conehead Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I just want to know if this is normal. I see my bf 5 days out of one week. We live about 45 mins (traffic) apart, which is 1.5 hours two-way...he drives to see me once a week while I drive to see him 3 times a week because in the beginning he complained about how much he hates traffic and it makes him sleepy. I hate traffic too but it doesn't make me sleepy hence I offered to drive more and I gave him the day when traffic is lightest. However, once a week or so on the days we don't see each other he'd hang out with his best friend or brother and he'd come home as late as 1am after I'm asleep. He knows I enjoy at least hearing his voice on days I don't see him. But he'd just text me that he'd be out late and we won't talk on the phone that night. I wish he'd call me just to chat for a few minutes and say goodnight, but I can't exactly tell him to do that as it'd be extremely demanding/controlling. But when he texts me telling me he'd be home too late to talk, I can't help feeling pissed that I take all this time and effort to drive to see him yet he can't even take time out to call me to tell me good night when he's out. I know it sounds ridiculous. But the resentment has been building. I feel like my bf is so lazy. I told him we should go to this city (2 hour drive) and he told me 'I guess we can go, if you don't mind driving'. I told him I don't mind driving as I just want to go, but reality is that I think I do mind. My bf doesn't like going places or doing things, he just likes to cuddle to a movie at home. I'm starting to resent my bf. I just want him to call me even for a few minutes even when he goes out late. But if I tell him how I feel, I will just come off needy/demanding. Not sure what to do.
Author conehead Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Another thing I just remember is that when we watch TV or a movie he will always comment on the girls on tv 'she has nice boobs; she's pretty; she's HOT!'...etc...I always found this disrespectful and offensive to me but never really said too much on it. I'm starting to resent my bf.
dasein Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 It's not abnormal for younger folks to stay out that late, but would be kind of abnormal if he refused to call you once he gets home. If he is ready for exclusivity, he should be ready to call when he gets in to let you know he's in if that's important to you. I'm not a fan of regimented contact, but this is one exception, if dating exclusively, it's my responsibility to call my SO when I get home after a late night if she wants me to, regardless if it will wake her up or not. People who think that's controlling or selfish probably aren't ready for exclusivity IMO.
kiss_andmakeup Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I think the real problem here is that you appear to be putting forth all of the effort, while he puts forth minimal effort. It's not really fair for you to be doing 75% of the commuting, especially when that commute is 90 minutes! I don't think it's abnormal that he goes out late once or so a week, especially if he's young. I think your resentment stems more from the fact that he doesn't seem to be putting forth much effort in seeing you, and frankly I'd have a problem with that too. 2
Emilia Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Yes I think OP you have started feeling taken for granted. Your boyfriend does come across rather lazy too as you said. Could be a personality incompatibility.
Author conehead Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Well the first month we dated i loved literally 2 minutes away from him but I commuted every day for work (traffic sometimes got so bad it was 2.5 hours roundtrip) so I moved to cut down my commute. He didn't like the idea of me moving but agreed it was best for me. I think because of that, I feel bad having him drive. It wasn't what he signed up for. I do get tired of being the one to drive most of the time but I feel I have no choice because he's not used to driving in traffic EVER before he met me (his schools, jobs, past gf's were all local) so he gets sleepy and I fear for his safety. I texted him last nite but he did not reply until 2am. But in the morning he called me saying sorry that he left his phone on silent while watching movie with his guy friend. He got home by midnight and started playing video game and didn't notice until 2am. This is the second time this has happened except the first time he didn't realize his phone was on silent until the next morning. When he does this, it hurts me that he doesn't even check his phone. Makes me wonder how much he cares. Or maybe I'm just being needy. I've been with my bf 5 months...past few weeks I've been feeling restless/burnt out with him.
veggirl Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Well the first problem in your relationship is that you don't feel comfortable expressing yourself to your BF because he will think you are needy or controlling if you do. That's not cool. What's wrong with saying "I'd really like it if you stepped out for a second to call me when you are out." Would that make him angry? Would you think he was needy/controlling if he asked that of you? Do you call him when you go out without him? I wouldn't expect my BF to necessarily call me if he is going out, but I'd text him when I was going to bed and yeah I would want one back. Beyond that, the comments about women on TV is immature and disrespectful. I don't understand why guys do that around their girl unless they know they can get away with it or don't care if their girl is upset about it. I don't buy into the boys will be boys BS. My BF has never made a comment like that about another girl, in real life or on TV, in front of me. If he did, I'd tell him to quit it. Sounds like you are way more invested in your BF than he is in you. You care much more about his feelings and his comfort than he does about yours. I couldn't be happy in a relationship like that. It's really concerning that you don't feel comfortable expressing your feelings about things to him.
Author conehead Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Well the reason I'm afraid to express my distress over this is because like they say you got to pick your battles. I've already got really upset with him the first time he left his phone on silent and didn't reply to me until the next morning -- even then he did not apologize and did not seem to realize it was a bit unacceptable. I also got very pissed at him for flirting with his friend's gf twice. I was indeed upset last night when he did not reply to my text until 2am because he left his phone on silent again and did not check it...but its somehwat of an improvement he called me in the morning to apologize (whereas the last time it happened I had to call him and he did not even apologize -- as if he was oblivious) Perhaps like you say if he goes out I should not expect a call, but I will text him good night and at least expect him to reply back or let me know when he's home safe.
Bridgey Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I don't feel like there is a problem with a young guy going out with his guy friends until late every once and a while. I also don't feel like he should be obligated to call you every night you guys don't see each other. You also shouldn't expect him to do anything. If you specifically ask him to text you when he gets home and he doesn't then you have the right to be upset, but otherwise it shouldn't be that big of a deal. As far as you putting in more effort to see him than he does for you, that is an issue. You need to let him know that you would like there to be an equal amount of commuting between the two of you from now on. You can't be upset with him until you specifically ask him to fix the issue, so bring it up calmly and don't accuse him of being lazy just yet. Then see if he changes his ways. The next time he comments on an attractive woman on TV calmly let him know you don't appreciate it. Just tell him he can keep his comments to himself
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