Coping Log

[shorty7]

Hi Scorpio. Hang in there.

How about writing those thoughts / letters out to her in a notebook? Write it as you would if you were sending them out, just keep it elsewhere and not really send it out.

 

I find that sometimes it helps me find some clarity on issues with my relationship.

[Mr Scorpio]

I am failing to see the point in any of this!

 

Here it is, a nice, sunny Saturday. And me? I'm inside studying for hours on end to get a degree that is going to put me in massive debt without a job to show for it! There are no jobs! There are no jobs! I am literally going to be in debt for the rest of my life. Forget vacations. Forget music festivals. Forget my own house. Forget having a family.

 

I had such a grand opportunity. I could have bought tons of rental property. I could have started a business. I could have planned ahead and chosen a career when I was in my teens or early twenties. But no, depression wouldn't allow that sort of long term thinking.

 

The happiest part of my day is when I go to bed, and that is probably not a good sign of my mental-health. Worse yet, except for when I was with my ex, that has pretty much always been the case. Anti-anxiety meds aren't working, as evidenced by my first case of acne in over ten years. Anti-depression meds aren't working.

 

I know millions of people would probably gladly change places with me, but that doesn't bring much solace. I am tired of this existence. I am ready for this to be over with.

[Mr Scorpio]

Here we are. It is officially the second half of the year. My latest bout of depression has been going for about three months now. I've been in therapy for about ten weeks, and am on my third different medication. I am starting to lose hope that I am going to be able to get over it this time. I won't do anything "drastic" as it would absolutely wreck my father. My concern is that not getting over this is going to absolutely wreck my future.

 

I've gone back to waking up at random times and not being able to fall back asleep. Last night I fell asleep at 3am and woke up at 6am. I knew from the moment I woke up that I wouldn't fall back asleep anytime soon. So I took an anti-anxiety pill and skipped a class so I could catch a few more hours of sleep before I face the rest of my day.

 

That day is going to consist of going to class, which will count as my social interaction for the day, and then having dinner with my father and watching TV for five hours before I head home to my favorite part, the part where I get to go to sleep and forget all of this for a few hours.

 

It is scary, feeling this way. Maybe it's time I switch therapists. Maybe the new meds will help. I wish I was a "believer", then I maybe I could think that there was a reason for all of this. That is was leading to somewhere better. I believe it is leading to somewhere much worse.

[CopingGal]

Two things: deep breathing and Chi-gong. Research them. I hope you feel better soon.

[Mr Scorpio]

Thus far, today has managed to be worse than yesterday. Last night, I told my father I hadn't been sleeping much. He replied, "because of school?". I just sat there silent for fifteen seconds while my eyes started watering up.

 

Then I slowly began explaining that it is a combination of things. Stress from school, loneliness, stress from worrying about him, stress about the future, just everything.

 

We sat and talked for the next hour or so about life in general. Talking about it with him made me feel a little bit better. Talking with people on various chatrooms when I got home made me feel a little bit better. I helped some other people cope with their issues and passed out shortly after 2am.

 

And then when I woke up, I realized instantly that I hadn't been asleep that long (I had some positive thinking type audio playing in the background that was only set to last for four hours). It was 6am. Another day of only four hours of sleep?

 

So I laid in bed and tossed and turned forward and backward for the next six hours. I didn't get out of bed until just before I wrote this. I texted a friend and let him know some of the stuff that has been bothering me, and chatted with a few people in coping rooms.

 

Exams are in six weeks and I have a massive paper due in a month. I can't focus! I keep thinking about the past and the future. One of which I regret. One of which terrifies me. I miss my ex more than ever. She is the strongest person I know. But the last two times I've written her, she ignored me. I can only assume that is because she is married now and knows from the tone of the messages I sent that replying would do more harm than good.

 

I don't ask much! Is financial security and a partner much? It seems so far beyond my reach. I just want to crawl into a hole and die without being responsible for it. But I'd never do anything drastic to myself, as that would be doing something drastic to the people that care about me, of which there are many.

[CopingGal]

Sleeping for 4 hours is not as bad as sleeping for 2 or even about 30 minutes. Both of many times which has happened to me in the past. You are very lucky. You have a father that is caring and is willing to talk with you so that you can feel better. You are a lucky man.

[StarlaStardust]

Can you please start all new posts in this thread as:

"Coping Log, Star date __________"

Thanks <3

[Mr Scorpio]

Switching meds has proven to be a low point. I texted a friend yesterday and asked him if he had ever known after only a few days that a given med was just not working. He replied that his switch to paxil was particularly rough and that for the first couple of days he'd felt like he had the flu.

 

And wouldn't you know it? I started on Paxil last Thursday. The insomnia coming back is terrible. The lack of appetite coming back is terrible. I don't know whether I should stay the course with this, stop taking it and going back to my old med, stop taking the meds altogether. I don't know what to do.

[CopingGal]

I know someone on Paxil...nasty side effects in the beginning, but much better after a few weeks.

 

Have you tried Lexapro?

[Mr Scorpio]

I know someone on Paxil...nasty side effects in the beginning, but much better after a few weeks.

 

Have you tried Lexapro?

 

As it turned out, I mistakenly assumed (because I wasn't told otherwise) that the paxil was supposed to be a replacement for the Klonopin that I was already taking when actually I'm supposed to start taking both. Thus, the terrible "side-effects" I thought I was feeling may have just been withdrawl from going off the first med for five days.

 

Nonetheless, I'm still constantly tired yet unable to nap, and a little bit jittery. Lack of proper diet is certainly not helping. I just need to get through the next six weeks until the end of my school term, and then I'll have three weeks to scream and cry and pound my fists on things. Hopefully by then my dual meds will at least bring my physical symptoms down.

 

As for Lexapro, I know I've tried it in the past. I've gone on meds four or so times before my most recent bout of depression. I guess the mistake I always made was going off of them when I started to feel marginally better.

[CopingGal]

Yeah. Depression meds works best when they build up in your system over time.

[CopingGal]

Also, what type of depression do you have? Lexapro is good for dysthymia - ongoing blusiness lasting years.

 

For major depression disorder bouts of really, really deep depression, then coming back up, then at another time, bouts of really, really deep depression, Wellbutrin may be the way to go. You should discuss with your doctor.

[Mr Scorpio]

Well, lack of sleep certainly isn't the problem now. It's oversleep and keeping myself out of bed. I need to find a way to convince myself that my future can turn out to be a good one. When I felt good about my future prospects, I felt good about me, and good about life. Once I lost that viewpoint, my house of cards crumbled.

 

I think I've made some progress in being able to let go of my past mistakes. It's just fear of the future that dominates now. There are so many obstacles in my way. I need a positive mindset. Medication and therapy haven't gotten me there. I don't know what will. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I do believe that twenty-or-thirty years down the road, I will be. Such wasted time.

[CopingGal]

I think what might help is just taking the journey. You are afraid of the unknown. You think it's going to be all bad. You won't know until you get there. I'm afraid of the future too, which it comes to my elderly mom and my sick sibling. I get scared. You know what they say, prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.

[Mr Scorpio]

Thanks for your repeated input, CG.

 

The biggest problem for me is a 20 year old habit. And that is lying in bed unless I absolutely, positively have to be somewhere in the morning/early-afternoon. I did it when I was 10, I did it when I was 20, and I do it now when I'm 32. Over the course of my life I have been slowly digging myself into a hole that I fear will lead to nothingness. I just don't know how to get out.

[CopingGal]

You are welcome. Well, you know when people are depressed they may sleep too much or sleep too little. Maybe before you go to bed at night, you should try to think of one reason to get out of bed and write it down. Keep it next to your bed and look at it when you wake up.

 

I'm wondering if you have major depression disorder, as opposed to what I do, dysthymia. Have you ever been officially diagnosed specifically...something more specific than just depression?

 

I have a list I keep. I think of one thing that I am thankful for and write it down no mater how little it is. Sometimes I forget to do it every day. The last thing on the entered was on the 9th. I was thankful for Chi.

 

I'm going to add to this list now and write that I'm thankful for the people on this site.

 

I know you said you couldn't do volunteer work because you have to fix yourself first. But I think that might be the problem. Maybe you are just focusing too much on yourself. When you go out into the world either literally or via internet and you meet kids affected by HIV, people with no legs, animals who have suffered tremendously, orphans, domestic violence victims, mothers whose kids where killed by drunk drivers, men who were beaten up by women and are living in shame, etc. it might help you bring your own difficulties into perspective. I'm not saying your problems are not important. They are. I'm just saying maybe you need some perspective.

[Mr Scorpio]

 

I'm wondering if you have major depression disorder, as opposed to what I do, dysthymia. Have you ever been officially diagnosed specifically...something more specific than just depression?

 

I've had bloodwork done to check for physiological reasons for my depression, but the results came back negative. For now, my doctor, therapist and I are operating under the assumption that it is "just" depression. It may very well be dysthymia, as I felt "fine" up until late March. I have several external factors that don't make whatever psychological issues I have any easier to deal with.

 

I'm not saying your problems are not important. They are. I'm just saying maybe you need some perspective.

 

I agree that perspective is important. I've already lived a longer and "better" life than millions of people on the planet. The reason that I don't volunteer is due to lack of time (i.e. -- lawschool). Oddly enough, my school is surrounded by shelters for the homeless. So, everyday that I go to school I see literally hundreds of people milling about, sitting up against abandoned buildings with nothing to do and nowhere to go, waiting for their next meal.

 

Seeing that makes me feel guilty for being depressed about the situation that I am in. If I were in their situation, with seemingly no one to rely upon, I believe I'd end my life fairly quickly.

 

My problems are 1) I compare my present situation against what it could have been and 2) I am utterly convinced that I will never have a career or a successful relationship. Those anchors make getting out of bed difficult, even when I know that to obtain the things I listed above I need to be working for them. They won't just happen. It's all such a paradox.

 

As always, thank you for your replies.

[Mr Scorpio]

So, during my last session with my therapist, I described to him my life-long pattern of lying in bed to escape reality and not have to face the world. When I say life-long, I mean going back to about age 10. He had two responses: 1) he noted that I could have written the book of nihilism and 2) he asked me -- while strongly noting that he wasn't recommending it -- why I didn't simply kill myself.

 

My response was two-fold: 1) because you never know what can happen in life, and there could be a happier times ahead waiting for me, and 2) because of the pain that it would bring to my father. We briefly discussed the pain suicide brings to others and then moved on to other topics.

 

Since then, my coping has gone down-hill. Two Saturdays ago I got out of bed at 5pm. This past Saturday at 8pm. I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. The world around me just keeps getting worse and worse (friends moving away/losing their houses/family losing jobs). I know what I'm supposed to be doing yet I don't bring myself to do it.

 

In other words, I think the only response that counts from above is number two.

[Mr Scorpio]

Coping? What's that? For me as of late it has meant not getting up until I absolutely need to. So, on Saturdays, I wake up up around noon, but I don't get up until around three or four. The past few days have been the same. Yesterday I woke up at noon, and got up a little bit after one so I could make it to therapy by two. The therapist has suggested I consult with a psychiatrist, because it seems we're running out of options. I don't think he really knows what to do with me.

 

After therapy, I went straight to work, which was alright. Afterward, I went to Subway and bought breakfast (given that I hadn't eaten anything yet up to that point), came home and ate, then went to bed at 9pm and just laid there with the Olympics on in the background.

 

After about two hours I realized I wasn't going to fall asleep, so I got up and visited the chatroom for a little bit before finally starting to study for finals. I imagine a normal, healthy person would have gotten up around 7am and studied for seven hours or so before having to be to work at 3pm.

 

So, I studied for two hours, then went and got some fast food around 2:30am. Came back home, ate, studied for a half-hour, and then watched some movies on Netflix until I fell asleep around 6:30am.

 

Woke up at noon, got up at two out of embarassment when one of my friends, who hangs out (watches TV) at the house where I live showed up. Took a shower, and ran out the door straight to work.

 

I've wasted so much of my life with days like this. I continue to waste so much time and money with days like this. If only I had taken a different internship, I'd have a career with purpose that forces me out of bed in the morning. That gives me the financial resources, and maybe even the confidence, to go out and be social and find a new relationship.

 

Finals are less than two weeks away, and I'm going to bed at 6am? I really, really hate myself right now. And since I'm 33, and I've been doing this for years, I can only assume that this is who I am, and it isn't going to change.

 

Rant over.

[Mr Scorpio]

Every night I tell myself "tomorrow will be different. When the alarm goes off, you'll get out of bed, drink your energy drink, and stay awake. Even if you dont get a lot done that day you'll stay out of bed. Go for a walk, go to the grocery store and buy some healthy food. Do the things that you were doing automatically six-months ago!"

 

Then comes the alarm. Maybe a snooze, but usually just "off". Why do I just lay there? Why am I digging myself into a hole? People tell me I'm smart, that I'm funny. People who know me generally seem to like me. But I hate me because of what I do to myself. So why do I keep doing it? I know I have a chance to make things different. Maybe I don't actually want them to be different? Maybe I'm just too used to what I've been doing?

 

I have another appointment with the therapist tomorrow. Hopefully he has a specific psychiatrist in mind. If not, I do. I just wish I could be "normal", or at least not depressed.

[Mr Scorpio]

I am not coping with a breakup. I have been single for over three-years. As bad as that it, it is compounded by the fact that almost my entire world is alone. My immediate family consists of seven individuals. Of them, only two of them (my grandparents) are married. The rest are either divorced, widowed, or hopelessly single.

 

I have read threads where people complain about receiving grief from family members about being single. Or, threads where people experience sadness during the holidays because they are single amongst an ocean of couples. I assure you, there is another side to that coin. My holidays consist of an awkward couple of trying to find something to talk about while waiting for dinner, eating, and then people going their seperate ways. No games, no group photos, no stories, no laughing. In other words, no memories.

 

Perhaps this shouldn't effect my mental-state. It doesn't change whether or not I am single or I am lonely. However, it makes my world feel much smaller. Once my grandparents are gone, my family will consist of five-single individuals. The inevitable then becomes watching as the entire family dissolves over time. Whereas some of my friends have massive family reunions on the order of 40-50 people, I shall watch the entire line fall apart. Damn you world.

[Fufu]

I am not coping with a breakup. I have been single for over three-years. As bad as that it, it is compounded by the fact that almost my entire world is alone. My immediate family consists of seven individuals. Of them, only two of them (my grandparents) are married. The rest are either divorced, widowed, or hopelessly single.

 

I have read threads where people complain about receiving grief from family members about being single. Or, threads where people experience sadness during the holidays because they are single amongst an ocean of couples. I assure you, there is another side to that coin. My holidays consist of an awkward couple of trying to find something to talk about while waiting for dinner, eating, and then people going their seperate ways. No games, no group photos, no stories, no laughing. In other words, no memories.

 

Perhaps this shouldn't effect my mental-state. It doesn't change whether or not I am single or I am lonely. However, it makes my world feel much smaller. Once my grandparents are gone, my family will consist of five-single individuals. The inevitable then becomes watching as the entire family dissolves over time. Whereas some of my friends have massive family reunions on the order of 40-50 people, I shall watch the entire line fall apart. Damn you world.

 

 

Are you predicting your own future because of what had happened to your family?

[Mr Scorpio]

Are you predicting your own future because of what had happened to your family?

 

Not necessarily. To the extent that I am predicting my future, it is based on what my expectations have always been.

[Mr Scorpio]

Tonight is not a good night. I have grown weary of the struggle. For the last three years I've spent every weekend sitting in a windowless classroom listening to endless lectures. I've sacrificed days in the sun and nights out on the town. Now, as I approach the finish line, I'm wondering what is going to become of it all.

 

Somewhere out there, in a parallel universe, there is a version of me that did everything correctly. I envy that man. I could have had so much. Perhaps it simply wasn't meant to be. What I have right now is approximately $72,000 in debt and no job prospects. All the while people constantly ask "got your new car picked out yet?". Please. I'd be happy to make $2,000 a month. At least then I could afford to go out on a weekend, maybe consider the possibility that I might have a chance at a nice date.

 

But no. Instead, I have only the soft glow of my computer and television to keep me happy, and I should be grateful for that. There are millions of people in the world who would gladly change places with me. Yet, knowing that makes me feel worse for feeling bad. In the end, I have no one to blame but myself. In the back of my mind, I've always suspected things would end up like this. I'm prepared to deal with the consequences. I am slowly gaining the ability to set aside "what if".

 

Sleep will be the best part about tonight.

[JoelBarish]

I'm not sure you are looking for a response here. It seems you are just venting. I do know the feelings you describe though. The feeling that life is passing by and I'm missing out. I just wonder if the things I feel I'm missing out on are what I would truly want. Am I missing out because I'm not a party guy who is into the bar scene? I don't know if I would enjoy that lifestyle because that's never really been who I am. I suppose it comes down to taking the time to enjoy what we have instead of wanting so much. It's like the new car you spoke of. A person may want a new car but what happens when they get it? Are they satisfied? No. They start wanting whatever is next on the list of wanting. Wanting can consume you to the point that nothing ever satisfies you. I think the solution is to focus on the having part of the equation because wanting is insatiable.