coloradobrian Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I would like female and guy replies from experience. Does an ex gf ever actually need space? or am I allowing myself to be led on? Id like to say I'm not so naive, but, my ex gf is a matter that I can not approach logically. We were together for a year, now after trying to get back with her for 4 months. Sometimes my gut instinct says she needs time, and sometimes it says that you are a fool. I feel like the stronger I am the ****tier she feels for leaving me, but lately I have been trying to build a friendship foundation for our relationship, and my self worth has taken a huge hit, while she appears to be on cloud 9... very confused, thanks 1
january2011 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 now after trying to get back with her for 4 months. That's way too long. If she does need space, you've probably ruined any chances of her feeling like she's got it and the possibility of getting back together has become even more remote. She seems happy where she is, so leave her be. Respect whatever her wishes were and leave her alone. Focus on yourself. Forget about a friendship until you can think about her without wanting to impose a romantic relationship on her.
Author coloradobrian Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 forgot to mention, when i brought up our breakup and said i have learned from it, she cried incessantly in my arms, and when i get her laughing i see that sparkle in her eye. she usually looks away or tries to hide it. she states how she really misses me but has alot going on right now. I probably should have mentioned this earlier.
january2011 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 she states how she really misses me but has alot going on right now. That sounds like cake-eating and you are allowing her do this to you. In the meantime, she's happy and you're not. That's not a friendship. That's masochism. You're confused and unhappy. Go NC. You need the space and time to heal. 2
Author coloradobrian Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Well I want her to know I love her and don't want to quit. But I don't want to just feed her ego keeping her nice and attractive until someone else scoops her up.
january2011 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) You've been doing this for four months. I think you've got your answer. I'm just not sure you want to hear it or acknowledge it. You already know that you are feeding her ego. What do you get in return? Confusion and pain. I'm sorry, but I think the writing really is on the wall. Take a deep breath and really look at the situation you're in. If it were your best friend or sibling, what would you advise them? Edited April 20, 2012 by january2011
Author coloradobrian Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Probably leave her alone and drop your expectations??
Author coloradobrian Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 What bugs me is I am a very good catch. Young attractive successful fun.... I feel like that's why she won't throw closure my way.
january2011 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 No, if that were the case, she would have stayed with you. She won't give you closure because she doesn't need to. She's got you exactly where she wants you. You need to achieve closure yourself. NC is a path to this. 1
wilsonx Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 What he's doing is fine, they are both eating the same cake, he's knows whats going on. He's self talking his way through it The outcome in this situation ends the same way, with NC or without 1
Pens55 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Wilson - He thinks he's eating cake. I went through the same thing and at the time, my mindset was "it'll get better" and I ignored how unfair the situation was and how horrible it really made me feel. I thought I was getting something out of it, but in reality the drawbacks outweighed the benefits tenfold. OP, you cant put yourself through this. If she wants space, give it to her and worry about yourself. Maybe that will force her to make a decision. But getting away from this will give you a new perspective and realize there are much better ways to spend your life.
Author coloradobrian Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 When I talk and see her I sense real sincerity. Then I get flaked on. So part of me honestly thinks she is scared. And part of me feels used. It's being torn between the two parts that is rough. She is a good girl under the walls. The last thing I want to do is give an ultimatum. But it may come down to an all on the table talk. ???
Pens55 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 When I talk and see her I sense real sincerity. Then I get flaked on. So part of me honestly thinks she is scared. And part of me feels used. It's being torn between the two parts that is rough. She is a good girl under the walls. The last thing I want to do is give an ultimatum. But it may come down to an all on the table talk. ??? Key point bolded above. What makes you think those walls will come down? One thing I learned from my breakup is that you cant wait or expect for someone to change, unless they are showing the will to do so and making progress. Otherwise you'll be waiting for a long time. Ask yourself, if I met this person today, and they were acting the way they are at the current moment - would you really want to be with them? Your past experience is blinding you, maybe you love old her, not new her.
Author coloradobrian Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 I think they can come down because I am a good dude. It was my first serious relationship and there were lessons I had to learn on immaturity and pride. I have a much different mindset now. And I know it won't be the same thing again.
Pens55 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Unfortunately, being a good dude doesnt address the issues she has. This is about her, and there's not really much you can do to change it. I've been there man. Was a great bf, got dumped, then strung along like a puppy for a longggg time. She'll tell you that you were great and "anything can happen" and all that garbage. Truth is, until she (wo)mans up, and says "wtf was I thinking, I want you back", she does not deserve your attention. Besides, if it happens once, it often happens again (...personal experience...), you dont want to always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Author coloradobrian Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 why would she converse 100% normally and then just stop. act like everything is good and she wants to spend more time together, and then she wont answer my calls. im going nuts it sucks. I just want to talk to her in person one last time, so she can stop hiding behind her cell phone shield, and just tell her how i feel. its easy to just ignore a text but in person... is this why she is so reluctant to meet with me? because she is emotionally vulnerable??
Pens55 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Yep, she is waffling for whatever reason. Someone else can correct me if Im wrong, but this isnt a short term thing. Some people just act this way due to their own issues - its not your fault, but the more you push, the more she is going to pull away.
Author coloradobrian Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 I know this girl very well. She does have some baggage but is a very sweet girl. She is stubborn too, so if I pull away she will just tell herself I must not have cared anyway...... Just like she is afraid to commit to me, she doesn't want to commit to saying bye to me. I'm sure she would be very willing if she had a new guy to go to. Idk
Pens55 Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 You are trying to understand something you cannot comprehend. Believe me on this. You think in one way...lets call it logical. She thinks in another way, which can often be seen as illogical. But in her mind, she is doing exactly what she needs to survive - its a fear response, which unfortunately, cannot change until she works through the issues that have caused her to learn these responses. Let me give you this example...I hate to fly, like deathly afraid of it. Now if you ask me why, I cant explain it to you, but I know I consider it to be something that threatens my entire existence (a little bit of an exaggeration here, but ya know). Yes, I know its totally irrational, but just try to get me on a plane and see what happens. I can talk about flying and pretend I would actually go through with it, but I would flake out/run as the time nears and the situation becomes more threatening to me. Now, substitute "love" with "fly" in my 2 paragraphs above...thats how your ex thinks. I know there is no one that can make me overcome the fear but myself, I havent been strong enough to do it yet. This also applies to your ex...until she has the strength to change her thoughts, there is nothing you can do.
Limbo21 Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 I don't mean to sound heartless but dude you need to man up. You sound needy, desperate and available. These aren't attractive qualities. I was like you, all the advice given falls on deaf ears. Desperate for a post that you want to read, but instead it's the opposite. She has dumped you, made her choice. It's as simple as that. By your own admission your a decent catch. Grieve, nc and find someone that will love you for you 1
dandan89 Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Limbo21 you are right! I'm kinda in this sort of position and you're right! Painfully right:lmao:
BDranger Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Pull the needle out. Why are you wasting time on someone who just wants to play games with you? Im deployed right now, this new girl I got said flat out she wants to wait for ME! I have 7 months to go and she knows it, and she's still there. The old girl who dropped me, **** her. She acted the exact same way - just got flaky and left and found a new guy and now shes blocked. She will find no one who can do the things I did for her, and to her 1
Tiera D Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 BD is right a girl who truely loves u would wait u..there is a big difference of waiting as a bf/gf and waiting as a ex (backburner)..your case is like mine,my ex keep deny that she has a new guy..ur ex isnt sure wat she wants.bro i waited 8 months and get nothing,dont be like me.. In the end,i got a new girl last week and told my ex about it this morning.At 1st she is proud acting cold like she always does,but once i told her the news she gets all emotional and pissed plus starting to curse and swear at me..shes the dumper pls for ur own sake start NC now TD 1
Author coloradobrian Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 It's not it falls on deaf ears. It's that this love **** has me dumbfounded. When i see and talk to her I know she feels the same. And then she runs and hides and avoids me. I wish I woulda just treated her right from the get go, then if I got dumped there would not be any regret. I just called her right now, left a message inviting her to dinner, no call back..... Sob, so much for missing me and wanting to hang out.
Author coloradobrian Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 Found out she has a new boyfriend, I called her 8 times, no answer. I'm out. Thanks for playing.
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