7 years and no ring in sight

[ADL]

I shouldn't be suprised that he is "unable" to do what it takes to ensure our future. Like someone said: the writing was on the wall. I hoped that, if I didn't look at it, he would eventually make it go away.

 

He said it feels too forced (which I completely agree...we just don't agree on why it needed to get to this point) Its really sad that I put so much effort into this relationship only to walk away with nothing but a life lesson: if you spend 3+ years trying to get someone to jump on the same page...it's not meant to be. I should have put those efforts into trying to find someone who supports my dreams, not someone who wants me to change them.

 

In fairness I have to admit that I did say that I need to know that we will be married and trying for children by the end of this year. He says it's too soon and wishes I wasnt stuck on a timeline. But is it really too soon after 7 years and being 32??? He things will change and get better (ie: I'll get over this desire to be married) with MORE time. I really don't understand why we would need an extended engagement after a 7 year relationship!?!? He should be able to look at me and say "I'd marry you tomorrow and can't imagine not having you forever" He wouldnt be stuck on this "timeline" or the "ultimatum" that I gave 6mths ago. Instead he let me walk out the door.

 

But now he says things like "when we work this out" or "lets talk and try to work this out". My mind is in a battle with my heart. I keep thinking "what if I end up with someone and I end up wishing it was him" or "what if I regret this". I dont know what to do. I'm so floored that it ended up like this. I thought he was better than this and that I'd be worth it for him.

[Jimmy Jones]

(Apologies for the long post)

To put it into context I think you need to first understand from a guy perspective what may be going on inside his head. I remember having to face similar pressure 16 years ago, about making this commitment and taking the next step. I was terrified despite the fact that I wanted to get married. We were going out for 7 years and I was an independent spirit. I knew I wanted to marry my sweetheart but when she brought pressure to bear and tried to introduce a timeline, I froze. We had been sleeping together and I began to feel that she felt that sex meant that we had to get married. I also felt financially inadequate and not ready to look after someone else or raising a family. The whole marriage vows thing and standing before God, and the world making all these promises... well lets just say "Panic Attack".

 

The key thing that helped me through was that I wanted to get married. It was a part of my long term future. (TIP: you need to find this out from him) I had a good example of marriage and staying together from my parents. I also had a girlfriend who was fearless, stood her ground and always did the right thing. (I haven't met many who are the same) Those qualities in her attracted me but at the same time repelled me because I was flaky sometimes, and I spent my teen years rebelling and doing the wrong things.

 

You see we as guys are emotionally complex beings. It is natural for any guy to balk at the thought of marriage. Up to this point our lifes are virtually carefree and all of a sudden you have to make a decision to become responsible and adult all at the same time. Pressure will drive him away from you. The pressure nearly drove me away too. What you need to understand is that whatever is going on inside his head has nothing to do with you. It has to do with a perception of an ideal life and providing for another human being and possibly children.

 

However I do understand that the clock is ticking. You have invested a lot of time in this relationship and you should weigh your options. If he is the right guy for you he will do the right thing. He won't if you do the wrong thing. There are subtle ways to get what you want without exerting too much pressure. Direct demands are very unsettling to a guy. However you should try leading questions and statements and getting him to a point subtlety where the idea of marriage grows on him and becomes an inevitable choice that he makes.

 

Unfortunately this will take a little more time, but if you want it to work out then you may have to sacrifice more. Inevitably you may have to sacrifice the time anyway trying to start a new relationship, so what have you got to lose?

[ADL]

While I do appreciate a guys perspective and I'm glad that your girl waited for you....the excuses that you're giving don't sit comfortably with me.

 

I had started to subtly suggest the idea of marriage about 8 mths after he came back from his military tour overseas (This started in 2008!) He kept his head in the sand. Over the last 3 years Ive tried everything from leading questions to direct demands to not saying anything at all (because I know the pressure pushes it futher away). Still kept his head in the sand.

 

This has gotten to the point where Ive sacraficed way too much. Therapy and meds are one thing but for a girl to loose her pride by doing everything short of getting on her hands and knees....thats a whole different ball game. I should never gave have had to pleade for something that should be naturally given to me.

 

I dont want this to become an "inevitable choice" for him and I think its really sad that I would be expected to wait for it to "grow on him" any longer. I also dont think that this should come as any suprise to him since its been around for quite some time.

 

I gave him 6 months to figure out what he wanted. I think thats a sufficient amount of time since he should have had it figured out by then considering our situaton. I asked him what he thought would happen at the end of six months to which he replied "I didnt think about it". That speaks to me in volumes because I spelled it all out last November.

 

Its a shame if hes freaked out about "growing up and becoming responsible all at once". If this is the case I wonder what we've been doing for the last 7 years? Playing house?

 

All of that said...I get that marriage does make people say "oh god.thats official" but I think that if he saw enough value in claiming me for his forever partner...then I wouldnt have had to start this feed to begin with.

[RiverRunning]

OP, I'm sorry that some of the responses you received in this thread were snarky along the lines of, "You're demanding" or "You're putting pressure on him." It's been 7 freakin' years. IMO, any couple - as long as they're at least in their 20s when they start dating - should be married within 7 years. Statistically, it's just not going to happen after you cross the 7-year mark. This guy isn't in his early 20s. He's in his early 30s and he's got Peter Pan syndrome.

 

Move on. The writing is so very much on the wall. At 32, if you want to have children, you don't have years left to dawdle. Some of my friends' mothers had their kids into their late 30s and 40s, but that's just not very practically. Most women aren't going to have the easiest of pregnancies at 37. Generally, I know most doctors suggest women start trying for kids around 30 and finish up by 35.

 

Is this really the type of guy you want to be father to your children? He sits on his hands and he's so selfish he just wants you to give up what you want so HE can be eternally comfortable? A maid, a cook and a screw buddy all at his disposal, and he doesn't even have to marry you. How convenient for him - and how selfish.

 

The fact is that being married DOES change things. People who are commitment-phobic often want to pretend it doesn't. But taking that stand publicly shows something. Getting the rights afforded by a LEGAL marriage mean something. It is not worthless. It's an amazing display of trust when you choose to marry someone - so that they will receive your benefits from your job, will be your next of kin, etc. That's not 'just a piece of paper,' no matter how much people choose to look at it that way.

 

And most people still don't want to have children outside of wedlock - although many unfortunately do. Purposely starting a family while I'm unmarried is inconceivable to me. And I know that's the same for many other women.

 

OP, run. Please run away from this game. You haven't another year to spare on his BS.

[troublex2]

I think its a difficult decision to make but you already know what it is... unfortunately, to walk away from this relationship. Before I read your story my advice was going to be do give him an ultimatum. Don't feel bad for having done that, it's actually more common that you think but no one admits to it. For some reason, guys just won't commit if things are going along fine. But if he's actually moved out because of this issue that is not a good sign. You're right, that being 32 and having spent the last 7 yrs together is about enough. It sucks but I think you have to start looking for someone who is serious about starting a family not running back to their mommy when the going gets tough.

[ADL]

Hi ADL,

 

I'm so sorry for the significant issue you are struggling with in your relationship and for the anxiety you are experiencing because of it. My heart goes out to you. I also agree with "Carhill", about counseling. If he won't go to counseling, you could talk to a counselor yourself. It's good that you are reaching out on this forum for advice, and it also helps to talk to a licensed counselor that can offer encouragement and advice with a caring heart and a listening ear. I work for Focus on the Family, and they offer free phone Counseling Services and Referrals. I also found one of their article series on Red Flags in a Relationship that I hope will be helpful to you. Take care of yourself and you will be in my prayers!

 

Wow. Thank you...I appreciate your suggestion. We did actually attempt couples counseling. (well, we never made it through all of the sessions) I think I know myself well enough, now, that I'm okay with trying to deal with this on my own. I also have so very good people to lean on so I'm doing okay.

 

The main part that I'm struggling with is why he doesn't see the potential in a future together....and that when push came to shove he said "no". I feel decieved because he led me to believe otherwise.

 

You win some you loose some I guess. Wish I learned this earlier on. My efforts feel quite wasted at this point Unfortunate that I already knew myself pretty good, and had a clear picture of what I wanted out of my future when we began dating so long ago. So the only thing I feel like I'm walking away with was a life lesson that I already knew.

[knitwit]

You win some you loose some I guess. Wish I learned this earlier on. My efforts feel quite wasted at this point Unfortunate that I already knew myself pretty good, and had a clear picture of what I wanted out of my future when we began dating so long ago. So the only thing I feel like I'm walking away with was a life lesson that I already knew.

 

ADL, I think you have a very good head on your shoulders. You also learned that you are strong enough to walk away if necessary, and that you can take care of yourself even if it means your heart breaks. These are huge lessons that most of us only learn if they are forced upon us. You are not someone who has felt trapped or paralyzed in a difficult situation; this bodes well for you.

 

I think you made the right decision for you. Keep looking ahead. IME the great thing about dating guys in their 30s/40s is that they tend to know what they want. They know if they do or do not want a family. It becomes easier to differentiate between the players and the ones who really want to settle down. Despite the Greek Chorus you might hear on LS, there are guys out there who want to end the dating game, put down roots, get married, and have a family. Do your due diligence; you have your own experience, you can watch for red flags early on.

 

Know that the people who are courageous enough to go after their dreams tend to be ones who get to live them. Best of luck to you!

[lv1028]

You are making the right choice by walking away. He is a commitmentphobe, or he just doesn't want to get married. There was another thread on this site questioning about living together first. Unfortunately, one or both, can get really comfortable in the living arrangements, so 'why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?' Ultimatums won't work...you can demand and get a ring, but then you'll be engaged for another 10 years and still no marriage. You'll walk away and he'll come to you begging for another chance, and so the cycle starts again. If he wanted to be married, he would. Remember the scene from 'when harry met sally', when sally found out her ex live in was getting married? She said, "it's not that he didn't want to get married, he didn't want to marry me." Sad but true. If he wanted to get married, he'd go to the justice of the peace with a cigar band. Cut you losses. You deserve better. And it will come. I took my own advice recently. Besides, is it healthy to be in a relationship that is making you ill? Playing the devil's advocate, maybe you are staying in it for this long because, deep down, maybe you have a little commitmentphobia yourself? He's safe. Good luck in whatever you choose.

[Leegh]

There is a great book entitled "Getting to I Do" by Pat Allen. It was written in the 90's but it tells what to do in situations such as yours. Basically it says to back off and let him emotionally "feel" the loss of you. You can probably buy a used copy of the book on Amazon.

[zoe1983]

I came to this post a bit late and most of what I wanted to say has already been said. I also agree that you made the right decisions but I wanted to suggest one other book for you. "He's just not that into you" I know it sounds cheezy and cliche' but it seriously will give you the mindset that you need. I was in a very similar situation to you except my ex had no problem proposing...he just wimped out a month before the big day. Of course hindsight is 20/20 but I will tell you that I am now with a guy that makes me thankful every single day that my ex left me!

[samsungxoxo]

I agree that there is no need for deadlines nor ultimatums if a man really wanted to get married. He would have done it long ago already (or be the first one to talk about it without the woman reminding him) and would find a way to fix it (even if the finance is tight)... I bet he would even go against the winds/thunder to propose.

 

The OP's mistake (and what I'm seeing many women do) is moving in with a bf with the hopes that it will get serious.

 

I get the feeling that if they stopped doing that and immediately say no when he asks ''Do you want to move in with me''... then it might reduce the ''I wasted endless years and no proposal'' situation.

 

As for me, I'll never move in with a man unless I'm his fiancee with a set-up date, time and place.

Edited May 3, 2012 by samsungxoxo

[RiverRunning]

 

As for me, I'll never move in with a man unless I'm his fiancee with a set-up date, time and place.

 

I think there are upsides and downsides to both perspectives, i.e.: living together before engagement and living together post-marriage or post-proposal. I'll admit when I moved in with my ex before we were engaged, it was a trial period. But then we both started to put off that trial period's end date - me as well as him, although I'd say him moreso. Eventually, I felt like I couldn't bring up marriage at all. Every time I did it just seemed to piss him off more and more.

 

And this despite the numerous times we'd be sitting there and he'd start talking about how he couldn't wait to marry me, I was the woman for him, blah, blah, blah.

 

People will talk your ear off about that stuff, I'll find. Maybe they really feel it, maybe they really don't. But if they're not acting on it after a while, there's a good reason why: they don't want to marry YOU. Sure, they want to get married, but you sure as Hell aren't going to be in the wedding!

 

At the very least people need to find out, straight-up, WHEN the guy wants to get engaged and married. And the woman needs to hold his feet to the FIRE on whatever they decide. Or, like me, she'll end up watching that trial period go bye-bye with no end in sight.

 

Next time, though...I probably would wait until after an engagement, because throughout the trial period we had, I had that sinking feeling that he would never propose. And I was right.