Coping Log

[Mr Scorpio]

Today is just like any other day. I woke up earlier than I wanted to. Since my second job is flexible and not very important, I can come and go as I please. So I look at the clock and tell myself, "I'll get up at 9:29, that is a nice 'palindromic' number". I know I need to go because, even at $8.50 an hour, it is something. Something to help hold off the crushing onslaught of debt that I'm wracking up in school.

 

I wish I was like other people. Other people can turn off their brains. They dont worry about what could happen, what might happen, what might not happen. I've almost always been this way, except for breaks here and there where I was blissfully ignorant, when I was blissfully with my ex.

 

I know that the only way to have the slightest bit of my hope is to keep pressing on, even though most all of my efforts thus far have been futile. I worry what will become of me. I worry what will become of my father.

 

It is going to be a long day.

[yessy21]

You need to Unstress. I suggest running.

[Reddice]

Today is just like any other day. I woke up earlier than I wanted to. Since my second job is flexible and not very important, I can come and go as I please. So I look at the clock and tell myself, "I'll get up at 9:29, that is a nice 'palindromic' number". I know I need to go because, even at $8.50 an hour, it is something. Something to help hold off the crushing onslaught of debt that I'm wracking up in school.

 

I wish I was like other people. Other people can turn off their brains. They dont worry about what could happen, what might happen, what might not happen. I've almost always been this way, except for breaks here and there where I was blissfully ignorant, when I was blissfully with my ex.

 

I know that the only way to have the slightest bit of my hope is to keep pressing on, even though most all of my efforts thus far have been futile. I worry what will become of me. I worry what will become of my father.

 

It is going to be a long day.

 

 

I understand what you mean. I also worry too much about what could, might and might not happen. I also have debts: I have a study debt of 20k euro plus a mortgage of almost 150k which I am now struggling to pay since my ex left. All in all, one could even say that I'm a rather pessimistic person. I also think that's one of the aspects that drove my ex away from me. I should have approached the entire situation differently.

 

A friend of mine used to have panic attacks. He went to a psycologist for it, who told him: "The first thing you must do, is realise that you will die!" When he told me this, it really did something to me. If you think about it... It's the only certainty we have in life. I don't know if I will win the lottery tomorrow or become bankrupt. I do know that I will die once though. I now try to find peace in this. Life's too short to worry. So forgive yourself for your past mistakes and make the best out of every moment. For one day you will regret not what you did, but what you did not do.

Edited April 20, 2012 by Reddice

[Mr Scorpio]

Last night was decent. It was the kind of night I would have probably been yearning for had my ex never left me. Just a bunch of guys sitting around in a garage converted into a hangout space drinking beer and watching our beloved Red Wings lose in the first-round.

 

I'm grateful that I was invited in the first-place. Yet, it reinforced the reality of the social-circle that I have constructed for myself over the years: single guys in their 30s who can stay up until 2am drinking on Friday night because they have nothing they need to do the next day. Is that all there is to it? Work 50 hours a week so you can cap it off with that? Repeat two-thousand times and die?

 

At the same time, isn't that what married men build "man caves" to do? Or join fraternal orders based on large mammals? I guess it is different when they have a family they are stepping away from and a family they are returning to? I know some people here don't really believe in GIGS. I sure do.

 

After the game, it was an hour-or-so hanging out at my father's with two other guys. I should be grateful that one of my best friend's chooses to hang out with my father. I should also be grateful that my father was playing an online game with his brother. It offers him some company and some escape from what the rest of his life will be. And I am grateful.

 

But at the same time I feel trapped. Trapped by my own poor choices. Trapped by my uncertain future. As if anyone has a certain future? I can't complain. I never planned for any of this. I never planned for anything else. All I used to do was live in the moment. Now my moments are just dread for the future. And dreading the future serves to create the very reality that I fear.

 

The only ways out are to fight or to die. But no matter how hard I fight, there is little hope of change until three years when I finish school. Everyone I vent to tells me to stay the course. They believe in me. I just wish that I did.

[Mr Scorpio]

Day 15 of insomnia. I guess that makes this a major depressive episode. While I still have yet to dial in how I take my xanax properly, I should probably add anti-depressants to the mix. Therapy? Maybe. But talking to an actual clinical psychologist is expensive. Grad-school level help is available on a sliding-scale for around $30/hour, but they are off for term-break for another few weeks.

 

Yesterday was a mixed bag. The low-point came immediately after I posted here. I broke NC. I didn't beg or grovel or ask how she was doing. I simply wrote -- in vague terms -- about somethings in my life and compared them to things that she went through. I told her that getting to a point in my life where I'm as happy as I was when I was with her is a big-part of what pushes me onward. Hopefully she either won't reply, or the reply will be a short "thank you".

 

After a few hours of trying to fall back asleep, I forced myself to the grocery store and then cooked a healthy meal. I wanted to go to the gym, but I was so tired from not sleeping that it didn't happen. Instead I started reading a book called "learned optimism". We'll see how that goes.

 

Then, the evening arrived. Evenings are always the best. I went to a friend's house and watched the Bulls beat the Mavs. Then we played Xbox for an hour-or-so. He's engaged to a single-mother, so we had an eight year-old boy hanging out with us during the game.

 

My brain went into full GIGS mode, thinking "ok, by the time I have a career and could consider dating, a lot of the pool will be single parents. Is this how I want the remaining 20-30 years to play out?". And that is, I believe, the root of my problem now. I never considered how I wanted things to play out, I just drifted along letting life happen to me.

 

On the plus side, I also had open invitations to hang out with my cousins, my uncle, or of course my father. It is good to know that I won't be literally alone unless I choose to be. But apparently it isn't enough to calm what ailes me.

 

I know that if/when I find a career/a new partner I will be eternally grateful. This suffering is certainly building character. I just hope things fall into place before I fully fall apart. At least there is always the internet and LS.

[Mr Scorpio]

Sunday, like Saturday, was a mixed bag. I woke up early again, but managed to fall back asleep for a little while. After prying myself out of bed -- I can't believe I still have to do that at my age -- I went to the store to buy some things for Sunday dinner with my dad and some friends.

 

After that, I went to the gym and did some moderate cardio for an hour or so. It felt good. Not to mention that the TVs at the gym had NBA playing. It was a nice little slice of escape. If nothing else, losing a little bit of weight might make me confident enough to create a dating profile at some point in my life.

 

Then it was back to my Dad's for Sunday dinner, which has been a tradition since I moved out back in 2004. It was me, my dad, and a mutual friend. We sat and watched internet clips and a little bit of TV. My father probably didn't want to ask how I'm doing because of the mutual friend being there. Still, my father knows I'm feeling low because I stopped smoking weed after I had my breakdown. That probably helps explain the insomnia.

 

After a few hours, the mutual friend left, but shortly thereafter another one arrived. He's been one of my better friends for almost twenty years, and even before his marriage fell apart, he would spend hours of time hanging out with my father. I am very grateful for that fact.

 

We picked up where we had left off, watching various clips on the net and talking. I was invariably miserable throughout. It was sunny outside and Summer is fast approaching. All I could think to myself was "this isn't just your present, this is your future as well. You will have no romance. You will have no vacations. You will have no exuberant moments that thrill your soul. You will have nothing worth taking photos for."

 

Then -- and this is sad -- the "25th anniversary of FOX" special started. We sat and watched as (a small fraction of) history unfolded. It made me feel even worse. It made me think that how I felt watching it last night was how I felt watching it then -- afraid and depressed.

 

It made me realize how much depression has taken from me, or how much I've given it, and the degree to which I've screwed up my life. My dad thinks that I'm just going through a rough-patch because I feel bad over screwing up one class. He doesn't know that I'm beating myself up for beating myself up. For staying out late and sleeping in. For not planning a career for myself when I was young. For sacrificing the chance for live an idyllic Rockwell-esque life with my ex due to not caring about the future or perhaps, being too afraid to face it.

 

Then again, I suppose it isn't entirely my fault. We are the product of our genetics and/or our environment. Depression runs in my family, and I was an only child who had everything handed to him. Had I taken the right internship, I would have a career and be able to afford to go out and have fun. I'd have the confidence to date. I'd have the financial security to not be so afraid of the future that it consumes all of my thoughts.

 

Even those thoughts make me guilty. I know when I go to my 2nd job in under an hour, I'll pass one of the several "homeless parks" that dot my city. And I think I have it bad?

 

Eventually, a third mutual friend showed up around 11pm. Such is the world of the eternal bachelors. The three of us continued the trend, watching meaningless videos on the internet. Truly the stuff of memories. Finally, at about 1am the three of us left, and my father was back to his isolation. The only things that will save him from it are either death or my moving back home at age 33 to live with him in mutual poverty and depression.

 

I don't know how to grin and bear this. I don't know how to "fake it until I make it". I don't know how to stay calm and push my way through grad-school knowing that the prospects of finding anything other than 70k in debt waiting for me at the other end are grim. At least I had a couple of great years with my ex. And now I'm afraid to even check my email out of fear that she will -- or will not -- have written.

 

Please universe/God, give me some hope!

[silvermane187]

[Mr Scorpio]

The insomnia finally caught up with me. Now, in addition to whatever illness I have in my mind, I have one in my body as well. I suppose it gives me a legitimate reason to spend the morning/early-afternoon sulking in bed. At least I have to get up in a couple of hours to go to my primary job.

 

I wish I could put my finger on what has caused me to relapse like this. A month ago I felt a little stressed, but largely focused and fine. I was looking forward to term break, planning to hit the gym double-hard and get back into practicing guitar so I could hit some open-mic nights this autumn and expand my social circle, maybe find someone to cuddle with.

 

Then, all of a sudden, I'm consumed with doubt and fear, with loathing over my past mistakes? How can I go one-eighty like that all of a sudden? Can I go one-eighty back the other way?

 

Things could always get worse. I shouldn't fear the future, because for all I know there might not even be one. Summers are always the hardest for me when it comes to coping. Winter holidays? They don't bother me at all.

 

Summer is the time when I'm "supposed" to be outside: camping, walking along the beach, going to music festivals and concerts. All the things I used to do with my ex. And who knows? Maybe the next job application I turn in wlll be the one that lands me a job. Maybe the next student I get at work will be my soul-mate.

 

Maybe my ex will turn the breadcrumbs she sent me in November into a loaf of love. Maybe she'll respond to my breaking NC by telling me -- as gently as she can -- that she is engaged to the guy she left me for. Maybe she'll never reply at all. Everything was a lot easier when she was by my side.

[Mr Scorpio]

This is all too much for me -- maybe for any one person -- to handle all at once. Anguishing over the past and the loss of my ex, utterly discontent with my present, and in need to buckling down so I can focus on creating something meaningful out of my future. I'm going back to therapy.

 

It is going to be expensive, but I have student loan money and I have inheritence. I dont want to spend the money. Part of me might feel guilty for doing so. But, it is more important that I address these issues now so I can hopefully get myself back on track. Damn I wish I had insurance.

[nanbullen]

I don't know how to grin and bear this. I don't know how to "fake it until I make it". I don't know how to stay calm and push my way through grad-school knowing that the prospects of finding anything other than 70k in debt waiting for me at the other end are grim. At least I had a couple of great years with my ex. And now I'm afraid to even check my email out of fear that she will -- or will not -- have written.

 

Please universe/God, give me some hope!

 

 

I know how you feel. Everybody says to learn to love yourself, and fake it till i make it, but i need someone to tell me how step by step. The future seems completely hopeless. i can't turn my brain off and not worry about the past and the future. At least you have a social life. i'm in my late 30's and have zero single friends.

 

I doubt this is the kind of cheering up you wanted. sorry.

[Mr Scorpio]

I know how you feel. Everybody says to learn to love yourself, and fake it till i make it, but i need someone to tell me how step by step. The future seems completely hopeless. i can't turn my brain off and not worry about the past and the future. At least you have a social life. i'm in my late 30's and have zero single friends.

 

I doubt this is the kind of cheering up you wanted. sorry.

 

I always say that some reply is better than no reply. It isn't cheering up, but it at least lets me know that I'm not alone. I read so many threads on here from people who have great careers, their own houses, financial security, a large circle of friends to go out with, and yet somehow they are still miserable. What I wouldn't give to trade places with them.

 

Of course, there are probably several millions of impoverished, starving, lonely, imprisoned people who would be happy to change places with me.

[Gemster]

I feel for a lot of the things you've been saying...and no, you're definitely not alone. I suffered from panic attacks, I'm getting further and further in debt, I had no friends, and as the icing on the cake, I am still hopelessly in love with my ex.

 

Sometimes all these things happening together is overwhelming...and looking ahead at the big picture makes it worse!

 

For me, when everything came to a head, I rarely left my house...was crying ALL the time and felt like my future was hopeless.

 

Now, I'm not saying I'm completely out of the woods yet...believe me, I still have issues. But what helped me a lot was taking baby steps...instead of looking at EVERTHING that was wrong in my life, I decided to tackle things one at a time.

 

It took a few years, but I managed to get my anxiety under control....I did my research...knowledge is power. There are a lot of medications and other scientific approaches out there...some are a bit strange, but sometimes you need to think outside the box. It was a slow process, but I finally found what worked for me. Keep trying to adjust your medication, you'll finally find what helps...but you need to always know that your answer is out there.

 

My debt was not helping my anxiety either, so I decided to start a home business on the side to supplement my income. This was waaaayyyy outside my comfort zone, but I needed to do something because money was so tight....so I took the leap. It was scary, but, for the most part, it's been a positive experience. I've just started to make a little extra cash and have met some really nice people along the way.

 

Making new friends at my age was a daunting thought....but I needed to do something, because I realized I was increidbly lonely. So, last New Year's day I decided that I would make a change and signed up for meetup .com. It's a global site with every activity you can possibly think of in your area. This turned out amazing...I've made some wonderful close friends and actually have a social life now!!!

 

The last and final hurdle I'm tackling now is trying to get over my ex. Yes, I saved the biggest for last...ugh. This one is taking a lot longer than I ever imagined. He has moved on, and I'm still sitting in the same spot I was when he left 2-1/2 years ago. I've done some REALLY stupid and desperate things to try and keep him in my life, thinking he would finally come to his senses and see that we were meant to be together. I've never been convinced that "time heals all wounds"...I still don't, but it does get a little easier. I'm not sure if it's the combination of all the other changes, but over the last few months,for some reason I'm starting to see him in a different light...maybe the rose coloured glasses are coming off, I don't know, but looking at him now, I'm starting to see that he's a bit of an ass. Yes, he's moved on, but the little things that I overlooked before seem to be magnified now. Like how he thinks all women want him...yes, he's the KING of narciccists! But, when I heard he was away on vacation and slept with a random girl, I saw that he has reverted to his old ways....he was a player in his youth...after his divorce he claims he's learned a lot and had changed...but, he's back at it. But I think the clincher is that he is now pursuing a married woman. He was devastated when his family broke up after the divorce, and now he's knowingly going to break up another one. He is an ass! And I deserve better! Yes, I still think about him every day....yes, I still miss him. But I feel like I'm slowly starting to let him go...baby steps.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you take on each thing individually, it's not so overwhelming....and you need to celebrate the small victories. And most of all, be thankful for what is RIGHT on your life. It sounds like you have a lot of friends...and having a support system is a really wonderful thing.

 

Best of luck to you in your journey

[Mr Scorpio]

The past few days have been more of the same: a little bit of good mixed with a bit more of bad.

 

The good? I at least have two part-time jobs that keep me afloat. I at least have this website to come to where I can read/share experiences. I at least have my chatroom where I can complain/cope with others.

 

And, as shallow as it is, the NHL and NBA playoffs are in full-swing, and this offers me at least some escape from my mind. Yesterday a co-worker stopped over and we watched two games together. Then, just as the co-worker was leaving a friend showed up. The two of us drove to where two of my cousins and my aunt live and hung out.

 

One of my cousins was coming home from work, the other was sitting, watching videos on youtube and playing video games. This demonstrates yet again that, death from old-age not withstanding, I won't be absolutely alone anytime soon.

 

After that, we came back to my place where, fortunately, there was a fourth came to distract me until it was time to go to sleep.

 

Also, I took a brief moment of time to show some kindness to another person. As I was putting gas in my car on my way to work, I noticed a guy checking all the garbage bins outside of the gas station. At first I thought he was an employee who was emptying the bins. No. He was someone down on his luck looking to scrounge together maybe a dollar.

 

So, after I paid for my gas, I drove across the street where he was at a subsequent gas-station. Since my car was/is filthy, I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone, and I gathered up on the bottles/cans that I had and gave them to him. I also gave him a big canvas bag from my school to carry them in. I don't know what was more valuable to him, the $1.50 or the kindness, but either way it felt good to do.

 

The bad? I found out that the firm where I was supposed to volunteer over the Summer is too busy to mentor me, so I lost out on the opportunity to bolster my resume.

 

I really can't see any light at the end of the tunnel and I blame no one but myself. Although I suppose I couldn't have predicted the job market would be so terrible when I was younger, I could have at least cared about it, instead of aimlessly switching majors and burning money.

 

What makes all of that worse is comparing myself to my ex. I suppose not many people know at an early age, or even upon graduating highschool, what they want to do. They say a lot of people switch majors/careers. But my ex knew, she planned, and she executed. I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else and not necessarily her. We had very different upbringings that contributed in shaping us into the people that we are. This will probably be one more thing to go over in therapy.

[Mr Scorpio]

I can't stop worrying! I can't stop worrying! I can't stop worrying! Getting dumped twice by a woman I was obsessed with was bad, but at least then I could find some comfort in the age old axiom that "time heals all wounds". But time is only likely to make this wound bigger, deeper, and more painful.

 

Sure, maybe the next application I send out will be the one that gets me hired. I think I've already said that in here. But there are so many things that would have to fall into place for me to have a "normal life".

 

My social life has disintergrated with age. I don't have the time to construct a new one because of school. I feel guilty when I don't spend time with my father and fearful when I do that that will be the entirety of my future. In debt. Lonely. Bored.

 

I mean, sure, at least I'm not a child born with cancer or a woman in Afghanistan or something like that. I'm just so frightened by my future and I feel powerless to change it. I'm grateful for my childhood, my teens and my 20's. I'm grateful for the happy memories I have with my ex.

 

I just don't know what to do. I'm not about to throw myself off a building or anything else that drastic. I would never bring that pain upon my family. At the same time, I wish I could just fall asleep for a few years and wake up in a better place. Its like all of this is a nightmare.

[Mr Scorpio]

It took a few years, but I managed to get my anxiety under control....I did my research...knowledge is power. There are a lot of medications and other scientific approaches out there...some are a bit strange, but sometimes you need to think outside the box. It was a slow process, but I finally found what worked for me. Keep trying to adjust your medication, you'll finally find what helps...but you need to always know that your answer is out there.

 

In an odd way, I consider my anxiety one of the few positives of my current situation. I know I've had anxiety off-and-on since I was a small child. Back then, the situations that caused it seemed serious at the time, but they weren't really that bad in the grand scheme of things.

 

The situation that is causing it now is much, much more serious. But, I guess I find it somewhat comforting that, maybe, I can eliminate some of the anxiety if I work on it.

 

Right now I'm taking 0.5mgs of alprazolam twice a day. It has helped with my sleep, as I'm having dreams again, which means I'm experiencing REM sleep again. Still, I'm interested in those 'other scientific methods' that you mentioned above. At this point, I'm open to anything that might work.

[Sugarkane]

Mr Scorpio I love your username, Simpsons reminds me of my childhood. I can relate. I haven't started my career young either and plan to make up for list time. I know of others who also changed in their 30s and beyond. The black dog (depression) also runs in my family. I can feel it taunting me sometimes.

[Mr Scorpio]

Thanks for reaching out. My situation at this point makes me feel like a black sheep. Yes, I still miss my ex. But compared to my job/family situation, the issues with my ex are easy to cope with. Yet, so many of the threads on here involve people with great careers, their own houses, large families, etc. I think that if I had those things, I might not even care that much about my ex being gone. Yet, those things seem so far beyond my reach.

 

Honestly, it makes me yearn for the situation that some people in "second world" countries face. Relative poverty in exchange for having a large, extended family, with a lot of people living under one roof. At least then loneliness wouldn't be a factor. Talk about a unique case of GIGS!

 

Again, thanks for reaching out.

[Sugarkane]

I reckon even if you did make such an exchange, you highly likely could be separated from the large family to look for work. A lot of people like that don't even get to see their families often (maybe that's not such a bad thing?!). At least you get to choose your friends.

[Mr Scorpio]

Well, my first meeting with my (old) therapist is in less than an hour. I suppose if nothing else it will feel good to throw out everything that has been going through my mind to a neutral party in a face-to-face environment. I'm not really expecting much, which could be good or bad, considering how much these sessions are going to cost. But I feel like it is now or never, and I really don't want it to be never.

[Mr Scorpio]

Well, as I suspected there was nothing ground-breaking that went down. The therapist focused mostly on my childhood. I guess they all do? He asked me to start writing stories and to bring him one next week to read outloud. This is supposed to help me with grieving the loss of my mother, the loss of my ex, and all the stupid choices -- financial and otherwise -- that I've made over my lifetime. So, I guess it is a good thing that I already started my coping log.

 

Further, he asked me to start having conversations with my father about how he feels about things. While I don't object to that idea, I can pretty well imagine what the answers will be and how my father feels about things: the same that I do except with twenty-three or so years added ontop.

 

I'm afraid that opening up -- really opening up -- with my father will do nothing more than worry him. He already knows that I've struggled with depression off-and-on. He knows that I haven't had any relationships before or after my ex. I'm not sure he knows just how dim my outlook on my future is. I'm not sure it is a good thing for him to know that.

 

But, if nothing else, it was nice to have the face-to-face interaction. I'm not sure how it is going to help me stop worrying, but I guess I'm taking the "proper" steps.

[Chacha8]

Well, as I suspected there was nothing ground-breaking that went down. The therapist focused mostly on my childhood. I guess they all do? He asked me to start writing stories and to bring him one next week to read outloud. This is supposed to help me with grieving the loss of my mother, the loss of my ex, and all the stupid choices -- financial and otherwise -- that I've made over my lifetime. So, I guess it is a good thing that I already started my coping log.

 

Further, he asked me to start having conversations with my father about how he feels about things. While I don't object to that idea, I can pretty well imagine what the answers will be and how my father feels about things: the same that I do except with twenty-three or so years added ontop.

 

I'm afraid that opening up -- really opening up -- with my father will do nothing more than worry him. He already knows that I've struggled with depression off-and-on. He knows that I haven't had any relationships before or after my ex. I'm not sure he knows just how dim my outlook on my future is. I'm not sure it is a good thing for him to know that.

 

But, if nothing else, it was nice to have the face-to-face interaction. I'm not sure how it is going to help me stop worrying, but I guess I'm taking the "proper" steps.

 

I am a worrier too.....it's absolutely miserable at times and completely exhausting. I have considered talking to a therapist myself to see if I can overcome it. If anything, at least it might help to lay it all out there with someone completely unrelated and unbiased to my breakup (like family or friends). Good luck to you.

[Mr Scorpio]

So I tried taking a nap after the session yesterday, as I was operating on only four hours of sleep. No such luck. After lying in bed for two-hours I got up and went to work. And thus started the theme of the day.

 

My first student is a guy in his mid-to-late 40's. He was talking about how stressed out he was over money (he had to buy a new car over the past week as his old one died) and how he needed to find himself a lady-friend. Financial stress and lack of companionship? Tell me about it.

 

After that, I got sick of scanning loveshack over and over again, so I decided to play some guitar inbetween lessons. It was a nice distraction. While playing, I got to talking to a new co-worker who told me about how he had been living with his GF and their child. But then she lost her job, they couldn't afford the apartment, and they both had to move in with their respective parents. He talked about how raising a child under such circumstances was hell.

 

Then, after work I headed over to another co-workers place to drink a beer and watch some basketball. This guy is a single-parent of a five-year old, his mother having died a few months ago after a long battle with illness. After enough beer, he talked about how much he missed companionship. How even just holding hands with a woman would be so great.

 

All told, it made me realize just how many people -- the majority of people -- in my social circle are in bad situations. I could easily list five more financially struggling and/or lonely people. I'm surrounded by them. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It is certainly an odd thing.

[Mr Scorpio]

One-step forward, two-steps back? I had been starting to sleep "normally" for a few days. I had begun to not spend hours on-end awake in bed. Now? I'm back to waking up at 4AM and waiting -- and waiting -- to fall back asleep, only it doesn't happen. Not even with avoiding caffeine. Not even with getting exercise.

 

I've completed two sessions of therapy. Most of it has been esoteric. Some of it has focused on when I'm going to "let myself" be happy. Supposedly I have the ability to flip-a-switch and become content with being a single thirty-two year old with no career and a single fifty-eight year old parent with no hope of working again? Yeah, I'll get right on that.

 

I've been very tempted to break NC again with a follow-up letter. I've already written twice since late November with no response. I think silence says it all. I shouldn't be reaching out in such a desperate state anyways. She can't/won't offer me the comfort that I seek.

 

And now? It's the first week of the fifth-term of the schooling that is piling on the debt. Debt that is contributing to the worrying that is helping to keep me awake at night.

 

This is no way to live.

[stlangie]

Don't do it! If she hasn't replied to you twice, why put yourself through the heartache of letting her not reply again? That's destructive to yourself, and it will just keep your wounds open even longer. You already know that...

 

Just get through this day. Don't worry about how you're going to get through tomorrow, or next week, or the entire year. Or even your ten year "plan". We all know that nothing ever goes as planned. So why worry so much about a potentially grim future (I assure you it won't be), when you know that nothing is going really to play out the way you have it in your mind anyway? Uncertainty is scary, I know. But in the grand scheme of things, this will be a bump in the road. Hard to think that way right now.

 

Anyway, just try to focus on getting through today without contacting her, and without beating yourself up about anything too much.

[Mr Scorpio]

THIS is when it sucks the most! THIS is when the memories burn the most. Six years ago I was having the best weekend of my life (which she says was also one of the best times of her life) at a music festival.

 

THIS is when people are having picnics. People are going to music festivals. People are going to cottages. I'm going to work, then to school, then back home to study -- for the next three years. For a job that may never come.

 

Therapy? Yeah, it's nice to talk to someone, but it isn't making me feel any better. Medication? I've only been taking the "stuff" I'm on now for about three weeks, so maybe it is yet to kick in. My therapist says I should get a blood test to check my thyroid, and I agree with him. I just can't believe that this is how my life has turned out -- although at the same time I'm not surprised. If that makes any sense.

 

Yesterday, I heard that an old acquaintance died of a heart attack at 31. A small piece of me was jealous.