Tim_Jones Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 My wife had an affair. I found out on my own little by little from her iphone files. She denied it for 3 months until the evidence was overwhelming and she could not deny any longer. She only admitted to what I found out on my own which was 3 hotel visits with this guy. Obviously I worry about how long it went on for. The man is considerably older than her and his wife is 5 years older yet. I knew of him when they met and that they were acquaintances through work. I have talked to this guy a couple times over the months that I was finding little details. Innocent emails at first.. then phone records... of course he just said they were just friends. Even after she admitted to the affair and I spoke with him he still denied it. I was just trying to find out when it started but he would not admit anything. I have not exposed the affair to his wife. But I want to!!! I want him to pay for what he's done to me. For the emotional damage I'm living with now. He basically is walking away scott-free with only memories of his fun with my wife. Of course that just makes it worse for me. I know my reasons for wanting to rat him out are driven emotionally and not rationally. But at the same time... does his wife deserve to know... would she want to know???? She is approaching 60 ... my wife is the same age as her son so I know that fact will not sit well with her. The affair ended 8 months ago. Any advise??? Specifically from woman who found out about an affair long after... would you have wanted to know?? Is it my business to mess up their marriage?? Any advise would be appreciated. "Tim"
SomedayDig Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 My wife had an affair as well. When I confronted the xOM on the phone I told him he had two choices: Go tell his wife right now what had happened or she'd get the email I had just sent while we were on the phone. He begged me to take it back because he had a family (ummm...so did I). F that. She deserves to know what kind of POS she's married to. I know the whole "I don't wanna mess up their marriage", but did he kind of f_ck yours up? 8
Author Tim_Jones Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Thanks for the reply. That's exactly how I'm feeling.
Artie Lang Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) I know my reasons for wanting to rat him out are driven emotionally and not rationally. doesn't matter-- his wife deserves to know the truth. look, some people will tell you not to do it out of revenge or spite, but you know what-- tough *****. he shouldn't have been screwing someone else's wife. when a person does this sort of thing ALL BETS ARE OFF! he had no sense of decency, so now he must bear the brunt of exposure. listen.....if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to be informed? don't let him, nor your wife, know you're gonna expose him. cheaters have a tendency to do some damage control by spinning the story and making you out to be some crazy, jealous husband. gather your evidence(e-mail, texts, receipts, wife's confession), so you have proof of your accusations. he won't be able to squirm his way out with all the damaging proof. Edited April 20, 2012 by Artie Lang 3
standtall Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I have not exposed the affair to his wife. But I want to!!! I want him to pay for what he's done to me. For the emotional damage I'm living with now. I know my reasons for wanting to rat him out are driven emotionally and not rationally. But at the same time... does his wife deserve to know... would she want to know???? S She is 100% entitled to the truth. Tell her based on that and that alone..if you feel good about it for your own reasons, keep that to yourself. 1
Author Tim_Jones Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) listen.....if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to be informed? Yes I think I would want to know. Thanks. Thanks everyone for the responses. Edited April 20, 2012 by Tim_Jones
findingnemo Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Tell the BW. You don't have to wonder why you're doing it or whether you secretly wish the OM harm. Just tell her so that the OM has something else to concentrate on while you sort things out with your W. Tell her so that she has a chance to know the reality of her life. Tell her so that the OM gets to squirm when he's confronted. So many reasons... I would tell her because it's the truth and when the two engaged in an A they fully expected that being found out would have huge consequences. I wouldn't wonder about the whys. Put it all out in the open and let the chips fall where they may. 2
96nole Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Tell her!!! F**k him. Last year when my wife cheated on me for the first time, I called the OM and told him (OK, I screamed at him) to get away from my wife. He said to me "I don't give a f**k about you bro" I guarantee your wife's OM doesn't give a f**k about you either. He's laughing thinking he got away with getting a piece of your wife's a** and doesn't have to pay the consequences. Make the bastard pay. YOU ARE!! 2
Woggle Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I would tell her. He helped to screw up your life so repay the favor. 1
bentnotbroken Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I told him, only to find out he was looking for a way to tell me. TELL SOON. 2
Bryanp Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Tim, First you and your wife need to get tested for STD's. It is a bad sign that she did not confess and has only admitted what you have found. You can be sure that it is probably just the tip of the iceberg. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so forgiving and accepting as you have been? What made your wife feel that it was acceptable to betray you and your marriage in such a humiliating and disrespectful way? Why was she willing to risk her marriage in such a way? Is it possible that she felt even if she was caught you would still forgive her anyway so therefore she had nothing to lose? What have been the consequences to her horrible betrayal of you? You must expose to the OM's wife. If you do not then you are sending a message to the OM that apparently it was acceptable to bang your wife in hotel rooms and there will no consequences for his actions. Is this the message you want to send? Good luck. 2
yessy21 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 You need to tell her. Who does he think he is? You should defenitley tell her. FOrget his feelings... i bet he wasnt thinking about none of you when he took his viagra bent YOUR wife over and was ramming it. 1
jwi71 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Tell her. It will prove beneficial to have the OM under scrutiny from his W and family as well. Essentially another pair of eyes to look for continued contact. Additionally, telling his W will get him focused on the hurricane in his own life and less focused on your W and the A.
Author Tim_Jones Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 i bet he wasnt thinking about none of you when he took his viagra bent YOUR wife over and was ramming it. Thanks for visuals but trust me I don't need help with that. Trying to get those out of my head!
Madman81 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I'd tell her if I were in your shoes. Firstly, disabuse yourself of any guilt you may feel about "messing up their marriage". He's messed up his own marriage; his wife just doesn't know yet. You'll only be the bearer of the news. Secondly, you mentioned that your wife only admitted to the stuff you'd already found out on your own, and only after denying it for several months until there was too much evidence for her to deny. Sorry to say, but that STRONGLY suggests that more went on than you know. And that, for all you know, it's still going on. Cheaters NEVER give you all the information. Especially when they've been found out (rather than confessing freely) -- they go into damage control mode. I'll bet they're still in contact, at the very least. Thus you should make it your mission to tell the OM's wife. Affairs thrive in secrecy -- when the light of day is shone on them, it's much harder for them to continue. And thirdly... there's the revenge motive. Some will counsel you against that, and that's their view. Me, I'm somewhat the spiteful type. Good luck man... 1
Decimated Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Absolutely, unequivocally, without a doubt...YES! She has the right to know what a POS she is married too. Also keep in mind, he did this to himself...him and your WW. I would feel no guilt. His wife will also keep an eye on him from her end...If she doesn't divorce him. 1
96nole Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 RAT THE BASTARD OUT!!!!!!!! (no, I don't have anything against cheaters):mad::mad:
Decimated Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Also, There is the possibility that she may already know about the affair. This is what happened to me. The OM's wife knew more then I did. She filled in a lot of the missing pieces for me...complete with thousands of messages between her Husband and my wife...disgusting stuff to read but I needed to know the extent of what was really going on since my WW was not being open and honest with me with the whole truth. You have nothing to lose! 1
drifter777 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Thanks for visuals but trust me I don't need help with that. Trying to get those out of my head! You haven't really talked about how you are doing with all of this so I'll assume you will post about that here if you want to. One thing that might be important is how your wife feels about you telling OMW. Is she indifferent, ok with it or freaked out by the thought of it? Her attitude could be very revealing regarding the current state of her contact with him. If/when you tell OMW, be ready to reveal all of the evidence that you have because she won't want to believe it and OM will continue to deny it until he's totally busted. 2
96nole Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Also, There is the possibility that she may already know about the affair. This is what happened to me. The OM's wife knew more then I did. She filled in a lot of the missing pieces for me...complete with thousands of messages between her Husband and my wife...disgusting stuff to read but I needed to know the extent of what was really going on since my WW was not being open and honest with me with the whole truth. You have nothing to lose! Holy crap! Thousands of messages? TIM: RAT THE BASTARD OUT!!!!!
Author Tim_Jones Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) You have nothing to lose! The only problem is.... which I didn't mention.... is that my wife could get fired from her job if they find out... and I don't know how the woman would react and if she would go that far or not. Although I could get him fired also. He has more to lose that way than my wife. That is the main reason I haven't done anything. I have kids to think about. Also we are trying to work through this... she is remorseful and is obviously trying to do whatever she can to make up for this. Edited April 20, 2012 by Tim_Jones
96nole Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 The only problem is.... which I didn't mention.... is that my wife could get fired from her job if they find out... and I don't know how the woman would react and if she would go that far or not. Although I could get him fired also. He has more to lose that way than my wife. That is the main reason I haven't done anything. I have kids to think about. Also we are trying to work through this... she is remorseful and is obviously trying to do whatever she can to make up for this. Damn. What does she do? Can she find another job? If they are working together, you may want her to find another job. It's the only way you know she can go NC. There is no way they can be NC if they work together. And even if the affair is "over", if they are working together you never know when the spark might reignite Do you want the marriage to work out? Or are you leaning towards a divorce? If you are, then you don't want her to lose her job. Otherwise you'll be stuck with alimony. How long could you survive on one salary? Questions that need to be considered.
Decimated Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I agree 100% If she could get fired from her job then you need to decide what you want...Reconciliation of Divorce. If you are leaning towards divorce and she gets fired, you will be paying her Spousal support. Something to think about.
Decimated Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Holy crap! Thousands of messages? TIM: RAT THE BASTARD OUT!!!!! At least. She was very meticulous. She save them in PDF files...all in chronological order.
2sunny Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 The only problem is.... which I didn't mention.... is that my wife could get fired from her job if they find out... and I don't know how the woman would react and if she would go that far or not. Although I could get him fired also. He has more to lose that way than my wife. That is the main reason I haven't done anything. I have kids to think about. Also we are trying to work through this... she is remorseful and is obviously trying to do whatever she can to make up for this. She should be willing to QUIT THAT JOB! And yes, tell the wife - tell her today! Your wife will have consequences - but that's part of being involved in bad behavior. It should have been her top priority to never communicate or see her OM ever again! She needs to quit! That's a deal breaker from my perspective.
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