beenburned Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 TJ, What happened when you told her? Is her H a serial cheater?
NotCamelot Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 I should have posted this awhile ago but I did in fact rat him out. She wished I would have contacted her sooner. Thanks to all for the support and advice. Tim And how did it go? What did your W say, if she knows? Have either of you heard from OM about it? I'm glad you did. He deserved whatever he had coming. Within minutes of getting my proof, I was on the phone with the OM.....He told me, "I don't give a s**t what you do, buddy." and hung up. Next call was to my wife....lasted about 40 seconds, she hung up. Next call was to his wife, less than 4 minutes after I called him. I created quite a huge s**tstorm in less than 10 minutes. Of course, I had hardcore proof, no guesses. I felt that I did the right thing. Later my W told me that if I had not done things the way I did, she would have been gone. She said that I proved that I really did love her and want her......and she really respected me even more for what I did. I hope things are working for you. Update? 1
Author Tim_Jones Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 And how did your wife react to this? I would presume that if her affair was continuing underground you have just added pressure from the other end. Did she have any reaction to suggest this? She was upset... obviously because she has to live with the damage she did to that marriage and also upset worried about her job. She started looking for another job despite me saying nothing would come of it. Months later now I think she has gotten over that fear of being fired. She was mainly upset with me for the detail I gave in the email to the other wife. But my purpose was to give as much detail as I had so she knew I was telling her the truth. Apparently he admitted it to her after she showed him the email which is all I wanted to happen. It was over last fall... I do know that. The logistics of where he was (hours away and across the border) made this not so easy to continue even if she wanted to. She used to go there for work which is why this was convenient for her and made her feel like it was safe from me finding out. She fessed up to everything a few months ago as to when it started. So now we are just trying to move forward. Just trying to deal with everything that happened and the visuals that don't seem to want to go away.
Author Tim_Jones Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 TJ, What happened when you told her? Is her H a serial cheater? I suspect he is from how this went down and how he initiated it but she was totally clueless. But now she's not. She said they are working through it.
Artie Lang Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 nice job, Tim. this exposure needed to be done. people need to be held accountable for their actions. your wife has a lot of hard work to do before gaining your trust back. make her work for it. no free passes. 1
road Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 I am glad that you exposed to OMW. However there is much of a chance for this affair to restart with the WW and OM still working for the same company. WW must leave that job today. I have seen many afairs in this situation restart with th AP's being more carefull to not be caught a second time. What have you done to verfiy NC between the WW and the OM? Also did your WW ever tell you the whole story. Most likely not. So I recommend that you have WW take a polygraph test. What happens is that once a WW learns about the up coming test and just before they have to go take the test they trickle truth a little more to make you think that they finally told all. In the hope that you will cancel the polygraph. Don't be fooled.
drifter777 Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 She was upset... obviously because she has to live with the damage she did to that marriage and also upset worried about her job. She started looking for another job despite me saying nothing would come of it. Months later now I think she has gotten over that fear of being fired. She was mainly upset with me for the detail I gave in the email to the other wife. But my purpose was to give as much detail as I had so she knew I was telling her the truth. Apparently he admitted it to her after she showed him the email which is all I wanted to happen. It was over last fall... I do know that. The logistics of where he was (hours away and across the border) made this not so easy to continue even if she wanted to. She used to go there for work which is why this was convenient for her and made her feel like it was safe from me finding out. She fessed up to everything a few months ago as to when it started. So now we are just trying to move forward. Just trying to deal with everything that happened and the visuals that don't seem to want to go away. The chances that hoping time will heal this is near zero. There's no magic. If you do not confront your feelings now in IC and MC this thing will fester in your heart and mind for a long, long time. Save yourself a ton of agony down the road and meet this thing head on.
SidLyon Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 (edited) ... Any advise??? Specifically from woman who found out about an affair long after... would you have wanted to know?? Is it my business to mess up their marriage?? Any advise would be appreciated. "Tim" I'm a BW who found out long after (ie about 7 years after the A started and about 3 years after it was supposedly over). I'm also in my mid 50s. I would have so appreciated it if someone had the "courage" to tell me a the time it was happening. By the time I found out the MOW's own BH had just died, so he went to his death unknowing of how his wife had betrayed him many times with my H and others. I have no way of knowing now whether he would have wanted to know or not, but I believe it's been difficult for his parents and children knowing their daughter-in-law/mother was betraying their son/father. My advice is to tell her but not warn your wife. In the end most people don't lose their jobs although it may cause them temporary (but well-deserved) embarrassment at work. Edited to add: Oops I just read the rest of the thread. Edited August 15, 2012 by SidLyon
Author Tim_Jones Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 I am glad that you exposed to OMW. However there is much of a chance for this affair to restart with the WW and OM still working for the same company. WW must leave that job today. I have seen many afairs in this situation restart with th AP's being more carefull to not be caught a second time. What have you done to verfiy NC between the WW and the OM? Also did your WW ever tell you the whole story. Most likely not. So I recommend that you have WW take a polygraph test. What happens is that once a WW learns about the up coming test and just before they have to go take the test they trickle truth a little more to make you think that they finally told all. In the hope that you will cancel the polygraph. Don't be fooled. Its not the same company but was an ethics thing due to his high ranking military position. He's since moved 600 miles away and is overseas most of the time now. Also she has told me when it started in detail... a month after they met which I knew about the meeting. She offered other details also that I didn't know about. There could be some detail in between but honestly that really doesn't matter now. I don't need to know any more at this point. I have enough going through my head to deal with now. I knew she was lying only admitting to what I found out for myself so now at least I know what it was from the beginning.
Author Tim_Jones Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 (edited) The chances that hoping time will heal this is near zero. There's no magic. If you do not confront your feelings now in IC and MC this thing will fester in your heart and mind for a long, long time. Save yourself a ton of agony down the road and meet this thing head on. I've been on some mild AD meds for a couple months now and they seem to help me get through the day at work which is the hardest time. Being alone with time to think usually sends my mood south in a hurry. Unfortunately I'm not only dealing with WHAT she did but there were a couple of occasions of WHEN she did it that are especially painful. She also had her best friend involved covering for her on one of the "occasions". I am going to IC myself and is helpful. Lately I've been distant with her but its just a coping thing I think. When I let myself get close to her and feel good about things (usually on the weekends when we're together) as soon as Monday roles around I hit that brick wall again. Somehow keeping distant lessens the pain. She has been crying a lot at night afraid I'm going to leave. I know she is trying to do everything she can now to save this marriage. This thing she had with this guy was definitely not due to a lack of anything at home and certainly wasn't an attraction thing... trust me. She got caught up with who he was... his position of power I think. Edited August 16, 2012 by Tim_Jones
road Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 She also had her best friend involved covering for her on one of the "occasions". Your WW needs to go NC with that friend as well.
drifter777 Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 I've been on some mild AD meds for a couple months now and they seem to help me get through the day at work which is the hardest time. Being alone with time to think usually sends my mood south in a hurry. Unfortunately I'm not only dealing with WHAT she did but there were a couple of occasions of WHEN she did it that are especially painful. She also had her best friend involved covering for her on one of the "occasions". I am going to IC myself and is helpful. Lately I've been distant with her but its just a coping thing I think. When I let myself get close to her and feel good about things (usually on the weekends when we're together) as soon as Monday roles around I hit that brick wall again. Somehow keeping distant lessens the pain. She has been crying a lot at night afraid I'm going to leave. I know she is trying to do everything she can now to save this marriage. This thing she had with this guy was definitely not due to a lack of anything at home and certainly wasn't an attraction thing... trust me. She got caught up with who he was... his position of power I think. I think you should stop rationalizing what she did and her current efforts to "make things better". Her crying is simply a manipulative thing designed to keep you hanging in there for her own personal reasons (money, ego, whatever). Is she in IC? Are the two of you in MC? Are you satisfied with your IC? Look, counseling and getting in touch with your real emotions regarding all of this is hard to do. We, especially guys, are programmed to keep a stiff upper lip and tough your way through the traumatic events of our lives. I know you're not going to figure all this out in a few days, but I would advise you to focus on how you feel (disgusted, angry, sad, etc.) and the things that trigger it during your IC sessions. Really try to get into this in every session as I think it will help you get into the heart of all this. Try it.
Recommended Posts