.

 

The most you can say is that they are in a minority in our society, assuming people who use cash are cheaters is unreasonable.

[johan]

The house in another town part seems odd to me. It's being renovated? Who is doing the work? Restaurant managers make pretty good money, but I don't think it's enough to keep a crew working on the summer house.

 

I think it's fair to ask him what his net worth is and about his cash flow. If he's like most people he won't be able to answer with any precision. But it's a place to start the conversation.

 

Having to go behind his back is not a good sign. Either you are not a trusting person, or he's given you the impression he isn't going to be honest. Let's hope not both.

[darkmoon]

the house you have never been to arouses suspicion - will he just point to a stranger's house and say it's his? (been done to me) or will it be real - you can only wait til June

[FitChick]

I think it's fair to ask him what his net worth is and about his cash flow.

 

Sounds too soon to ask those questions. I'd wait until I was engaged and before that time, I'd know if he had a spending or saving pattern, which is important. Different "money styles" cause lots of problems in relationships.

 

My friend's boyfriend was delinquent on his student loans when they met. He was living in a crappy apartment in a crappy part of town. He didn't own a car. He was an engineer and made more than she did but he was always broke. When they started living together, he handed over his paycheck to her every week and she gave him an allowance. She paid down the loans, built up his credit and eventually they got married and bought a house. It never would have been possible if she hadn't been in charge of the household finances. Of course, you need to trust the other person, especially if you aren't married to them. They traded up on that house since then, too.

Edited April 21, 2012 by FitChick

[johan]

I know we aren't dating yet, FitChick, but could you PM me your net worth?

[firehawk_1]

just_a_poster: OF COURSE im reading it and no way do I put on a spin. im just putting it out how it is and to be considerate of BOTH parties and from experience and readings on the site. but at the same time im saying the truth. its that simple. no ifs, no buts, no nothing.

 

in the end its been advised not to carry out or do this behind the persons back for many reasons. im sure you wouldnt like it happening to you? im sure women in general wouldnt like that. would be a betrayal of trust and the whole drama would kick off causing the relationship to end immediately etc... etc...

[spookie]

I would be creeped out if my bf was performing credit and background checks on me. Seems contrary to the idea of intimacy. Do you not trust him?

[RedRobin]

the whole concept of intimacy is predicated on the idea that you give the person the opportunity to VOLUNTEER sensitive information.

 

I never Google anyone. There is absolutely nothing I'm going to learn about someone's character on Google.

 

Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe I ask good questions. I dunno. Everything I've ever needed to know about someone they volunteered. Over time, I've gotten better at sorting out the subtle tells that help me hone in on possible problem areas. But I've never, ever had to snoop or forcibly withdraw information from someone under duress. Not even cheating. Even that was confessed to me. Sadly.

 

One of my favorite sayings from Emerson (that also haunts me) is:

 

"Character teaches above our wills. Men imagine that they communicate their virtue or vice only by overt actions, and do not see that virtue or vice emit a breath every moment."

[FitChick]

I use my credit card instead of my debit card because if the card is stolen or the card is compromised in any way, it's the bank's money, not mine. I pay it down every month and have enough reward points for round trip airfare to the UK. Works for me!

[2sunny]

How did you meet this guy? Was it through friends that know him or was it through online dating?

 

I ask because online dating can be a forum for people to not be upfront about their character (at times).

[monkey00]

Just keep it casual and keep going out. I was dating this girl for months just having a good time. There were a couple questions here and there she had to root out my financial stability. One time we were at a bar and she said she just paid her rent and asked if I did. A month later she just asked if I owned my apartment. Sometimes asking works, and some people do lie. I had an ex that kept the amount of her debt a secret until the end, which meant she lied about it when we were dating.

 

I think talking about it casually if not in depth is a good way to go. You can't start a relationship with someone assuming things about them. It takes a long time to really know someone, but finances are one of the first things people should be really transparent about early on.

[mostlyclueless]

WOW. You would consider having a background check done before you consider HAVING A SERIOUS CONVERSATION WITH HIM ABOUT THIS!?

 

Sorry to break it to you, this relationship is headed toward a giant ****storm. You need to work on your relationship skills.

[zengirl]

I don't understand how you can be dating someone who you suspect might be lying about having a house. Personally, I just find that odd. Whether he has the house or not shouldn't really matter, but if he LIED about such a large thing, that's a red flag to me. What leads you to think he's lying? It sounds like you've never bothered going there to see it. It's not uncommon to have a home in another town if he used to live there -- hard to sell them immediately these days and remodeling it seems reasonable if you want to sell it -- so that doesn't strike me as odd, necessarily, BUT since you suspect it, it makes me suspicious of him, too. What does he do that makes you so suspicious of it?

 

At any rate, it's easy as pie to look up and see if someone owns property in most cases if you have the address. But why would you NEED to look it up? What am I missing?

[waiting4u]

Oh my, I have opened a can of worms lol. Let me see if I can respond to some of these issues that have been brought up.

 

1) My bf has been an acquaintance for several years, a friend for a while, we because closer and closer, and we have recently gotten serious. I did not meet him online.

 

2) I am in my 30's and suspicious by nature because I have been burned in the past quite badly and also because I want to protect my children's psychological / emotional well-being (i.e. I anticipate future problems before I get too involved with a person). In the past I have discovered that intelligent men can easily hide some serious damage.

 

3) I am somewhat suspicious of him because he lied to me when we first got together about another girl he had recently been seeing (before we are together). I posted about this before. He told me his "phone was broken," when actually he had very recently had sex with the girl and she was calling him often. One lie might mean there are other lies. As he has a good job, financial instability in his case might indicate other problems that I don't need in my life.

 

4) I went behind his back because I did not want to insult him by asking about financial issues so early in the relationship. I'm more interested in a "financial philosophy" (saving rather than living paycheck to paycheck) than a net worth. I have tremendous respect for him as a person and don't want to hurt his feelings. It's just that I was continually noticing things I was curious about - the paying with cash - the older model used car - recent problems with a roommate (I found out later he was staying there temporarily while the house was remodeled). I've also posted about the fact that he doesn't have any sort of fashion sense and doesn't appear to invest much in his clothes. Things like this made me wonder. Yes, it's paranoid, but these things seem unusual to me.

 

5) Some of you have assumed that I use credit cards and choose to "spend by going into debt." This is not true. The point is that I rarely carry cash and this is true I think with many people these days. After dating someone for several months and NEVER witnessing them paying for something with any kind of card (debit, credit, whatever) is really weird in my book. I also own my car. It's just that this seems like a rare thing - most people make payments on an expensive car, and I find this particularly true with men.

 

6) The reason I am in this pickle and feel like I need to know everything right now is because this relationship is moving REALLY fast and both of us have tried to slow it down with little success. We like each other a lot and are so comfortable and compatible that it is hard to pace the relationship. Thus, he has been to my house a LOT and around my children. I haven't had a lot of time to get to know every aspect of his personality and that really concerns me. If there is some issue that is going to screw this up down the line, I need to know about it NOW before this goes any further. Yes, I messed up in allowing this to move so fast. I admit that.

 

7) I have not visited his house (only the apartment) because I am seriously busy and don't see the point in driving an hour and a half to look at a house in another city that is being remodeled (we couldn't spend the night there or anything). As he is also busy and has not suggested it, I haven't had the opportunity. I was suspicious about the house because not only was it far away, he was currently living with a roommate when I met him, but also because he mentioned it was a "family home." It is, and was left to him in his father's will.

 

Update: I have had the conversation with him. It was awful. He was insulted and defensive. I tried to repeatedly tell him it was more about the "financial philosophy" than anything else. We eventually talked about my trust issues, he assured me he is financially secure, etc, he spends with cash because he is often paid in cash at work and uses cards to pay for bills. Also, he is just not that concerned with appearance, thus the not investing in clothes or a fancy car. He admitted that it was probably time for him to do some shopping. More than anything - yes, he was angry I brought it up (and this is what I was trying to avoid), but we both agreed we want a future together and need to be on the same page financially (plus I need to deal with my trust issues).

 

Thanks to all of you for your advice on this. Yeah, like someone said, my relationship skills suck, but that's mostly because I've been in unhealthy relationships and I don't want to repeat my mistakes. This guy is a keeper and I really care about him. I'm just curious about the things I don't know, and I don't want to interrogate him.

Edited April 23, 2012 by waiting4u

[FitChick]

I'm glad it worked out for you. At the very least I think this thread gave people food for thought about the importance of financial compatibility in a relationship or marriage.

[OliveOyl]

I think it's important to think about what you will do with the information once you find out -- if anything.

 

I have always been a saver and have had a policy of staying away from debt (sometimes I will put things on a credit card, but am able to pay off right away or very quickly). The idea of working, yet living paycheck-to-paycheck is somewhat foreign to me.

 

Well, after several months of dating my BF I discovered that despite having a pretty reasonable income, he's been living paycheck-to-paycheck for some time (paying off debts, child support, etc.). Now I know a number of people would consider breaking things off for such fiscal "irresponsibility." But I thought about it and realized I love him and want to be with him regardless. I don't need someone to take care of me financially. We are able to go out and do fun things. He pays often when we go out, however I pitch in often too. As far as I know he's not "reckless" with money; it's just things got a bit out of hand, and he's paying for some past mistakes (i.e., debt).

 

If we consider getting married and merging accounts, then I will be more concerned about it. Also, although I'm not "banking" on it, I'm hoping my general frugal and financial philosophy will start rubbing on him too. I can't guarantee that this will never be an issue, but money and material things are not as high priority for me as they are for others.

Edited April 23, 2012 by OliveOyl