Lexa Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I'm in my last semester of college and have been seeing this guy for about a month. I liked him first semester freshman year at a different college, we just happened to both transfer to the same one. The same thing happened then that's happening now, he was flaky so I got hurt and pulled away. He asked to be exclusive, but hasn't really made me a priority, whereas I feel emotionally entrenched and have accommodated my life for him. I know that sounds bad, but when I really like someone I start to lose my identity without meaning to. I've already invested a lot. I'm moving after this semester so I don't want a relationship, I just wanted a little more effort, but I kept holding it in until one night I sent a text along the lines of "If you want to be exclusive, why am I alone tonight" and he basically said forget about being exclusive. Then I said I'm pretty much all or nothing.. he said he's not interested in a relationship that's going to become long-distance, I said me neither; he responded "then why are you giving me an ultimatum?" I said "I'm not, you're right it's only a few weeks." This was last Tuesday night, now it's Friday. I saw him the following morning and we said hi but didn't talk, no contact since then. Reading this sounds so immature and petty, but at the same time what good would it do me to minimize or deny how I feel? The way things were going were fine, I don't know why I'm so upset right now... should I just call him and say we're on the same page? We hung out enough, it just seemed like more of a convenience to him, whereas I actually have real feelings. Should I just let go now so my end-of-college isn't full of stress? How can I just live in the moment, enjoy whatever it is we have and not worry about it? That's really what I want more than anything. When we're together, it's good. We want the same thing, we enjoy each other's company for the time being. Did I maybe freak him out making it sound like I wanted more? But if he cares in the least bit, won't he contact me first? What do you think? I'm just afraid if I'm chasing him down trying to downplay texts from over a week ago, it will just make me look possibly worse.
NateC Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I'm in my last semester of college and have been seeing this guy for about a month. I liked him first semester freshman year at a different college, we just happened to both transfer to the same one. The same thing happened then that's happening now, he was flaky so I got hurt and pulled away. He asked to be exclusive, but hasn't really made me a priority, whereas I feel emotionally entrenched and have accommodated my life for him. I know that sounds bad, but when I really like someone I start to lose my identity without meaning to. I've already invested a lot. I'm moving after this semester so I don't want a relationship, I just wanted a little more effort, but I kept holding it in until one night I sent a text along the lines of "If you want to be exclusive, why am I alone tonight" and he basically said forget about being exclusive. Then I said I'm pretty much all or nothing.. he said he's not interested in a relationship that's going to become long-distance, I said me neither; he responded "then why are you giving me an ultimatum?" I said "I'm not, you're right it's only a few weeks." This was last Tuesday night, now it's Friday. I saw him the following morning and we said hi but didn't talk, no contact since then. Reading this sounds so immature and petty, but at the same time what good would it do me to minimize or deny how I feel? The way things were going were fine, I don't know why I'm so upset right now... should I just call him and say we're on the same page? We hung out enough, it just seemed like more of a convenience to him, whereas I actually have real feelings. Should I just let go now so my end-of-college isn't full of stress? How can I just live in the moment, enjoy whatever it is we have and not worry about it? That's really what I want more than anything. When we're together, it's good. We want the same thing, we enjoy each other's company for the time being. Did I maybe freak him out making it sound like I wanted more? But if he cares in the least bit, won't he contact me first? What do you think? I'm just afraid if I'm chasing him down trying to downplay texts from over a week ago, it will just make me look possibly worse. If you're looking for a long-term relationship and he's not willing to put forward *something* to keep it alive (as in, dealing with distance), then I really don't see the relationship going very far. From the sounds of you've invested a lot and changed a lot of your life for him, but he doesn't want to do the same and is acting defensive over it. It hurts, but better to find out now...
Author Lexa Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Thanks for your response. I'm not looking for an LTR right now, I'm graduating and moving; he's staying here. We made all these plans for fun stuff to do, I want to introduce him to people I've met here, etc. - it's hard for me to take the carpe diem attitude I wanted to take with this though! Emotions getting in the way. I should just pick up the damn phone and think of something fun to do, but I'm scared now.
Cypress25 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Let him go now. No matter how much you claim you don't want a relationship with him, you're too emotionally invested in him for anything else. You tried the casual thing and it left you with hurt feelings. There's no sense going back to that if it makes you unhappy. So many women try to convince themselves that they can enjoy a casual relationship without developing feelings for the guy, but it rarely works out in their favor. You already know that you like him more than he likes you. He's emotionally detached and you're not. Pursuing him will only make you feel worse. You're leaving soon anyway, better to start moving on now instead of continuing to invest in a guy who's got a "take it or leave it" attitude about you. 3
InJest Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 You can't handle a **** buddy situation so you should just let this go. He doesn't have feelings for you even as a friend, or he wouldn't have dropped you so easily. 1
kaylan Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 There will be no "living in the moment." You already like him, so its too late for that. Youd never be able to handle it properly. Best you can do now is pull away and move on. Why compromise on what you truly want? You will end up only hurting yourself because its obvious this dude wont really commit to you. Do sell yourself short hun. 1
Author Lexa Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 ouch. I didn't expect such cut and dry answers, I mean things were going pretty good..
xpaperxcutx Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 ouch. I didn't expect such cut and dry answers, I mean things were going pretty good.. Things were going good for him not you. You're emotionally invested but your needs are not being met. You're only hurting yourself by going along with this. 1
Author Lexa Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 oops, I said over a week ago in my original post but it had only been a few days. It'll be one week by tomorrow though and still no contact; perhaps you guys were right! lol oh well, I'm the one graduating and moving to a big city his loss
Author Lexa Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 clearly I said that to make myself feel better.. >_< I dislike this about myself, I wish I weren't like this so badly, even the fact that I post about stuff like this bothers me. How can I be more comfortable with my emotions? It almost seems like the more briefly someone is in my life, the more profoundly they affect me - is this unusual? Unhealthy? I don't understand it.
Cypress25 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 It almost seems like the more briefly someone is in my life, the more profoundly they affect me - is this unusual? Unhealthy? I don't understand it. It's because you never got any closure. When someone abruptly does a disappearing act, it leaves you wondering. That feeling can linger for quite a while, especially if you're a ruminator (as many women are).
Author Lexa Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 ah.. yea I let that happen though. figure it's better to make my own closure
TheFinalWord Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 It almost seems like the more briefly someone is in my life, the more profoundly they affect me - is this unusual? Unhealthy? I don't understand it. Yeah, I'm the same way. It's because they basically rejected you and you don't understand why. "What is it about me that this person does not want? They are not even interested in getting to know me?" It is more of that need to understand that creates the stressful feelings. It would be better to get into a fight and then think to yourself, "what a jerk! Glad that's over!" Also, when someone is just in your life a little, it is easy to create a fantasy about them...really you don't know them that well. If you did you probably would be able to create a list of cons pretty easy. When someone is just briefly in your life you are only seeing their best. You don't know the negatives about them yet (we all have them). Plus with disappearing acts you don't get finality. All you basically know is they weren't interested to get to know you enough to really make a decision about you.
Author Lexa Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Yea, not knowing what's going through their head. Still, I'd kind of rather not know lol. I think you're right, it really is all about the fantasy. I definitely see the flaws in the person and know they would annoy me after a few months in a real relationship wow that sounds immature. I'm just going to stop having casual relationships
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