RedRobin Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I've had a couple of guys from OLD do this. It is my biggest reason for hating multi-dating. Not (just) for my sake. For theirs. While they were busy exploring their options, I was slowly but surely walking away. It isn't just my pride that makes me say no. I've developed feelings for men I didn't originally have feelings for. It was their behaviors... a few like the ones you listed.. that showed me they really weren't capable of managing a mature, committed relationship. One called a couple of weeks ago trying to get something back together. Another one called three months after I said adios because of the perpetual flip-flopping. This is the equivalent of the guy's little black book. They don't have a date, things start drying up for them... then they start hitting the digits on the girls they passed up before. Oh, FYI... I wouldn't get all wrapped up in his emotional outpouring. I'm sure this is part of the MO. It's not even about you. It's about him being able to salvage things over and over, never taking responsibility. When people do stupid stuff, they need to hit the pavement a few times before they figure it out. We all do Good for you for sticking to your guns though.
Author daphne Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 Sounds like you have the situation under control, grats on having lots of options, hope you find a good one. Me too. Without drama. The reasons behind his instability are irrelevant. Very true. This is why I'm moving forward. I've agreed to remain friends, but if he pushes for more I'm backing off. He believes that if we're friends first, he can work through this and become ready. I make no promises. I do not know if my pride will allow me to take him back even if he made ammends and became available. Plus, I don't know if he was to some extent already emotionally unavailable in his marriage. I can't rule that out. I've had a couple of guys from OLD do this. It is my biggest reason for hating multi-dating. Not (just) for my sake. For theirs. While they were busy exploring their options, I was slowly but surely walking away. It isn't just my pride that makes me say no. I've developed feelings for men I didn't originally have feelings for. It was their behaviors... a few like the ones you listed.. that showed me they really weren't capable of managing a mature, committed relationship. One called a couple of weeks ago trying to get something back together. Another one called three months after I said adios because of the perpetual flip-flopping. This is the equivalent of the guy's little black book. They don't have a date, things start drying up for them... then they start hitting the digits on the girls they passed up before. Oh, FYI... I wouldn't get all wrapped up in his emotional outpouring. I'm sure this is part of the MO. It's not even about you. It's about him being able to salvage things over and over, never taking responsibility. When people do stupid stuff, they need to hit the pavement a few times before they figure it out. We all do Good for you for sticking to your guns though. Yes, my reason not to trust him is the drying up thing. Although, what seemed to prompt him to contact me was when I reactivated my profile. I think he panicked that he might lose me as opposed to he was sitting around lonely and bored. Who knows. I'm not taking much of what he says to heart. It still sounds very selfish to me. It's not uncommon for an EA guy to freak out and try all over again once they know they can't have you. They're needy at heart, they just want to be the one shoving the other person away. Very unhealthy stuff.
truth_seeker Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I'm not taking much of what he says to heart. It still sounds very selfish to me. It's not uncommon for an EA guy to freak out and try all over again once they know they can't have you. They're needy at heart, they just want to be the one shoving the other person away. Very unhealthy stuff. Women are guilty of this behavior, too?
spiderowl Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 (edited) He lied about being divorced when he was seperated. He pulled a disappearing act after sending a vague text about needing space, at a time where he knew it would hurt the most and then went back online to let me know that he really meant he wanted to see others. He didn't even have the decency to have a conversation about it. He doesn't actually sound a very nice guy. Do you really want a guy like that? Maybe he only wants what he can't have - some people are like that. The minute he thinks he's 'got you' again, he'll probably hurt you again. Or, he's someone who doesn't like to feel trapped but could be with the same woman for ever as long as she doesn't appear to care too much whether he's there or not. There are people like this. The trouble is most people do want some sort of commitment and certainty and who wants to have to pretend they don't care if their partner disappears or not? It's not a comfortable situation. Oh, and look up push/pull psychological tactics online. Very interesting and relevant. I'm not suggesting he's doing anything deliberate but these tactics can wreak havoc and are used to manipulate people. Edited April 27, 2012 by spiderowl
Eddie Edirol Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Very true. This is why I'm moving forward. I've agreed to remain friends, but if he pushes for more I'm backing off. He believes that if we're friends first, he can work through this and become ready. I make no promises. I do not know if my pride will allow me to take him back even if he made ammends and became available. Plus, I don't know if he was to some extent already emotionally unavailable in his marriage. I can't rule that out. Long as you dont let him gradually break you down and sweet talk you after a few get-togethers... charming you in a way to eventually make you forget and say "Hes not such a bad guy".. I have compassion for him, but he is carelessly hurting others by dating again while he goes through his struggles. Much like another guy that posts on here. Too soon!
truth_seeker Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Oh, and look up push/pull psychological tactics online. Very interesting and relevant. I'm not suggesting he's doing anything deliberate but these tactics can wreak havoc and are used to manipulate people. I think this woman is using push/pull on me.
Author daphne Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 He doesn't actually sound a very nice guy. Do you really want a guy like that? Maybe he only wants what he can't have - some people are like that. The minute he thinks he's 'got you' again, he'll probably hurt you again. Or, he's someone who doesn't like to feel trapped but could be with the same woman for ever as long as she doesn't appear to care too much whether he's there or not. There are people like this. The trouble is most people do want some sort of commitment and certainty and who wants to have to pretend they don't care if their partner disappears or not? It's not a comfortable situation. Oh, and look up push/pull psychological tactics online. Very interesting and relevant. I'm not suggesting he's doing anything deliberate but these tactics can wreak havoc and are used to manipulate people. Actually, the update is that I may have been wrong about the divorce thing. I'll know if he can produce a paper. If so, I feel kinda bad about assuming. I think he wants what he can't have. At least I'm operating on this assumption. Which is why I told him several times that I'm not interested in getting romantic with him again. My gut didn't have to tell me he's not ready to fully commit. He told me. Gotta give him some credit. There are others who do want a serious relationship though. I'll be checking those guys out. Long as you dont let him gradually break you down and sweet talk you after a few get-togethers... charming you in a way to eventually make you forget and say "Hes not such a bad guy".. Too soon! I hear you. I know you know what's really going on. Considering how full on he's become, I'm expecting him to try to sweet talk me. But I'm not stepping back into something that's not healthy for me. He's putting on some pressure, so I may actually reconsider the friendship thing for now. We'll see.
Recommended Posts