96nole Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 At least. She was very meticulous. She save them in PDF files...all in chronological order. Wow. Not to hijack this thread but what happened. Are you guys working it out or is it over?
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 The Harley's (His Needs Her Needs author) recommend exposing the A immediately. Finances would be one of the reasons though that you might not. From the accounts I've seen, boss\employee A's haven't really shown this problem. Either way, they SHOULD NOT be working together. This is an important thing to fix. I came here with a similar question, the answer was a resounding TELL HER!!!! I told, and I don't regret it at all. It will help move things along, but the primary reason I understood to do it was she has a right to know. I choose to deliver and envelope into her hands during the work day while her H was @ work. There was a cover letter that said, "Your H has done something very hurtful. You do not have to read this, but I wanted to give you the opportunity". On the inside on the first page I explained that an affair had taken place with my WW and gave all my contact info. I withheld details until the later pages telling her that she could either read it, or call me and ask questions to find out only the parts she wanted to know. I also explained it's better to hear from her H than anyone else. Oh I also encouraged OM to tell before I did, I didn't necessarily tell him I was going to tell if he didn't but I hinted at it. Many would disagree with giving OM any warning at all because he could sabotage things.
Binster Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Listen mate the guys on here arent always right in what they say. But when every one agrees like this - just do it and F to what happens to your wife. Youll feel better and you may just get some respect from her. 1
nofool4u Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Is it my business to mess up their marriage?? Any advise would be appreciated. "Tim" Your exposure of the affair isn't what will mess up their marriage, its the fact she is married to a cheater that messed it up. And yes, she deserves to know what he is doing to her. And if he is able to get away with it, the chances are more than good that he'll screw her over again, and again. So yes, rat him out.
Artie Lang Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) either way, she can't keep working with him. she must go NC. still.....HIS WIFE DESERVES TO KNOW!!! you are being selfish by keeping this vital information to yourself, for the sake of protecting your wife. she compromised her "good" standing as soon as she crossed the line into infidelity. like i said before--ALL BETS ARE OFF! Edited April 20, 2012 by Artie Lang
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 The only problem is.... which I didn't mention.... is that my wife could get fired from her job if they find out... and I don't know how the woman would react and if she would go that far or not. Although I could get him fired also. He has more to lose that way than my wife. That is the main reason I haven't done anything. I have kids to think about. Also we are trying to work through this... she is remorseful and is obviously trying to do whatever she can to make up for this. So what. That's a consquence that your wife has to face by having the affair at work. Sorry, but tough sh.it. She should QUIT that job anyway if you two are working on the marriage. Do you want her anywhere near MM at work? Even if the A is completely over, they will still see one another and have eye contact, feed ego's and feelings..Even if nothing happens between them again, them working in the same place is NOT GOOD for your marriage. How can you trust her that it IS over if she sees him daily at work? Tell MM's wife, she deserves to know the truth. Be kind, be respectful towards her, be a friend/ear if need be .. Be compassionate and whatever you do, don't think 'revenge' or 'out to get MM' by telling the truth. This is more like if the roles were reversed and she was about the tell you the truth, you'd probably prefer to have her tell you out of respect and honour rather than it being revenge and out to get your wife. Right?
stillafool Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Your wife's job doesn't have to find out about it. Deliver the info to OM's wife at a place other than her job. Find out where she lives or works and tell her there. Also you will probably find out more things your wife was hiding. What is your wife's reaction to your telling OM's wife? That will tell you alot.
Artie Lang Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 What is your wife's reaction to your telling OM's wife? That will tell you alot. a BS should never tell a WS he/she is going to expose. the guilty parties will only spin the details. they will try and get their stories "straight" in order to minimize the affair as "just friends." 4
Darren Steez Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 The only problem is.... which I didn't mention.... is that my wife could get fired from her job if they find out... and I don't know how the woman would react and if she would go that far or not. Although I could get him fired also. He has more to lose that way than my wife. That is the main reason I haven't done anything. I have kids to think about. Also we are trying to work through this... she is remorseful and is obviously trying to do whatever she can to make up for this. She's remorseful? After refusing to admit it, after going going to a hotel THREE time (that you know of) and she's remorseful? no buddy she's not remorseful, it's just damage control because she got caught and she knows you'll more than likely to forgive her because let's face it, you will. Don't bother trying to rat out other man, just go back to your wife and pretend it's all ok now you're holding this over her head.
Artie Lang Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Don't bother trying to rat out other man, just go back to your wife and pretend it's all ok now you're holding this over her head. you're being sarcastic, right?
Damia Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I think you should tell his wife. Maybe if affairs were not kept so quiet the shame would make people think a little more before they started one??
Lostinlife4now Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Oh this thread really hits home for me. I am been fighting and fighting with the fact that xmm W should know what he has been doing for the last 8 years......But he always said to me...IF YOU EVER HURT MY KIDS BY TELLING MY W (how can you hurt my kids) DUH!!!!! ..I have nothing to lose...I am single, own my own business and friends know about him..... Not that she would EVER divorce him or her...They are the type that STAY for the sake of the children NO MATTER WHAT!!!! They put on the pretty facade of the HAPPY FAMILY....and no one knows any better. He is protecting her and his kids....no matter what!!! But personally, I think she should know he is a POS. She would make his life a living hell if she ever knew....do I really want to do that to him or for that matter her? I am just somewhat amiss at what he has gotten away with for so long!!! Can't understand it??? Is she that stupid or in denial? Or is their M a solid one? He can compartmentalize very well...... Help!
Lostinlife4now Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 You were helping the "POS" lie and deceive all that time and NOW you think she should know? While I think you should absolutely tell his wife, the motive for an OW telling the BS after the fact is a little different than a BS telling another BS. One in genuine and the other . . . well . . . it's self-serving and "fake." Self-serving and fake??? Hmmmm..........A little harsh..don't you think? No matter what words you use, I think she has the "RIGHT TO KNOW"!
woinlove Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Self-serving and fake??? Hmmmm..........A little harsh..don't you think? No matter what words you use, I think she has the "RIGHT TO KNOW"! I always advocate for honesty, but one problem with the AP or xAP finally telling the BS, is whether they will be believed. After all, they were involved in deception and in your case, for a very long time. What has changed that their word would be trustworthy? So, I think for an AP to tell the truth, it is best to have hard, indisputable evidence. After 8 years, that should not be any problem. However, you might want to look a bit deeper than the BW's right to know, since for so many years, you were not concerned about her rights by marriage. After all, you will need to live with your actions and decisions, so best to try to understand those, for your own sake. For the BW's sake, I agree she should have the truth. Were a BS to be a very good friend of mine and I found out about the betrayal, I would tell the BS out of compassion. I've had to do so once in my life and have no regrets on that - it was the right thing to do. For you, how you will be able to look back on things may be quite different. As to the OP, I think one BS informing the other BS is the right thing to do and can serve many purposes, giving someone information that affects their lives so they can make an informed choice as well as making it less likely the A will continue on secretly.
analystfromhell Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 The other guy's wife may or may not already know about her husband- the stories here and my life experience would make me bet this is not his first affair nor his last- if HE has anything to do with it. Your marriage was likely just one more casualty along the way. In my case, I took all the conversations, all the records I had, put them in an envelope and mailed it to the other guy's wife. I didn't explain other than than to note at the top of the rather large pile of documents "these were between your husband and my wife" and put my email below that. In my case, there was a smattering of anger involved as the affair was still ongoing. In your case, it seems the only honest and right thing to do. If the other guy's wife is in the dark, she truly deserves to know the truth. As hurt as she may feel, that hurt will be caused by her husband's actions, not yours in anyway. Creating as much truth and honesty as we can is our civil duty. Who knows what the result to their relationship will be- whatever happens she'll be better informed and maybe it will help them work through the very significant issues which have obviously sabotaged their marriage and nearly destroyed yours as well. So please, please put together that package and send it off- for your marriages sake, to help avoid other affairs on the OM's part and for her (the BS) good as well.
YellowShark Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Be advised that it may not go as planned. I caught my EX and a good married friend in-the-act and told his wife to her face the very next day. Her response was "Lemme go home and talk to _____________." Well never ever heard from her again. In fact they all went out for dinner a week later like nothing happened. To this day they are all still "friends" and socialize together. I don't know what transpired, whether scumball husband gaslit her, whether she was in total denial, or whether she and her scumball husband have this open relationship thing and don't give a flying crap about the BS - (me!) Whatever it was I told her and nothing came of it. My life was ruined and they'all didn't blink an eye. So beware that your "revenge" may be completely fruitless. Either way, tell her and be done with it. Just don't think it will give you any sort of closure.
Author Tim_Jones Posted April 21, 2012 Author Posted April 21, 2012 Thanks for all the advise! I appreciate it all. Tim
whichwayisup Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Self-serving and fake??? Hmmmm..........A little harsh..don't you think? No matter what words you use, I think she has the "RIGHT TO KNOW"! The thing is, you knew he was married with kids from day ONE of your affair. For EIGHT years, you had an affair and telling his wife never entered your mind UNTIL your A ended. Now that it's over, all of a sudden you have a huge concern for his wife? Feel the need to tell her what her dear hubby has been up to behind her back for nearly a decade? If you tell her, OWN YOUR PART in it. DO NOT put ALL of this on her husband. You were a very willing affair partner for 8 years, so again, own your part in the affair, apologize to her for helping him cheat and betray her. 4
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 In my case I was very glad I told. Didn't necessarily fix things...but it's given me some piece of mind.
Artie Lang Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 YellowShark, you're situation is very unique. it boggles the mind. as you've stated, they may have an "open" relationship, because the BS's reaction is extremely bizarre. nonetheless, the BS should be informed of the affair, come what may.
YellowShark Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 YellowShark, you're situation is very unique. it boggles the mind. as you've stated, they may have an "open" relationship, because the BS's reaction is extremely bizarre. nonetheless, the BS should be informed of the affair, come what may. I informed her - (scumball's wife) - the very next day. She went home and never said a word to me again. That was two years ago. To this day I have never received an apology or any real sign of remorse from scumball, my EX, or scumball's wife. My "spider sense" tells me scumball and wife have some sort of arrangement where he gets to screw around and to hell with whom ever they drive a bus over. Took me a long time to process and accept that possibility. That said I am glad all 3 are out of my life and black-holed for eternity. And here's my advice to the OP, Tim. She may have dumped you Tim, but she's dumped you into a huge pool of eligible women. Frankly I am having waaaaay more fun now than in the 7 years with my lying, cheating EX. 1
Artie Lang Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 My "spider sense" tells me scumball and wife have some sort of arrangement where he gets to screw around and to hell with whom ever they drive a bus over. Took me a long time to process and accept that possibility. if what you say is true- they are still f*cking around -I'm sure this is the case. you never know.....maybe the whole gang is bangin' her now, given they don't seem to mind. it's obvious that your ex-wife is into some kinkiy *****! btw-- is this ***** still going on? is this guy some kind of Don Juan?
In Like Flynn Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 she is remorseful and is obviously trying to do whatever she can to make up for this. Really....why only admit to only that which you can prove? The only way to truly begin to reconcile is start at the truth. Also tell the wife of OM!!!
Author Tim_Jones Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 I should have posted this awhile ago but I did in fact rat him out. She wished I would have contacted her sooner. Thanks to all for the support and advice. Tim 2
GLDheart Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 I should have posted this awhile ago but I did in fact rat him out. She wished I would have contacted her sooner. Thanks to all for the support and advice. Tim And how did your wife react to this? I would presume that if her affair was continuing underground you have just added pressure from the other end. Did she have any reaction to suggest this?
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