Here is the full story! I'm in a mess aren't I?

[curious_gal]

Hi all – I decided to start a new thread because I wanted to give you all the story of my life. I'm trying to condense this crazy story down as much as possible. It’s been four years of madness. Sorry so long but I appreciate your input in advance. I need help!

 

When my boyfriend and I first started dating he told me he had always cheated in past relationships. Then he got married, decided to be faithful and change his ways and his wife wound up cheating on him and leaving him so he learned his lesson and would NEVER cheat again. That I had nothing to worry about. We’ve been together going on 4 years. He was married and she left him. He started dating some woman and when he met me he left that woman for me. So here is when and where the sketchiness begins:

 

1. Six months into our relationship I found that he had called and texted the woman that he left for me(she was the rebound girl after his wife left him) a few times without me knowing. When I called her to confront her she lied and said that she was his boss’ wife. I knew it was a lie because I did a reverse cell look up. I sort of let it go thinking “maybe he’s afraid to tell me that they are just friends”. I mean, after all I’m still friends with some of my ex’s. Anyway, after that is when I became a “checker” once in awhile because the trust was broken a bit.

 

2. A year into the relationship on my birthday weekend I found out that he was texting another ex of his from years ago. He said that they were just friends but when I called her to confront her and ask who she was she said “none of your concern”. You would think if they were just friends she would have said so. He apologized and said never again. It was just catch up conversation. I let it go again.

 

3. One day when I got home I noticed that his white shirt had what appeared to be red lipstick stains on the BOTTOM front of his shirt like someone had been “down” there. He denied.

 

4. Two years into the relationship I was working during the evening and got a text from a friend saying that he saw my guy out at a bar with some woman. My guy denied it. I did research and confirmed that the woman he was “seen” with works with him and my other friend. They all work for same company so I knew who she was. We moved into a new home and he went on a trip. When he went on a trip he left his personal email up and I of course snooped and found that the woman that he was said to be at a bar with him and her were emailing. She sent him an email saying that she’s not “messed” up over him like she was before and has moved on but that she would be a friend if he ever wanted to let her in.

 

 

At that point I moved out. I couldn’t take it anymore. I figured he had cheated because why would a woman say that to him? That she’s not “messed” up over him anymore if there wasn’t any sort of emotional connection. I, being the sucker I am and in love with him like I am took him back. We started working things out. This is the worst of the worst now.

 

5. THIS IS THE WORST ONE..We hung out one night and he was acting really suspicious. Wanted for me to go home and said he needed alone time. I couldn’t understand why out of nowhere. He started an argument with me and said that I was crazy and to get out of his house. He actually grabbed me by the arm and physically threw me out. I fell down the stairs. That entire night I had the worst feeling in my stomach. I decided to drive by his place in the morning and walked in his house and found that he was there with his ex. The one after his wife and the one he left for me. He threw me out that morning. I was beyond devastated. He called immediately after I left and said that nothing happened. He ran into her at a bar and she needed a place to stay. I said, that explains the “bed” that was made on the living room floor and the fact that you made ME leave over HER. He said he made me leave because he didn’t want a scene and he didn’t want me to beat her up because he knows that they didn’t do anything inappropriate and that I was over reacting. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me. Never wanted to be without me.

 

Guess what? I decided to stay with him. Try and forgive but I can never forget. We moved back in together.

 

5. Back this past October he went to a Starbucks that I later confirmed is right next to where this woman works. It was bizarre because to get to the Starbucks he really had to drive out of his way and why would he do that? He can get coffee other places to right? Well, I asked him and he said that he didn’t even know she worked there and he’s never been there since. Well, not that I know of.

 

6. When I do laundry I will sometimes notice what look like “sex” stains. I don’t mean to sound gross but they are white stains in the front of his underwear and he gets them when him and I have not been intimate. I did ask him about this the other day and he got upset and stormed out. Said that I’m an “underwear checker” and he has no privacy. I know what it looks like when he’s had an orgasm from masturbating, etc. but these stains are different.

 

So here I am. I’m an extra obsessive checker. I secretly smell him when he hugs me when he gets home, I give him the total look over without him realizing to check for lipstick stains, etc. I check his underwear for stains, etc. It’s crazy.

 

I feel that he could/would do it again. I mean, after all, why wouldn’t he? I’ve forgiven him over and over again. He claims to love me and wants to get married but it’s going on 4 years and nothing. I take care of him, my daughter and his daughters when he has them. I’m such a good woman to him. When I need reassurance for the place that HE GOT ME TO he won’t give it to me. Says that I make things up in my head and that I have no reason to be traumatized by catching him with his ex because HE KNOWS what happened and it’s not what I think. That he is good to me and would never cheat. Makes me feel like I’m crazy and that I’m bringing him down. He said if I’d just be “normal” and be a normal girl that we wouldn’t have issues. Puts the blame on me and says that I question him too much. Yesterday he said that all I do is wallow in mud and am so negative and that no one will ever “grow” with me. Made me feel horrible. All because I asked you about a pair of underwear? Because I asked how your night was? He said he hates questions from me. That they are annoying because I knows that I have ulterior motives and am just playing investigator. He made me feel so bad. I feel like I am the crazy one.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he’s just using me because I’m attractive, cook, clean, am basically like a wife without the ring and if he could get away with having me and another side piece why not? I just don’t get with the insecurity that I have and the amount of questioning I give him why he hasn’t left me for her? I have went to him crying saying that if you can’t be good to me and give me what I need just let me go already. Be honest so I can move on with my life and he won’t. Gives me the same story. That everything is fine if I’d just be normal.

 

If he’s innocent you’d think that he would have left by now saying I’ve tried and you don’t trust so I’m out of here. I just keep praying that he’ll open his eyes and change. Maybe the stains I’m seeing are not from him being with another woman. I just don’t know what to think anymore. My mind is in so much confusion and I have no self esteem at all. Sometimes I feel like he wants to bring me down and make me feel crazy so he has all of the control and I’ll never leave. He has all power and control now. I’ll give him that much. I can’t even lie. I’ve lost myself because I’m so damaged. He doesn’t understand how traumatized I am. How am I supposed to think that the cheating has stopped and move forward when first of all he won’t admit that what he did was wrong and second of all there is still possible signs.

 

I have access to our cell phone records and I’m afraid to find out because I’m madly in love with him. He’s my best and only friend and I’d be lost without him. I keep praying for a change and that I’m possibly wrong. Am I wrong?

 

He’s also gotten physical with me and has threatened me. Two days ago I was told my teeth were going to be knocked out because I told him he has a mean soul.

 

I started seeing a therapist yesterday. Will it ever stop? Once a cheater always a cheater? Why doesn’t he just leave me for the other woman?

 

P.S. Now he randomly sprays his underwear with cologne?

 

P.S.S. He's going out of town for work for 3 nights next week and I'm about losing my mind with the fear of him having someone come to stay with him.

 

I need to get strong but it's so hard to move on. My self esteem is done. I'm so afraid of losing a loser.

Edited April 20, 2012 by curious_gal

[PegNosePete]

Will it ever stop? Once a cheater always a cheater? Why doesn’t he just leave me for the other woman?

It will stop only when you stop it. He is having his cake and eating it. He knows that whatever he does you will take him back. After he's been out shagging random girls he will have a nice warm bed to go home to, that is why he doesn't leave you. He is making a complete fool out of you and laughing at you behind your back. You seriously need to ditch this idiot. Guys like this give us all a bad name.

[curious_gal]

Peg Nose Pete - Do you really think he's laughing at me behind my back? We've been together for so long. I wouldn't say that. I know that he has perhaps an addiction to cheating but for him to be that evil to laugh behind my back seems horrible. Are people really like that? It's hard for me to believe that people are that evil.

 

Why is he so possessive and jealous with me if he doesn't love or care for me?

[PegNosePete]

Yes. He is taking the piss with this behaviour. He is deliberately doing things right in front of you like the cologne/underwear thing and the cellphone, because he knows you won't lift a finger to stop him.

 

He is a classic, textbook, dictionary definition ABUSER.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Wow, what a lot of drama. Is there any good aspect of this person, or of your relationship? Sounds horrid in every way.

 

What do you want from us?

 

Clearly, this guy is dishonest, a giant cheater and even physically abusive.

 

Nobody is going to give you any good tips on how to have a happy relationship with him.

 

Either get used to accepting the way it is to have a dishonest potentially violent cheater for a boyfriend, or GET OUT.

 

If you needed support for getting out, I'm sure you could find it here.

[olivec]

Peg Nose Pete - Do you really think he's laughing at me behind my back? We've been together for so long. I wouldn't say that. I know that he has perhaps an addiction to cheating but for him to be that evil to laugh behind my back seems horrible. Are people really like that? It's hard for me to believe that people are that evil.

 

Why is he so possessive and jealous with me if he doesn't love or care for me?

 

I'm a man and I know 100% hes cheating on you. Theres just too many situations there that can happen. I think you need to move on from him or you will have no life of your own. Or you'll live a doggs life and he'll continue to walk all over you. You need to focus on yourself and eventually find a good man who will treat you right.

[Chi townD]

Yep, he's a cheater and a very stupid one to boot. He sucks at hiding his tracks. Girl, this dude isn't worth your time. And you are right, your afraid of losing a loser. You KNOW you deserve better!

 

And you'll come back at me and tell me that you love hom. Okay, cool. But you have to ask yourself does he love you as much as you love him? The only one in this relationship is you.

 

Time to heal and move on from this relationship. Once you do this, then you'll be free to find your partner in life. A guy that will love you equally as much. Be your best friend and lover. He's out there, It's up to you to find him.

[curious_gal]

Thanks all. There is good about him. He helps financially. Does many thoughtful things for me, is there for me when I need someone, etc. I think that is why it's so hard. Because I know of his potential. I can't be in love with someones potential though. This I know.

 

I'm here for support on how to get strength to move on. I obviously haven't been able to yet. I'm at my wits end.

[KathyM]

I think you find your strength by realizing the indisputable truth about this guy--he abuses you; he has inappropriate ties to other women that he won't give up; he treats you badly; he has a history of cheating, and shows every sign of continuing with that behavior. When you realize the truth about this guy, you can stop questioning yourself. You can start seeing him for what he is, and what he will continue to be, and not what you want him to be. Once you realize and acknowledge the truth about this guy, you keep telling yourself this is not what you want--you deserve better. Then you make a plan of action--steps to take in order to leave. That will help you to feel more in control. Write down what your options are, such as ask to move in with a parent or relative temporarily, or with a friend, until you can find your own place. Look for a job or a better job so you can support yourself if you're currently not able to do so. Make a list of your support system (i.e., family, friends, co-workers, clergy, therapist, loveshack members (we'll be here to encourage you to leave this guy and start a new life for yourself). Then use those sources to help you find your strength to leave and to recover. Then set a date to move out and put your departure plan into action. You have convinced yourself that you need this guy and can't live without him. He has taken advantage of your neediness and so he uses you, disrespects you, and mistreats you. He realizes that he can do whatever he wants, and there will be no real consequences for it, other than a little noise from you. It's time you take back your life and realize you have no future with this guy, despite the half-assed promises he tells you in order to string you along. Life with him is a painful one. You need to get out. Make your plan of action, and then carry it out. Don't enable this bum to treat you this way. YOU have to decide you are no longer going to accept being treated this way, and accept the reality that he is not going to change. YOU have to take action to leave and not wait for him to break it off. He's not going to break it off on his own. He has a girlfriend (you) who is willing to accept being abused, being cheated on, and being treated disrespectfully. A girlfriend that gives him the benefits of a relationship, and the freedom to do whatever he wants with you and with others. He has no reason to end this, so don't wait for him to. Stop trying to be his parent, and start parenting yourself. This is a bad guy, and it's time for you to get out of harm's way, and start valuing yourself and realizing you have the strength to make your own choices in life and not allow others to make them for you.

[curious_gal]

It's very hard because he's all I've known for so many years. I have a relationship with his family and two baby girls (5 & 7). Why does he include me in all that he does with friends, family, etc.?

 

How do I get strong and tell him that I don't want this anymore? I don't even know what to say out of nowhere and I'm sure he'll make me feel like it's my loss because he "loves" me so much.

 

Where we live now is my apartment, in my name so if anyone moves, it has to be him. I'm not leaving my place.

 

Also, any advice on why he is so possesive and jealous? If he doesn't care, ya know? I'm just wondering how this mad man'd mind works.

Edited April 20, 2012 by curious_gal

[freestyle]

It's very hard because he's all I've known for so many years. I have a relationship with his family and two baby girls (5 & 7). Why does he include me in all that he does with friends, family, etc.?

 

How do I get strong and tell him that I don't want this anymore? I don't even know what to say out of nowhere and I'm sure he'll make me feel like it's my loss because he "loves" me so much.

 

He can TRY to make it feel like it's your loss. (classic manipulation, by the way)

 

His behavior towards you is psychologically, and emotionally abusive.

You've also seen the physical abuse---that will only ramp up , if you stay with him/marry him......

 

He includes you in his life for any number of reasons

 

You put up with his shoddy treatment of you.

 

You help with his kids/cook for him/clean for him.

 

(A built -in nanny/chef/maid.)

 

He's learned that he can still chase other women, and there will be no consequences for him.

 

This also allows him to appear respectable to his family & friends---("Look , I have a steady girlfriend!!")

 

He can also use YOU to triangulate with other women---to bring out their competitive instincts. They'll believe that in order to "win" him--they just need to jump a little higher, & cater to his needs that much more...(It's a HUGE ego boost for a man like that---to know that women are fighting over him...)

 

 

He's got it made!!What's not to like? For him, anyways...............

 

 

Curious gal---Kathy M gave you some very good practical advice for extracting yourself from the situation you're in---please give her words some serious consideration.

 

Start focusing on yourSELF--your needs, your desires, how you deserve to be treated. What you will & won't put up with.

 

The more your focus begins to shift to yourSELF, instead of your mental energy getting used up trying to figure his shenanigans, the better you'll start to feel. It will be a victory for your spirit.

[curious_gal]

I appreciate all of your advice so much! This forum is a God send! I know that I must move on. I'm not in denial about any of what is happening. I'm just a lost soul due to all that has happened.

 

We have so much going on. Friends wedding this weekend, a few concerts coming up this summer. It's hard to think of not doing these things anymore with him. He's, as crazy as this sounds, my only and best friend. I'm sure you all know what I mean. He's all I know.

 

I feel like on my end there is a sense of pride that I can't "give up" because it's like "what? he won't change for ME?!" as good as I am to him and all.

 

This is truly the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

 

Also, I at times tend to have OCD so I know already that when he is out of town next week that I won't be ablet to sleep, etc. knowing that he is probably going to be there with another woman. How do I cope or get through those nights without going completely out of my mind? The thoughts become obsessive.

 

Any advice, please?

 

I'm a hot mess. It's so hard to stay strong in front of him though and to "act" like everything is ok when inside I'm dying.

Edited April 20, 2012 by curious_gal

[freestyle]

 

I feel like on my end there is a sense of pride that I can't "give up" because it's like "what? he won't change for ME?!" as good as I am to him and all.

 

 

 

But....the truth IS---you can't change or control his behavior.

 

(and why would you want to? Wouldn't you prefer love & respect that is given, freely, voluntarily?)

 

The fact that he craps on you, no matter how well you treat him, points to serious issues on HIS part. It's got nothing to do with YOUR value, & worth.

 

This is the catch to not enforcing consequences for his bad behavior---

 

 

He has NO incentive to change.

 

He's learned that he can get away with being a jerk, and you'll put up with it.

[fltc]

What do you want from us?

 

You know he's a cheater, a liar and an abuser, you know he's never going to change, you know you MUST leave him and find someone who'll treat you right and be faithful to you.

 

Is there anything we could say that you don't already know?

[BewitchedandBothered]

Hi all – I decided to start a new thread because I wanted to give you all the story of my life. I'm trying to condense this crazy story down as much as possible. It’s been four years of madness. Sorry so long but I appreciate your input in advance. I need help!

 

When my boyfriend and I first started dating he told me he had always cheated in past relationships. Then he got married, decided to be faithful and change his ways and his wife wound up cheating on him and leaving him so he learned his lesson and would NEVER cheat again. That I had nothing to worry about. We’ve been together going on 4 years. He was married and she left him. He started dating some woman and when he met me he left that woman for me. So here is when and where the sketchiness begins:

 

1. Six months into our relationship I found that he had called and texted the woman that he left for me(she was the rebound girl after his wife left him) a few times without me knowing. When I called her to confront her she lied and said that she was his boss’ wife. I knew it was a lie because I did a reverse cell look up. I sort of let it go thinking “maybe he’s afraid to tell me that they are just friends”. I mean, after all I’m still friends with some of my ex’s. Anyway, after that is when I became a “checker” once in awhile because the trust was broken a bit.

 

2. A year into the relationship on my birthday weekend I found out that he was texting another ex of his from years ago. He said that they were just friends but when I called her to confront her and ask who she was she said “none of your concern”. You would think if they were just friends she would have said so. He apologized and said never again. It was just catch up conversation. I let it go again.

 

3. One day when I got home I noticed that his white shirt had what appeared to be red lipstick stains on the BOTTOM front of his shirt like someone had been “down” there. He denied.

 

4. Two years into the relationship I was working during the evening and got a text from a friend saying that he saw my guy out at a bar with some woman. My guy denied it. I did research and confirmed that the woman he was “seen” with works with him and my other friend. They all work for same company so I knew who she was. We moved into a new home and he went on a trip. When he went on a trip he left his personal email up and I of course snooped and found that the woman that he was said to be at a bar with him and her were emailing. She sent him an email saying that she’s not “messed” up over him like she was before and has moved on but that she would be a friend if he ever wanted to let her in.

 

 

At that point I moved out. I couldn’t take it anymore. I figured he had cheated because why would a woman say that to him? That she’s not “messed” up over him anymore if there wasn’t any sort of emotional connection. I, being the sucker I am and in love with him like I am took him back. We started working things out. This is the worst of the worst now.

 

5. THIS IS THE WORST ONE..We hung out one night and he was acting really suspicious. Wanted for me to go home and said he needed alone time. I couldn’t understand why out of nowhere. He started an argument with me and said that I was crazy and to get out of his house. He actually grabbed me by the arm and physically threw me out. I fell down the stairs. That entire night I had the worst feeling in my stomach. I decided to drive by his place in the morning and walked in his house and found that he was there with his ex. The one after his wife and the one he left for me. He threw me out that morning. I was beyond devastated. He called immediately after I left and said that nothing happened. He ran into her at a bar and she needed a place to stay. I said, that explains the “bed” that was made on the living room floor and the fact that you made ME leave over HER. He said he made me leave because he didn’t want a scene and he didn’t want me to beat her up because he knows that they didn’t do anything inappropriate and that I was over reacting. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me. Never wanted to be without me.

 

Guess what? I decided to stay with him. Try and forgive but I can never forget. We moved back in together.

 

5. Back this past October he went to a Starbucks that I later confirmed is right next to where this woman works. It was bizarre because to get to the Starbucks he really had to drive out of his way and why would he do that? He can get coffee other places to right? Well, I asked him and he said that he didn’t even know she worked there and he’s never been there since. Well, not that I know of.

 

6. When I do laundry I will sometimes notice what look like “sex” stains. I don’t mean to sound gross but they are white stains in the front of his underwear and he gets them when him and I have not been intimate. I did ask him about this the other day and he got upset and stormed out. Said that I’m an “underwear checker” and he has no privacy. I know what it looks like when he’s had an orgasm from masturbating, etc. but these stains are different.

 

So here I am. I’m an extra obsessive checker. I secretly smell him when he hugs me when he gets home, I give him the total look over without him realizing to check for lipstick stains, etc. I check his underwear for stains, etc. It’s crazy.

 

I feel that he could/would do it again. I mean, after all, why wouldn’t he? I’ve forgiven him over and over again. He claims to love me and wants to get married but it’s going on 4 years and nothing. I take care of him, my daughter and his daughters when he has them. I’m such a good woman to him. When I need reassurance for the place that HE GOT ME TO he won’t give it to me. Says that I make things up in my head and that I have no reason to be traumatized by catching him with his ex because HE KNOWS what happened and it’s not what I think. That he is good to me and would never cheat. Makes me feel like I’m crazy and that I’m bringing him down. He said if I’d just be “normal” and be a normal girl that we wouldn’t have issues. Puts the blame on me and says that I question him too much. Yesterday he said that all I do is wallow in mud and am so negative and that no one will ever “grow” with me. Made me feel horrible. All because I asked you about a pair of underwear? Because I asked how your night was? He said he hates questions from me. That they are annoying because I knows that I have ulterior motives and am just playing investigator. He made me feel so bad. I feel like I am the crazy one.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he’s just using me because I’m attractive, cook, clean, am basically like a wife without the ring and if he could get away with having me and another side piece why not? I just don’t get with the insecurity that I have and the amount of questioning I give him why he hasn’t left me for her? I have went to him crying saying that if you can’t be good to me and give me what I need just let me go already. Be honest so I can move on with my life and he won’t. Gives me the same story. That everything is fine if I’d just be normal.

 

If he’s innocent you’d think that he would have left by now saying I’ve tried and you don’t trust so I’m out of here. I just keep praying that he’ll open his eyes and change. Maybe the stains I’m seeing are not from him being with another woman. I just don’t know what to think anymore. My mind is in so much confusion and I have no self esteem at all. Sometimes I feel like he wants to bring me down and make me feel crazy so he has all of the control and I’ll never leave. He has all power and control now. I’ll give him that much. I can’t even lie. I’ve lost myself because I’m so damaged. He doesn’t understand how traumatized I am. How am I supposed to think that the cheating has stopped and move forward when first of all he won’t admit that what he did was wrong and second of all there is still possible signs.

 

I have access to our cell phone records and I’m afraid to find out because I’m madly in love with him. He’s my best and only friend and I’d be lost without him. I keep praying for a change and that I’m possibly wrong. Am I wrong?

 

He’s also gotten physical with me and has threatened me. Two days ago I was told my teeth were going to be knocked out because I told him he has a mean soul.

 

I started seeing a therapist yesterday. Will it ever stop? Once a cheater always a cheater? Why doesn’t he just leave me for the other woman?

 

P.S. Now he randomly sprays his underwear with cologne?

 

P.S.S. He's going out of town for work for 3 nights next week and I'm about losing my mind with the fear of him having someone come to stay with him.

 

I need to get strong but it's so hard to move on. My self esteem is done. I'm so afraid of losing a loser.

 

The huge red flag waving in front of you was the fact that he left someone for you, as if she didn't count, and as if he were prioritizing you. Did he not admit he had cheated many times previous to you? The very last straw should have been him grabbing you and throwing you out the door as if you were garbage. He treated you like a piece of trash. Meanwhile, you are laying on the steps, arm probably bruised and he is telling the other woman whose 'bed' he made up on the floor that you are a psycho and won't bother him again.

 

Can you take anymore from him? Because if you stay, he will keep this behavior up. He is a snake in the grass. He will never change. It's best you change how you deal with him and walk instead of taking him back and wasting your time.

[g450]

What do you want from us?

 

You know he's a cheater, a liar and an abuser, you know he's never going to change, you know you MUST leave him and find someone who'll treat you right and be faithful to you.

 

Is there anything we could say that you don't already know?

 

^^^^^^^

This!

 

It is so obviouse that the OP needs to flush this turd yet she is still posting like she has a chance to fix him. Not going to happen. I think the OP just enjoys drama, even when it's painful.

 

Seems like she wants to hear anything except the ugly truth in front of her.

[eternalove15]

u know what, we girls are always the losers.. we blindfold ourselves when we love a man. We can only see their goodness. And even though we know they r doing wrong to us , we keep on tolerating it thinking and hoping for them to change fr us. But hell NOOO!!! If uyour better half cannot change his habbits in the first 6 months of your relatioship then just forget it that he'll ever change a bit for u. Curious girl I really feel sorry for you. I feel like stabbing this man with knife if only I could. But you wont ever allow me coz u love this silly *******. Understandable coz even I'm blind in love. The only diff is my bf doesnt sleep around with girls nor flirt with them. He always wanna hang out with his friends and family leaving me all alone to deal with my brain blood clot problem. But I've learnt a lessson from my life. which u should also learn and that is TIT FOR TAT girl. but dont get me wrong I'm not asking u to cheat on him but just create such situations which could make him feel like u r doing all that he was doing with u. Remember ony glass can cut diamonds. U need to be the glass now to mend ur man into a loyal potential husband. If u agree with me then let me know. I'll help you with everything as I feel he does indeed loves u but he is on a wrong and lusty path. If u dont agree with me or dont wanna try my formula then its purely your wish. After all its your own life

[stillafool]

Thanks all. There is good about him. He helps financially. Does many thoughtful things for me, is there for me when I need someone, etc. I think that is why it's so hard. Because I know of his potential. I can't be in love with someones potential though. This I know.

 

I'm here for support on how to get strength to move on. I obviously haven't been able to yet. I'm at my wits end.

 

So what if he helps financially? You can get a better job and help yourself financially. You need to break up with him and get therapy to get over him. He is never, ever going to treat you the way you want him to. You have taught him how you want to be treated by putting up with his behavior this long and he isn't going to change for you. Do not waste anymore of your precious life on this loser or you will end up badly aged and miserable. Take your life back and find strength to move out. He is not going to stop seeing his ex as long as she is interested in seeing him too.

[curious_gal]

G450 - Wow, that is pretty rude of you. You actually think I enjoy drama?! I didn’t come here for any NEGATIVE posts and yours is definitelyunnecessary and rude. You don’t knowanything about me except for this situation that unfortunately is a part of mylife. I never asked for this nor neverthought I’d be in a place like this. Yes,I’m in a rough spot. My therapist saidthat I’m a classic “abused” woman and the way I feel and confusion and wantingto fix things is all a normal process of what I’m going through. Not that I’m about drama so PLEASE don’t everpost to my thread again. I don’t want tohear anything negative or demeaning from anyone. I go through enough crap right now. Came here for support, not to be judged.

 

For everyone else, again, THANK you for the encouragingwords. My therapist said that Idefinitely have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from what has happened and myOCD definitely is not helping things right now. He is going away this week until Friday for work training. He does this 2-3 times a year and most timesI go with him. I can’t this time and Ialready had a sleepless night last night thinking the “what if’s” and thingsout of my control like perhaps her going to spend the night with him one night,etc. Do any of you have any suggestionson how to get these intrusive thoughts out of my head so I’m not thinking aboutit panicking constantly?

 

Just until I move on I need some sort of advice on how to dealwith my panic and OCD over the situation. I can’t stop thinking about the “what if’s”. I need to develop some sort of strength.

[curious_gal]

I'm back as I need support now in the worst way. He is out of town for work and I spoke to him a few times today and the last time around 5:30 he rushed me to hang up which Was odd. Said he was tired and wanted to relax. He texted twice around 7 and I called shortly thereafter and no answer. I'm hysterical and in crazy panic and anxiety mode feeling that he's with her or another woman. I'm trembling. There is no reason he can't answer his phone or call back. He said he'd just be in his hOtel room. I don't even know what to do with myself right nOw. I feel out of control. Like I have to throw up. I know that I could be being irrational but with his past and all that's gOne on I'm assuming the worst. I need support right now. Should I call and text again? Im sick to my stomach. Please help.

[crazylove]

 

We have so much going on. Friends wedding this weekend, a few concerts coming up this summer. It's hard to think of not doing these things anymore with him. He's, as crazy as this sounds, my only and best friend. I'm sure you all know what I mean. He's all I know.

 

QUOTE]

 

You and only you can decide to get out. This sounds like such a toxic relationship and you deserve so much better. Until it stops you are going to feel like this. He is not your best friend, hell he's not even a friend....friends would never make you feel like this or treat you in this way. He sounds like he's a parasite that is just making you lose your will to live:(

[crazylove]

Do you really want to keep feeling like you are now?

I really hope you can see what he is doing to you and make a stand for yourself and your children now. It's going to take a long time to heal, but this really is such a bad situation for you to be in. To cheat once, maybe you could forgive..but multiple times?? Please please help yourself and get out of this. You need to try and be strong. But there is support here for you to help u through. You are never going to be able to trust this man again, and your health will suffer as a result.

((hugs)) to you.

[PegNosePete]

feeling that he's with her or another woman

Of course he is. Sorry to be harsh but it's pretty clear that he is a lying cheating scumbag, as we have all been saying. The only person who can change this is you, you need to dump him ASAP and find someone who will respect you.

[curious_gal]

Crazy Love – Thanks for the encouraging words. They helped so much last night and rightnow. Actually ALL of your words are a god send

 

PegNosePete – I did speak with him right after I wrote thatpost and we were on the phone for a good half hour. I also spoke with him at 10:00 from his hotelroom and he called me first thing this morning. Do you still think that he’s there with another woman? Would he really leave her and talk to me thatoften if so? If she was in his room with him, etc?

 

Also, he is 2 ½ hours away. Wondering if she’d make the trip when she has a job, etc.

 

I don’t know how “cheaters” work as I’m not that type of a person.

[freestyle]

Crazy Love – Thanks for the encouraging words. They helped so much last night and rightnow. Actually ALL of your words are a god send

 

PegNosePete – I did speak with him right after I wrote thatpost and we were on the phone for a good half hour. I also spoke with him at 10:00 from his hotelroom and he called me first thing this morning. Do you still think that he’s there with another woman? Would he really leave her and talk to me thatoften if so? If she was in his room with him, etc?

 

Also, he is 2 ½ hours away. Wondering if she’d make the trip when she has a job, etc.

 

I don’t know how “cheaters” work as I’m not that type of a person.

 

 

That's part of the rub , right there---Honest people have a hard time wrapping their brains around the mentality of people who are deliberately deceptive.

 

 

I think part of what's holding you back at this point is that the bulk of your mentality energy is being spent analyzing HIM---his actions, his motives, etc.

 

How much space is that leaving for you to be focused on yourSELF?

(and I'm saying this as someone who's been through the same thing, so I really do KNOW) You need to switch your focus back onto yourself, & regain your strength & clarity. Then----the light bulbs will come on for you.

 

Save your love for someone who will treasure it---don't squander it on someone who will sh*t on it.