ADL Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I've been with my boyfriend for just under 7 years. I have become obsessed with getting married. I've been suggesting moving to the "next step" for 3 years. I've tried everyting to switch my mind set...to realize that it's the lifetime that I want with him, so I should be happy with what I have. I've read tons of self help books/ articles, have spoken to 2 different therapists and now am on anxiety medication. I wish I could turn it off like a light switch but I just cant. Its constantly simmering on the back burner until it eventually boils over. It seems that every time reach my breaking point he "dangles the carrot" by saying things that make me thing that its right around the corner. He tells me that he loves me more than anything, that he does want to start having children and grow old with me. But he's just not on the same page with getting engaged/ married. He's always most focused on keeping his finances in order and cant bring himself to buy the ring. Its casting such a dark cloud over our relationship now that I cant stand to watch family members getting married & having children. We're both 32 and I feel like I can't wait around any longer to become a wife and mother. I do love him and the only reason that I stuck around so long is because he is an amazing person and treats me like a princess outside of the "engagement" situation. But at this point I feel like I need to give up on my dreams or leave a near perfect future with him. After trying just about everything, for years, to come to terms with this I just can't bring myself to do one or ther other. Saddly, we're at the point where he's staying at his mothers house because I've finally said "enough is enough....**** or get off the pot". I wish he could understand the toxity of this situation and just decide for himself that finally getting engaged could put this termoil to rest. Bah!!!!!
yessy21 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 You are both in your rights. He is allowed to take his time. Marriage is more than an emotional commitment. its also a financial one. Its highly expensive. He probrably already sees how crazy you are regarding the whole marriage situacion and thats pretty scary to any man. money has to be invested in it. In my opinion im 24 years old and im not signing no papers. I have seen my friends get married and i think that its ridiculous. Once your living together for 7 years, your already married. You are in your right to be upset that you have invested all this time and dont get the proposal and all that good stuff. Its most girls dreams to have that special day. You should LET IT GO. your relationship to a wonderful person is more important than wearing a dress for an expensive party that your going to have to plan. you know, you dont have to be married to have kids.
january2011 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 For some reason, he feels 'not ready'. After seven years together and at the age of 32, I think you might need to accept that he will never be ready. It may be that you might indeed be at a tipping point in your relationship. However, since he mentions his finances and the ring, do you know if it's merely the costs of a wedding that are holding him back? What are his other objections?
westrock Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Tell him (or write to him) exactly what you want, set for yourself a time line, and express it to him, and stick to it. If he can't make a decision, then you have to make a decision for yourself. Tell him this: "I want to know what you want and your timeline. What I want is to be engaged to you before the end of August, and I want to be married to you before the end of 2013. That's what I want. You have a choice, we are either on the same time line or we are not. Either way I will respect your right to choose. If you don't or can't make a choice, I will take that to mean we are not on the same time line, and I will then make the choice to move on and find someone else and so can you. Tell me now, are we on the same time line, yes or no?" This may sound like an ultimatum or pressure on him, but that is exactly what he needs after 7 years. At 32, he's not a kid anymore. He needs to make adult decisions. After this long, it's not a complicated question. Either the two of you are on the same time line or you are not. It's a yes or no answer at this stage. Anything vague such as "yes, but" or "it's not that simple" or "i'm not ready" answers is a "no". Anything short of an unqualified "yes" is a "no". 2
Author ADL Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 I'm not sure it is finances anymore...I've told him I'm willing to not even have an actual ring, and I'm quite frugal when it comes to wedding "ideas". I'm open to having a celebration with close friends & family as opposed to a full blown wedding...I'd rather it be intimate than extravagant. I cant explain even to myself why I need to be married. My parents have been together for 33 years withoug being married. Growing up I had always wished they were. But for me, I think I look at it like an acomplishment after the "bumps in the road"...the biggest being me supporing his military career. I stood by him during his tour in overseas and deal with him having to go away. I do know how crazy this sounds....I tell myself all the time. I dont know why my mind wont stay where I tell it to go. It aways gravitates back to this need (want, or desire...what ever it is)
yessy21 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 WHy dont YOU PROPOSE? you will find your answer of wether or not he wants to if he says yes or no 2
january2011 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 It sounds like you've already examined this in great detail, both with him and by yourself. I don't think that any further discussion about this will necessarily move you both forward. He's probably feeling enough pressure as it is and I gather his staying with his mum was the result of some exchange that had the tone of an ultimatum. It may be that you will have to set an internal deadline and if nothing changes by then, be prepared to walk. Or things will come to a head when you next see/speak to him.
Author ADL Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 I did set a timeline 6 months ago. We're at the end of that now, hence him being at his mothers house. My proposing to him was also brought up in conversation (I didnt actually do it) and he said he'd be offended because he sees it happing in more of a traditional way. After 6 months and no plans on his end, I know I should stay firm on my decision. Its hard though because in the end I want what I already have. Guess I want to have my cake and eat it too. Not so sure that's unreasonable at this age and 7 years in. It would be easier if he said "i cannot give that to you".... Wish you could by real, strong patience in a store. What a mess!! If I sound annoying to all of you....imagine what I sound like to myself...self-awareness certainly isn't a weak spot for me.
carhill Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Since marriage, or not, is a big issue in an intimate personal relationship, you currently have an incompatibility on that big issue. It may or may not be reconcilable. As a practical matter, compared to 'having children and growing old together', buying a ring is inconsequential monetarily. It's nothing. Mega-meaningful to someone who values the symbol, sure, but beyond that just a speck of sand on the beach of lifetime costs of being a family. I'll recommend couple's counseling. You've been together longer than some marriages. Perhaps you and he can find some middle ground here or communicate clearly what each person's perspective is and accept whatever results, or create an acceptable and meaningful timeline to 'spending the rest of your lives together with your children', or decide this current incompatibility is irreconcilable. Lots of options. Lots of choices. That he is staying, at your request, at his mother's house is a canary worth observing, presuming you were living together prior. This is, apparently, a sort of 'separation'. Give the counseling a shot. If he refuses, yet continues to live at his mother's house, I wouldn't give any movement on this issue much confidence. As our MC opined, you have a decision to make. Good luck.
carhill Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 OP, if you chose to enforce your timeline and he didn't budge and you ended this tomorrow, what's the worst possible thing that could happen in your life because of that choice? What's the best possible thing? Same for not enforcing your timeline and remaining in the status quo. Balance those dynamics with the rest of your life and weigh the respective values.
westrock Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) After 6 months and no plans on his end, I know I should stay firm on my decision. He needs to know that if he doesn't act soon he will lose you and you are serious. Up to now he thought that you will never leave him. Stay firm on your decision so he knows you are serious. Don't accept anything less than a proposal, ring, and date. After 7 years, he has to make the choice now. Its hard though because in the end I want what I already have. Is that true? You want the committment of marriage and you don't have that and you're getting sick over it to the point you need medication. Guess I want to have my cake and eat it too. Not so sure that's unreasonable at this age and 7 years in. If anything he wants all the benefits of marriage with you but without marriage - sounds like it is him who wants to have his cake and eat it too. Wanting to get married is not unreasonable. You are 100% entitled to want to get married. But he's also 100% entitled to not want to get married but if that's the case the two of you are on different pages. It would be easier if he said "i cannot give that to you".... Aren't his actions essentially saying that? Edited April 20, 2012 by westrock
setsenia Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 The answer sounds obvious to me and you shouldn't have to accept something you don't want. Obviously marriage is a deal-breaker to you if you cannot think about anything else to the point you are taking medication. You say everything is perfect right now, but is it if you are sick over not being able to get married? This will usually lead to resentment in the long run and if marriage is that important to you, you should give him the ultimatum and if he doesn't want to get married, you should find someone who does share the same beliefs. 7 Years together is enough to know whether or not you want to be married. At this point, you need to sit down and ask him is marriage plans are in the near future. It sounds like he's not conceding.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I did set a timeline 6 months ago. We're at the end of that now, hence him being at his mothers house. My proposing to him was also brought up in conversation (I didnt actually do it) and he said he'd be offended because he sees it happing in more of a traditional way. After 6 months and no plans on his end, I know I should stay firm on my decision. Its hard though because in the end I want what I already have. Guess I want to have my cake and eat it too. Not so sure that's unreasonable at this age and 7 years in. It would be easier if he said "i cannot give that to you".... Wish you could by real, strong patience in a store. What a mess!! If I sound annoying to all of you....imagine what I sound like to myself...self-awareness certainly isn't a weak spot for me. Unfortuantely I don't think he wants to get married. If he did, he wouldn't be at his mother's right now and he wouldn't have waited out the "timeline." Heck, there wouldn't have had to be a timeline in the first place! I think he has a fear of committment, it sounds like he is okay with talking about it and he probably does want to get married IN THEORY, but the actual act of buying a ring and exchanging vows is too frightening for him. It really sounds like you have done everything you can at this point. Time to cut your losses. It will be hard to let go of the relationship, but you deserve to be with someone who wants the same thing as you and who can give you everything that you want. This guy can't do that... 1
FitChick Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 If you were both younger and had only been dating three years or so, I might say give him more time, but in your thirties, together for seven years, I think your relationship has peaked and is on the downhill slide. Since you want to have kids, time is especially important for you. Cut your losses and look for someone who wants what you want.
MissBee Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 (edited) Unfortuantely I don't think he wants to get married. If he did, he wouldn't be at his mother's right now and he wouldn't have waited out the "timeline." Heck, there wouldn't have had to be a timeline in the first place! I think he has a fear of committment, it sounds like he is okay with talking about it and he probably does want to get married IN THEORY, but the actual act of buying a ring and exchanging vows is too frightening for him. It really sounds like you have done everything you can at this point. Time to cut your losses. It will be hard to let go of the relationship, but you deserve to be with someone who wants the same thing as you and who can give you everything that you want. This guy can't do that... I agree with this! For many commitment phobes they can live together indefinitely but avoid marriage as that level of commitment is scarier to them and they feel like they will have no way out. As carhill said, this is obviously a big incompatibility between you two. Whether or not other people don't believe in marriage etc isn't the point. We're all entitled to believe and desire what we want, and have partners who are compatible with that desire. If you want kids for example, and someone does not, I don't think it makes any sense to suck it up and continue being with them because other stuff is good if the kid issue really eats at you and you're unhappy. Likewise if marriage is a step that is important and you're with someone who could care less about it and it eats you up....then you should not feel like you have to settle for what THEY want. I do think couple's counseling could help you guys to figure out if commitment issues are here and if this is a fork in the road where you either can work it out or realize you don't want the same things and can move on to eventually find people more suited to your desires. Edited April 21, 2012 by MissBee
crazylove Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 When do you both want to start a family and is it important to you that you're married before you have children? Is that maybe what is bothering you so much about this?
PlumPrincess Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 For some reason, he feels 'not ready'. After seven years together and at the age of 32, I think you might need to accept that he will never be ready. It may be that you might indeed be at a tipping point in your relationship. However, since he mentions his finances and the ring, do you know if it's merely the costs of a wedding that are holding him back? What are his other objections? I do think that sometimes people are a bit too anxious to get married while they are still so young, but after such a long time and at your age (since you want to have kids together), I think you do have a problem in your relationship if your partner doesn't want to marry. I would waste no more time begging and delving into self-analysis. Ask him if he wants to have children with you. If the answer is not positive and he has a plan for the near future, leave. Otherwise you will be wasting your childbearing years. 1
PlumPrincess Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I hope he is not a mommy's boy. Somehow I find the fact that he is staying at his mother's house a bit fishy. Any reasonable mother would tell her son to grow up and take a decision. It seem to me that he either has a problem with commitment or he is leading you on.
Snow-white Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Mention every now and then the topic "marriage". I got my marriage proposal in the 7th year...
Author ADL Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 Thanks everyone. I've taken all of the advice into consideration. We're supposed to have "the talk" today. I'm not confident that it wont go back to the same conversation that we have always had in the past: I need to know that my dreams/hopes will finally be addressed before I can be fully happy again and he needs to feel that we're in a happy place before he's comfortable asking me to marry him. (Aries vs. Taurus) Either way...I am at my breaking point and I can't continue in this relationship feeling like I do. 3 years is way too long for this to be hovering...It's gotten to a very unhealthy place and it can't get swept under the rug again. We'll see.....
oldshirt Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 If he wanted to marry you all the kings horses and all the kings men would not be able to keep him from doing so. When a man is in love and wants to have a home and family with a woman that he believes is "the one," he will buy a diamond engagement ring and get down on one knee and propose and he will ask her daddy for his approval to marry his daughter and he will do it willingly and without batting an eye. Men will crawl through twisted metal, broken glass and rusty thumbtacks to be with the woman they love. They will jump in front of a bullet to keep them from being shot, they will run into a burning building to save them and they will do all of those things without having to pressured, manipulated, begged or given ultimatums. When men are in love and want to be with a woman and he believes in his heart that she is "the one," he will strive to be with her and provide her a home and family even though all his friends and family advise him that she isn't right for him and point out all the legitimate, objective reasons why they aren't right for each other. He will believe rightly or wrongly that love conquers all and he will follow his heart even if he is wrong and it is the worst mistake of his life. Is your guy doing any of those things?????????? If he isn't then he doesn't think you are "the one" otherwise he would have done all those things 6 years ago. You two are adults and you each are self-aware and know what you want and know what you need to do to achieve it. If he wanted to marry you, he knows what he would have to do in order to achieve it. You know what you want in life and you know what you have to do to achieve it as well. 1
SandieBeach Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 (edited) I did set a timeline 6 months ago. We're at the end of that now, hence him being at his mothers house. My proposing to him was also brought up in conversation (I didnt actually do it) and he said he'd be offended because he sees it happing in more of a traditional way. After 6 months and no plans on his end, I know I should stay firm on my decision. Its hard though because in the end I want what I already have. Guess I want to have my cake and eat it too. Not so sure that's unreasonable at this age and 7 years in. It would be easier if he said "i cannot give that to you".... Wish you could by real, strong patience in a store. What a mess!! If I sound annoying to all of you....imagine what I sound like to myself...self-awareness certainly isn't a weak spot for me. If you want what you already have, then you should probably act like it. On the other hand, if you give an ultimatum, be ready to follow through, otherwise your boyfriend will know that you're just being dramatic without intending to ever leave. We used to have a few couple friends who went through that - the woman always nagging about getting married, and the dude stalling (for whatever reason). I kind of understood the women's perspective, but my husband (boyfriend at the time) commented on how much of a turn-off it was when a girl kept nagging, because after the guy finally proposes, he would never feel like it was his own special idea. I remember feeling a little frustrated myself during our 5 years of dating (4 of living together). I actually didn't care about getting married, BUT what bothered me was that he wasn't jumping at the opportunity to be married to me (I know, a total drama queen). I didn't bring this up to him, except that on our 5-year anniversary, I planned a weekend away, took him to see his favorite musician, and was completely convinced he was going to pop the question!!! To make the matters worse, he completely FORGOT that it was our anniversary! I was so PO-ed and let him know it. Anyway, after that weekend was completely ruined , I didn't mention the engagement thing, but was still extremely annoyed. I knew that he hated to be nagged, but at the same time, I felt that if I brought it up so many times, when he finally proposed, I would feel that he did it b/c he was pressured. About 5-6 months later, he planned the most amazing weekend and his proposal was a fairy tale. It could not have been more perfect. To top that off, I felt that he proposed because he truly wanted to marry me, and not because I pressured him. Of course, fast forward 4 years later, he cheated on me, and that story is somewhere on the Sweet-Romantic-Husbands-Gone-A**holes . But don't let me ruin the party - marriages are great Edited April 22, 2012 by SandieBeach Spelling
PlumPrincess Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 If you want what you already have, then you should probably act like it. On the other hand, if you give an ultimatum, be ready to follow through, otherwise your boyfriend will know that you're just being dramatic without intending to ever leave. We used to have a few couple friends who went through that - the woman always nagging about getting married, and the dude stalling (for whatever reason). I kind of understood the women's perspective, but my husband (boyfriend at the time) commented on how much of a turn-off it was when a girl kept nagging, because after the guy finally proposes, he would never feel like it was his own special idea. I remember feeling a little frustrated myself during our 5 years of dating (4 of living together). I actually didn't care about getting married, BUT what bothered me was that he wasn't jumping at the opportunity to be married to me (I know, a total drama queen). I didn't bring this up to him, except that on our 5-year anniversary, I planned a weekend away, took him to see his favorite musician, and was completely convinced he was going to pop the question!!! To make the matters worse, he completely FORGOT that it was our anniversary! I was so PO-ed and let him know it. Anyway, after that weekend was completely ruined , I didn't mention the engagement thing, but was still extremely annoyed. I knew that he hated to be nagged, but at the same time, I felt that if I brought it up so many times, when he finally proposed, I would feel that he did it b/c he was pressured. About 5-6 months later, he planned the most amazing weekend and his proposal was a fairy tale. It could not have been more perfect. To top that off, I felt that he proposed because he truly wanted to marry me, and not because I pressured him. Of course, fast forward 4 years later, he cheated on me, and that story is somewhere on the Sweet-Romantic-Husbands-Gone-A**holes . But don't let me ruin the party - marriages are great You're kind of confirming that you guys were not a good match and I do believe that a hesitation or unwillingness to marry someone should not be cast aside lightly. And in the case of the OP, if I were in her place, I'd break up with my boyfriend. This is just a huge waste of time.
SandieBeach Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 You're kind of confirming that you guys were not a good match and I do believe that a hesitation or unwillingness to marry someone should not be cast aside lightly. And in the case of the OP, if I were in her place, I'd break up with my boyfriend. This is just a huge waste of time. I'm neither confirming nor denying we were a good match. We are what we are. Even when someone can't wait to marry his/her significant other, it's just as likely one person in the relationship will screw up.
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