Closure

[aliii]

Hi this is my first post here, I´ve been reading some of the other posts and everyone seems so nice so thought I would ask and maybe get some advice/help/opinion. Thank you in advance.

 

Me and my ex BU three months ago the relationship became pretty bad during the last four months of it were off and on again, not really fixing problems from his part and I was loosing patience so the arguments became often, imature and stupid.

Over a month ago he called me saying he wanted to fix things I was still upset and mad at him for not trying when I gave him the chances and I was trying at the same time, so I said no. He called me three times and I always said no. ( i was mad)

 

two weeks ago found out he is seeing someone else and it hurt a little bit but knew it was normal, what really set me on fire was that he started seeing this person BEFORE we totally BU when everything in our relationship was just bad towards the final months. I went crazy texted him that I have found out and called him horrible names.

 

So, now my emotions and feelings are like a roller-coaster and is driving me crazy. With all these new knowleged of his actions I know I still care and love him in a way but I also am sure I wouldn´t consider a relationship with him again since the trust has been broken.

 

Since my well being is not well I started to think that I needed to let him go and just forget about him, but I also feel the need to see him and speak the words of a goodbye, I feel that if I do this it will be easy for me so I can forgive him and myself.

I called him yesterday asked him if we could talk (I didn´t tell him about what) he said yes and that he would give me a call next week so we can meet up.

 

I´m not sure if he is going to call or not if he does well I will try to get together if he doesn't want to see me than I just try to tell him everything over the phone. If he doesn´t call than I just leave it at that and try to close this circle so I can recover from all this. But I´m really hoping he does.

 

Do you usually have closure with your partenrs?

[budley12]

SOrry to hear about this =( I just recently went through my first true BU and it sucks. I, and many others will most likely suggest staying NC. It allows you to truly heal and your ex to heal. IF there were any negative emotions, all of those vibes have to be gone if you ever reconnect.

 

As for closure... getting closure is somewhat hard. What I mean by that is, you may always have a new question, or may not like the answer they give. You will always want one more "why this, why that, do you think we will get back, etc." Eventually you have to create your own closure and just realize to let it be, and if its meant to work out it will. But as for meeting up -I would do it, however be very cautious and do not get your hopes up. One meet up may turn into two, or three... and then BAM -your ex thinks you can still be friends while they are going off with their new relationship. It happened to me but I had to put an end to it because it was too painful.

[Reddice]

You can only give yourself closure. The last time I spoke to my ex she told me a lot of things, but none of these thing were the truth. You see... I'm like Sherlock Holmes. Once I start digging, I find all sorts of things. I started digging right after the break up, so I already knew the full truth before even speaking to her. I knew she was already seeing somebody else, I knew she was living with him, I knew she gave up our relationship for him. I just didn't bother telling her I knew she was lying. I still had a lot of questions after our conversation though, but I realized she would never answer them truthfully. That was my moment to move on. I then realized that only I can give myself closure.

[aliii]

Thank you guys for you responses and advice they are very much appreciate it.

To be honest I don´t want to ask him anything, I know what I know thats enogh for me to know its over and we are never going to get back together.

 

I just honestly want to say goodbye to him let him what it meant to me and that I hope this talk can help me to be at peace. I don´t know why I feel the need to do this and I feel that it will help me.

[darkmoon]

i can't help thinking that you are like me and keeping in touch to make closure is sure to expose you to hurt leave him be you will see someone else you fancy sooner or later, a new love interest...email ex if you must but you sound quite young someone kinder will come your way young is v v v attractive

Edited April 20, 2012 by darkmoon

[geegirl]

I just honestly want to say goodbye to him let him what it meant to me and that I hope this talk can help me to be at peace. I don´t know why I feel the need to do this and I feel that it will help me.

 

What should help you find peace and closure is that he is now with someone else and that he was seeing this someone else when you two were still together. That's your closure.

 

You need to do this "goodbye" thing because deep down inside you are clinging. Deep down inside you need validation that he cares. You want to see it. You hope that maybe if he sees you face to face something might change. Even if you say you never want to get back with him.

 

He betrayed you and broke your trust but you feel that meeting this man will bring you peace? Staying away from him, accepting his behavior and the outcome is what will bring you peace. Saying goodbye won't harbor forgiveness. Forgiveness comes in time, as you are healing, when you begin to have a better hold and understanding of your emotions.

[aliii]

Yeah geegirl, my friend says the same thing as you do.

To be honest I also feel guilty for all the horrible things I told him when I found out about the other person but everyone tells me I shouldn´t be worry he didn´t care when he got intouch with her.

.....

 

Oh well, I´ve been giving it more and more thought to this, the last couple of weeks have harsh really harsh on me....now I´m thinking and contempling the idea that if he doesn´t call or if I don´t get this closure am asking for I should be ok and work on myself on getting better I´ve already manage to calling him in a peaceful and racional way if I don´t get to talk to him again I feel I´ll be ok with that.

I really just want to be my own self back again.

[geegirl]

Yeah geegirl, my friend says the same thing as you do.

To be honest I also feel guilty for all the horrible things I told him when I found out about the other person but everyone tells me I shouldn´t be worry he didn´t care when he got intouch with her.

.....

 

Oh well, I´ve been giving it more and more thought to this, the last couple of weeks have harsh really harsh on me....now I´m thinking and contempling the idea that if he doesn´t call or if I don´t get this closure am asking for I should be ok and work on myself on getting better I´ve already manage to calling him in a peaceful and racional way if I don´t get to talk to him again I feel I´ll be ok with that.

I really just want to be my own self back again.

 

Please don't feel guilty. You reacted out of anger and rightfully so knowing he betrayed you. And he most likely understands that you said it out of anger and hurt because if he felt differently he would have completely ignored you. He is also handling his own guilt on his end. I know you care about his feelings but he certainly didn't care about yours when he broke your trust. I'm not saying tit for tat, but actions have repercussions.

 

I hope you get what you need. I wonder if he will follow through. He may not meet with you because he's too afraid to face you or to ashamed because he's guilty. In any case, you seem to have a good grasp as to what you need to do to move and what you want for yourself.

 

Find comfort and solace in your friends and family and post if you need to vent or if you need advice. There are many posters here who will come to your aid when you need it.

[aliii]

I just hate it when I have good days and then one day is really bad...today is a good day that´s why I feel like I´ll be ok if I don´t get to talk to him again, but the last two days were awful that´s why I came to the conclusion that I needed this ´closure´and ended up calling him.

 

Well he said yes without hesitating he even explain why we couldnt meet during this weekend but until the following week and I didn´t even ask him anything. So he still has a few days to give it some thought and I do too.

 

We´ll see, what ever happens I just want it to be for the best and find myself where I want to be emotionally.

[geegirl]

I just hate it when I have good days and then one day is really bad...today is a good day that´s why I feel like I´ll be ok if I don´t get to talk to him again, but the last two days were awful that´s why I came to the conclusion that I needed this ´closure´and ended up calling him.

 

Well he said yes without hesitating he even explain why we couldnt meet during this weekend but until the following week and I didn´t even ask him anything. So he still has a few days to give it some thought and I do too.

 

We´ll see, what ever happens I just want it to be for the best and find myself where I want to be emotionally.

 

 

Your emotions will come in waves. Some days you will feel great and some days you will feel bad. It's completely normal. When those bad days come, you have to stop yourself from reacting because reacting when you are emotional and struggling will only backfire on you. Then after a few days when you feel better you'll knock yourself for giving into your emotions. Best to always let the bad emotions pass, because they WILL pass.

 

Strive for what you want for yourself. If he doesn't come through then you know you tried and all you can do is move forward.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Hi this is my first post here, I´ve been reading some of the other posts and everyone seems so nice so thought I would ask and maybe get some advice/help/opinion. Thank you in advance.

 

Me and my ex BU three months ago the relationship became pretty bad during the last four months of it were off and on again, not really fixing problems from his part and I was loosing patience so the arguments became often, imature and stupid.

Over a month ago he called me saying he wanted to fix things I was still upset and mad at him for not trying when I gave him the chances and I was trying at the same time, so I said no. He called me three times and I always said no. ( i was mad)

 

two weeks ago found out he is seeing someone else and it hurt a little bit but knew it was normal, what really set me on fire was that he started seeing this person BEFORE we totally BU when everything in our relationship was just bad towards the final months. I went crazy texted him that I have found out and called him horrible names.

 

So, now my emotions and feelings are like a roller-coaster and is driving me crazy. With all these new knowleged of his actions I know I still care and love him in a way but I also am sure I wouldn´t consider a relationship with him again since the trust has been broken.

 

Since my well being is not well I started to think that I needed to let him go and just forget about him, but I also feel the need to see him and speak the words of a goodbye, I feel that if I do this it will be easy for me so I can forgive him and myself.

I called him yesterday asked him if we could talk (I didn´t tell him about what) he said yes and that he would give me a call next week so we can meet up.

 

I´m not sure if he is going to call or not if he does well I will try to get together if he doesn't want to see me than I just try to tell him everything over the phone. If he doesn´t call than I just leave it at that and try to close this circle so I can recover from all this. But I´m really hoping he does.

 

Do you usually have closure with your partenrs?

 

Closure comes from within.If you must say goodbye, just do it in a text and move on. No need to see him being that you already know where he stands. It's just a waste of time. Right now he holds all the cards because you are waiting for him to call you...Call you next week? Seriously? That's the brush-off right there.

[aliii]

Closure comes from within.If you must say goodbye, just do it in a text and move on. No need to see him being that you already know where he stands. It's just a waste of time. Right now he holds all the cards because you are waiting for him to call you...Call you next week? Seriously? That's the brush-off right there.

 

 

Well I wasn´t expecting him to change all his work schedule to meet up with me, he works full time mostly during weekends and always has.

 

Your comment makes sense so much that when I first read it made feel so stupid and dumb for doing that, but now that I think about it, I´m been honest on my reasons of why I want to see him I´m not playing games and see who holds all the cards (IF it even happens) I just want to really look at him and speak those goodbye words, take all that energy and power I´ve been putting on him and his shadow back and feel relieved once and for all. He doesn´t even has to speak really.

But like I said if that doesn´t happens I´have already reached out and that eventually will be enough.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Well I wasn´t expecting him to change all his work schedule to meet up with me, he works full time mostly during weekends and always has.

 

Your comment makes sense so much that when I first read it made feel so stupid and dumb for doing that, but now that I think about it, I´m been honest on my reasons of why I want to see him I´m not playing games and see who holds all the cards (IF it even happens) I just want to really look at him and speak those goodbye words, take all that energy and power I´ve been putting on him and his shadow back and feel relieved once and for all. He doesn´t even has to speak really.

But like I said if that doesn´t happens I´have already reached out and that eventually will be enough.

You are better off walking. If you see him, emotions will well up inside you and it may be difficult for you---especially having to see him walk away that last time. Don't do this to yourself.

[sweetheart5381]

Well I wasn´t expecting him to change all his work schedule to meet up with me, he works full time mostly during weekends and always has.

 

Your comment makes sense so much that when I first read it made feel so stupid and dumb for doing that, but now that I think about it, I´m been honest on my reasons of why I want to see him I´m not playing games and see who holds all the cards (IF it even happens) I just want to really look at him and speak those goodbye words, take all that energy and power I´ve been putting on him and his shadow back and feel relieved once and for all. He doesn´t even has to speak really.

But like I said if that doesn´t happens I´have already reached out and that eventually will be enough.

 

Yes, you called one another, laid down your cards, game over. Time for him to show his. After all, the game is over.

 

Unfortunately, they don't always want to. Whether it's guilt, whether they want to maintain some sort of power that says, "they don't have to now" (aka guilt), they quite often won't allow for closure.

 

You don't need it.

 

I have spent the last few weeks being "friends" with my ex to try to gain this closure/acknowledgement of both of our feelings over the b/u. To me, we can't be friends without understanding how we each feel. He swears he wants to be friends but will not aknowledge my feelings. He says, "get over it". Point taken. He will never feel my feelings, he will never understand.

 

I'm ok with that now

 

I see him everyday, and today, I accepted the fact that I will never get closure as I would like it - as two people communicating and accepting the past for what it is and validating each other's feelings. It will never happen.

 

Closure will come, and they won't give it to you. You will.

[aliii]

Closure will come, and they won't give it to you. You will.

 

I know this and I know one day I´ll be just fine, I´ve been in this position before recovering from other BUs its just that finding out this new information 2 weeks ago got me into this place and in a very f***ed up way made me realized I still love him cause it hurt...the relationship meant something to me even if it was bad and full of problems at the end...that´s why in a way I "feel" like I want him to know this.

 

But you know what I´m feeling better and stronger today. Today I feel like if we don´t get to talk I´ll be fine. He always knew my feelings towards him were honest meaningful even in the end, even when I called him all those horrible names.

Thank you.