sghffdmc Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) Alright, So my girlfriend and I have been officially in our relationship for a little over 2 months now, and I guess you can say we've been "dating" for 3. Everything is great, we've recently said our first I love you's, and things are heading in the right direction. However, there is just one thing. There is this guy in her major who really had a thing for her before we started dating. In fact, she claims that he was "in love with her" and that it creeped her out because they were just friends and she didn't think he knew enough about her to really be in love with her. Anyways, I think it was kind of a friend-zone debacle for him. He had strong feelings for her and they are together a lot as their major is rather small and everyone in the program is close, but she didn't see him as any more than a friend. There was even a point a week or two before we became "official" when his friends texted her asking if she liked him and if she didn't to stop leading her on. She swears to me that she has absolutely 0 feelings towards him and never will. Well, needless to say he was upset when we started dating and had some choice words for her in the first week that upset her. It's gotten better since, but my girlfriend still will not let me meet him. There have been nights where I've brought her over to his house so she could pick up his book to study, but she told me to stay in the car. There has also been parties that people in her major have thrown, but she didn't want me to come because he was there. Her reasoning for not bringing me around him is because "she doesn't want anything stupid to happen" (I guess he has a past of being aggressive) and she doesn't want to "rub salt in his wounds" (which I can understand to a certain extent because I have fallen into the friend zone trap several times in the past and it does really suck). However, I feel like it's getting to the point where it shouldn't be an issue and he needs to move on, get over it, or something. There's another party on Saturday night, but again my girlfriend doesn't want me to come because he will be there. Don't get me wrong, I completely trust my girlfriend and know she would never cheat on me, but it still does bother me. I mean, we've been dating around 3 months now. Isn't it time to get over it? Yea, it sucks for him, but that's life. Am I being too harsh? Am I wrong in any way? More than anything I just feel like I'm missing out on a part of her life since I never get to hang around/meet her friends in her major because she won't bring me around because of this kid. I don't know if that's stupid of me to feel that way or what, but I do. Edited April 20, 2012 by sghffdmc
dasein Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 It's not stupid of you at all. Screw that guy, if she has respect for you and the relationship she will want you to meet her real friends. The point where this lovelorn dude starts interfering with your and your GF's social life is the point you need to explain that that guy's feelings and his problems aren't yours so why are you having to pay for them? OTOH, ask yourself do you really want to go to these parties? Are you missing out in some way? If so, then make a deal of it. In your shoes, I'd probably just let it drop, but would have your GF under scrutiny as to other ways where she tosses you and your feelings under the bus to avoid any discomfort for her. Could be a bad sign for the future. And OTOH OTOH, how do you know for 100% certain that something more didn't go on with this guy? You are only hearing one side of it, are there third parties to verify her story? I'd want to at least see the dynamic at play. If it turns out the guy is just a normal, non aggressive guy, then something smells rotten here, and it could be in your GF's panties.
veggirl Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 You can't be around this guy cause it'll hurt his feelings. Okay. So, his feelings are more important to your GF than yours are. Or, they have something shady going on (most likely). 2 months in...this is stupid drama, just end it. What a terrible way to start a relationship. 5
Oxy Moronovich Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Don't date chicks with guy friends. Problem solved.
Author sghffdmc Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 It's not stupid of you at all. Screw that guy, if she has respect for you and the relationship she will want you to meet her real friends. The point where this lovelorn dude starts interfering with your and your GF's social life is the point you need to explain that that guy's feelings and his problems aren't yours so why are you having to pay for them? OTOH, ask yourself do you really want to go to these parties? Are you missing out in some way? If so, then make a deal of it. In your shoes, I'd probably just let it drop, but would have your GF under scrutiny as to other ways where she tosses you and your feelings under the bus to avoid any discomfort for her. Could be a bad sign for the future. And OTOH OTOH, how do you know for 100% certain that something more didn't go on with this guy? You are only hearing one side of it, are there third parties to verify her story? I'd want to at least see the dynamic at play. If it turns out the guy is just a normal, non aggressive guy, then something smells rotten here, and it could be in your GF's panties. Thank you for the advice. As for your first question regarding missing out on the parties, no, I don't think I'm missing out on anything. When she goes to them I usually just hit the bars with my boys and have a good guys night. But, her friend in the major who I've known for over a year now has said the same things about this guy and I've heard the two of them talk about him. I really don't think there is anything going on between my girlfriend and this dude. I could be very naive and blinded by my feelings for her, but I honestly don't think she is like that. We've established from the get-go that we both share the same opinion of cheating and I believe we have a mutually strong sense of trust. Plus, I kind of took her virginity, so I really find it hard to believe that anything was going on between them. She was never really the type to get around with random guys before we started dating. Also, it might help to add that she kind of has a bad combination - she is a real guy's guy and has a very flirtatious personality. I've seen it first hand and she has apologized to me for appearing to be too flirty with guys right in front of me. And she's a guy's guy in that she's very athletic, knows what she's talking about when it comes to sports, and prefers to hang out with guys over girls because of less drama. Don't get me wrong, the sense of trust I have no was not easy to build, but I feel good about it now.
dasein Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Well in light of your next post, maybe the best thing is just to pick your battles on this one and let it slide, continue using the time she is with the major people as guy's night and go from there.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 If she is still leading him on, its for a reason. And shes not telling you. BTW how are you so sure you too her virginity, besides her saying so? If she doesnt want him to even see you, then he is an ex boyfriend, or someone that she is hanging onto in case you dont work out. But know this, she is hanging onto his attention for a reason, and it aint school. If you want her to cut the shyt, then start distancing yourself now that the I love yous have come. Once she asks you why the distance, you tell her its going to be that way until she stops leading him on and gets him out of her life, in respect for you. Dont count on her doing it though. If she isnt telling you the real reason, shes hiding something. 1
Professor X Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 She swears to me that she has absolutely 0 feelings towards him and never will. Ah, if I had a penny for each time I heard a girl say that and end up dating the same guy... I'd be rich I knew a girl who bad mouthed a guy so bad, saying stuff like he's a creepy, weirdo, loser, how she will never ever, ever, ever date him. They are dating to this day. No-one can know the future, neither can she.
Emilia Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I knew a girl who bad mouthed a guy so bad, saying stuff like he's a creepy, weirdo, loser, how she will never ever, ever, ever date him. They are dating to this day. No-one can know the future, neither can she. I find when people badmouth others it's usually for a reason. The only men I know who badmouthed me were either pissed off with me at work (office politics, power play) or wanted to get into my pants. People don't get mad for no reason, they stay neutral.
Thieves Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I, too, sense something slightly weird about this situation -- and I'm not sure why, but let's just say I get the feeling that if things were reversed, and you were the one who was basically a hiding a significant part of your life because of one girl that may have had feelings for you in the past... there would likely be many people on this thread saying that you, the guy, are being suspicious. In my opinion, the fact that you two have already had a discussion about about cheating and the importance of trust tells me that your new relationship will make it through this "obstacle" whether you end up meeting this guy or not -- that is, if the trust is genuine. With that trust in mind, I think you should try your best to articulate to your girlfriend that if she truly trusts you, and you her, then it's not so much of a stretch to allow you to go to these parties where her 'friend' may be. Tell her that you'd just like to be given a single chance to be a part of this aspect of her life, even if it's not much to miss out on and you don't mind hanging out with your friends. All she has to do is allow you to come, at least once. You can show up, and from there feel things out. If the guy is there, you don't even have to introduce yourself at first. If things end up getting extremely awkward or uncomfortable, or things start going wrong, then you can choose to leave. Simple. But at least you've had the chance to see the dynamic between your girlfriend, this guy, and her other friends/peers. If she still refuses to let you come or bring you around this guy, period, then that's a sign to me that something may be up, or that this guy friend is just having too much of a pull over a certain part of your relationship... While I feel for the other guy at the other end of this situation, he's also a big boy and should be mature enough to know that not every woman who he likes is going to like him back, and is eventually going to move on.
phineas Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) Ah, if I had a penny for each time I heard a girl say that and end up dating the same guy... I'd be rich I knew a girl who bad mouthed a guy so bad, saying stuff like he's a creepy, weirdo, loser, how she will never ever, ever, ever date him. They are dating to this day. No-one can know the future, neither can she. LOL! Woman I was dating talked like that about an ex she was still "friends" with. Except she called him a loser who lived with his parents, was bad in bed & how he only txt'd her for booty calls & how she can't believe a woman would disrespect herself that way. and claimed she was too nice to tell him to F-off & was just ignoring him & not responding. Found out she was calling HIM. And she was the one harping on trust & cheating ect. blah,blah,blah. all misdirection on her part. I insta-dumped her. when she asked why I simply told her "you know why". Normally I would of downgraded her to F-buddy & looked for a new girl but she wasn't even putting out because she needed to "take it slow" As of now I find it very hard to get attached to women who have a lot of guy friends or friends with ex's because i've yet to date one who didn't wind up sleeping with one of them or was sleeping with one of them when I met her. Edited April 20, 2012 by phineas 2
g450 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 I agree with everything said basically. OP why are you putting up with that BS? Guy friend she had a relationship with? Seriously? And you know damn well why she doesnt want you to meet him. Cmon man! Be honest with yourself! My GF tried to pull that crap with me about two years ago. Told her guy friend to come over to help her pack. Never heard from him again. Time for you to grow a pair and put up some boundries. Then stick to them.
lino Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 This doesn't sound good at all. There's probably a pretty shady reason as to why she doesn't want you to meet him.
Recommended Posts