waiting4u Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 So my boyfriend and I are getting kind of serious. He stays over at my house a lot, etc. I'm not someone who trusts people easily, and I would like find out if this is a person I want to get involved with long-term. I'm a teacher, so not particularly wealthy, but I have children and don't want to get involved with someone who I will end up supporting. I just want to know if he is able to hold his own financially - if he has good credit, etc. I can't really tell from his job - he manages a high-end restaurant / club and also makes commission from event planning. He claims to own a house, but it's in another city and I've never made the trek out to see it. He says it's being renovated. He has an apartment near his work and drives a used car that is paid for. I'm not a gold digger or looking for someone to support me. It's just that I don't want to become involved long-term with someone who is going to be a financial burden to me. Any thoughts on how to get this information? I don't have his social security number, so I can't really do a background check, although I at least know he's not a registered sex offender - I checked that right away because of my kids. He must have decent credit to be renting, right? I don't know how that works but I think it involves a credit check and a background check. I've never seen him use a credit card. He pays for everything with cash. This is strange to me. Should I snoop? Look in his wallet? That's not really ethical, and I shudder to think what would happen if he caught me.
FitChick Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 In this day and age, it's odd not to use a credit card. As for the house, tell him you are interested in architecture, design, interior decorating, home improvements, etc. and ask to go see it as a work in progress. If he even lets you, which is doubtful, you will have the address and you can find out who owns the property by contacting the town it is in.
OliveOyl Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 If you can support yourself and he seems to be supporting himself, does it really matter now? It's only an issue if you were to get married and became responsible for any debt he's incurred (or you start living together and he loses his job, which could happen to anyone). So if you decide to get married, have him sign a pre-nup beforehand.
firehawk_1 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 dont beat around the bush. have a talk with him and say that you are in it for the long haul but you need to know if he is financially independant and wont mooch from you. its simple and straight forward. if he wont say then you best move on and you have saved yourself alot of hassle and money. you should also say that he should do his part around the house too if he is staying there, as its only fair and at the end of the day, it is YOUR house. 2
Imajerk17 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) dont beat around the bush. have a talk with him and say that you are in it for the long haul but you need to know if he is financially independant and wont mooch from you. its simple and straight forward. if he wont say then you best move on and you have saved yourself alot of hassle and money. you should also say that he should do his part around the house too if he is staying there, as its only fair and at the end of the day, it is YOUR house. I agree with firehawk_1. Your concerns are legitimate. I'm concerned that he is spending so much time at your place already with your kids, part of it due to financial motivations (i.e., a previous thread of yours). This is bad news on a couple of different levels. Edited April 20, 2012 by Imajerk17
Author waiting4u Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 I agree with firehawk_1. Your concerns are legitimate. I'm concerned that he is spending so much time at your place already, part of it due to financial motivations (i.e., a previous thread of yours). This is bad news on a couple of different levels. I've been doing some googling, and I believe he really does own the house. He's been staying over a lot merely because his roommate is a witch and when we go over there she is even more witchy. It's not really financial reasons. He is taking over the lease June 1st and she is leaving, so that shouldn't be an issue anymore at that point. I'm going to try and find the public records on the house to see if he is really the owner. I just don't feel I can come out and ask him about his bank account at this point. But I hear you, it has been moving really fast.
firehawk_1 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 if I were you, I would STOP right now. do not go snooping around and doing checks on him. it is a clear violation of trust on both parts and will do more damage than any good at all. 2
Imajerk17 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I've been doing some googling, and I believe he really does own the house. He's been staying over a lot merely because his roommate is a witch and when we go over there she is even more witchy. It's not really financial reasons. He is taking over the lease June 1st and she is leaving, so that shouldn't be an issue anymore at that point. I'm going to try and find the public records on the house to see if he is really the owner. I just don't feel I can come out and ask him about his bank account at this point. But I hear you, it has been moving really fast. For some reason I just read your response to my post from your thread of a few weeks ago, AFTER I posted the above. Even with that in mind, if he is staying over your place and getting to know your family, you have a right to ask him about his finances. You don't need to see his tax returns or anything, but you do need to know whether he can support himself. You can say "Hey you're staying at my place and you've met my family, how come I haven't seen your house yet?". It's a fair question.
OliveOyl Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 So if you find out he mismanages money or has really bad credit, are you prepared to break up with him?
2sunny Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 About $50. Will get you ANY and ALL background info on him. You know his name right? You know a few things that may help...his approximate age, where he's lived in the past etc. Intellius would bring up matches based on the info you put in and then you search the one that looks like it matches him. It will give you everything. Yes, I think in this day and age - to know is better than not knowing. Fifty bucks for peace of mind. And if he's lied - he's out. I've booted guys on that alone - guys I really liked - mainly because when you lie about little things, you will lie about big things. One nice guy had a major criminal record! 197 felony counts of breaking and entering! I'm glad I never told him my full name and where I lived!!!
firehawk_1 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 wow. the amount of women that backstab or betray men in this thread just goes to show why there are so many unstable relationships and not being able to have a relationship because of this.... ... the fact that you wont support him through tough times is one thing but then also snooping behind his back is another. im sure you wouldnt like that happening to you, would you? its about trust and commitment. if you are already doing the snooping then clearly, you dont value the relationship and have trust issues already. 4
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Many counties have property tax searches, as well as probate searches online. Probate should show mortgages as well as any liens or judgements he has had. I think that it is a legitimate concern.
firehawk_1 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 not really when it concerns 2 people involved together. you should be open and honest, not snooping. im sure you wouldnt like it....how does it feel if you invade someones privacy be it for the right, or wrong reasons? 1
wwwjd Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I pay with cash MOST of the time. Usually have $300 in my wallet all the time. I just like the feel of trading something REAL over fake, plastic credits. Am financially stable, and just choose to keep using real money. So, TO ME, that is no sign of anything wrong. But I am a minority in that, I'm pretty certain. But if you don't know him well enough to KNOW he has a house like he says, have never been there, don't trust that he is telling you the truth? There are bigger problems here. And the "love" I'm familiar with does not have a credit rating. I wouldn't care if we were both dead broke if we were in love. We would make it work. Just sounds like you don't really know him well enough yet.
FitChick Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 In some states, once you allow someone to stay in your house long term, it's nearly impossible to throw them out. Happened to a friend who owned a condo near his office where he'd stay when he had to work late and didn't want to drive an hour to his house. He bumped into a woman he'd had a ONS with. She told him a sob story about her boyfriend throwing her out, nowhere to live, boo hoo. He said she could stay until she found a place. She never paid a dime, refused to leave, changed the locks, he changed them back, she broke a window to get in, changed the locks again, the neighbors complained about her and... guess what? The cops said he'd have to take her to court. He did and it took six months to get her out. In the case of the OP, having children added to the mix is even more worrying.
RedRobin Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) I agree with one of the other posters that you need to be upfront and just ask. I have sterling credit and own my own home. If I found out that someone I was dating was doing alot of background checks like you are suggesting without even asking me first, I'd dump them on principle. If you do stay together for the long haul, then you need to be able to talk about these things upfront. Not in a passive-aggressive, behind the scenes way. I find it somewhat cowardly, to be honest. Keep in mind, I've been known to reject offers for subsequent dates from men who Google me in advance. Mostly because I think they are trying to avoid the difficult work of building true intimacy... that you can't find from f-ing Google. I don't have anything to hide. I just don't want to be involved with paranoid people. That is what if feels like to me. One thing you could do... is offer to show him your credit report and see if he complies with his own... You could just ask him why he doesn't use credit cards too. Seems simple enough. Edited April 20, 2012 by RedRobin
M2155 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I agree this is important and if you are getting serious, it's a conversation you NEED to have. It doesn't really say much if he owns the house, it doesnt mean it's being paid and maintained. I would tell him that financial responsibility is very important to you and you want to see if you see eye-to-eye on money management. Ask if he if he thinks you are ready to have "the money talk" as if it's normal for you to do with someone you are serious about - that you want to know your partner understands your habits and priorities before getting too tangled up together (afterall it is the #1 reason for divorce right?). It may be easier for him to be honest if you are open about your situation as well. More people should address money incompatibility early on. Good for you if you have the talk.
dasein Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Agree on the asking to his face directly and double agree on the no more snooping. I somewhat understand the sex offender check, but the rest? If I ever got a whiff of that kind of violation of my privacy, up until we were talking marriage, I'd be gonegone with the wind.
Star Gazer Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 About $50. Will get you ANY and ALL background info on him. It will not provide a credit report or bank account balances, which is what the OP is really interested in. Further, I ran my own background check on myself via one of those online search engines, and it had me listed as married and still living in LA. I've never been married, and I left LA in 2006. It also said I only had a BA, not an MA and JD. Just sayin'.
carhill Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Any thoughts on how to get this information?Disclaimer: I'm not advocating, merely advising of potentials..... Probably a social engineering hack is your best bet. If he manages a club, I'm sure there will be plenty of information sources there. I don't have his social security number, so I can't really do a background check, although I at least know he's not a registered sex offender - I checked that right away because of my kids. That's OK. You covered the most important thing, protecting your children. The rest will come in time. He must have decent credit to be renting, right? Depends on the landlord. Some will overlook credit for more cash. I don't know how that works but I think it involves a credit check and a background check. Yeah, I register with the state and a site visit is performed to license me to keep credit records in a mandated secure fashion. I use a credit/background check service to perform the checks on potential tenants, who provide name, DOB, DL#, SS#, addresses and references on their applications. If you have his full name, you can easily search public records for divorces, marriages, property records, professional licenses, etc. I recall one time finding a divorce record for a LS'er that she didn't even know about, along with some other legal issues her exH had been involved in. It's all in knowing how and where to look and who to call and how to talk with them. Now, to the 'what I would do' part.... I would see if his actions match his words. Does he proactively plan 'couple' things for you to do and make those happen? Does he seem secretive about anything? How does he appear when you've visited him at work (as a club is a public social place) and observed him with clients and employees? What does your gut tell you? If this man is staying in your home with your children and you're having intimate relations, IMO it's time for more equal transparency. You've been very transparent, opening essentially your whole current life to him. Quid pro quo.
Yookie Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 He stays at your home a lot and you have kids? People Search | Background Check | Reverse Cell Phone Lookup - Intelius.com Pipl - People Search
Flummox Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 (edited) Why does this matter at this point? You're not getting married. Unless he has a second cell phone and doesn't even have a bank account, only cash, his financial status doesn't matter. And if you find a problem later, just get a prenup. Edited April 21, 2012 by Flummox
SJC2008 Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I hate debut cards due to learning the hard way when I was younger. I leave enough in my acct and pull the rest out in cash. Walah, no overdrafts. Sound like he's done more things than op has mentioned to garner wanting his social and going behind his back to verify his house. Or she has major trust issues.
truth_seeker Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 (edited) I've never seen him use a credit card. He pays for everything with cash. This is strange to me. A man who pays with cash all the time when he is with a woman is usually a cheater. He pays with cash to not leave a trail so the other woman will not find out. He rents but has a house in another city that is being renovated? Are you sure he doesn't have a wife and kids at this house in another city? He seems suspect. I would start your search by checking out public records available at your town or city hall. Edited April 21, 2012 by truth_seeker
carhill Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 A good potential would begin at the county recorder and tax assessor in the county where the 'other city' of residence is located, presuming USA. I haven't done informational searches in other countries so can't comment on that aspect. As an example, I found someone's location with their name through recorded property transactions, cross-referenced to tax assessor records through the APN, whereupon the assessor records referenced plat maps which resolved to a street address. A simple perusal of satellite and street photos confirmed the information. With my last tenant, I located his mother and stopped by to 'interview' her, as I found his vehicles to still be registered at her house. He and his now wife have been great tenants. Background checks are helpful, but perhaps a bit overboard for a boyfriend/girlfriend thing at this stage. It seems like building and preserving trust would be more on the front burner. I'm divorced and a bit cynical
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